EXT. PORCH--DAY
Three guys—STEVIE, JACKIE, AND FRANKIE—are drinking beers.
STEVIE
I don’t care how cold it is out, I don’t care what day of September it is. In my book: summer ain’t over.
JACKIE
Oh are you kiddin’? Summer ain’t over by a long shot. No, no, no, you know how we know when summer’s over?
STEVIE
How?
JACKIE
When Frankie puts on that sweater, that’s how.
CUT TO: Huge orange sweater lying on the other end of the porch.
STEVIE
Damn straight.
STEVIE and JACKIE drink their beers.
We hear a gust of wind. FRANKIE folds his arms and begins rocking his seat.
JACKIE
Hey, what are you doin’, Frankie?
STEVIE
Yeah, Frankie, what’s goin’ on?
FRANKIE looks around, and then gets up.
JACKIE
Frankie, you better not be doin’ what I think you’re doin’.
STEVIE
Frankie…stay away from that sweater, Frankie.
STEVIE and JACKIE corner FRANKIE. After a beat, FRANKIE decides to sit back down.
STEVIE and JACKIE return to their seats. Then, FRANKIE dives across the porch to his sweater. STEVIE and JACKIE tackle FRANKIE.
JACKIE
Don’t you dare put that sweater on, you son of a bitch!
STEVIE
We already bought charcoal for tomorrow’s barbecue!
FRANKIE manages to put on the sweater.
JACKIE
Fuck! Fuuuck!
STEVIE
Son of a BITCH, Frankie!
FRANKIE gets up, dusts himself off, walks back to his seat, sits down, and re-folds arms. STEVIE and JACKIE get up.
JACKIE
Well, summer’s over.
STEVIE
Thanks a lot Frankie.
JACKIE
Yeah, thanks a lot, Dipwad.
END.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
ALVIN
INT. TEMP AGENCY OFFICE-DAY
ALVIN, a guy in his mid-twenties, sits waiting for an interview with a recruiter to begin. MONICA, the recruiter, enters. Alvin stands to greet her. She shakes Alvin’s hand.
MONICA
Hi there. Monica Bradley. You must be… Alvin?
ALVIN
Yep, that’s right! Alvin! I’m Alvin.
MONICA sits down.
MONICA
Okay, fantastic, Alvin. Please, have a seat.
ALVIN SITS.
MONICA
All right, now before we get started, I just want you to know that a) we are a temp-only firm, so if you’re looking for something—
ALVIN
My name’s Alvin.
MONICA
Yes, yes it is. (AWKWARD BEAT) So if you’re looking for something permanent we probably won’t be able to assist you in that arena.
ALVIN
That’s fine.
MONICA
Okay, now do you have a copy of your resume I can look at?
ALVIN
Yes, of course!
Alvin hands her his resume.
MONICA
Umm, this is just a piece of paper with the words “I’M ALVIN” printed on it in extremely large letters.
ALVIN
Yep, I’m Alvin all right.
MONICA
Yes, I, er, I know you’re Alvin. You’ve said it at least 5 times since the interview began. Let me put it this way, do you have a piece of paper outlining your work experience?
ALVIN
Yep, you’re looking at it! If you think being Alvin is always easy, it’s not!
MONICA
Of course not.
MONICA picks up the phone.
MONICA
Sheila, after you get back from lunch, we need to have a talk about that screening process of yours. Okay, thanks.
MONICA hangs up.
MONICA
(under breath) Bitch. (to ALVIN) All right, how about the application? Surely you must have filled out the application before you got to me.
ALVIN
Sure did.
MONICA
OK, under skills you list, “Being Alvin, “I’m Alvin,” and then, unless I’m missing something, skill number three just says “Alvin” with three exclamation points.
ALVIN
Nope, you’re not missing anything.
MONICA
(sighs) Do you have any computer skills?
ALVIN
I know Microsoft Word!
MONICA
Oh, well that’s something! Do you know how to do a mail merge?
ALVIN
No.
MONICA
Do you know how to create a macro?
ALVIN
No.
MONICA
Do you know how to copy and paste a spreadsheet within a word document?
ALVIN
No.
MONICA
Do you know how to copy and paste at all?
ALVIN
No.
MONICA
Do you know how to do anything in Microsoft Word except type your name?
ALVIN
…No.
MONICA
Listen, Mr.—um…
ALVIN
Alvin!
MONICA
Mr. Alvin, you have no discernable skills that an employer would want. I don’t know how I, as a staffer, am supposed to market you to, frankly, anyone.
ALVIN
Just tell them I’m Alvin.
MONICA
I’m sorry, Alvin. That’s just not going to work. Come back when you’ve learned how to do something besides be yourself.
Alvin sheds a tear, and then leaves.
Monica’s intercom beeps. She answers it.
MONICA
Hello?
TOM
(intercom)
Hi Monica, we have a big client on the line. Apparently they need someone named Alvin who only knows how to type his name into Microsoft Word.
BEAT.
MONICA
(to no one in particular)
Well now it looks like it is I who am the fool.
END.
ALVIN, a guy in his mid-twenties, sits waiting for an interview with a recruiter to begin. MONICA, the recruiter, enters. Alvin stands to greet her. She shakes Alvin’s hand.
MONICA
Hi there. Monica Bradley. You must be… Alvin?
ALVIN
Yep, that’s right! Alvin! I’m Alvin.
MONICA sits down.
MONICA
Okay, fantastic, Alvin. Please, have a seat.
ALVIN SITS.
MONICA
All right, now before we get started, I just want you to know that a) we are a temp-only firm, so if you’re looking for something—
ALVIN
My name’s Alvin.
MONICA
Yes, yes it is. (AWKWARD BEAT) So if you’re looking for something permanent we probably won’t be able to assist you in that arena.
ALVIN
That’s fine.
MONICA
Okay, now do you have a copy of your resume I can look at?
ALVIN
Yes, of course!
Alvin hands her his resume.
MONICA
Umm, this is just a piece of paper with the words “I’M ALVIN” printed on it in extremely large letters.
ALVIN
Yep, I’m Alvin all right.
MONICA
Yes, I, er, I know you’re Alvin. You’ve said it at least 5 times since the interview began. Let me put it this way, do you have a piece of paper outlining your work experience?
ALVIN
Yep, you’re looking at it! If you think being Alvin is always easy, it’s not!
MONICA
Of course not.
MONICA picks up the phone.
MONICA
Sheila, after you get back from lunch, we need to have a talk about that screening process of yours. Okay, thanks.
MONICA hangs up.
MONICA
(under breath) Bitch. (to ALVIN) All right, how about the application? Surely you must have filled out the application before you got to me.
ALVIN
Sure did.
MONICA
OK, under skills you list, “Being Alvin, “I’m Alvin,” and then, unless I’m missing something, skill number three just says “Alvin” with three exclamation points.
ALVIN
Nope, you’re not missing anything.
MONICA
(sighs) Do you have any computer skills?
ALVIN
I know Microsoft Word!
MONICA
Oh, well that’s something! Do you know how to do a mail merge?
ALVIN
No.
MONICA
Do you know how to create a macro?
ALVIN
No.
MONICA
Do you know how to copy and paste a spreadsheet within a word document?
ALVIN
No.
MONICA
Do you know how to copy and paste at all?
ALVIN
No.
MONICA
Do you know how to do anything in Microsoft Word except type your name?
ALVIN
…No.
MONICA
Listen, Mr.—um…
ALVIN
Alvin!
MONICA
Mr. Alvin, you have no discernable skills that an employer would want. I don’t know how I, as a staffer, am supposed to market you to, frankly, anyone.
ALVIN
Just tell them I’m Alvin.
