Sketchtember

VOICEMAIL BREAK-UP

2010-09-18T10:28:00.000-07:00

INT- LIVING ROOM

TAD is on his cellphone.

V.O.

You've reached the voicemail of "Kimberly Marcus". At the tone, please record your message.

BEEP.

TAD

Hey Kim, I'm really sorry to do this over voice mail, but I know you're really busy with the trade fair over the next few days, so here goes. I don't think we should see each other anymore. I think you're really great, funny, and beautiful, it's just--how do I say this without coming off bad--it's, I always pictured myself ending up with someone who looks a little bit more like Elisabeth Shue.

Pause. TAD looks at his phone. He presses a key.

V.O.

If you are satisfied with your message, press 1. If you--

TAD presses a key.

V.O.

Please re-record your message after the tone.

BEEP.

TAD

Hey Kim. I know you're really busy, but... I wanted to tell you a story. When I was 13, I saw a little film called Back to the Future II, and... not-so-coincidentally, shortly thereafter I learned how to do a little thing called masturbate. Both these events would put an indelible mark on the way I viewed women and relationships for the rest of time.

Pause. TAD hits a key.

V.O.

If you are satisfied with your mes--

TAD hits a key.

V.O.

Please re-record your message after the tone.

TAD

Hey Kim, have you ever seen that movie Palmetto? Because if you had, you'd understand what I'm about to tell you.

TAD sighs. Hits a key again.

JUMPCUT

TAD

Listen, Kim, you have a lot going for you. But unfortunately none of those things are Elisabeth Shue's breasts.

JUMPCUT

TAD

I have commitment issues.

JUMPCUT.

TAD

Listen Kim, Cousin Bette is on TNT in 15 minutes I gotta make this quick--

JUMPCUT

TAD

I'm gay. ... for Elisabeth Shue.

JUMPCUT

TAD

You chew too loud, you bitch!

JUMPCUT

TAD

Have you ever seen Leaving Las Vegas? Well in this scenario, you are Las Vegas, and I'm leaving you.

JUMPCUT.

TAD

You could at least dye your hair blonde. Actually, no, don't do that. It's over.

TAD hangs up.

END

I SHOULD HAVE MOVED TO SAN DIEGO WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE

2010-09-17T17:52:00.000-07:00

INT. SUBWAY CAR--NIGHT

ROGER sits on a nearly empty subway, reading a book. The subway car is less than half full.

A pretty woman enters. She stands in front of Roger.

PREGNANT WOMAN

Ahem?

ROGER

Uh... yes?

PREGNANT WOMAN

Aren't you gonna let me sit down?

ROGER looks around.

ROGER

But... there are seats everywhere.

PREGNANT WOMAN

Yeah, but, I wanna sit (points to Roger's seat) there.

ROGER

Um... sorry. I'm not moving.

MAN

Hey, buddy, let the woman have your seat!

OTHER WOMAN

What'samatter with you? She's pregnant, you fuck!

ROGER sighs, and moves over one seat.

PREGNANT WOMAN sits down. ROGER continues reading.

PREGNANT WOMAN leans over and gets in Roger's face.

PREGNANT WOMAN

(whispering)

Faggot. Faggot. Faaaggot. Faggot.

ROGER squirms in his seat.

PREGNANT WOMAN

Faggot. Faggot. Faaaggot.

ROGER

Um, Could you STOP calling me faggot please?

MAN

Hey, buddy, let the woman call you faggot!

OTHER WOMAN

What'samatter with you? She's pregnant, you fucking faggot!

Beat.

ROGER continues to read.

PREGNANT WOMAN

You know what we do to faggots on the subway?

PREGNANT WOMAN takes out a lighter.

ROGER jumps up and away from the woman.

ROGER

JESUS Christ!

MAN

Hey, buddy, let the woman burn you alive!

OTHER WOMAN

What'samatter with you? She's pregnant, you non-on-fire fucking faggot!

ROGER turns to the camera.

ROGER

I SHOULD HAVE MOVED TO SAN DIEGO WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE.

(?)

END.

MY LAST RELATIONSHIP IN 30 SECONDS

2010-09-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

INT. LIVING ROOM

BETTY sits on a couch. She is wearing pajama pants and watching “The Real Housewives of One-Place-Or-Another”.

NAT enters.

NAT

Come on, we're going to be late for the 4:45 screening of “Fletch Lives” at the Film Forum!

BETTY

How come we're always doing what you wanna do?

NAT

Fine, what do you wanna do?

BETTY

Break up with you.

END.

HITLER'S NUTSACK AT A CAFE IN PARIS, 1954

2010-09-08T20:02:00.000-07:00

HITLER'S NUTSACK sits at a table outside a Parisian cafe smoking a cigarette. It takes a sip of espresso and its gaze wanders off into the distance.

HITLER'S NUTSACK

Ahhh, life.

A man of diminutive stature rises from the table adjacent to HITLER'S NUTSACK and cautiously walks over.

MAN

Excuse me, are you--

HITLER'S NUTSACK

Yes, it is I.

MAN

But you didn't let me finish.

HITLER'S NUTSACK takes a drag from his cigarette and sighs.

HITLER'S NUTSACK

Fine, go ahead.

MAN

You're Hitler's Nutsack.

HITLER'S NUTSACK

Yes, congratulations, you have the gift of eyesight. Now can I help you? Would you like an autograph?

HITLER'S NUTSACK takes out a magic marker from his back pocket.

MAN

No. No I would not. Quite the opposite.

MAN takes his glass of wine and throws it in HITLER'S NUTSACK'S FACE.

MAN

That man, that whose nutsack you served as for so many years—I can barely say his name—he ordered the Gestapo to kill my cousin. You, sir, were attached to an awful, awful man, and I--

HITLER'S NUTSACK

I agree.

MAN

Excuse me.

HITLER'S NUTSACK

I said--

HITLER'S NUTSACK takes another drag of his cigarette.

HITLER'S NUTSACK

I... agree.

MAN

Then why, why didn't you do something to stop him?

HITLER'S NUTSACK stands up and gazes into the horizon.

HITLER'S NUTSACK

I did all I could. I'd seize up uncomfortably whenever he was about to order the execution of innocent Jews and gypsies. Sometimes he needed to take painkillers just to loosen me up. But I ask you, when does a man, be he king or roustabout, ever stop to listen to his nutsack?

MAN

I suppose that's true. I never thought about it like that.

HITLER'S NUTSACK

Of course not. That's the problem; people do not think. Such is why a man like Hitler rose to power in the first place. You came here to kill me, did you not?

MAN

What?

HITLER'S NUTSACK

It's fine, you don't have to play naïve with me. There are plenty of people who'd love to see Hitler's Nutsack dead, and certainly a man with a vendetta like yours is no exception. Plus, there's a pistol sticking halfway out of your pocket. You can at least offer me the courtesy of being upfront.

MAN

Yes, fine, yes, I did come here to kill you.

HITLER'S NUTSACK

Thank you.

HITLER'S NUTSACK sits back down, takes another sip of espresso.

MAN

You're not going to run, or call for the police?

HITLER'S NUTSACK

Why should I? Only men with guilt on their conscious fight for their lives. I am at peace.

MAN

But--

HITLER'S NUTSACK

Friend, listen to me carefully, as I'm only going to say this once. I asked no more times to be Hitler's Nutsack than Stallin's asshole asked to be Stallin's asshole, or Mussolini's taint asked to be Mussolini's taint. If you must shoot me, then please shoot me. Otherwise, let me finish reading this issue of Harper's Weekly in piece.

MAN

I'm not going to shoot you.

MAN walks away. He then turns around walks back to HITLER'S NUTSACK, and strangles HITLER'S NUTSACK with piano wire.

BEAT.

MAN

My God, what have I done?

WAITER enters.

WAITER

(to Man)

It's okay. He wanted to die.

MAN

Are you sure? He sort of resisted... a lot.

WAITER

Oh, did he? Yeah, don't listen to me. It just seemed like the thing to say at the moment.

MAN

Yeah.

WAITER

Well, luckily there's no law in the French constitution about murdering nutsacks.

MAN

ALL RIGHT!

WAITER and MAN high-five each other and do the Charleston

END.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE IN A HOT AIR BALLOON

2010-09-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

EXT. SKY

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE is in a hot air balloon. He is dressed in an white apron and a chef's hat, and has a big black mustache.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Oh-a my goo-ness, Mamma Mia, I can't believe i'm-a realizin' my dream of traveling around-a the world in-a hot air balloon. It's-a so beautiful my heart can-a hardly stand it! Oh, look-a-dis, it's-a the Moroccan desert. Let-a me take out my telescope to get a closer look.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE reaches down, pulls out a handful of uncooked spaghetti strands, and looks through it as if it were a telescope.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Holy box of cannoli's, beauty over here, beauty over there, it's almost a-too much for one Italian stereotype, like-a myself, to handle! This moment couldn't get any better if the ghost of Luciano Pavarotti himself rose from the grave just-a to sing me a rendition of O Solo Mio. Now that-a would be something else!

A CAT pops out of the hot air balloon basket.

CAT
Meow meow.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
What's-a that, a-kitty-cat? All Italians have-a high blood pressure? A scientific study proved it? Guess I better take-a some blood pressure medication.

CAT
MEOW MEOW.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
What's that, Kitty cat?

CAT
MEOW MEOW

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Ohh Kitty-cat, why you gotta bring up-a my dead wife on this spectacular trip-a? Don't you know that nothing makes an Italian Stereotype sadder than a-remembering his-a dead-a wife?

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE takes out photo of his dead wife.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
OH SOFIA I MISS YOU SO MUCH HERE HAVE SOME-A PASTA FASUL.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE takes a handful of pasta fasul and shoves it against his dead wife's a-picture.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
You like-a that dead Sofia? It was always-a you favorite?

CAT
MEOW MEOW.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
What-a you hollerin' about now, Kitty Cat?

CAT
MEOW.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
What? We sinkin'? How can you-- (ITALIAN STEREOTYPE looks over the edge.) Oh-a my Goodness you right! Jesus-a Christ Parmigiana! I knew I never shoulda made this hot air balloon out of Gnocchi! Kitty-Cat, if I don't make it outta this alive you can have-a my Gucci handbags, my Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses, and my promotional cardboard cut out of-a Robert DeNiro from Analyze This!

CAT
MEOW.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
OK fine, you can also have my promotional cardboard cut out of-a Robert DeNiro from Analyze That! Now quit bustin' my balls ova here!

The hot air balloon falls into a large green pipe. ITALIAN STEREOTYPE and CAT come out the other end and land on a lakitu-style cloud (a la Mario Bros).

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Holy Rocky Balboa! See, a-kitty cat? I told you we'd be alright!

CAT
MEOW.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
All right all right, quit Marisa-in' my Tomeis ova here!

A VENUS FLY TRAP emerges from the green pipe and eats ITALIAN STEREOTYPE and CAT.

END.

THAT'S SUSHI

2010-09-03T10:51:00.000-07:00

Open on happy couple sitting at a table at a fancy French restaurant.

ADAM
I am so excited to be ordering dinner at this restaurant!

