VOICEMAIL BREAK-UP

INT- LIVING ROOM

TAD is on his cellphone.

V.O.

You've reached the voicemail of "Kimberly Marcus".  At the tone, please record your message.

BEEP.

TAD

Hey Kim, I'm really sorry to do this over voice mail, but I know you're really busy with the trade fair over the next few days, so here goes.  I don't think we should see each other anymore.  I think you're really great, funny, and beautiful, it's just--how do I say this without coming off bad--it's, I always pictured myself ending up with someone who looks a little bit more like Elisabeth Shue.

Pause.  TAD looks at his phone.  He presses a key.

V.O.

If you are satisfied with your message, press 1.  If you--

TAD presses a key.

V.O.

Please re-record your message after the tone.

BEEP.

TAD

Hey Kim.  I know you're really busy, but... I wanted to tell you a story.  When I was 13, I saw a little film called Back to the Future II, and... not-so-coincidentally, shortly thereafter I learned how to do a little thing called masturbate.  Both these events would put an indelible mark on the way I viewed women and relationships for the rest of time.

Pause.  TAD hits a key.

V.O.

If you are satisfied with your mes--

TAD hits a key.

V.O.

Please re-record your message after the tone.

TAD

Hey Kim, have you ever seen that movie Palmetto?  Because if you had, you'd understand what I'm about to tell you.

TAD sighs.  Hits a key again.

JUMPCUT

TAD

Listen, Kim, you have a lot going for you.  But unfortunately none of those things are Elisabeth Shue's breasts.

JUMPCUT

TAD

I have commitment issues.

JUMPCUT.

TAD

Listen Kim, Cousin Bette is on TNT in 15 minutes I gotta make this quick--

JUMPCUT

TAD

I'm gay. ... for Elisabeth Shue.

JUMPCUT

TAD

You chew too loud, you bitch!

JUMPCUT

TAD

Have you ever seen Leaving Las Vegas?  Well in this scenario, you are Las Vegas, and I'm leaving you.

JUMPCUT.

TAD

You could at least dye your hair blonde.  Actually, no, don't do that.  It's over.

TAD hangs up.

END