MONICA
I’m sorry, Alvin. That’s just not going to work. Come back when you’ve learned how to do something besides be yourself.
Alvin sheds a tear, and then leaves.
Monica’s intercom beeps. She answers it.
MONICA
Hello?
TOM
(intercom)
Hi Monica, we have a big client on the line. Apparently they need someone named Alvin who only knows how to type his name into Microsoft Word.
BEAT.
MONICA
(to no one in particular)
Well now it looks like it is I who am the fool.
END.
GOV'T MULE
INT. MATT'S APARTMENT-DAY
MATT is at his computer writing a crappy, ill-thought-out
sketch. BECKY is on the couch, reading a book.
MATT
Holy shit!!!
BECKY
What? What is it?
MATT
I just got an email from Beacon
Theater. Gov't Mule is going to be
there on New Year's Eve! Should I
get tickets?
BECKY
What's Gov't Mule?
MATT
What's Gov't Mule?! It's a band,
obviously!
BECKY
Are they any good?
MATT
Well, I've never listened to them,
but I've heard their name since
high school and their playing NEW
YEAR'S EVE at the BEACON THEATER,
so how bad can they be?
BECKY
Okay. Why not? Let's do it.
MATT and BECKY each jump five feet into the air and high
five.
CUT TO:
INT. BEACON THEATER- NIGHT
MATT picks up the tickets from the box office and hands one
to Becky. They enter the large, crowded auditorium.
MATT
I have a good feeling about this.
The lights dim. Loud rock music plays. The crowd cheers as
a mule slowly wanders onto the stage, wearing a sash that
reads "GOV'T MULE." A roadie throws bits of grass onto the
stage, which the mule grazes on. The crowd goes wild.
MATT
Well... this is kind of cool, huh?
BECKY
You owe me $25.
MATT
NOOOOOOO!!!
MATT becomes so upset that he punches a hole in the floor of
the Beacon Theater auditorium.
BECKY
Come on, let's get out of here
before anyone notices that you've
punched a hole in the floor of the
Beacon Theater auditorium.
MATT
Wait, I kinda want to see what the
Mule does next.
Matt and Becky continue to watch The Government Mule graze.
END.
MATT is at his computer writing a crappy, ill-thought-out
sketch. BECKY is on the couch, reading a book.
MATT
Holy shit!!!
BECKY
What? What is it?
MATT
I just got an email from Beacon
Theater. Gov't Mule is going to be
there on New Year's Eve! Should I
get tickets?
BECKY
What's Gov't Mule?
MATT
What's Gov't Mule?! It's a band,
obviously!
BECKY
Are they any good?
MATT
Well, I've never listened to them,
but I've heard their name since
high school and their playing NEW
YEAR'S EVE at the BEACON THEATER,
so how bad can they be?
BECKY
Okay. Why not? Let's do it.
MATT and BECKY each jump five feet into the air and high
five.
CUT TO:
INT. BEACON THEATER- NIGHT
MATT picks up the tickets from the box office and hands one
to Becky. They enter the large, crowded auditorium.
MATT
I have a good feeling about this.
The lights dim. Loud rock music plays. The crowd cheers as
a mule slowly wanders onto the stage, wearing a sash that
reads "GOV'T MULE." A roadie throws bits of grass onto the
stage, which the mule grazes on. The crowd goes wild.
MATT
Well... this is kind of cool, huh?
BECKY
You owe me $25.
MATT
NOOOOOOO!!!
MATT becomes so upset that he punches a hole in the floor of
the Beacon Theater auditorium.
BECKY
Come on, let's get out of here
before anyone notices that you've
punched a hole in the floor of the
Beacon Theater auditorium.
MATT
Wait, I kinda want to see what the
Mule does next.
Matt and Becky continue to watch The Government Mule graze.
END.
DOCTOR SKETCH
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY
Doctor sits down to talk with a couple, BRAD and SANDRA.
DOCTOR
Well, I have some good news and
some not-so-good news. I'll start
with the good news. The good news
is, your baby is a beautiful
healthy baby boy.
Couple looks relieved.
DOCTOR
The bad news is, odds are the
pregnancy isn't going to end well.
SANDRA
What?
BRAD
What's the matter? Is Sandra going
to be okay?
DOCTOR
Oh yes, the actual birthing process
should be right as rain. It's the
after that I'm concerned about.
I've done some calculations, and
this child has a very low chance of
turning out, well, okay.
BRAD and SANDRA look at each other, confused.
DOCTOR (CONT')
Well, for the first 40 years,
everything should seem normal.
Your child will get good grades, be
more or less well-liked at school,
get into a good liberal arts
college, meet the girl he's
eventually going to marry, graduate
suma cum laude, get his MA in
Marketing from Hofstra University
while working as a freelance web
designer for an audio equipment
company, move to Worchester, MA and
start a family. Then, just two
days after his youngest child,
Melissa Rose, celebrates her 1st
birthday, your child will be eating
dinner and he'll catch a glimpse of
his own reflection in the gravy
covering his Oreida mashed
potatoes, and he won't recognize
himself. Sallow cheekbones, crow's
feet, in those potatoes he'll see
the reflection of a man who lived a
life filled with compromises, a
life trying to please others
instead of ever asking what he
himself truly wanted.
SANDRA
What DID he want?
DOCTOR
To tour the country in a Grateful
Dead cover band. No more, no less.
Sure, after that moment, he'll quit
his cushy job down at the market
research firm, start playing
Grateful Dead around the house
24/7, and try to teach his family
how to play musical instruments so
they can tour the country with
him. But it's not going to work.
BRAD
why not?
DOCTOR
Have YOU ever tried teaching a baby
how to play drums?
BRAD
I guess not, no...
DOCTOR
i didn't think so. After that,
he'll get a job at a local Best Buy
as part of the Geek Squad, where
he'll spend the rest of his life
until 5 years later, when he's
fatally injured in the stock room
by a particularly large Sony Bravia
LCD television. I'm sorry.
SANDRA
Oh God, that sounds horrible. Is
there anything we can do?
DOCTOR
Well, there is one thing that might
work.
DOCTOR pulls what looks to be a CD box set out of his desk
drawer. He walks around to the front of the desk and shows
it to the family. It is a Barry Manilow box set.
DOCTOR
Manilow. Lots and lots of Manilow.
END.
Doctor sits down to talk with a couple, BRAD and SANDRA.
DOCTOR
Well, I have some good news and
some not-so-good news. I'll start
with the good news. The good news
is, your baby is a beautiful
healthy baby boy.
Couple looks relieved.
DOCTOR
The bad news is, odds are the
pregnancy isn't going to end well.
SANDRA
What?
BRAD
What's the matter? Is Sandra going
to be okay?
DOCTOR
Oh yes, the actual birthing process
should be right as rain. It's the
after that I'm concerned about.
I've done some calculations, and
this child has a very low chance of
turning out, well, okay.
BRAD and SANDRA look at each other, confused.
DOCTOR (CONT')
Well, for the first 40 years,
everything should seem normal.
Your child will get good grades, be
more or less well-liked at school,
get into a good liberal arts
college, meet the girl he's
eventually going to marry, graduate
suma cum laude, get his MA in
Marketing from Hofstra University
while working as a freelance web
designer for an audio equipment
company, move to Worchester, MA and
start a family. Then, just two
days after his youngest child,
Melissa Rose, celebrates her 1st
birthday, your child will be eating
dinner and he'll catch a glimpse of
his own reflection in the gravy
covering his Oreida mashed
potatoes, and he won't recognize
himself. Sallow cheekbones, crow's
feet, in those potatoes he'll see
the reflection of a man who lived a
life filled with compromises, a
life trying to please others
instead of ever asking what he
himself truly wanted.