MILICENT
Me too!

Waiter enters.

WAITER
Gentleman, lady. Welcome to Chez Chantique. Tonight is a very special night, as our head chef is back from 7 years of total seclusion in the Andalusian Mountains, where he has been developing a secret recipe for a revolutionary new dish. And you are in luck, because this dish ... is tonight's special.

MILICENT
Do you hear that, Adam? Revolutionary.

ADAM
Yes, I do, Milicent. (to waiter) What is it?

WAITER
Well, what it is, is... a sliver of RAW fish, which is then surrounded on all sides by white rice, and then delicately wrapped in sea...weed.

ADAM
Oh. So... sushi.

MILICENT
Fantastic. I love sushi!

WAITER
Pardon me?

ADAM
Sushi. Your special is sushi. The Japanese have been making it for centuries.

WAITER
Well, perhaps there are similarities, but I highly doubt it is the same dish.

ADAM
It's raw fish, wrapped in rice, wrapped in seaweed.

WAITER
Well, it's not just fish. Sometimes we replace the fish with cucumber. A cucumber "roll", we are calling it.

ADAM
Yes. They do that too.

WAITER
Well, our chef's dish tends to taste best when dipped in soy sauce.

MILICENT
Just like sushi!

(Pause)

WAITER
Well, do they serve it with Ginger?

ADAM
Yes.

MILICENT
Wasabi?

ADAM
Yes.

WAITER
Do they occasionally put cream cheese on it and call it a Philadelphia roll?

ADAM
Yes.

WAITER
This is very disappointing. Our chef had even had the idea of setting up a bar area where you can order pieces of--

MILICENT
You mean like a SUSHI bar?

WAITER sighs.

WAITER
I see.

WAITER goes to the kitchen door. He calls for the chef. The chef comes out. The waiter talks to the chef, gesturing to the couple. The chef nods solemnly. The chef hangs his head and goes back into the kitchen. After a moment, a single gunshot rings out.

BLACKOUT.

MASON AND MASON CATSITTING

2010-09-02T03:35:00.000-07:00

This is a cable access-y type commercial. We open on a white-trash couple sitting on a couch in their wood panel basement.

JANET

Hi, I'm Janet Mason.

BILL

And I'm Bill Mason. And together we are...

JANET/BILL IN UNISON

—Mason and Mason Catsitting, LLC.

BILL

A lot of catsitting services claim to be the best.

JANET

But how many of those services want desperately to conceive a child but can't? That's where Mason and Mason comes in.

BILL

Boy do we want our own son--

JANET

--Or daughter--

BILL

--more than anything in the world. But for some reason, after 6 miscarriages, God has decided to completely forsake my dear wife's womb, leaving her as barren as a patch of AstroTurf.

JANET

It doesn't help that my husband wears briefs, either.

BILL

It doesn't help but it doesn't hurt, neither.

JANET

They lower your sperm count. Science has proved it.

BILL

I'll wear what underwear I please. I have so little left in this life that gives me joy. (back to camera) Whether you're out of town on a business trip or a Hawaiian vacation, you can take comfort in knowing that your cat will be loved and doted upon by a couple that desperate wants someone or something to care for.

JANET

Our comprehensive petcare package includes:

BILL

Reading your cat bedtime stories.

JANET

Taking your cat to ballet lessons.

BILL

Teaching your cat the value of a hard-earned dollar.

JANET

Looking at your cat's report card and trying to contain our immense pride and/or disappointment.

BILL

Telling your cat to go to his room when he's disrespectful to his mama.

JANET

Getting your cat fitted for a wedding dress.

BILL

Taking your cat for a drive and tell him all the things that I wish my old man had told me when I was your cat's age.

JANET

And also, cleaning his litter box. With most petcare services, it's hard to know what you're getting.

BILL

But you can believe me when I say that my wife's uterus is as barren as an empty box of Raisin Bran.

JANET

(aside) The briefs don't help neither.

BILL

(aside) Shut up, you relentless harpie, I says shut up! (back to camera) You can count on us to be the best catsitters money can buy, not least of because we're legally prohibited for taking babysitting jobs anywhere in Jefferson County.

JANET

Some people get so sensitive when you cross state lines with their child for a couple of weeks.

BILL

But we digress. Why not visit our website, at plsletusluvurcat.com. Or, for the less technologically inclined, you can also reach us at 1-866-WE-NEED-THIS. We look forward to hearing from you.

JANET

Goodnight!

Couple starts to bicker about briefs as music swells.

END.

FRANKIE'S SWEATER

2009-09-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

EXT. PORCH--DAY

Three guys—STEVIE, JACKIE, AND FRANKIE—are drinking beers.

STEVIE
I don’t care how cold it is out, I don’t care what day of September it is. In my book: summer ain’t over.

JACKIE
Oh are you kiddin’? Summer ain’t over by a long shot. No, no, no, you know how we know when summer’s over?

STEVIE
How?

JACKIE
When Frankie puts on that sweater, that’s how.

CUT TO: Huge orange sweater lying on the other end of the porch.

STEVIE
Damn straight.

STEVIE and JACKIE drink their beers.

We hear a gust of wind. FRANKIE folds his arms and begins rocking his seat.

JACKIE
Hey, what are you doin’, Frankie?

STEVIE
Yeah, Frankie, what’s goin’ on?

FRANKIE looks around, and then gets up.

JACKIE
Frankie, you better not be doin’ what I think you’re doin’.

STEVIE
Frankie…stay away from that sweater, Frankie.

STEVIE and JACKIE corner FRANKIE. After a beat, FRANKIE decides to sit back down.

STEVIE and JACKIE return to their seats. Then, FRANKIE dives across the porch to his sweater. STEVIE and JACKIE tackle FRANKIE.

JACKIE
Don’t you dare put that sweater on, you son of a bitch!

STEVIE
We already bought charcoal for tomorrow’s barbecue!

FRANKIE manages to put on the sweater.

JACKIE
Fuck! Fuuuck!

STEVIE
Son of a BITCH, Frankie!

FRANKIE gets up, dusts himself off, walks back to his seat, sits down, and re-folds arms. STEVIE and JACKIE get up.

JACKIE
Well, summer’s over.

STEVIE
Thanks a lot Frankie.

JACKIE
Yeah, thanks a lot, Dipwad.

END.

ALVIN

2009-09-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

INT. TEMP AGENCY OFFICE-DAY

ALVIN, a guy in his mid-twenties, sits waiting for an interview with a recruiter to begin. MONICA, the recruiter, enters. Alvin stands to greet her. She shakes Alvin’s hand.

MONICA
Hi there. Monica Bradley. You must be… Alvin?

ALVIN
Yep, that’s right! Alvin! I’m Alvin.

MONICA sits down.

MONICA
Okay, fantastic, Alvin. Please, have a seat.

ALVIN SITS.

MONICA
All right, now before we get started, I just want you to know that a) we are a temp-only firm, so if you’re looking for something—

ALVIN
My name’s Alvin.

MONICA
Yes, yes it is. (AWKWARD BEAT) So if you’re looking for something permanent we probably won’t be able to assist you in that arena.

ALVIN
That’s fine.

MONICA
Okay, now do you have a copy of your resume I can look at?

ALVIN
Yes, of course!

Alvin hands her his resume.

MONICA
Umm, this is just a piece of paper with the words “I’M ALVIN” printed on it in extremely large letters.

ALVIN
Yep, I’m Alvin all right.

MONICA
Yes, I, er, I know you’re Alvin. You’ve said it at least 5 times since the interview began. Let me put it this way, do you have a piece of paper outlining your work experience?

ALVIN
Yep, you’re looking at it! If you think being Alvin is always easy, it’s not!

MONICA
Of course not.

MONICA picks up the phone.

MONICA
Sheila, after you get back from lunch, we need to have a talk about that screening process of yours. Okay, thanks.

MONICA hangs up.

MONICA
(under breath) Bitch. (to ALVIN) All right, how about the application? Surely you must have filled out the application before you got to me.

ALVIN
Sure did.

MONICA
OK, under skills you list, “Being Alvin, “I’m Alvin,” and then, unless I’m missing something, skill number three just says “Alvin” with three exclamation points.

ALVIN
Nope, you’re not missing anything.

MONICA
(sighs) Do you have any computer skills?

ALVIN
I know Microsoft Word!

MONICA
Oh, well that’s something! Do you know how to do a mail merge?

ALVIN
No.

MONICA
Do you know how to create a macro?

ALVIN
No.

MONICA
Do you know how to copy and paste a spreadsheet within a word document?

ALVIN
No.

MONICA
Do you know how to copy and paste at all?

ALVIN
No.

MONICA
Do you know how to do anything in Microsoft Word except type your name?

ALVIN
…No.

MONICA
Listen, Mr.—um…

ALVIN
Alvin!

MONICA
Mr. Alvin, you have no discernable skills that an employer would want. I don’t know how I, as a staffer, am supposed to market you to, frankly, anyone.

ALVIN
Just tell them I’m Alvin.

MONICA
I’m sorry, Alvin. That’s just not going to work. Come back when you’ve learned how to do something besides be yourself.

Alvin sheds a tear, and then leaves.

Monica’s intercom beeps. She answers it.

MONICA
Hello?

TOM
(intercom)
Hi Monica, we have a big client on the line. Apparently they need someone named Alvin who only knows how to type his name into Microsoft Word.

BEAT.

MONICA
(to no one in particular)
Well now it looks like it is I who am the fool.

END.

GOV'T MULE

2009-09-30T07:57:00.001-07:00

          INT. MATT'S APARTMENT-DAY

          MATT is at his computer writing a crappy, ill-thought-out
          sketch. BECKY is on the couch, reading a book.

                              MATT
                    Holy shit!!!

                              BECKY
                    What? What is it?

                              MATT
                    I just got an email from Beacon
                    Theater. Gov't Mule is going to be
                    there on New Year's Eve! Should I
                    get tickets?

                              BECKY
                    What's Gov't Mule?

                              MATT
                    What's Gov't Mule?! It's a band,
                    obviously!

                              BECKY
                    Are they any good?

                              MATT
                    Well, I've never listened to them,
                    but I've heard their name since
                    high school and their playing NEW
                    YEAR'S EVE at the BEACON THEATER,
                    so how bad can they be?

                              BECKY
                    Okay. Why not? Let's do it.

          MATT and BECKY each jump five feet into the air and high
          five.

          CUT TO:

          INT. BEACON THEATER- NIGHT

          MATT picks up the tickets from the box office and hands one
          to Becky. They enter the large, crowded auditorium.

                              MATT
                    I have a good feeling about this.

          The lights dim. Loud rock music plays. The crowd cheers as
          a mule slowly wanders onto the stage, wearing a sash that
          reads "GOV'T MULE." A roadie throws bits of grass onto the
          stage, which the mule grazes on. The crowd goes wild.

                              MATT
                    Well... this is kind of cool, huh?

                              BECKY
                    You owe me $25.

                              MATT
                    NOOOOOOO!!!

          MATT becomes so upset that he punches a hole in the floor of
          the Beacon Theater auditorium.

