HITLER'S NUTSACK
Ahhh, life.
A man of diminutive stature rises from the table adjacent to HITLER'S NUTSACK and cautiously walks over.
MAN
Excuse me, are you--
HITLER'S NUTSACK
Yes, it is I.
MAN
But you didn't let me finish.
HITLER'S NUTSACK takes a drag from his cigarette and sighs.
HITLER'S NUTSACK
Fine, go ahead.
MAN
You're Hitler's Nutsack.
HITLER'S NUTSACK
Yes, congratulations, you have the gift of eyesight. Now can I help you? Would you like an autograph?
HITLER'S NUTSACK takes out a magic marker from his back pocket.
MAN
No. No I would not. Quite the opposite.
MAN takes his glass of wine and throws it in HITLER'S NUTSACK'S FACE.
MAN
That man, that whose nutsack you served as for so many years—I can barely say his name—he ordered the Gestapo to kill my cousin. You, sir, were attached to an awful, awful man, and I--
HITLER'S NUTSACK
I agree.
MAN
Excuse me.
HITLER'S NUTSACK
I said--
HITLER'S NUTSACK takes another drag of his cigarette.
HITLER'S NUTSACK
I... agree.
MAN
Then why, why didn't you do something to stop him?
HITLER'S NUTSACK stands up and gazes into the horizon.
HITLER'S NUTSACK
I did all I could. I'd seize up uncomfortably whenever he was about to order the execution of innocent Jews and gypsies. Sometimes he needed to take painkillers just to loosen me up. But I ask you, when does a man, be he king or roustabout, ever stop to listen to his nutsack?
MAN
I suppose that's true. I never thought about it like that.
HITLER'S NUTSACK
Of course not. That's the problem; people do not think. Such is why a man like Hitler rose to power in the first place. You came here to kill me, did you not?
MAN
What?
HITLER'S NUTSACK
It's fine, you don't have to play naïve with me. There are plenty of people who'd love to see Hitler's Nutsack dead, and certainly a man with a vendetta like yours is no exception. Plus, there's a pistol sticking halfway out of your pocket. You can at least offer me the courtesy of being upfront.
MAN
Yes, fine, yes, I did come here to kill you.
HITLER'S NUTSACK
Thank you.
HITLER'S NUTSACK sits back down, takes another sip of espresso.
MAN
You're not going to run, or call for the police?
HITLER'S NUTSACK
Why should I? Only men with guilt on their conscious fight for their lives. I am at peace.
MAN
But--
HITLER'S NUTSACK
Friend, listen to me carefully, as I'm only going to say this once. I asked no more times to be Hitler's Nutsack than Stallin's asshole asked to be Stallin's asshole, or Mussolini's taint asked to be Mussolini's taint. If you must shoot me, then please shoot me. Otherwise, let me finish reading this issue of Harper's Weekly in piece.
MAN
I'm not going to shoot you.
MAN walks away. He then turns around walks back to HITLER'S NUTSACK, and strangles HITLER'S NUTSACK with piano wire.
BEAT.
MAN
My God, what have I done?
WAITER enters.
WAITER
(to Man)
It's okay. He wanted to die.
MAN
Are you sure? He sort of resisted... a lot.
WAITER
Oh, did he? Yeah, don't listen to me. It just seemed like the thing to say at the moment.
MAN
Yeah.
WAITER
Well, luckily there's no law in the French constitution about murdering nutsacks.
MAN
ALL RIGHT!
WAITER and MAN high-five each other and do the Charleston
END.
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