INT. DENTIST'S OFFICE- DAY
BOB IS IN THE DENTIST CHAIR. THE DENTIST IS CHECKING BOB'S
TEETH WHILE THE HYGIENIST LOOKS ON.
DENTIST
Okay, yeah, you're right, Beverly.
I'm seeing a lot of irritation in
the gums. And... 4 cavities.
HYGIENIST WRITES "4" DOWN.
DENTIST
Mr. Stewart, I know I've said this
before, but it's time to start
taking better care of your teeth.
BOB
I know, I keep meaning to. I guess
I really let you guys down, huh?
DENTIST
Well, sort of. I mean, they're your
teeth.
BOB
Yeah but you guys were really
counting on me to change my ways
since the last appointment and I
didn't. Oh I feel like the biggest
jerk in the world!
DENTIST
Well, I don't think there's any use
in feeling like a jerk...
BOB
Oh but you guys are always so nice
to me. Every time I come in here
you clean my teeth and check to
make sure everything's okay.
HYGIENIST
Well, yes, but that's our job...
BOB
And if that weren't enough, you
don't even ask for anything in
return!
DENTIST
That's because your dental plan
covers the entire premium. We--
BOB
You guys are like modern day
saints, and how do I repay your
kindness? By eating 6 spoonfuls of
candy corn every night before I go
to sleep, when I should be
remembering to brush and floss!
HYGIENIST
Candy corn. I thought they only
made that stuff around Halloween.
DENTIST
And why do you eat it with a spoon?
BOB
Oh I'm a moron, a dope, a first
class, top o' the line stooge! I
don't deserve friends like you!
HYGIENIST
Uh, we're not your friends...
BOB
Sure, you guys are. You guys are
the best friends I have. You guys
are my best friends in the whole
wide world! Aren't you?
DENTIST
Um, of course we are. What, er,
Beverly means to say is, we can
continue to be friends with someone
who takes so little care of their
teeth. Right, Beverly?
HYGIENIST
Uh, right...
BOB
Okay. I can see that. Hey, I'll
tell you what, from this day forth,
I'm going to brush AND floss
between my teeth three times a day.
DENTIST
Attaboy! Now there's a fella I
want to be friends with!
BOB
Hey, that reminds me. I'm having a
dinner party this Thursday. Would
you two like to come?
HYGIENIST looks at DENTIST.
DENTIST
Of course! We'll be there. What do
we bring?
HYGIENIST grabs DENTIST'S arm.
HYGIENIST
(to BOB)
Excuse us a second.
HYGIENIST pulls DENTIST out into the HALLWAY.
HYGIENIST
What the hell are you doing?
DENTIST
That man's dental health is at
stake! If he needs to believe we're
his BFF to steer himself off the
course of mouth-related disease and
catastrophe, then it's OUR JOB TO
BE HIS BFF.
HYGIENIST
This is ridiculous. I'm not doing
this.
DENTIST
Fine, do as you wish. BUT I TOOK AN
OATH, GODDAMN IT!
DENTIST walks back into room.
CUE MONTAGE TO YOUNG RASCALS' "GOOD LOVIN'"
CUT TO:
-BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST PLAYING VOLLEYBALL
-BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST EATING ICE CREAM CONES IN THE
PARK
-BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST PLAYING TWISTER IN A BASEMENT
-BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST FLYING A KITE IN THE PARK
-BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST PLAYING FOOTBALL. DENTIST TELLS
BOB TO GO LONG. BOB RUNS OUT INTO THE STREET. HE GETS HIT BY
TRUCK. MUSIC STOPS DENTIST AND HYGIENIST'S MOUTHS ARE
AGAPE.
HYGIENIST
Holy crap.
DENTIST
Wow...I was actually starting to
like the guy.
HYGIENIST
Me too.
TRUCKDRIVER
Guys, I am so sorry. I think I may
have killed your friend.
DENTIST
Oh, it's okay.
HYGIENIST
Yeah, he wasn't even really our
friend.
TRUCKDRIVER
Guys, I appreciate you trying to
make me feel better, but I feel
terrible. Hey, I have an idea.
I'm having a dinner party on
Thursday, maybe you guys would like
to come.
DENTIST AND HYGIENIST look at the camera.
HYGIENIST AND DENTIST
NOOOOOO!!!!
TRUCKDRIVER looks in the direction their looking.
TRUCKDRIVER
Who are you guys talking to?
END.
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