                              BECKY
                    Come on, let's get out of here
                    before anyone notices that you've
                    punched a hole in the floor of the
                    Beacon Theater auditorium.

                              MATT
                    Wait, I kinda want to see what the
                    Mule does next.

          Matt and Becky continue to watch The Government Mule graze.

          END.

DOCTOR SKETCH

2009-09-30T07:28:00.000-07:00

          INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

          Doctor sits down to talk with a couple, BRAD and SANDRA.

                              DOCTOR
                    Well, I have some good news and
                    some not-so-good news. I'll start
                    with the good news. The good news
                    is, your baby is a beautiful
                    healthy baby boy.

          Couple looks relieved.

                              DOCTOR
                    The bad news is, odds are the
                    pregnancy isn't going to end well.

                              SANDRA
                    What?

                              BRAD
                    What's the matter? Is Sandra going
                    to be okay?

                              DOCTOR
                    Oh yes, the actual birthing process
                    should be right as rain. It's the
                    after that I'm concerned about.
                    I've done some calculations, and
                    this child has a very low chance of
                    turning out, well, okay.

          BRAD and SANDRA look at each other, confused.

                              DOCTOR (CONT')
                    Well, for the first 40 years,
                    everything should seem normal.
                    Your child will get good grades, be
                    more or less well-liked at school,
                    get into a good liberal arts
                    college, meet the girl he's
                    eventually going to marry, graduate
                    suma cum laude, get his MA in
                    Marketing from Hofstra University
                    while working as a freelance web
                    designer for an audio equipment
                    company, move to Worchester, MA and
                    start a family. Then, just two
                    days after his youngest child,
                    Melissa Rose, celebrates her 1st
                    birthday, your child will be eating
                    dinner and he'll catch a glimpse of
                    his own reflection in the gravy
                    covering his Oreida mashed
                    potatoes, and he won't recognize
                    himself. Sallow cheekbones, crow's
                    feet, in those potatoes he'll see
                    the reflection of a man who lived a
                    life filled with compromises, a
                    life trying to please others
                    instead of ever asking what he
                    himself truly wanted.

                              SANDRA
                    What DID he want?

                              DOCTOR
                    To tour the country in a Grateful
                    Dead cover band. No more, no less.
                    Sure, after that moment, he'll quit
                    his cushy job down at the market
                    research firm, start playing
                    Grateful Dead around the house
                    24/7, and try to teach his family
                    how to play musical instruments so
                    they can tour the country with
                    him. But it's not going to work.

                              BRAD
                    why not?

                              DOCTOR
                    Have YOU ever tried teaching a baby
                    how to play drums?

                              BRAD
                    I guess not, no...

                              DOCTOR
                    i didn't think so. After that,
                    he'll get a job at a local Best Buy
                    as part of the Geek Squad, where
                    he'll spend the rest of his life
                    until 5 years later, when he's
                    fatally injured in the stock room
                    by a particularly large Sony Bravia
                    LCD television. I'm sorry.

                              SANDRA
                    Oh God, that sounds horrible. Is
                    there anything we can do?

                              DOCTOR
                    Well, there is one thing that might
                    work.

          DOCTOR pulls what looks to be a CD box set out of his desk
          drawer. He walks around to the front of the desk and shows
          it to the family. It is a Barry Manilow box set.

                              DOCTOR
                    Manilow. Lots and lots of Manilow.

          END.

DENTAL SKETCH

2009-09-29T10:56:00.000-07:00

          INT. DENTIST'S OFFICE- DAY

          BOB IS IN THE DENTIST CHAIR. THE DENTIST IS CHECKING BOB'S
          TEETH WHILE THE HYGIENIST LOOKS ON.

                              DENTIST
                    Okay, yeah, you're right, Beverly.
                    I'm seeing a lot of irritation in
                    the gums. And... 4 cavities.

          HYGIENIST WRITES "4" DOWN.

                              DENTIST
                    Mr. Stewart, I know I've said this
                    before, but it's time to start
                    taking better care of your teeth.

                              BOB
                    I know, I keep meaning to. I guess
                    I really let you guys down, huh?

                              DENTIST
                    Well, sort of. I mean, they're your
                    teeth.

                              BOB
                    Yeah but you guys were really
                    counting on me to change my ways
                    since the last appointment and I
                    didn't. Oh I feel like the biggest
                    jerk in the world!

                              DENTIST
                    Well, I don't think there's any use
                    in feeling like a jerk...

                              BOB
                    Oh but you guys are always so nice
                    to me. Every time I come in here
                    you clean my teeth and check to
                    make sure everything's okay.

                              HYGIENIST
                    Well, yes, but that's our job...

                              BOB
                    And if that weren't enough, you
                    don't even ask for anything in
                    return!

                              DENTIST
                    That's because your dental plan
                    covers the entire premium. We--

                              BOB
                    You guys are like modern day
                    saints, and how do I repay your
                    kindness? By eating 6 spoonfuls of
                    candy corn every night before I go
                    to sleep, when I should be
                    remembering to brush and floss!

                              HYGIENIST
                    Candy corn. I thought they only
                    made that stuff around Halloween.

                              DENTIST
                    And why do you eat it with a spoon?

                              BOB
                    Oh I'm a moron, a dope, a first
                    class, top o' the line stooge! I
                    don't deserve friends like you!

                              HYGIENIST
                    Uh, we're not your friends...

                              BOB
                    Sure, you guys are. You guys are
                    the best friends I have. You guys
                    are my best friends in the whole
                    wide world! Aren't you?

                              DENTIST
                    Um, of course we are. What, er,
                    Beverly means to say is, we can
                    continue to be friends with someone
                    who takes so little care of their
                    teeth. Right, Beverly?

                              HYGIENIST
                    Uh, right...

                              BOB
                    Okay. I can see that. Hey, I'll
                    tell you what, from this day forth,
                    I'm going to brush AND floss
                    between my teeth three times a day.

                              DENTIST
                    Attaboy! Now there's a fella I
                    want to be friends with!

                              BOB
                    Hey, that reminds me. I'm having a
                    dinner party this Thursday. Would
                    you two like to come?

          HYGIENIST looks at DENTIST.

                              DENTIST
                    Of course! We'll be there. What do
                    we bring?

          HYGIENIST grabs DENTIST'S arm.

                              HYGIENIST
                         (to BOB)
                    Excuse us a second.

          HYGIENIST pulls DENTIST out into the HALLWAY.

                              HYGIENIST
                    What the hell are you doing?

                              DENTIST
                    That man's dental health is at
                    stake! If he needs to believe we're
                    his BFF to steer himself off the
                    course of mouth-related disease and
                    catastrophe, then it's OUR JOB TO
                    BE HIS BFF.



                              HYGIENIST
                    This is ridiculous. I'm not doing
                    this.

                              DENTIST
                    Fine, do as you wish. BUT I TOOK AN
                    OATH, GODDAMN IT!

          DENTIST walks back into room.

          CUE MONTAGE TO YOUNG RASCALS' "GOOD LOVIN'"

          CUT TO:

          -BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST PLAYING VOLLEYBALL

          -BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST EATING ICE CREAM CONES IN THE
          PARK

          -BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST PLAYING TWISTER IN A BASEMENT

          -BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST FLYING A KITE IN THE PARK

          -BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST PLAYING FOOTBALL. DENTIST TELLS
          BOB TO GO LONG. BOB RUNS OUT INTO THE STREET. HE GETS HIT BY
          TRUCK. MUSIC STOPS DENTIST AND HYGIENIST'S MOUTHS ARE
          AGAPE.

                              HYGIENIST
                    Holy crap.

                              DENTIST
                    Wow...I was actually starting to
                    like the guy.

                              HYGIENIST
                    Me too.

                              TRUCKDRIVER
                    Guys, I am so sorry. I think I may
                    have killed your friend.

                              DENTIST
                    Oh, it's okay.

                              HYGIENIST
                    Yeah, he wasn't even really our
                    friend.

                              TRUCKDRIVER
                    Guys, I appreciate you trying to
                    make me feel better, but I feel
                    terrible. Hey, I have an idea.
                    I'm having a dinner party on
                    Thursday, maybe you guys would like
                    to come.

          DENTIST AND HYGIENIST look at the camera.

                              HYGIENIST AND DENTIST
                    NOOOOOO!!!!

          TRUCKDRIVER looks in the direction their looking.

                              TRUCKDRIVER
                    Who are you guys talking to?

          END.

JUKEBOX

2009-09-29T09:34:00.000-07:00

          INT. BAR - NIGHT

          BILL walks up to JUKEBOX. He searches for the slot to put
          money in. He goes over to the bar.

                              BILL
                    Excuse me, how does the jukebox
                    work? I don't see a money slot...

                              BARTENDER
                    Oh, that jukebox doesn't take
                    money.

                              BILL
                    Then how do you get it to work?

                              BARTENDER
                    Oh, you have to make five minutes
                    of conversation with my
                    brother-in-law Joe.

          BILL turns his head and sees Joe sitting on a stool in the
          corner next to the jukebox. Joe is a burly man in a parka,
          baseball cap, and sunglasses. He chews gum incessantly.

                              BILL
                    Ummm, can't I just give you money?
                    I'm kind of in the middle of a
                    date.

                              BARTENDER
                    Sorry, wish I could. Wife's
                    orders. Joe doesn't leave the
                    house much so this is her way of
                    getting him out of his shell and
                    meeting people. Here, I'll start
                    to the timer now.

          Bill sighs, and walks over to Joe.

                              BILL
                    Hey, Joe. How's it going? My name's
                    Bill.

                              JOE
                    You like sportscars?

                              BILL
                    Uh, they're all right.

                              JOE
                    What's your favorite sportscar?

                              BILL
                    Umm, corvette I guess--

                              JOE
                    How tall are you?

                              BILL
                    5'10". How tall are you?

                              JOE
                    Anh, it's not important. When's ya
                    birthday?

                              BILL
                    October 6th.

                              JOE
                    Anh, sorry to hear that.

                              BILL
                    Wait, what does that mean--

                              JOE
                    You play pool?

                              BILL
                    Sometimes.

                              JOE
                    I used to play all the time but the
                    doctor told me to stop after I
                    suffered a contusion on my left
                    elbow.

                              BILL
                    Sorry to hear that.

                              JOE
                    Ah, it's fine. It was probably for
                    the best. I never found sleeping
                    on pool tables that comfortable to
                    begin with--

                              BILL
                    Wait, why would you have to sleep
                    on pool t--

                              JOE
                    Ever go fishing?

                              BILL
                    Yeah, once. What's with all the
                    questions?

                              JOE
                    Catch anything?

                              BILL
                    No.

                              JOE
                    Congratulations.

                              BILL
                    I said NO.

                              JOE
                    What's your mother's maiden name?

                              BILL
                    What? Why are you asking me that?
                    I don't have to tell you that.

                              JOE
                    Fair enough, guess we can sit here
                    in awkward silence for the rest of
                    the allotted time.

          BEAT.

                              BILL
                         (to bartender)
                    Hey, how much more time do I have
                    left?

