MASON AND MASON CATSITTING

This is a cable access-y type commercial. We open on a white-trash couple sitting on a couch in their wood panel basement.

JANET

Hi, I'm Janet Mason.

BILL

And I'm Bill Mason. And together we are...

JANET/BILL IN UNISON

—Mason and Mason Catsitting, LLC.

BILL

A lot of catsitting services claim to be the best.

JANET

But how many of those services want desperately to conceive a child but can't? That's where Mason and Mason comes in.

BILL

Boy do we want our own son--

JANET

--Or daughter--

BILL

--more than anything in the world. But for some reason, after 6 miscarriages, God has decided to completely forsake my dear wife's womb, leaving her as barren as a patch of AstroTurf.

JANET

It doesn't help that my husband wears briefs, either.

BILL

It doesn't help but it doesn't hurt, neither.

JANET

They lower your sperm count. Science has proved it.

BILL

I'll wear what underwear I please. I have so little left in this life that gives me joy. (back to camera) Whether you're out of town on a business trip or a Hawaiian vacation, you can take comfort in knowing that your cat will be loved and doted upon by a couple that desperate wants someone or something to care for.

JANET

Our comprehensive petcare package includes:

BILL

Reading your cat bedtime stories.

JANET

Taking your cat to ballet lessons.

BILL

Teaching your cat the value of a hard-earned dollar.

JANET

Looking at your cat's report card and trying to contain our immense pride and/or disappointment.

BILL

Telling your cat to go to his room when he's disrespectful to his mama.

JANET

Getting your cat fitted for a wedding dress.

BILL

Taking your cat for a drive and tell him all the things that I wish my old man had told me when I was your cat's age.

JANET

And also, cleaning his litter box. With most petcare services, it's hard to know what you're getting.

BILL

But you can believe me when I say that my wife's uterus is as barren as an empty box of Raisin Bran.

JANET

(aside) The briefs don't help neither.

BILL

(aside) Shut up, you relentless harpie, I says shut up! (back to camera) You can count on us to be the best catsitters money can buy, not least of because we're legally prohibited for taking babysitting jobs anywhere in Jefferson County.

JANET

Some people get so sensitive when you cross state lines with their child for a couple of weeks.

BILL

But we digress. Why not visit our website, at plsletusluvurcat.com. Or, for the less technologically inclined, you can also reach us at 1-866-WE-NEED-THIS. We look forward to hearing from you.

JANET

Goodnight!

Couple starts to bicker about briefs as music swells.

END.