SANDRA
What DID he want?
DOCTOR
To tour the country in a Grateful
Dead cover band. No more, no less.
Sure, after that moment, he'll quit
his cushy job down at the market
research firm, start playing
Grateful Dead around the house
24/7, and try to teach his family
how to play musical instruments so
they can tour the country with
him. But it's not going to work.
BRAD
why not?
DOCTOR
Have YOU ever tried teaching a baby
how to play drums?
BRAD
I guess not, no...
DOCTOR
i didn't think so. After that,
he'll get a job at a local Best Buy
as part of the Geek Squad, where
he'll spend the rest of his life
until 5 years later, when he's
fatally injured in the stock room
by a particularly large Sony Bravia
LCD television. I'm sorry.
SANDRA
Oh God, that sounds horrible. Is
there anything we can do?
DOCTOR
Well, there is one thing that might
work.
DOCTOR pulls what looks to be a CD box set out of his desk
drawer. He walks around to the front of the desk and shows
it to the family. It is a Barry Manilow box set.
DOCTOR
Manilow. Lots and lots of Manilow.
END.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
DENTAL SKETCH
INT. DENTIST'S OFFICE- DAY
BOB IS IN THE DENTIST CHAIR. THE DENTIST IS CHECKING BOB'S
TEETH WHILE THE HYGIENIST LOOKS ON.
DENTIST
Okay, yeah, you're right, Beverly.
I'm seeing a lot of irritation in
the gums. And... 4 cavities.
HYGIENIST WRITES "4" DOWN.
DENTIST
Mr. Stewart, I know I've said this
before, but it's time to start
taking better care of your teeth.
BOB
I know, I keep meaning to. I guess
I really let you guys down, huh?
DENTIST
Well, sort of. I mean, they're your
teeth.
BOB
Yeah but you guys were really
counting on me to change my ways
since the last appointment and I
didn't. Oh I feel like the biggest
jerk in the world!
DENTIST
Well, I don't think there's any use
in feeling like a jerk...
BOB
Oh but you guys are always so nice
to me. Every time I come in here
you clean my teeth and check to
make sure everything's okay.
HYGIENIST
Well, yes, but that's our job...
BOB
And if that weren't enough, you
don't even ask for anything in
return!
DENTIST
That's because your dental plan
covers the entire premium. We--
BOB
You guys are like modern day
saints, and how do I repay your
kindness? By eating 6 spoonfuls of
candy corn every night before I go
to sleep, when I should be
remembering to brush and floss!
HYGIENIST
Candy corn. I thought they only
made that stuff around Halloween.
DENTIST
And why do you eat it with a spoon?
BOB
Oh I'm a moron, a dope, a first
class, top o' the line stooge! I
don't deserve friends like you!
HYGIENIST
Uh, we're not your friends...
BOB
Sure, you guys are. You guys are
the best friends I have. You guys
are my best friends in the whole
wide world! Aren't you?
DENTIST
Um, of course we are. What, er,
Beverly means to say is, we can
continue to be friends with someone
who takes so little care of their
teeth. Right, Beverly?
HYGIENIST
Uh, right...
BOB
Okay. I can see that. Hey, I'll
tell you what, from this day forth,
I'm going to brush AND floss
between my teeth three times a day.
DENTIST
Attaboy! Now there's a fella I
want to be friends with!
BOB
Hey, that reminds me. I'm having a
dinner party this Thursday. Would
you two like to come?
HYGIENIST looks at DENTIST.
DENTIST
Of course! We'll be there. What do
we bring?
HYGIENIST grabs DENTIST'S arm.
HYGIENIST
(to BOB)
Excuse us a second.
HYGIENIST pulls DENTIST out into the HALLWAY.
HYGIENIST
What the hell are you doing?
DENTIST
That man's dental health is at
stake! If he needs to believe we're
his BFF to steer himself off the
course of mouth-related disease and
catastrophe, then it's OUR JOB TO
BE HIS BFF.
HYGIENIST
This is ridiculous. I'm not doing
this.
DENTIST
Fine, do as you wish. BUT I TOOK AN
OATH, GODDAMN IT!
DENTIST walks back into room.
CUE MONTAGE TO YOUNG RASCALS' "GOOD LOVIN'"
CUT TO:
-BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST PLAYING VOLLEYBALL
-BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST EATING ICE CREAM CONES IN THE
PARK
-BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST PLAYING TWISTER IN A BASEMENT
-BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST FLYING A KITE IN THE PARK
-BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST PLAYING FOOTBALL. DENTIST TELLS
BOB TO GO LONG. BOB RUNS OUT INTO THE STREET. HE GETS HIT BY
TRUCK. MUSIC STOPS DENTIST AND HYGIENIST'S MOUTHS ARE
AGAPE.
HYGIENIST
Holy crap.
DENTIST
Wow...I was actually starting to
like the guy.
HYGIENIST
Me too.
TRUCKDRIVER
Guys, I am so sorry. I think I may
have killed your friend.
DENTIST
Oh, it's okay.
HYGIENIST
Yeah, he wasn't even really our
friend.
TRUCKDRIVER
Guys, I appreciate you trying to
make me feel better, but I feel
terrible. Hey, I have an idea.
I'm having a dinner party on
Thursday, maybe you guys would like
to come.
DENTIST AND HYGIENIST look at the camera.
HYGIENIST AND DENTIST
NOOOOOO!!!!
TRUCKDRIVER looks in the direction their looking.
TRUCKDRIVER
Who are you guys talking to?
END.
BOB IS IN THE DENTIST CHAIR. THE DENTIST IS CHECKING BOB'S
TEETH WHILE THE HYGIENIST LOOKS ON.
DENTIST
Okay, yeah, you're right, Beverly.
I'm seeing a lot of irritation in
the gums. And... 4 cavities.
HYGIENIST WRITES "4" DOWN.
DENTIST
Mr. Stewart, I know I've said this
before, but it's time to start
taking better care of your teeth.
BOB
I know, I keep meaning to. I guess
I really let you guys down, huh?
DENTIST
Well, sort of. I mean, they're your
teeth.
BOB
Yeah but you guys were really
counting on me to change my ways
since the last appointment and I
didn't. Oh I feel like the biggest
jerk in the world!
DENTIST
Well, I don't think there's any use
in feeling like a jerk...
BOB
Oh but you guys are always so nice
to me. Every time I come in here
you clean my teeth and check to
make sure everything's okay.
HYGIENIST
Well, yes, but that's our job...
BOB
And if that weren't enough, you
don't even ask for anything in
return!
DENTIST
That's because your dental plan
covers the entire premium. We--
BOB
You guys are like modern day
saints, and how do I repay your
kindness? By eating 6 spoonfuls of
candy corn every night before I go
to sleep, when I should be
remembering to brush and floss!
HYGIENIST
Candy corn. I thought they only
made that stuff around Halloween.
DENTIST
And why do you eat it with a spoon?
BOB
Oh I'm a moron, a dope, a first
class, top o' the line stooge! I
don't deserve friends like you!
HYGIENIST
Uh, we're not your friends...
BOB
Sure, you guys are. You guys are
the best friends I have. You guys
are my best friends in the whole
wide world! Aren't you?
DENTIST
Um, of course we are. What, er,
Beverly means to say is, we can
continue to be friends with someone
who takes so little care of their
teeth. Right, Beverly?
HYGIENIST
Uh, right...
BOB
Okay. I can see that. Hey, I'll
tell you what, from this day forth,
I'm going to brush AND floss
between my teeth three times a day.
DENTIST
Attaboy! Now there's a fella I
want to be friends with!