                              BARTENDER
                    4 and a half minutes.

                              BILL
                    Jesus Christ.

          PAUSE.

                              BILL
                    Diamond. My mother's maiden name is
                    Diamond.

                              JOE
                    What's your favorite juice drink?

                              BILL
                    I don't know... Sunny Delight?
                    What's YOUR favorite juice drink?

                              JOE
                    What's your favorite section of the
                    Sunday edition of the New York
                    Times?

                              BILL
                    I don't know. The crossword puzzle
                    I guess? What is with all these
                    questions?

                              JOE
                    A waitress in a restaurant makes an
                    error in your favor. Do you tell
                    her, or pretend like nothing is
                    wrong?

                              BILL
                    I'd probably pretend like nothing
                    is wrong. Why, wouldn't you?

                              JOE
                    What's your shoe size?

                              BILL
                    You know what, screw this! Forget
                    the stinkin' song! (to DATE)
                    Karen, gather your things. We're
                    going to another bar.

                              JOE
                    You're going to die on December 27,
                    2031 in a motel just outside
                    Reading, Pennsylvania.

                              BILL
                    What did you just say?

                              BARTENDER
                    Hey Joe, Karen's outside to drive
                    you home.

                              JOE
                    Right-o.

          JOE hops off the barstool and begins to leave.

                              BILL
                    Hey, hey wait. Come back here!

          Bill grabs Joe. The bartender holds Bill back. Joe leaves.

                              BARTENDER
                    Hey, hey easy pal, the
                    conversation's over.

                              BILL
                    But, but he said I am going to die
                    on December 27, 2031 in a motel
                    outside Reading, Pennsylvania.

                              BARTENDER
                    Yeah, of course he did.

                              BILL
                    What do you mean "of course he
                    did"?

                              BARTENDER
                    Haven't you seen today's paper?

          BARTENDER holds up newspaper. There is a picture of BILL and
          a CRAZED MURDERER. Headline reads, "CRAZED KILLER VOWS TO
          MURDER 5'10" SUNNY-D DRINKING CORVETTE ENTHUSIAST ON
          DECEMBER 7TH, 2031 IN MOTEL OUTSIDE READING, PA."

                              BILL
                    Oh. Well I guess it all makes
                    sense after all!

          END.

LEVEL 1 IMPROV CLASS

2009-09-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

INT. REHEARSAL STUDIO
JEN and STEVE do an improv scene set in outer space. ALDOUS, the somewhat effeminate-sounding teacher, looks on.

JEN
(alien voice)
AND THAT IS THE STORY OF HOW WE BECAME INHABITANTS OF THE PLANET GORGON. ZOLA.

ALDOUS
And I'm going to stop the scene right there. Good, but I'm going to take a wild guess: You just got out of a 5-year-relationship. You're not sure improv is for you but you want to know that you're at least trying to find yourself, and there's a small hope that your ex -boyfriend, whose name probably begins with a T--Tom, Tim--

JEN
Tyler.

ALDOUS
Right. Tyler will come to an improv show of yours, laugh until he farts, and want to get back together with you.

JEN
I don't know about the farting.

ALDOUS
Well, either way, from my angle, you're wearing your desperation like a feather fucking boa, girlfriend.

JEN
Well, then, what should I do to fix that?

ALDOUS
Short of quitting improv, getting a sassy haircut, and high-tailing it to Europe for a year to find yourself?

JEN
I already did that.

ALDOUS
I'd say listen more. No one goes to an improv theater to see some twenty-somethings with bad skin embark on spiritual journeys. They come to laugh until they fart. Next two. The suggestion is cowpoke.

JEFF and JEN step forward.

JEFF
Well howdy, cowpoke!

ALDOUS
Aaaand I'm going to stop the scene there. Jeff, right?

JEFF nods.

ALDOUS
I'm going to take a wild guess. You were a single parent. You just sent your youngest child off to college, and now you're getting nostalgic for your youth when you used to nurture foolish pipedreams of being an actor before you threw it all away on a woman who your friends hated and ended up leaving you for another man anyway?

JEFF
Sort of... Is there a note here?

ALDOUS
Short of getting in a time machine and telling yourself to start comedy 30 years earlier instead of standing there looking like you decided to sign up for a haha class with your grandkids? Yeah, I'd say listen more. LISTENING IS KEY, EVERYONE. The suggestion is falafel. (under breath) Jesus I could really go for some fucking falafel right now...

STEVE and MIKE step forward.

MIKE
I--

ALDOUS
(to MIKE)
And let's stop the scene. Mike, right?

MIKE
Yeah?

ALDOUS
You're thirty pounds overweight, from a middle class suburban family, and, I'm going to say... a virgin?

MIKE
Yeah?

ALDOUS
Nothing. You're golden. Keep going.

END.

THE TOKEN OFFICE SKETCH

2009-09-27T08:17:00.000-07:00

I figured there needed to be at least one.

INT. CORPORATE OFFICE-DAY

Mr, Worthington is sitting at his desk, typing. There is a line of dancing chorus girls behind him.

There is a knock at the door.

WORTHINGTON
Come in!

JENKINS enters.

WORTHINGTON
Jenkins, Jenkins, Jenkins, just the man I wanted to see. Jenkins, as you know, you’ve had a long and valuable tenure at this newspaper, one that me and eerybody. (motions to the chorus girls) appreciates. That’s why it’s not without a little difficulty that I’m going to have to let you go.

JENKINS
Let me go? Why? Did I do something wrong?

WORTHINGTON
Oh no no no, heavens no. You did everything right, serving this paper for 15 years with a dedication almost unparalleled in this business. See the thing is, we had our yearly budget meeting last night, and it came down to you… or the girls. I’m speaking softly because I don’t want them to feel like they’re an expendable part of this company.

JENKINS
Sorry, if you’ll forgive me, I’m not sure I understand. Why AREN’T they expendable?

WORTHINGTON
Pardon?

JENKINS
I mean sure, they’re talented and all, but this is a newspaper, and I’m a reporter.

WORTHINGTON
Mmm… I don’t follow.

JENKINS
My point is, all they do is dance.

WORTHINGTON
“All they do is dance”? And I suppose all Tiger Woods does is play golf? And all Meryl Streep does is does is act? And all the Brooklyn Dodgers do is play baseball?

JENKINS
Actually it’s the LA Dodgers.

WORTHINGTON
EXCUSE ME I’M TALKING. Those chorus girls and their obscenely revealing pantyhose are the heart and soul of this good company.

JENKINS
Even if that’s true, the fact is a newspaper needs reporters more than it needs dancing chorus girls.

WORTHINGTON
Mmm, interesting theory indeed. That’s what I always liked you, Jenkins. Always playing the devil’s advocate! If you wouldn’t mind sitting tight a second, I’m going to need a moment to think over what you just said.

WORTHINGTON gets up, joins the kickline. The conversation continues as WORTHINGTON does amazing feats of dance with the girls.

JENKINS
What if you just got rid of one of them?

WORTHINGTON
One of them? Are you out of your gourd? A chorus line with less just two girls is like a a tricycle with only two wheels?

JENKINS
You mean a bicycle?

WORTHINGTON
What the HELL is a bicycle? Get the hell out of my office?

JENKINS leaves.

WORTHINGTON
All right, girls. Who wants to see an old man do the Charleston?

CHORUS GIRLS
Hooraaaay!

END.

BEING A GROWN-UP IN AMERICA

2009-09-26T10:07:00.000-07:00

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

MAN SITS UP IN BED AND TALKS TO THE CAMERA.

MAN
Hooray! Time for another day as a Grown-Up in America!

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

MAN
When you're a grown up in America, you can do whatever you want! You can:

(the following would be accompanied by HILARIOUS visuals of the MAN doing all the things listed)

-EAT CANDY FOR BREAKFAST

-EAT CANDY FOR LUNCH

-HAVE CONSENSUAL SEX WITH AN ADULT OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER

-WEAR WOMEN'S UNDERGARMENTS TO THE BANK

-START YOUR OWN JUG BAND

MAN
Whew, being a grown up in America sure is tiring. Don't forget to stop for lunch.

MAN BITES SANDWICH, THEN TAKES THE PART HE BIT OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

MAN
Mmm, that really hits the spot. Afterwards, you can:

-IMPERSONATE A BARISTA

-WALK A CAT

-EAT CRACKERS IN BED

-MURDER A MAN IN COLD BLOOD

-GO JOGGING

-GET ARRESTED

-GO TO TRIAL FOR MURDERING A MAN IN COLD BLOOD

-GO TO PRISON FOR MURDERING A MAN IN COLD BLOOD

-EAT CANDY IN PRISON

-GROW OLD IN PRISON

-HAVE NON-CONSENSUAL SEX WITH AN IN-MATE OF THE SAME GENDER

You can do it all, when you're a grown up in America. Well, what are you waiting for? Get to it!

END.

SKETCH MONTH CHALLENGE

2009-09-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

ANNOUNCER
Hey audience! Time for a Sketch Month challenge! See if you can tell at what point Matt took a break from writing this sketch to go masturbate!

OPEN ON PIRATE SHIP. TWO PIRATES ARE SAILING THE SEAS.

PIRATE 1
Aye! What a glorious day to be bravin' the Mighty Pacific!

PIRATE 2
Aye, Smitty! I couldn't agree more!

PIRATE 1
Not a cloud in the sky! The wind in yer hair! The smell of sea salt waftin' through yer olefactories! Aye, it's truly days like these that make you glad to be a scoundrel of the seas!

PIRATE 2
Hear, hear, Matey!

PAUSE.

PIRATE 1
On second thought, ignore everything I just said. I hate meeself.

PIRATE 2
Aye, I hate meeself too.

PIRATE 1
This pirate thing is such a waste of time. "Sailin' the seven seas" my arse. Why can I do something productive with meeself for once in me wretched existence?

PIRATE 2
I'm nothin' but a lump o' shit.

PIRATE 1
No, I'M a lump o' shit.

PIRATE 2
No, I'M a lump o' shit!

THE TWO PIRATES YELL AND SHAKE EACH OTHER.

PIRATE 1
Aye, we're both lumps o' shits.

PIRATE 2
Agreed. Now let's go order Chinese and watch the latest episode of Guiding Light!

PIRATE 1
Arrrr!!!!

PIRATES STORM OFFSTAGE.

ANNOUNCER
So, did you get it? No? Jesus, I knew this thing would be a waste of time. Why didn't I listen to myself in the first place? God, I am such a lump of shit.

END.

HAPPY YOM KIPPUR

2009-09-26T07:34:00.001-07:00

MATT and ROB are sitting on a park bench. A Jewish guy with a yarmulke sits down on a bench across the way.

ROB
Hey Matt. You’re Jewish. What’s the deal with some Jews wear Yarmulkes all the time?

MATT
You don’t know?

ROB
No, what?

MATT
You’ve seriously never pressed down on a Jew’s yarmulke before?

ROB
No. Why, what happens when you press down on a Jew’s yarmulke?

MATT
Uh, when you press down on a Jew’s yarmulke, he sings the most beautiful Jewish folk song you’ve ever heard.

ROB
…Come on.

MATT
I’m serious! You don’t believe me, go over and try it.

ROB
No way! I’m not doing that!

MATT
But don’t let him catch you in the act, or else he’ll bite your left eye clean out of its socket.

ROB
(laughs) You are just fucking with me now.

MATT
Suit yourself…

BEAT.

ROB
Fine, I’ll do it. But I’m just doing it to prove that you’re fucking with me.

ROB sneaks up behind the Jew and presses down on his yarmulke. A pause. The Jew looks behind him and sees Rob. Suddenly, the Jew leaps up and bites ROB’s left eye out. ROB falls to the ground in pain while the Jew runs away in a mania.

MATT
Come to think of it, I think I dreamt that part about the folk song. At least I was half right though, right? Hey, are you okay?

ROB
You… are an asshole.

END.

SPANISH SKETCH

2009-09-25T21:48:00.000-07:00

NOTE: The following was written using the full breadth of Matt's Spanish vocabulary. Enjoy!

INT. CASA DE HECTOR – NOCHE

HECTOR y RAMIREZ estan.

HECTOR
¡Hola Ramirez!

RAMIREZ
¡Hola Hector!

HECTOR
¿Como esta, Ramirez?

RAMIREZ
Muy bien! ¿Y tu?

HECTOR
¡Bien! ¡Muy bien!

RAMIREZ
¡Hasta luego!

HECTOR
¡Buenos noches!

RAMIREZ
¡Si!

HECTOR
¿Donde esta la discoteca?

RAMIREZ
A la aeropuerto.

HECTOR
¿Con el gato?

RAMIREZ
Si, con el gato.

HECTOR
¡Aye que pena!

LLAMA arribe.

LLAMA
¡Hola Hector! ¡Hola Ramirez!

HECTOR Y RAMIREZ
¡Hola Llama!

LLAMA
¡Taco! ¡Burrito! ¡Chimichonga!

RAMIREZ
Pesos.

NEGRA-OUT.

THE ORIGIN OF SBARRO

2009-09-23T10:35:00.000-07:00

INT. GRANDPA'S COTTAGE - DAY

Grandpa lies on his deathbed. He is sleeping. His only grandson, ANTONIO, sits beside him. Grandpa slowly awakens.

GRANDPA
Antonio...

ANTONIO
Grandpa, you awake!

GRANDPA
I'm a-dyin', Antonio.

ANTONIO
No, Grandpa, you gonna be okay. You gonna be okay!

GRANDPA
Antonio, promise-a me something before I go.

ANTONIO
Anything, Grandpa Sbarro. Anything!

GRANDPA
Promise me you'll go to the New World and start a chain of shitty, overpriced Italian eateries dedicated to my memory!

ANTONIO
Shitty? Can't they be good?

GRANDPA
No, they-a have to be shitty. I want-a the people to pay 4 bucks for a slice of pizza that tastes like it's been-a sitting out on the sidewalk for a week.

ANTONIO
Okay, Grandpa, anything you say!

GRANDPA
Promise me one more thing. These eateries--

GRANDPA coughs violently. ANTONIO hands him some water.

GRANDPA
Promise Grandpa you put one in every shopping mall and-a airport in America.

ANTONIO
Of course, Grandpa. Of course!

GRANDPA
Make the business man regret he didn't just wait to eat on-a the plane, instead of spending 8 bucks on-a a freakin' calzone.

ANTONIO
Anything you say, grandpa. Consider it done!

GRANDPA
Oh, and before I forget. The music, make sure the music they play on the radio in each-a restaurant is-a so bad, you want-a to rip-a your eyeballs out, put your eyeballs on a your pizza, and eat them as a topping on-a your shitty slice of-a pizza.

ANTONIO
No problem, Grandpa.

GRANDPA
Eyeball pizza.

ANTONIO
Eyeball pizza it is!

GRANDPA
Good luck, Antonio. Good luck.

GRANDPA keels over. ANTONIO holds GRANDPA'S head against his chest.

ANTONIO
I'll-a miss you, grandpa!

GRANDPA
One more thing!

ANTONIO
Oh. Yes?

GRANDPA
In 50 years, there's going to be a young man named Matt Koff who walks into one of these establishments. Make sure his dining experience is particularly awful. Make sure the garlic knots he orders taste like they've been covered in sawdust, and that the Nestea he orders tastes like it was previously used as bathwater for filthy Mormon children. Oh, and that the cashier their is kind of weirdly bitchy for no reason, and that she has this big birthmarky thing on the left side of her forehead. Not her left, Matt's-a left.

ANTONIO
Matt's left. Got it.

GRANDPA
And this is the most important thing of all. Make sure Matt is so incensed after his awful experience that he goes home and writes a sketch about it. A sketch that is obvious and rather heavy-handed, but still counts as a sketch for National Sketch Writing Month, nonetheless.

ANTONIO
It will be done, Grandpa.

GRANDPA
Goodbye, Antonio.

ANTONIO
Grandpa, wait!

GRANDPA DIES.

MATT SUDDENLY APPEARS IN TIME MACHINE.

ANTONIO
Who are you?

MATT
I'm Matt Koff, the guy your grandpa was just talking about. I'm just here to tell you that you end up fulfilling all his wishes and everything ends up working out for the best!

ANTONIO
Great! Looking like I don't have to do anything then.

ANTONIO pulls out a PSP and starts playing it.

MATT
No, wait!

SPACE TIME CONTINUUM OCCURS.

THE END...?

OBAMA DEATH PANEL

2009-09-19T13:54:00.000-07:00

          INT. CHARLIE ROSE-ESQUE TALK SHOW STUDIO

          FRIENDLY SOUNDING MUSIC PLAYS. SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: OBAMA DEATH PANEL.

                              OBAMA
                    Hello, I'm President Barack Obama,
                    and welcome to The Obama Death
                    Panel. On the panel tonight we
                    have Dr. Roger Marcus, Professor of
                    Grief Counseling at the University
                    of Wisconsin, Dr. Sandra Constance,
                    well-known author of several books
                    on coping with the loss of a loved
                    one, and noted pathologist Dr. Jack
                    Davis. Welcome.

                              GUESTS
                    Thanks./My pleasure/Thank you for
                    having me.

                              OBAMA
                    For those of you tuning in for the
                    first time, The Obama Death Panel
                    is a talk show dedicated to
                    enlightening the public about the
                    grieving process. If tonight's
                    Obama Death Panel does not mind,
                    we're going to begin this episode
                    of the Obama Death Panel by taking
                    some calls.

                              GUESTS
                    That's fine./Sure./Go ahead!

                              OBAMA
                    Hello, Casey from Wilmington,
                    Delaware. You're on the Obama
                    Death Panel.

                              CASEY
                    Hi, President Obama. I just want to
                    say that these death panels of
                    yours that are immoral and
                    unjustifiable, and I--

                              OBAMA
                    Casey, if I may, can I just stop
                    you for a second? I think you're
                    confusing the title of this talk
                    show with the outlandish claims
                    being made against me by
                    anti-healthcare reform movement. In
                    those death panels, which I'd like
                    to state once again are a complete
                    fabrication, elderly Americans are
                    put to sleep at the hands of
                    unfeeling government bureaucrats.
                    This Obama Death Panel is a talk
                    show in which panelists discuss
                    the psychological effects of losing
                    a loved one.

                              CASEY
                    Oh... Well that's kind of
                    confusing.

                              OBAMA
                    Perhaps it is. Do you have a
                    question about death or
                    the grieving process?

                              CASEY
                    Not really...

                              OBAMA
                    Okay, well thank you Casey for
                    calling the Obama Death Panel. Our
                    next caller is Margaret from
                    Portland, Oregon. Margaret, you're
                    on the Obama Death Panel.

                              MARGARET
                    Hi, I just wanted to say. It's one
                    thing for the government to decide
                    who lives and who dies, but to
                    televise it like this--

                              OBAMA
                    Hi Margaret, let me just stop you
                    for a second. This is not, I
                    repeat, not a televised execution.

                              MARGARET
                    It isn't?

                              OBAMA
                    No.

                              MARGARET
                    But it's called the Obama Death
                    Panel...

                              OBAMA
                    Yes. It's a talk show in which I,
                    President Barack Obama, moderate a
                    discussion about death and the
                    grieving process.

                              MARGARET
                    So, you're NOT going to kill those
                    poor old people sitting next to you?

                              OBAMA
                    No, of course not. They are the
                    top experts in their respective fields. Such an action
                    would be foolish at best.

                              MARGARET
                    Oh, thank goodness.

                              OBAMA
                    Do you have a question about death
                    or the grieving process?

                              MARGARET
                    No, not really.

                              OBAMA
                    Okay, Margaret. Well thank you for
                    calling the Obama Death Panel.
                    Looks like we have time for
                    one more call. Let's hope this is a
                    good one since, let's be frank, this
                    hasn't been the most productive
                    episode so far.

                              GUESTS
                    Not at all./I'm afraid not./A giant
                    waste of time for all involved.

                              OBAMA
                    Our next caller is Hector from Long
                    Beach, California. Hector, you're
                    on the Obama Death Panel.

                              HECTOR
                    Hi, I have a question about death.

                              OBAMA
                    Hey, great!

                              GUESTS
                    Fantastic/super/Oh this is a most
                    joyous occasion indeed.

                              HECTOR
                    Yeah, my grandmother's really
                    senile and just kinda sits around all day. I just wondering
                    how I could put her on one of those
                    panels of yours. I
                    went to the White House's website
                    but I didn't see--

                              OBAMA
                    Hector, I think you may be confused.

                              HECTOR
                    Huh?

                              OBAMA
                    The federal government does not
                    kill old people.

                              HECTOR
                    It doesn't?

                              OBAMA
                    No.

                              HECTOR
                    Oh, shit. Well this is really
                    embarrassing.

                              OBAMA
                    You're not alone. Half the country
                    thinks I want to kill its
                    grandmothers, so you can imagine
                    how embarrassed I feel.

                              HECTOR
                    Well, you can kill mine. She's
                    really just like a total vegetable.

                              OBAMA
                         (extremely serious)
                    Hector, I'm not going to kill your
                    grandmother.

          AWKWARD BEAT.

                              HECTOR
                    Oh. Uh, okay.

                              OBAMA
                    Well, that's all the time we have
                    on this week's Obama Death Panel.
                    And now, because we did not succeed
                    in answering anyone's questions about loss
                    or the grieving process, all my guests must now
                    all be put to death.

          MEN IN LAB COATS ENTER, STICKING THE PANELISTS WITH SYRINGES.

                              GUESTS
                    Oh no!/Not me./This is an outrage! An outrage I say!

                              OBAMA
                    See you next week, America.

          OBAMA laughs insidiously.

          CUE OUTRO.

          END.

IN-N-OUT LINGO

2009-09-16T21:35:00.001-07:00

          INT. IN-N-OUT BURGER - DAY

                              CRAIG
                    Okay, how does this work again?

                              ROB
                    Just go up there and ask for a
                    cheeseburger, "animal style."