BOB
Hey, that reminds me. I'm having a
dinner party this Thursday. Would
you two like to come?
HYGIENIST looks at DENTIST.
DENTIST
Of course! We'll be there. What do
we bring?
HYGIENIST grabs DENTIST'S arm.
HYGIENIST
(to BOB)
Excuse us a second.
HYGIENIST pulls DENTIST out into the HALLWAY.
HYGIENIST
What the hell are you doing?
DENTIST
That man's dental health is at
stake! If he needs to believe we're
his BFF to steer himself off the
course of mouth-related disease and
catastrophe, then it's OUR JOB TO
BE HIS BFF.
HYGIENIST
This is ridiculous. I'm not doing
this.
DENTIST
Fine, do as you wish. BUT I TOOK AN
OATH, GODDAMN IT!
DENTIST walks back into room.
CUE MONTAGE TO YOUNG RASCALS' "GOOD LOVIN'"
CUT TO:
-BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST PLAYING VOLLEYBALL
-BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST EATING ICE CREAM CONES IN THE
PARK
-BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST PLAYING TWISTER IN A BASEMENT
-BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST FLYING A KITE IN THE PARK
-BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST PLAYING FOOTBALL. DENTIST TELLS
BOB TO GO LONG. BOB RUNS OUT INTO THE STREET. HE GETS HIT BY
TRUCK. MUSIC STOPS DENTIST AND HYGIENIST'S MOUTHS ARE
AGAPE.
HYGIENIST
Holy crap.
DENTIST
Wow...I was actually starting to
like the guy.
HYGIENIST
Me too.
TRUCKDRIVER
Guys, I am so sorry. I think I may
have killed your friend.
DENTIST
Oh, it's okay.
HYGIENIST
Yeah, he wasn't even really our
friend.
TRUCKDRIVER
Guys, I appreciate you trying to
make me feel better, but I feel
terrible. Hey, I have an idea.
I'm having a dinner party on
Thursday, maybe you guys would like
to come.
DENTIST AND HYGIENIST look at the camera.
HYGIENIST AND DENTIST
NOOOOOO!!!!
TRUCKDRIVER looks in the direction their looking.
TRUCKDRIVER
Who are you guys talking to?
END.
JUKEBOX
INT. BAR - NIGHT
BILL walks up to JUKEBOX. He searches for the slot to put
money in. He goes over to the bar.
BILL
Excuse me, how does the jukebox
work? I don't see a money slot...
BARTENDER
Oh, that jukebox doesn't take
money.
BILL
Then how do you get it to work?
BARTENDER
Oh, you have to make five minutes
of conversation with my
brother-in-law Joe.
BILL turns his head and sees Joe sitting on a stool in the
corner next to the jukebox. Joe is a burly man in a parka,
baseball cap, and sunglasses. He chews gum incessantly.
BILL
Ummm, can't I just give you money?
I'm kind of in the middle of a
date.
BARTENDER
Sorry, wish I could. Wife's
orders. Joe doesn't leave the
house much so this is her way of
getting him out of his shell and
meeting people. Here, I'll start
to the timer now.
Bill sighs, and walks over to Joe.
BILL
Hey, Joe. How's it going? My name's
Bill.
JOE
You like sportscars?
BILL
Uh, they're all right.
JOE
What's your favorite sportscar?
BILL
Umm, corvette I guess--
JOE
How tall are you?
BILL
5'10". How tall are you?
JOE
Anh, it's not important. When's ya
birthday?
BILL
October 6th.
JOE
Anh, sorry to hear that.
BILL
Wait, what does that mean--
JOE
You play pool?
BILL
Sometimes.
JOE
I used to play all the time but the
doctor told me to stop after I
suffered a contusion on my left
elbow.
BILL
Sorry to hear that.
JOE
Ah, it's fine. It was probably for
the best. I never found sleeping
on pool tables that comfortable to
begin with--
BILL
Wait, why would you have to sleep
on pool t--
JOE
Ever go fishing?
BILL
Yeah, once. What's with all the
questions?
JOE
Catch anything?
BILL
No.
JOE
Congratulations.
BILL
I said NO.
JOE
What's your mother's maiden name?
BILL
What? Why are you asking me that?
I don't have to tell you that.
JOE
Fair enough, guess we can sit here
in awkward silence for the rest of
the allotted time.
BEAT.
BILL
(to bartender)
Hey, how much more time do I have
left?
BARTENDER
4 and a half minutes.
BILL
Jesus Christ.
PAUSE.
BILL
Diamond. My mother's maiden name is
Diamond.
JOE
What's your favorite juice drink?
BILL
I don't know... Sunny Delight?
What's YOUR favorite juice drink?
JOE
What's your favorite section of the
Sunday edition of the New York
Times?
BILL
I don't know. The crossword puzzle
I guess? What is with all these
questions?
JOE
A waitress in a restaurant makes an
error in your favor. Do you tell
her, or pretend like nothing is
wrong?
BILL
I'd probably pretend like nothing
is wrong. Why, wouldn't you?
JOE
What's your shoe size?
BILL
You know what, screw this! Forget
the stinkin' song! (to DATE)
Karen, gather your things. We're
going to another bar.
JOE
You're going to die on December 27,
2031 in a motel just outside
Reading, Pennsylvania.
BILL
What did you just say?
BARTENDER
Hey Joe, Karen's outside to drive
you home.
JOE
Right-o.
JOE hops off the barstool and begins to leave.
BILL
Hey, hey wait. Come back here!
Bill grabs Joe. The bartender holds Bill back. Joe leaves.
BARTENDER
Hey, hey easy pal, the
conversation's over.
BILL
But, but he said I am going to die
on December 27, 2031 in a motel
outside Reading, Pennsylvania.
BARTENDER
Yeah, of course he did.
BILL
What do you mean "of course he
did"?
BARTENDER
Haven't you seen today's paper?
BARTENDER holds up newspaper. There is a picture of BILL and
a CRAZED MURDERER. Headline reads, "CRAZED KILLER VOWS TO
MURDER 5'10" SUNNY-D DRINKING CORVETTE ENTHUSIAST ON
DECEMBER 7TH, 2031 IN MOTEL OUTSIDE READING, PA."
BILL
Oh. Well I guess it all makes
sense after all!
END.
BILL walks up to JUKEBOX. He searches for the slot to put
money in. He goes over to the bar.
BILL
Excuse me, how does the jukebox
work? I don't see a money slot...
BARTENDER
Oh, that jukebox doesn't take
money.
BILL
Then how do you get it to work?
BARTENDER
Oh, you have to make five minutes
of conversation with my
brother-in-law Joe.
BILL turns his head and sees Joe sitting on a stool in the
corner next to the jukebox. Joe is a burly man in a parka,
baseball cap, and sunglasses. He chews gum incessantly.
BILL
Ummm, can't I just give you money?
I'm kind of in the middle of a
date.
BARTENDER
Sorry, wish I could. Wife's
orders. Joe doesn't leave the
house much so this is her way of
getting him out of his shell and
meeting people. Here, I'll start
to the timer now.
Bill sighs, and walks over to Joe.
BILL
Hey, Joe. How's it going? My name's
Bill.
JOE
You like sportscars?
BILL
Uh, they're all right.
JOE
What's your favorite sportscar?
BILL
Umm, corvette I guess--
JOE
How tall are you?
BILL
5'10". How tall are you?
JOE
Anh, it's not important. When's ya
birthday?
BILL
October 6th.
JOE
Anh, sorry to hear that.
BILL
Wait, what does that mean--
JOE
You play pool?
BILL
Sometimes.