                              CRAIG
                    Okay, animal style. Do I... do or
                    say anything else?

                              ROB
                    No, that's it.

                              CRAIG
                    OK. Here goes.

          CRAIG goes up to counter.

                              BEVERLY
                    Hello, welcome to In-N-Out Burger.
                    My name is Beverly. How may I help
                    you today?

                              CRAIG
                    Yeah, hi. I'd like a cheeseburger.

                              BEVERLY
                    And how would you like that cooked?

                              CRAIG
                    Animal-style.

          BEVERLY slaps CRAIG across the face.

          BEAT.

          CRAIG walks back to ROB.

                              ROB
                    How'd it go?

                              CRAIG
                    She slapped me.

                              ROB
                    What?

                              CRAIG
                    She slapped me across the face.

                              ROB
                    Dude, what the hell did you say to
                    her?

                              CRAIG
                    What did I say to her? I told her
                    what you told me to say.

                              ROB
                    No you didn't. You must have said
                    something horrible.

                              CRAIG
                    No I didn't! I asked for a
                    cheeseburger animal-style.

                              ROB
                    Well which word did you accentuate?

                              CRAIG
                    What?

                              ROB
                    Did you put the accent on "animal"
                    or "style"?

                              CRAIG
                    What difference does it make?

                              ROB
                    Believe me, it makes a huge
                    difference.

                              CRAIG
                    I doubt that. Maybe she's just new
                    or something. Maybe she's not
                    familiar with the lingo.

                              ROB
                    She's not new. I order an animal
                    style from Beverly every single day
                    on my lunchbreak. Hi Beverly!

                              BEVERLY
                    Hi Rob!

                              ROB
                    Look, just go up there, and ask for
                    an animal style, and make sure you
                    put the accent on "style."

                              CRAIG
                    Fine.

          CRAIG goes to counter.

                              BEVERLY
                    Hello, welcome to In-N-Out Burger.
                    My name is Beverly. How may I help
                    you today?

                              CRAIG
                    Hi Beverly. I'd like a
                    cheeseburger, animal-STYLE please.

          BEVERLY stares at CRAIG blankly for a beat.

                              CRAIG
                    Animal-STYLE.

          ANOTHER BEAT. BEVERLY blinks.

                              CRAIG
                    Hello? What's the matter with you?

          CRAIG looks back at ROB. ROB gives CRAIG a thumbs up.

          CRAIG goes back to ROB's table.

                              ROB
                    Looks like it's going well over
                    there!

                              CRAIG
                    What the hell are you talking
                    about? She's not DOING anything!

                              ROB
                    What? Oh, I guess you're right.
                    Well what did you say to her now?

                              CRAIG
                    I asked for a cheeseburger,
                    animal-style! What the hell do you
                    think I said to her?

                              ROB
                    Well let me ask you this. What was
                    the pitch of your voice as you
                    asked for the burger?

                              CRAIG
                    The pitch?

                              ROB
                    Yeah, was it like your regular
                    pitch, or was it like... an octave
                    higher?

                              CRAIG
                    Uh, I guess it was my regular
                    voice? I don't usually talk like a
                    girl when ordering fast food.

                              ROB
                    Well, maybe you should try that
                    then.

                              CRAIG
                    W--?

          CRAIG sighs in exasperation and races up to counter.

                              BEVERLY
                    Hello, welcome to In-N-Out B--.

                              CRAIG
                    Yeah, whatever. (high-voice)
                    Cheeseburger,
                    Animal-st--Animal-STYLE, please!

          BEVERLY looks at CRAIG for a minute and then goes to the
          kitchen.

                              CRAIG
                    Augh, FINALLY.

          CRAIG gives thumbs up to ROB.

          BEVERLY comes back with a BABY IN A CARSEAT. She places it
          on the counter and stares at CRAIG.

                              CRAIG
                    Uh... Uh, that's a baby.

          NO RESPONSE.

          AFTER A MOMENT, CRAIG TAKES THE BABY AND BRINGS IT BACK TO
          THE TABLE.

                              ROB
                    Hey, that's a baby, not a burger!

                              CRAIG
                    I know!

                              ROB
                    You asked for a baby?

                              CRAIG
                    No, I asked for a cheeseburger,
                    animal-style, accent on the style,
                    in an octave above my regular
                    voice. As a result, I was given
                    this baby.

                              ROB
                    Well that's great. Haven't you and
                    Shari been having trouble
                    conceiving?

                              CRAIG
                    First of all, keep your voice
                    down. Second of all, I don't want
                    this baby. This one's ugly.

          CRAIG runs finger across baby's forehead.

                              CRAIG
                    Not to mention it's covered in
                    french fry grease.

          CRAIG licks finger and makes a sour face.

                              ROB
                    All right, here's what you do. Go
                    up there and say "Give me a
                    cheeseburger, you fucking bitch?"

                              CRAIG
                    Really? What happens if I say
                    that?

                              ROB
                    Just do it.

          CRAIG goes to counter.

                              BEVERLY
                    Hello--

                              CRAIG
                    Give me a cheeseburger, you fucking
                    bitch!

          BEVERLY jumps across the counter and starts violently making
          out with CRAIG.

                              CRAIG
                    What the hell did I just ask for?

                              ROB
                    A cheeseburger, but apparently she
                    has a thing for assholes.

          END.

WHY DIDN'T YA SAY SO?

2009-09-16T19:54:00.000-07:00

          INT. KITCHEN-NIGHT

          FATHER McKENZIE, an Irish Priest, sits at a kitchen table
          with HARRY and CONNOR, a gay married couple.

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    Well gentlemen, I've spent the past
                    three days straight with little
                    Sarah, and there is now no doubt in
                    my mind. She is definitely
                    possessed by the devil himself.

                              HARRY
                    Oh God.

          CONNOR puts his arm around HARRY to console him.

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    But the one question that continues
                    to vex me is, how did Satan find
                    his wicked way into little Sarah's
                    heart? This is no doubt a healthy,
                    nurturing home, and Sarah is a
                    decent young woman with a strong
                    moral compass. I simply cannot
                    figure it out.

                              HARRY
                    I'm sorry, Father McKenzie. I wish
                    we had more to tell you.

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    That's all right. Perhaps Sarah's
                    mother will be able to shed some
                    light on the subject. Do you have
                    any idea when she'll be home?

                              CONNOR
                    Oh, Sarah has no mother.

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    Pardon? No mother didja say?

                              HARRY
                    Well, we're her mother AND her
                    father. ... We're gay.

          FATHER MCKENZIE looks at them confused.

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    Gay?

                              CONNOR
                    Yeah.

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                         (relieved)
                    Well for heaven's sake! why didn't
                    you tell me that in the first
                    place?

                              CONNOR
                     We didn't think it mattered.

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    Dinnut think it mattered? You two
                    are playin' with each other's
                    piggledywiggedlies till the early
                    mornin' hours everynight and you're
                    confused about why Satan's hangin'
                    around your house like it's Free
                    Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's? Have ya
                    gone mental? There's nothin' the
                    King of Liars loves more than a
                    good gay romp!

                              FATHER MCKENZIE CALLS UP TO SECOND
                              FLOOR.


                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    Hey Teddy, they're butt-patters!

                              FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY (O.S.)
                    Oh you've got to be kiddin' me!

          Enter FATHER O'SHAUGNESSY.

                              FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
                    You two are a couple o' butt
                    patters?

                              CONNOR
                    We prefer the term "gay"--

                              FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
                    Geez Louise, why didn't ya tell us
                    that 72 hours ago? I've already
                    sent 3 of these suits to the
                    cleaners, thanks to all the green
                    crap your daughter's spewin' at me!

                              HARRY
                    Well look, I'm no expert, but it
                    seems odd to place this whole thing
                    on our being gay.

                              CONNOR
                    Yeah! Isn't supernatural possession
                    usually more like... a culmination
                    of reasons?

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    Ohh, a "culmination" he says?

                              FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
                    Oh that's interesting. A
                    "culmination"!

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    Hmm, well let's see. Now that you
                    mention it, it is a bit humid in
                    here!

                              FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
                    Oh, and those drapes are mite
                    crooked to tell the truth.

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    Oh yeah, and--no, I'm pretty sure
                    it's just that you two are gay.

                              HARRY
                    All right, you've made your point.
                    What do we have to do?

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    Well, first, you're going to have
                    to renounce the sin of
                    homosexuality.

                              CONNOR
                    But homosexuality isn't a sin.

                              FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
                    Look, do you want to sit here and try
                    n' catch us in one of your gay logic traps,
                    or do ya want us to help?

                              HARRY
                    All right, then what?

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    After that, you'll have to vanquish
                    all traces of gayocity from your
                    living quarters.

                              FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
                    That includes white wine spritzers,
                    recipes for garlic hummus, Jason
                    Statham movies.

                              CONNOR
                    Jason Statham isn't gay.

                              FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
                    No, but he is quite good-looking.

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    Ooh yeah, dangerously so.

                              HARRY
                    Then what?

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    Then, all you have to do start new
                    lives as heterosexuals, find a
                    couple of female partners you'd
                    like to make honest women of, and
                    bare lots of Irish-Catholic babies.

                              CONNOR
                    Well, but we're gay. We can't just
                    turn straight.

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    Hmm, I suppose that's true.

                              FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
                    Good point.

          BEAT.

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    In that case, have you ever
                    considered a career as a priest?

          FATHER MCKENZIE puts his hand over CONNOR'S hand,
          suggestively. FATHER O'SHAUGNESSY winks at the audience.

          BLACKOUT.

          LIGHTS UP.

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    Because a lot of priests are
                    repressed homosexuals.

          FATHER O'SHAUGNESSY winks at the audience.

          BLACKOUT.

          LIGHTS UP.

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    Oh, and don't forget to have a
                    happy halloween!

          FATHER O'SHAUGNESSY winks at the audience.

                              FATHER MCKENZIE
                    Wouldja cool it with the winkin'
                    already? You're makin' everyone
                    very uncomfortable.

                              FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
                    ...Sorry.

          BLACKOUT.

THAT GUY'S JACKET

2009-09-14T18:03:00.000-07:00

So my friend Jordan (who is also participating in National Sketch Writing Month) challenged me to a "Write a Sketch in 5 Minutes Challenge," which is apparently something The State* used to do. So, the title of this sketch is Jordan's, the rest is mine, and the pleasure... IS ALL YOURS.**

*according to Jordan, one of the jokes in this is pretty similar to something from The State. But I've hardly seen any of The State's stuff, so I'm innocent, I tells ya.
**not really, this sketch kinda blows

THAT GUY’S JACKET.

Open on ZOO.

David: Hey, look at that guy’s jacket!

Yelson: I think it’s leather!

David: You mean cowhide?!

Yelson: One and the same.

DAVID AND YELSON SHIMMY OVER TO GUY.

David: EXCUSE ME.

Yelson: GUY.

David: EXCUSE ME.

Yelson: GUY.

Guy: Yes?

David and Yelson: We couldn’t help but notice your jacket!

Guy: This jacket is cowhide. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to watch the monkeys fornicate.