JOE
I used to play all the time but the
doctor told me to stop after I
suffered a contusion on my left
elbow.
BILL
Sorry to hear that.
JOE
Ah, it's fine. It was probably for
the best. I never found sleeping
on pool tables that comfortable to
begin with--
BILL
Wait, why would you have to sleep
on pool t--
JOE
Ever go fishing?
BILL
Yeah, once. What's with all the
questions?
JOE
Catch anything?
BILL
No.
JOE
Congratulations.
BILL
I said NO.
JOE
What's your mother's maiden name?
BILL
What? Why are you asking me that?
I don't have to tell you that.
JOE
Fair enough, guess we can sit here
in awkward silence for the rest of
the allotted time.
BEAT.
BILL
(to bartender)
Hey, how much more time do I have
left?
BARTENDER
4 and a half minutes.
BILL
Jesus Christ.
PAUSE.
BILL
Diamond. My mother's maiden name is
Diamond.
JOE
What's your favorite juice drink?
BILL
I don't know... Sunny Delight?
What's YOUR favorite juice drink?
JOE
What's your favorite section of the
Sunday edition of the New York
Times?
BILL
I don't know. The crossword puzzle
I guess? What is with all these
questions?
JOE
A waitress in a restaurant makes an
error in your favor. Do you tell
her, or pretend like nothing is
wrong?
BILL
I'd probably pretend like nothing
is wrong. Why, wouldn't you?
JOE
What's your shoe size?
BILL
You know what, screw this! Forget
the stinkin' song! (to DATE)
Karen, gather your things. We're
going to another bar.
JOE
You're going to die on December 27,
2031 in a motel just outside
Reading, Pennsylvania.
BILL
What did you just say?
BARTENDER
Hey Joe, Karen's outside to drive
you home.
JOE
Right-o.
JOE hops off the barstool and begins to leave.
BILL
Hey, hey wait. Come back here!
Bill grabs Joe. The bartender holds Bill back. Joe leaves.
BARTENDER
Hey, hey easy pal, the
conversation's over.
BILL
But, but he said I am going to die
on December 27, 2031 in a motel
outside Reading, Pennsylvania.
BARTENDER
Yeah, of course he did.
BILL
What do you mean "of course he
did"?
BARTENDER
Haven't you seen today's paper?
BARTENDER holds up newspaper. There is a picture of BILL and
a CRAZED MURDERER. Headline reads, "CRAZED KILLER VOWS TO
MURDER 5'10" SUNNY-D DRINKING CORVETTE ENTHUSIAST ON
DECEMBER 7TH, 2031 IN MOTEL OUTSIDE READING, PA."
BILL
Oh. Well I guess it all makes
sense after all!
END.
Monday, September 28, 2009
LEVEL 1 IMPROV CLASS
INT. REHEARSAL STUDIO
JEN and STEVE do an improv scene set in outer space. ALDOUS, the somewhat effeminate-sounding teacher, looks on.
JEN
(alien voice)
AND THAT IS THE STORY OF HOW WE BECAME INHABITANTS OF THE PLANET GORGON. ZOLA.
ALDOUS
And I'm going to stop the scene right there. Good, but I'm going to take a wild guess: You just got out of a 5-year-relationship. You're not sure improv is for you but you want to know that you're at least trying to find yourself, and there's a small hope that your ex -boyfriend, whose name probably begins with a T--Tom, Tim--
JEN
Tyler.
ALDOUS
Right. Tyler will come to an improv show of yours, laugh until he farts, and want to get back together with you.
JEN
I don't know about the farting.
ALDOUS
Well, either way, from my angle, you're wearing your desperation like a feather fucking boa, girlfriend.
JEN
Well, then, what should I do to fix that?
ALDOUS
Short of quitting improv, getting a sassy haircut, and high-tailing it to Europe for a year to find yourself?
JEN
I already did that.
ALDOUS
I'd say listen more. No one goes to an improv theater to see some twenty-somethings with bad skin embark on spiritual journeys. They come to laugh until they fart. Next two. The suggestion is cowpoke.
JEFF and JEN step forward.
JEFF
Well howdy, cowpoke!
ALDOUS
Aaaand I'm going to stop the scene there. Jeff, right?
JEFF nods.
ALDOUS
I'm going to take a wild guess. You were a single parent. You just sent your youngest child off to college, and now you're getting nostalgic for your youth when you used to nurture foolish pipedreams of being an actor before you threw it all away on a woman who your friends hated and ended up leaving you for another man anyway?
JEFF
Sort of... Is there a note here?
ALDOUS
Short of getting in a time machine and telling yourself to start comedy 30 years earlier instead of standing there looking like you decided to sign up for a haha class with your grandkids? Yeah, I'd say listen more. LISTENING IS KEY, EVERYONE. The suggestion is falafel. (under breath) Jesus I could really go for some fucking falafel right now...
STEVE and MIKE step forward.
MIKE
I--
ALDOUS
(to MIKE)
And let's stop the scene. Mike, right?
MIKE
Yeah?
ALDOUS
You're thirty pounds overweight, from a middle class suburban family, and, I'm going to say... a virgin?
MIKE
Yeah?
ALDOUS
Nothing. You're golden. Keep going.
END.
JEN and STEVE do an improv scene set in outer space. ALDOUS, the somewhat effeminate-sounding teacher, looks on.
JEN
(alien voice)
AND THAT IS THE STORY OF HOW WE BECAME INHABITANTS OF THE PLANET GORGON. ZOLA.
ALDOUS
And I'm going to stop the scene right there. Good, but I'm going to take a wild guess: You just got out of a 5-year-relationship. You're not sure improv is for you but you want to know that you're at least trying to find yourself, and there's a small hope that your ex -boyfriend, whose name probably begins with a T--Tom, Tim--
JEN
Tyler.
ALDOUS
Right. Tyler will come to an improv show of yours, laugh until he farts, and want to get back together with you.
JEN
I don't know about the farting.
ALDOUS
Well, either way, from my angle, you're wearing your desperation like a feather fucking boa, girlfriend.
JEN
Well, then, what should I do to fix that?
ALDOUS
Short of quitting improv, getting a sassy haircut, and high-tailing it to Europe for a year to find yourself?
JEN
I already did that.
ALDOUS
I'd say listen more. No one goes to an improv theater to see some twenty-somethings with bad skin embark on spiritual journeys. They come to laugh until they fart. Next two. The suggestion is cowpoke.
JEFF and JEN step forward.
JEFF
Well howdy, cowpoke!
ALDOUS
Aaaand I'm going to stop the scene there. Jeff, right?
JEFF nods.
ALDOUS
I'm going to take a wild guess. You were a single parent. You just sent your youngest child off to college, and now you're getting nostalgic for your youth when you used to nurture foolish pipedreams of being an actor before you threw it all away on a woman who your friends hated and ended up leaving you for another man anyway?
JEFF
Sort of... Is there a note here?
ALDOUS
Short of getting in a time machine and telling yourself to start comedy 30 years earlier instead of standing there looking like you decided to sign up for a haha class with your grandkids? Yeah, I'd say listen more. LISTENING IS KEY, EVERYONE. The suggestion is falafel. (under breath) Jesus I could really go for some fucking falafel right now...
STEVE and MIKE step forward.
MIKE
I--
ALDOUS
(to MIKE)
And let's stop the scene. Mike, right?
MIKE
Yeah?
ALDOUS
You're thirty pounds overweight, from a middle class suburban family, and, I'm going to say... a virgin?
MIKE
Yeah?
ALDOUS
Nothing. You're golden. Keep going.
END.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
THE TOKEN OFFICE SKETCH
I figured there needed to be at least one.
INT. CORPORATE OFFICE-DAY
Mr, Worthington is sitting at his desk, typing. There is a line of dancing chorus girls behind him.
There is a knock at the door.
WORTHINGTON
Come in!
JENKINS enters.
WORTHINGTON
Jenkins, Jenkins, Jenkins, just the man I wanted to see. Jenkins, as you know, you’ve had a long and valuable tenure at this newspaper, one that me and eerybody. (motions to the chorus girls) appreciates. That’s why it’s not without a little difficulty that I’m going to have to let you go.
JENKINS
Let me go? Why? Did I do something wrong?
WORTHINGTON
Oh no no no, heavens no. You did everything right, serving this paper for 15 years with a dedication almost unparalleled in this business. See the thing is, we had our yearly budget meeting last night, and it came down to you… or the girls. I’m speaking softly because I don’t want them to feel like they’re an expendable part of this company.
JENKINS
Sorry, if you’ll forgive me, I’m not sure I understand. Why AREN’T they expendable?
WORTHINGTON
Pardon?
JENKINS
I mean sure, they’re talented and all, but this is a newspaper, and I’m a reporter.
WORTHINGTON
Mmm… I don’t follow.
JENKINS
My point is, all they do is dance.
WORTHINGTON
“All they do is dance”? And I suppose all Tiger Woods does is play golf? And all Meryl Streep does is does is act? And all the Brooklyn Dodgers do is play baseball?
JENKINS
Actually it’s the LA Dodgers.
WORTHINGTON
EXCUSE ME I’M TALKING. Those chorus girls and their obscenely revealing pantyhose are the heart and soul of this good company.
JENKINS
Even if that’s true, the fact is a newspaper needs reporters more than it needs dancing chorus girls.
WORTHINGTON
Mmm, interesting theory indeed. That’s what I always liked you, Jenkins. Always playing the devil’s advocate! If you wouldn’t mind sitting tight a second, I’m going to need a moment to think over what you just said.
WORTHINGTON gets up, joins the kickline. The conversation continues as WORTHINGTON does amazing feats of dance with the girls.
JENKINS
What if you just got rid of one of them?
WORTHINGTON
One of them? Are you out of your gourd? A chorus line with less just two girls is like a a tricycle with only two wheels?
JENKINS
You mean a bicycle?
WORTHINGTON
What the HELL is a bicycle? Get the hell out of my office?
JENKINS leaves.
WORTHINGTON
All right, girls. Who wants to see an old man do the Charleston?
CHORUS GIRLS
Hooraaaay!
END.
INT. CORPORATE OFFICE-DAY
Mr, Worthington is sitting at his desk, typing. There is a line of dancing chorus girls behind him.
There is a knock at the door.
WORTHINGTON
Come in!
JENKINS enters.
WORTHINGTON
Jenkins, Jenkins, Jenkins, just the man I wanted to see. Jenkins, as you know, you’ve had a long and valuable tenure at this newspaper, one that me and eerybody. (motions to the chorus girls) appreciates. That’s why it’s not without a little difficulty that I’m going to have to let you go.
JENKINS
Let me go? Why? Did I do something wrong?
WORTHINGTON
Oh no no no, heavens no. You did everything right, serving this paper for 15 years with a dedication almost unparalleled in this business. See the thing is, we had our yearly budget meeting last night, and it came down to you… or the girls. I’m speaking softly because I don’t want them to feel like they’re an expendable part of this company.
JENKINS
Sorry, if you’ll forgive me, I’m not sure I understand. Why AREN’T they expendable?
WORTHINGTON
Pardon?
JENKINS
I mean sure, they’re talented and all, but this is a newspaper, and I’m a reporter.
WORTHINGTON
Mmm… I don’t follow.
JENKINS
My point is, all they do is dance.
WORTHINGTON
“All they do is dance”? And I suppose all Tiger Woods does is play golf? And all Meryl Streep does is does is act? And all the Brooklyn Dodgers do is play baseball?
JENKINS
Actually it’s the LA Dodgers.
WORTHINGTON
EXCUSE ME I’M TALKING. Those chorus girls and their obscenely revealing pantyhose are the heart and soul of this good company.
JENKINS
Even if that’s true, the fact is a newspaper needs reporters more than it needs dancing chorus girls.
WORTHINGTON
Mmm, interesting theory indeed. That’s what I always liked you, Jenkins. Always playing the devil’s advocate! If you wouldn’t mind sitting tight a second, I’m going to need a moment to think over what you just said.
WORTHINGTON gets up, joins the kickline. The conversation continues as WORTHINGTON does amazing feats of dance with the girls.
JENKINS
What if you just got rid of one of them?
WORTHINGTON
One of them? Are you out of your gourd? A chorus line with less just two girls is like a a tricycle with only two wheels?
JENKINS
You mean a bicycle?
WORTHINGTON
What the HELL is a bicycle? Get the hell out of my office?
JENKINS leaves.
WORTHINGTON
All right, girls. Who wants to see an old man do the Charleston?
CHORUS GIRLS
Hooraaaay!
END.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
BEING A GROWN-UP IN AMERICA
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
MAN SITS UP IN BED AND TALKS TO THE CAMERA.
MAN
Hooray! Time for another day as a Grown-Up in America!
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
MAN
When you're a grown up in America, you can do whatever you want! You can:
(the following would be accompanied by HILARIOUS visuals of the MAN doing all the things listed)
-EAT CANDY FOR BREAKFAST
-EAT CANDY FOR LUNCH
-HAVE CONSENSUAL SEX WITH AN ADULT OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER
-WEAR WOMEN'S UNDERGARMENTS TO THE BANK
-START YOUR OWN JUG BAND
MAN
Whew, being a grown up in America sure is tiring. Don't forget to stop for lunch.
MAN BITES SANDWICH, THEN TAKES THE PART HE BIT OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
MAN
Mmm, that really hits the spot. Afterwards, you can:
-IMPERSONATE A BARISTA
-WALK A CAT
-EAT CRACKERS IN BED
-MURDER A MAN IN COLD BLOOD
-GO JOGGING
-GET ARRESTED
-GO TO TRIAL FOR MURDERING A MAN IN COLD BLOOD
-GO TO PRISON FOR MURDERING A MAN IN COLD BLOOD
-EAT CANDY IN PRISON
-GROW OLD IN PRISON
-HAVE NON-CONSENSUAL SEX WITH AN IN-MATE OF THE SAME GENDER
You can do it all, when you're a grown up in America. Well, what are you waiting for? Get to it!
END.
MAN SITS UP IN BED AND TALKS TO THE CAMERA.
MAN
Hooray! Time for another day as a Grown-Up in America!
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
MAN
When you're a grown up in America, you can do whatever you want! You can:
(the following would be accompanied by HILARIOUS visuals of the MAN doing all the things listed)
-EAT CANDY FOR BREAKFAST
-EAT CANDY FOR LUNCH
-HAVE CONSENSUAL SEX WITH AN ADULT OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER
-WEAR WOMEN'S UNDERGARMENTS TO THE BANK
-START YOUR OWN JUG BAND
MAN
Whew, being a grown up in America sure is tiring. Don't forget to stop for lunch.
MAN BITES SANDWICH, THEN TAKES THE PART HE BIT OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
MAN
Mmm, that really hits the spot. Afterwards, you can:
-IMPERSONATE A BARISTA
-WALK A CAT
-EAT CRACKERS IN BED
-MURDER A MAN IN COLD BLOOD
-GO JOGGING
-GET ARRESTED
-GO TO TRIAL FOR MURDERING A MAN IN COLD BLOOD
-GO TO PRISON FOR MURDERING A MAN IN COLD BLOOD
-EAT CANDY IN PRISON
-GROW OLD IN PRISON
-HAVE NON-CONSENSUAL SEX WITH AN IN-MATE OF THE SAME GENDER
You can do it all, when you're a grown up in America. Well, what are you waiting for? Get to it!