DAVID AND YELSON LOOK AT EACH OTHER, TAKEN ABACK. THEY SHIMMY BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL POSITION.

David: That guy’s an asshole!

Yelson: He doesn’t deserve that jacket!

David: That jacket could find a better owner through an anonymous encounter on craigslist!!!

Yelson: We must help that jacket!

David: The jacket, it needs our help.

DAVID AND YELSON SHIMMY OVER TO GUY.

DAVID AND YELSON: HEY

Guy: What is it n--?

DAVID PUNCHES GUY IN THE FACE, YELSON TRIES TO PULL JACKET OFF. THIS STRUGGLING GOES ON FOR A GOOD 60 SECONDS.

David: I’M BORED.

Yelson: YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN, JACKET. PANDA CAGE HO!

END.

OCTOBER 31ST, 5082

2009-09-12T08:16:00.000-07:00

          STAGE DARK.

                              V.O.
                    And now, a special sneak peek at
                    what's happening on October 31st...
                    5082!

          AUDIO: STING OF DRAMATIC MUSIC.

          LIGHTS UP ON FATHER, DAUGHTER, AND SON. THEY ARE DRESSED IN
          FUTURISTIC COSTUMES.

                              FATHER
                    And that, children, is the story of
                    Halloween.

                              DAUGHTER
                    Wow, those primitive homosapiens
                    sure did observe some silly,
                    nonsensical traditions.

                              SON
                    A-ffirmative!

                              FATHER
                    Well, enough idle chatter, kids.
                    After all, we have only a few short
                    hours left to celebrate
                    "Salsa-Dance-With-Your-Effigy-of-Dabney-
                    Coleman" Day.

          THEY ALL TAKE OUT THEIR EFFIGIES OF DABNEY COLEMAN, AND
          BEGIN SALSA DANCING WITH THEM.

                              FATHER
                    Great dancing, kids. Keep it up, and one of you is bound to be
                    elected President of the United States!

                              DAUGHTER and SON
                    Hooraaaay!

          BLACKOUT.

HAUNTED LABORATORY

2009-09-12T06:21:00.000-07:00

          INT. HAUNTED HOUSE-NIGHT.

          AUDIO: SCARY HARPSICHORD MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND.

          A "MAD SCIENTIST" guides STEVE, a customer of the haunted
          house, through the "laboratory." Steve is blindfolded. The
          mad scientist puts Steve's hand into Bucket #1.

                              STEVE
                    Oh noooo. Gross. Hahaha. Oh those
                    are just peeled grapes, right?
                    Right? Hello?

          The mad scientist places a finger over Steve's lips, and
          leads him over to Bucket #2.

                              STEVE
                    Oh, no! Ewww, cold spaghetti! That
                    is so gross! That IS just cold
                    spaghetti, right? It's not
                    something grosser than that?

          The mad scientist places a finger over Steve's lips, and
          leads him over to Bucket #3. Before he puts Steve's hand
          in, he looks around and switches Bucket #3 with another
          Bucket #3. Mad scientist puts Steve's hand into the new
          Bucket #3.

                              STEVE
                    Eww-- Wait a minute. These are just
                    condoms. This is just a bucket of
                    condoms.

          The mad scientist then unbuttons his own shirt and places
          Steve's hand on his nipple.

                              STEVE
                    Wait, what? What's going on here?

          The mad scientist places a finger over Steve's lips, sits
          him down in a chair, and proceeds to give him a lap dance.

          Steve pushes mad scientist away and takes off blindfold.

          AUDIO: HARPSICHORD MUSIC (FOR SOME REASON) STOPS.

                              STEVE
                    Dude, what the fuck?

          Mad scientist shrugs helplessly. He tries to approach Steve
          again.

                              STEVE
                    No. NO! That is NOT appropriate!

          STEVE storms out.

          Mad scientist makes pouty face to audience.

          FRANKENSTEIN enters.

                              FRANKSTENSTEIN
                    I don't blame ya, bro. I woulda
                    hit that shit too.

          Mad scientist and Frankstein high-five.

          END.

YOUR SON IS FAT

2009-09-11T05:21:00.000-07:00

          INT. LIVING ROOM-NIGHT

          A nice middle-aged married couple, DREW and SHEILA, sit on
          the couch reading magazines. There is a bowl of candy on
          their coffee table.

          Doorbell rings. SHEILA goes to open the door. We see IAN,
          an 8-year-old trick-or-treater in a dinosaur costume.
          CASTING NOTE: He is not fat.

                              IAN
                    Trick-or-treat!

                              SHEILA
                    Oh, hello Ian. And what are you
                    supposed to be?

                              IAN
                    A dinosaur!

                              SHEILA
                    Ah, very scary indeed! Well, have
                    a good night...

                              IAN
                    Wait, can I have some candy please?

                              SHEILAP
                    Oh, I'm afraid Mr. Calloway and I
                    can't give you any candy this year.

                              IAN
                    Why not?

                              SHEILA
                    Because you're too fat. I'm sorry.

          They close the door on IAN.

          They sit down. The doorbell rings. SHEILA gets the door. It
          is GREG, IAN's father.

                              SHEILA
                    Oh, hello Gregory.

                              GREG
                    Hi. What did you just say to my
                    son? He's over there crying into
                    your garbage cans.

                              DREW
                    Well, he asked for some candy,
                    Greg, and we told him no.

                              GREG
                    Why?

                              SHEILA
                    Because he's too fat.

                              GREG
                    Excuse me? My son is not fat at
                    all. Why would you say that?

                              SHEILA
                    Look, Greg, we're not making any
                    judgments here. If you want to
                    pump your son into a lard balloon,
                    be our guest. We're just not going
                    to be accomplices to that.

                              DREW
                    It's like if you wanted to turn
                    your basement into a miniature
                    concentration camp. Fine with us,
                    but we're not going to help you pay
                    your gas bill.

                              GREG
                    What the hell are you talking
                    about? My son is average weight.

                              SHEILA
                    Well, maybe we just have different
                    standards for what average is. For
                    example, when we say "average," we
                    mean average for a human boy and
                    not, say, a hippopotamus or a large
                    sea mammal.

                              DREW
                    The point is, Sheila and I made a
                    promise to ourselves this Halloween
                    not to contribute to the child
                    obesity epidemic.

                              GREG
                    But I just saw you guys give candy
                    to the Castillardi boys. They're
                    WAY heavier than Ian.

                              SHEILA
                    Yes but they're also on the school
                    football team.

                              DREW
                    Those boys are machines. They need
                    all the carbs they can get.

                              SHEILA
                    If we give your son a Kit-Kat
                    though, we have no reason to
                    believe it won't just sit in his
                    stomach, along with all the Cocoa
                    Krispies and Froot Loops you feed
                    him--

                              GREG
                    I give my son Raisin Bran every
                    single morning.

                              SHEILA
                    Well, maybe you should start
                    cutting him off after one bowl...

                              DREW
                    Look, Greg, how about this: If your
                    fat child is able to do ten, no,
                    five sit-ups, we'll give him a
                    piece of candy.

                              GREG
                    Are you out of your mind? My son
                    is not doing any sit-ups for you
                    sick assholes!

                              DREW
                    Why is that? Are you afraid he...
                    won't be able to?

                              GREG
                    Ian, get in here.

          IAN enters.

                              GREG
                    Get down and do 5 sit-ups.

                              IAN
                    But dad...

                              GREG
                    NOW!

          IAN gets down and starts to sit ups.

                              DREW
                    Not too fast, now. We don't want
                    you having a heart attack.

                              GREG
                    Shut the hell up.

          IAN begins struggling to do sit-ups.

                              GREG
                    Come on, son! Come on!

          iAN gives up.

                              GREG
                    All right, fine. My son is fat.

                              SHEILA
                    You know what that means.

                              GREG
                         (sullen)
                    Yeah, I know.

                              DREW
                    It means someone's getting a visit
                    from the CHILD OBESITY LLAMA!

          AUDIO: CUE JOHNNY CASH'S "RING OF FIRE" IN BACKGROUND.

          A LLAMA ENTERS, WEARING A SIGN THAT SAYS "YOUR CHILD IS
          FAT."

                              LLAMA
                    HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYONE!

          END.

JESUS CRUST

2009-09-10T02:46:00.000-07:00

          INT. BUS TERMINAL-DAY

          ROCCO, a 4-year-old kid, is walking. He is talking on a
          cellphone and does not notice that JESUS CHRIST
          is standing in the middle of the bus terminal.

                              ROCCO
                    Yeah, whenever someone tells me
                    that 4 is too young to own a
                    cellphone, I just tell them they
                    can suck my big, fat, underaged--

          ROCCO sees JESUS and drops his cellphone.

                              ROCCO (CONT'D)
                    Look everyone, it's Jesus! Jesus is
                    back!

          EVERYONE in bus station rushes to come see.

          JESUS speaks in a thick Italian accent.

                              JESUS
                    Yes, everyone, it's me, Jesus-a
                    Christ. I have returned from-a the
                    dead, and guess what. I brought-a
                    pizza!

          JESUS reveals a stack of pizza boxes. EVERYONE cheers. They
          gather round to get pizza.

                              JESUS (CONT'D)
                    I've-a come back to Earth to
                    deliver a very important message.
                    Right now, Bertucci's is-a having a
                    one-time-only back-to-school lunch
                    special, where you can two slices,
                    a soda, and a piece of their
                    delicious-a cheesy bread for just-a
                    $5.95--

          BUS DRIVER interrupts.

                              BUS DRIVER
                    Hey wait a minute, this isn't Jesus
                    Christ!

          BUS DRIVER pulls off JESUS' beard to reveal a big bushy
          mustache.

                              EVERYONE
                         (disappointed)
                    Bertucci!

                              BERTUCCI
                         (to AUDIENCE)
                    What can I say? I'm a sucker for
                    publicity stunts that are both
                    unnecessary and horribly offensive!

          PAUSE.

          END.

ALL'S WELL IN THE TOWN OF FUCKLAND

2009-09-08T14:39:00.000-07:00

          INT. TOWN HALL - NIGHT

                              V.O.
                    All rise for the Mayor of Fuckland.

          THE STATELY MAYOR OF FUCKLAND walks to the podium.

                              MAYOR
                    Ladies and gentlemen of the
                    Fuckland Town Council, I stand
                    before you today, humbled. Humbled
                    by the work ethic, generosity, and
                    optimism of every single one of
                    Fuckland's residents. Because of
                    them, Fuckland's future is brighter
                    today than ever. I don't know if
                    you remember how things were only a
                    year ago, but allow me to remind
                    you: Shit was bad. Shit was real
                    bad. Perhaps you recall this
                    headline, printed by our very own
                    Fuckland Gazette.

          MAYOR holds up newspaper with the headline, "FUCKLAND
          FUCKED."