END.
SKETCH MONTH CHALLENGE
ANNOUNCER
Hey audience! Time for a Sketch Month challenge! See if you can tell at what point Matt took a break from writing this sketch to go masturbate!
OPEN ON PIRATE SHIP. TWO PIRATES ARE SAILING THE SEAS.
PIRATE 1
Aye! What a glorious day to be bravin' the Mighty Pacific!
PIRATE 2
Aye, Smitty! I couldn't agree more!
PIRATE 1
Not a cloud in the sky! The wind in yer hair! The smell of sea salt waftin' through yer olefactories! Aye, it's truly days like these that make you glad to be a scoundrel of the seas!
PIRATE 2
Hear, hear, Matey!
PAUSE.
PIRATE 1
On second thought, ignore everything I just said. I hate meeself.
PIRATE 2
Aye, I hate meeself too.
PIRATE 1
This pirate thing is such a waste of time. "Sailin' the seven seas" my arse. Why can I do something productive with meeself for once in me wretched existence?
PIRATE 2
I'm nothin' but a lump o' shit.
PIRATE 1
No, I'M a lump o' shit.
PIRATE 2
No, I'M a lump o' shit!
THE TWO PIRATES YELL AND SHAKE EACH OTHER.
PIRATE 1
Aye, we're both lumps o' shits.
PIRATE 2
Agreed. Now let's go order Chinese and watch the latest episode of Guiding Light!
PIRATE 1
Arrrr!!!!
PIRATES STORM OFFSTAGE.
ANNOUNCER
So, did you get it? No? Jesus, I knew this thing would be a waste of time. Why didn't I listen to myself in the first place? God, I am such a lump of shit.
END.
Hey audience! Time for a Sketch Month challenge! See if you can tell at what point Matt took a break from writing this sketch to go masturbate!
OPEN ON PIRATE SHIP. TWO PIRATES ARE SAILING THE SEAS.
PIRATE 1
Aye! What a glorious day to be bravin' the Mighty Pacific!
PIRATE 2
Aye, Smitty! I couldn't agree more!
PIRATE 1
Not a cloud in the sky! The wind in yer hair! The smell of sea salt waftin' through yer olefactories! Aye, it's truly days like these that make you glad to be a scoundrel of the seas!
PIRATE 2
Hear, hear, Matey!
PAUSE.
PIRATE 1
On second thought, ignore everything I just said. I hate meeself.
PIRATE 2
Aye, I hate meeself too.
PIRATE 1
This pirate thing is such a waste of time. "Sailin' the seven seas" my arse. Why can I do something productive with meeself for once in me wretched existence?
PIRATE 2
I'm nothin' but a lump o' shit.
PIRATE 1
No, I'M a lump o' shit.
PIRATE 2
No, I'M a lump o' shit!
THE TWO PIRATES YELL AND SHAKE EACH OTHER.
PIRATE 1
Aye, we're both lumps o' shits.
PIRATE 2
Agreed. Now let's go order Chinese and watch the latest episode of Guiding Light!
PIRATE 1
Arrrr!!!!
PIRATES STORM OFFSTAGE.
ANNOUNCER
So, did you get it? No? Jesus, I knew this thing would be a waste of time. Why didn't I listen to myself in the first place? God, I am such a lump of shit.
END.
HAPPY YOM KIPPUR
MATT and ROB are sitting on a park bench. A Jewish guy with a yarmulke sits down on a bench across the way.
ROB
Hey Matt. You’re Jewish. What’s the deal with some Jews wear Yarmulkes all the time?
MATT
You don’t know?
ROB
No, what?
MATT
You’ve seriously never pressed down on a Jew’s yarmulke before?
ROB
No. Why, what happens when you press down on a Jew’s yarmulke?
MATT
Uh, when you press down on a Jew’s yarmulke, he sings the most beautiful Jewish folk song you’ve ever heard.
ROB
…Come on.
MATT
I’m serious! You don’t believe me, go over and try it.
ROB
No way! I’m not doing that!
MATT
But don’t let him catch you in the act, or else he’ll bite your left eye clean out of its socket.
ROB
(laughs) You are just fucking with me now.
MATT
Suit yourself…
BEAT.
ROB
Fine, I’ll do it. But I’m just doing it to prove that you’re fucking with me.
ROB sneaks up behind the Jew and presses down on his yarmulke. A pause. The Jew looks behind him and sees Rob. Suddenly, the Jew leaps up and bites ROB’s left eye out. ROB falls to the ground in pain while the Jew runs away in a mania.
MATT
Come to think of it, I think I dreamt that part about the folk song. At least I was half right though, right? Hey, are you okay?
ROB
You… are an asshole.
END.
ROB
Hey Matt. You’re Jewish. What’s the deal with some Jews wear Yarmulkes all the time?
MATT
You don’t know?
ROB
No, what?
MATT
You’ve seriously never pressed down on a Jew’s yarmulke before?
ROB
No. Why, what happens when you press down on a Jew’s yarmulke?
MATT
Uh, when you press down on a Jew’s yarmulke, he sings the most beautiful Jewish folk song you’ve ever heard.
ROB
…Come on.
MATT
I’m serious! You don’t believe me, go over and try it.
ROB
No way! I’m not doing that!
MATT
But don’t let him catch you in the act, or else he’ll bite your left eye clean out of its socket.
ROB
(laughs) You are just fucking with me now.
MATT
Suit yourself…
BEAT.
ROB
Fine, I’ll do it. But I’m just doing it to prove that you’re fucking with me.
ROB sneaks up behind the Jew and presses down on his yarmulke. A pause. The Jew looks behind him and sees Rob. Suddenly, the Jew leaps up and bites ROB’s left eye out. ROB falls to the ground in pain while the Jew runs away in a mania.
MATT
Come to think of it, I think I dreamt that part about the folk song. At least I was half right though, right? Hey, are you okay?
ROB
You… are an asshole.
END.
Friday, September 25, 2009
SPANISH SKETCH
NOTE: The following was written using the full breadth of Matt's Spanish vocabulary. Enjoy!
INT. CASA DE HECTOR – NOCHE
HECTOR y RAMIREZ estan.
HECTOR
¡Hola Ramirez!
RAMIREZ
¡Hola Hector!
HECTOR
¿Como esta, Ramirez?
RAMIREZ
Muy bien! ¿Y tu?
HECTOR
¡Bien! ¡Muy bien!
RAMIREZ
¡Hasta luego!
HECTOR
¡Buenos noches!
RAMIREZ
¡Si!
HECTOR
¿Donde esta la discoteca?
RAMIREZ
A la aeropuerto.
HECTOR
¿Con el gato?
RAMIREZ
Si, con el gato.
HECTOR
¡Aye que pena!
LLAMA arribe.
LLAMA
¡Hola Hector! ¡Hola Ramirez!
HECTOR Y RAMIREZ
¡Hola Llama!
LLAMA
¡Taco! ¡Burrito! ¡Chimichonga!
RAMIREZ
Pesos.
NEGRA-OUT.
INT. CASA DE HECTOR – NOCHE
HECTOR y RAMIREZ estan.
HECTOR
¡Hola Ramirez!
RAMIREZ
¡Hola Hector!
HECTOR
¿Como esta, Ramirez?
RAMIREZ
Muy bien! ¿Y tu?
HECTOR
¡Bien! ¡Muy bien!
RAMIREZ
¡Hasta luego!
HECTOR
¡Buenos noches!