                              MAYOR (CONT'D)
                    But how exactly, you may ask, has
                    shit changed since then? For
                    starters, one need only take a trip
                    over to Fuckland's local Titty
                    Factory, where tittyjobs are up 20%
                    this fiscal year, and that's only
                    in the first quarter. Fuckland
                    property value is through the roof.
                    In downtown Fuckland, young
                    professionals are practically
                    punching each other in the cock for
                    a shot at one of Fuckland's new
                    luxury condominiums. If you ask any
                    landlord in Fuckland if Fuckland is
                    fucked, they'll tell you, "Fuck
                    you! Do you see how much fucking
                    money I'm making? You must be out
                    of your fucking mind! Bitch!"

                    But as has always been the case in
                    Fuckland, the critics must have
                    their say. Some say that Fuckland
                    is becoming too overdeveloped for
                    its own good. That we're more
                    interested in catering to the needs
                    of big business than families and
                    the community. That we're losing
                    touch with the needs of the middle
                    class. To which I reply: Balls.
                    That's right, 100%, pure,
                    unadulterated balls. Tell that to
                    the students of Fuckland, whose
                    test scores have skyrocketed over
                    the past year, surpassing those of
                    neighboring towns Bumblefuck and
                    Cuntsburg COMBINED. In fact, this
                    month, Fuckland High School was
                    listed as no less than #6 in FORBES
                    Magazine's "100 Best Places In The
                    U.S. to Teach Shit To Students."
                    Tell it to Fuckland's senior
                    population, who, according to a new
                    survey, is living longer than ever.
                    This is in no small part due to the
                    Fuckland Senior Outreach Program,
                    whose volunteers are willing to do
                    nasty-ass shit day after day to
                    keep our seniors both fucking happy
                    and fucking healthy.

                    If you'll indulge me, I'd like to
                    take a moment to reflect on our
                    beloved Fuckland's glorious and
                    sometimes tumultuous history. Back
                    in the American Revolution, before
                    Fuckland was even known as
                    Fuckland, the officers and generals
                    of Fort Dicktwat fought hard for
                    what would eventually become
                    Fuckland's core values, risking
                    their lives in the face of
                    relentless cockgobblers who sought
                    to fuck those values up. Meanwhile,
                    African slaves took shit from their
                    masters as they built Fuckland from
                    the ground up, masters who never
                    paid them so much as a fucking
                    dime. But when all was said and
                    done, even though many men were
                    sacrificed and sometimes whole
                    cities were obliterated, Fuckland
                    remained, shining like a beacon of
                    hope to even the most downtrodden
                    of motherfuckers.

                    But, although Fuckland has braved
                    more than its share of shitstorms
                    throughout the ages, the Fuckland
                    legacy has and will continue. Why?
                    Because Fuckland soil has never
                    been known to bear dickscratchers
                    and pussyfooters; no, it bears
                    cock-knockers and cunt-bumpers.
                    When I was a little boy, I asked my
                    mother, God rest her soul, if God
                    knows that Fuckland exists. She
                    looked at me with a gleam in her
                    and said, "Of course he does. He's
                    teabagging us right now." So,
                    remember, fellow citizens. When
                    times are grim and things seem
                    uncertain, take comfort in knowing
                    that the Lord will always have a
                    place under his Heavenly ballsack,
                    for Fuckland. Thank you, and good
                    night.

          END.

REUNION

2009-09-08T04:44:00.000-07:00

          INT. COCKPIT-DAY

          CAPTAIN speaks into the PA.

                              CAPTAIN
                    ...right now the temperature in
                    Tucson is a comfortable 71
                    degrees.   We should be arriving
                    there at about 09:00 hours.   Oh,
                    and if any of you happen to be my
                    biological father, I just want to
                    say I forgive you, daddy, for
                    leaving me and my mother when I was
                    a baby, and please feel free to
                    approach the cockpit so we can
                    enjoy whatever time we have left
                    together.   This is your captain
                    speaking.

                              CO-CAPTAIN
                    Wow.

                              CAPTAIN
                    Pardon?

                              CO-CAPTAIN
                    Do you do that every time you fly a
                    plane?

                              CAPTAIN
                    Oh, yeah.   People like to know the
                    temperature of where they're--

                              CO-CAPTAIN
                    No, not that.   The father thing.

                              CAPTAIN
                    Oh, yeah.   That's just something I
                    do.   The odds of it ever yielding
                    any kind of--

          ENTER OLD MAN.

                              OLD MAN
                    Son!!!

                              CAPTAIN
                    Dad!

          CUE MONTAGE

          SONG: CELINE DION - "BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME"

          In slow motion, CAPTAIN gets out of his seat and embraces
          the OLD MAN.   They hug tearfully.
          dissolve to:

          INT. COCKPIT-DAY

          CO-CAPTAIN is flying plane, and looking slightly annoyed
          while CAPTAIN and OLD MAN play catch with a football.
          dissolve to:

          INT. COCKPIT-DAY

          OLD MAN is teaching CAPTAIN how to ride bike.   CAPTAIN keeps
          falling and getting frustrated with himself.
          dissolve to:

          INT. COCKPIT-DAY

          CAPTAIN is saying something into the PA.   He looks over at
          something and visibly mouths the words "OH MY GOD!"   It is
          the OLD MAN surprising him with a puppy. CAPTAIN throws
          receiver down and hugs the puppy.
          dissolve to:

          INT. COCKPIT-DAY

          FADE OUT MUSIC.

                              CAPTAIN
                    Be right back, Dad.   I gotta a take
                    a leak.

          CAPTAIN leaves.

                              CO-CAPTAIN
                    Sir, congratulations on re-uniting
                    with your son!

                              OLD MAN
                    Thank you, boy.   I'm just glad
                    there's still time to make things
                    right.

                              CO-CAPTAIN
                    Yeah.   Oh, by the way, we should be
                    landing soon, so you may want to
                    return to your cabin so we can--

                              OLD MAN
                    Are you trying to come between me
                    and my boy?

                              CO-CAPTAIN
                    What?   No, I just--

          OLD MAN lunges at CO-CAPTAIN and strangles him.   The two
          struggle as the plane rocks back and forth.   CAPTAIN
          returns.

                              CAPTAIN
                    What's going on here?

                              OLD MAN
                         (pointing to CO-CAPTAIN)
                    He's trying to come between us!

                              CAPTAIN
                    What?

          CAPTAIN lunges at CO-CAPTAIN and strangles him.   CO-CAPTAIN
          dies.   CAPTAIN and OLD MAN look at one another.

          CUE LAST LINE OF "BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME."

          The CAPTAIN and OLD MAN hug each other.

          CUT TO:

          EXT. PLANE-DAY

          The plane crashes into a mountain and explodes.

          END.

THE COMEBACK KING

2009-09-07T06:10:00.000-07:00

          EXT. CARNIVAL - DAY

          DAVIS and RICH arrive outside tent.

                              DAVIS
                    Who is this guy again?

                              RICH
                    They call him the Comeback King.
                    How it works is, you insult him,
                    and then he insults you back! My
                    friend Gabe says he's hilarious!

                              BARKER
                    Step right up! Step right up! Who
                    dares approach the royal court of
                    the Comeback King of New Jersey!
                    Get zinged within an inch of your
                    life! Are you strong enough to
                    withstand his razor-sharp wit?

          DAVIS and RICH hand the BARKER tickets.

                              BARKER (CONT'D)
                    Thank you, gentlemen. Okay, the
                    deal is simple. Hurl an insult at
                    the Comeback King, and he will
                    retort tenfold immediately with a
                    exhibition of mental and verbal
                    dexteritism that would send even
                    the most seasoned friar's club
                    comic into a psychological tailspin
                    of humiliation and defeat.

                              DAVIS
                    Let's do it!

          BARKER escorts them in. He speaks into a mic.

                              BARKER
                    Hear ye, hear ye. All rise for the
                    venerable Comeback King of East
                    Orange, NJ.

          BARKER waits for everyone to rise. They already are. He
          presses play on a CD player. Majestic music plays.

          THE COMEBACK KING enters. He is a mild mannered fellow, wearing a majestic robe and crown.

                              BARKER
                    Gentlemen, you may begin.

                              DAVIS
                    I'll go first. Hey, Comeback
                    King. Is that your face or did
                    your neck throw up?

                              COMEBACK KING
                    No, YOUR neck threw up! You're
                    ugly! BOOM!

          BARKER hits gong.

                              BARKER
                    Hear ye, hear ye! Man zinged by
                    Comeback King Lives to Tell The
                    Tale! Film at eleven!

                              DAVIS
                    Wait, what?

                              RICH
                    Uh, that sucked.

                              BARKER
                    Protest all ye want, royal
                    townsfolk. There are no refunds
                    for battered egos or bruised
                    feelings. Who's next?

                              RICH
                    Watch this. Hey Comeback King, why
                    don't you get a REAL job?

                              COMEBACK KING
                    Newsflash: This IS a real job!
                    I've got the tax returns to prove
                    it! BOOYAH!

          BARKER hits a gong.

                              BARKER
                    Gentleman, the royal first aid kit
                    is to your left, in case ye seek
                    post-diss medical attention!

                              DAVIS
                    I gotta admit, man. He got you
                    pretty good that time.

                              RICH
                    What the hell are you talking
                    about? No he didn't!

                              DAVIS
                    It's cool, I'll avenge you. Hey
                    Comeback King, your mom's like the
                    town bicycle! Everybody gets a
                    ride!

                              COMEBACK KING
                    (completely serious) Dude, why would you talk that way about
                    my mom?

          BARKER hits a gong.

                              BARKER
                    Oh Comeback King, make it hurt so
                    good! Sometimes being zinged don't
                    feel like it should! (Hurt so
                    good!)

                              RICH
                    Okay, can we have our money back?

                              BARKER
                    What's the matter, gentlefolk?
                    Wanna make friends with the octopus
                    but can't stand being slapped
                    around a little by its royal testicles?

                               RICH
                    I think you mean tentacles.

                               BARKER
                     No, I mean testicles.

                              DAVIS
                    The problem is, this is powerfully lame.

                              BARKER
                    Oh really? Oh is that royally so?
                    Hey Comeback King, these two say
                    that you're lame. What do you have
                    to say about that?

                              COMEBACK KING
                    Maybe I am lame! But I'd rather be
                    lame... than disrespectful! HEY-O!

          BARKER hits gong.

                              BARKER
                    OH! Hello! I'd consider an identity change if I
                    were you, because you two are NEVER
                    going to live that one down!

                              RICH
                    What are you talking about? There's
                    no one else even here.

                              BARKER
                    I meant among the 4 of us.

                              DAVIS
                    We're out of here.

                              BARKER
                    Farewell, Gentlemen. And try not
                    to go to sleep, just in case you
                    have a ZING-CUSSION!

          RICH and DAVIS leave.

                              BARKER
                    What a couple a jerks, eh Comeback
                    King?

                              COMEBACK KING
                    "A couple a jerks!" Hey, that's
                    not bad at all. Can I use that?

                              BARKER
                    It's all yours, baby.

          END.

          alt ending:

          RICH and DAVIS leave.

                              COMEBACK KING
                    So, how much did we make this time?

                              BARKER
                    6 each.

                              COMEBACK KING
                    all right! Hey wait a minute, we
                    can't pay rent with these! These
                    are carnival tickets!

                              BARKER
                    Ah! Foiled again!

          END.