RAMIREZ
¡Si!
HECTOR
¿Donde esta la discoteca?
RAMIREZ
A la aeropuerto.
HECTOR
¿Con el gato?
RAMIREZ
Si, con el gato.
HECTOR
¡Aye que pena!
LLAMA arribe.
LLAMA
¡Hola Hector! ¡Hola Ramirez!
HECTOR Y RAMIREZ
¡Hola Llama!
LLAMA
¡Taco! ¡Burrito! ¡Chimichonga!
RAMIREZ
Pesos.
NEGRA-OUT.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
THE ORIGIN OF SBARRO
INT. GRANDPA'S COTTAGE - DAY
Grandpa lies on his deathbed. He is sleeping. His only grandson, ANTONIO, sits beside him. Grandpa slowly awakens.
GRANDPA
Antonio...
ANTONIO
Grandpa, you awake!
GRANDPA
I'm a-dyin', Antonio.
ANTONIO
No, Grandpa, you gonna be okay. You gonna be okay!
GRANDPA
Antonio, promise-a me something before I go.
ANTONIO
Anything, Grandpa Sbarro. Anything!
GRANDPA
Promise me you'll go to the New World and start a chain of shitty, overpriced Italian eateries dedicated to my memory!
ANTONIO
Shitty? Can't they be good?
GRANDPA
No, they-a have to be shitty. I want-a the people to pay 4 bucks for a slice of pizza that tastes like it's been-a sitting out on the sidewalk for a week.
ANTONIO
Okay, Grandpa, anything you say!
GRANDPA
Promise me one more thing. These eateries--
GRANDPA coughs violently. ANTONIO hands him some water.
GRANDPA
Promise Grandpa you put one in every shopping mall and-a airport in America.
ANTONIO
Of course, Grandpa. Of course!
GRANDPA
Make the business man regret he didn't just wait to eat on-a the plane, instead of spending 8 bucks on-a a freakin' calzone.
ANTONIO
Anything you say, grandpa. Consider it done!
GRANDPA
Oh, and before I forget. The music, make sure the music they play on the radio in each-a restaurant is-a so bad, you want-a to rip-a your eyeballs out, put your eyeballs on a your pizza, and eat them as a topping on-a your shitty slice of-a pizza.
ANTONIO
No problem, Grandpa.
GRANDPA
Eyeball pizza.
ANTONIO
Eyeball pizza it is!
GRANDPA
Good luck, Antonio. Good luck.
GRANDPA keels over. ANTONIO holds GRANDPA'S head against his chest.
ANTONIO
I'll-a miss you, grandpa!
GRANDPA
One more thing!
ANTONIO
Oh. Yes?
GRANDPA
In 50 years, there's going to be a young man named Matt Koff who walks into one of these establishments. Make sure his dining experience is particularly awful. Make sure the garlic knots he orders taste like they've been covered in sawdust, and that the Nestea he orders tastes like it was previously used as bathwater for filthy Mormon children. Oh, and that the cashier their is kind of weirdly bitchy for no reason, and that she has this big birthmarky thing on the left side of her forehead. Not her left, Matt's-a left.
ANTONIO
Matt's left. Got it.
GRANDPA
And this is the most important thing of all. Make sure Matt is so incensed after his awful experience that he goes home and writes a sketch about it. A sketch that is obvious and rather heavy-handed, but still counts as a sketch for National Sketch Writing Month, nonetheless.
ANTONIO
It will be done, Grandpa.
GRANDPA
Goodbye, Antonio.
ANTONIO
Grandpa, wait!
GRANDPA DIES.
MATT SUDDENLY APPEARS IN TIME MACHINE.
ANTONIO
Who are you?
MATT
I'm Matt Koff, the guy your grandpa was just talking about. I'm just here to tell you that you end up fulfilling all his wishes and everything ends up working out for the best!
ANTONIO
Great! Looking like I don't have to do anything then.
ANTONIO pulls out a PSP and starts playing it.
MATT
No, wait!
SPACE TIME CONTINUUM OCCURS.
THE END...?
Grandpa lies on his deathbed. He is sleeping. His only grandson, ANTONIO, sits beside him. Grandpa slowly awakens.
GRANDPA
Antonio...
ANTONIO
Grandpa, you awake!
GRANDPA
I'm a-dyin', Antonio.
ANTONIO
No, Grandpa, you gonna be okay. You gonna be okay!
GRANDPA
Antonio, promise-a me something before I go.
ANTONIO
Anything, Grandpa Sbarro. Anything!
GRANDPA
Promise me you'll go to the New World and start a chain of shitty, overpriced Italian eateries dedicated to my memory!
ANTONIO
Shitty? Can't they be good?
GRANDPA
No, they-a have to be shitty. I want-a the people to pay 4 bucks for a slice of pizza that tastes like it's been-a sitting out on the sidewalk for a week.
ANTONIO
Okay, Grandpa, anything you say!
GRANDPA
Promise me one more thing. These eateries--
GRANDPA coughs violently. ANTONIO hands him some water.
GRANDPA
Promise Grandpa you put one in every shopping mall and-a airport in America.
ANTONIO
Of course, Grandpa. Of course!
GRANDPA
Make the business man regret he didn't just wait to eat on-a the plane, instead of spending 8 bucks on-a a freakin' calzone.
ANTONIO
Anything you say, grandpa. Consider it done!
GRANDPA
Oh, and before I forget. The music, make sure the music they play on the radio in each-a restaurant is-a so bad, you want-a to rip-a your eyeballs out, put your eyeballs on a your pizza, and eat them as a topping on-a your shitty slice of-a pizza.
ANTONIO
No problem, Grandpa.
GRANDPA
Eyeball pizza.
ANTONIO
Eyeball pizza it is!
GRANDPA
Good luck, Antonio. Good luck.
GRANDPA keels over. ANTONIO holds GRANDPA'S head against his chest.
ANTONIO
I'll-a miss you, grandpa!
GRANDPA
One more thing!
ANTONIO
Oh. Yes?
GRANDPA
In 50 years, there's going to be a young man named Matt Koff who walks into one of these establishments. Make sure his dining experience is particularly awful. Make sure the garlic knots he orders taste like they've been covered in sawdust, and that the Nestea he orders tastes like it was previously used as bathwater for filthy Mormon children. Oh, and that the cashier their is kind of weirdly bitchy for no reason, and that she has this big birthmarky thing on the left side of her forehead. Not her left, Matt's-a left.
ANTONIO
Matt's left. Got it.
GRANDPA
And this is the most important thing of all. Make sure Matt is so incensed after his awful experience that he goes home and writes a sketch about it. A sketch that is obvious and rather heavy-handed, but still counts as a sketch for National Sketch Writing Month, nonetheless.
ANTONIO
It will be done, Grandpa.
GRANDPA
Goodbye, Antonio.
ANTONIO
Grandpa, wait!
GRANDPA DIES.
MATT SUDDENLY APPEARS IN TIME MACHINE.
ANTONIO
Who are you?
MATT
I'm Matt Koff, the guy your grandpa was just talking about. I'm just here to tell you that you end up fulfilling all his wishes and everything ends up working out for the best!
ANTONIO
Great! Looking like I don't have to do anything then.
ANTONIO pulls out a PSP and starts playing it.
MATT
No, wait!
SPACE TIME CONTINUUM OCCURS.
THE END...?
Saturday, September 19, 2009
OBAMA DEATH PANEL
INT. CHARLIE ROSE-ESQUE TALK SHOW STUDIO
FRIENDLY SOUNDING MUSIC PLAYS. SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: OBAMA DEATH PANEL.
OBAMA
Hello, I'm President Barack Obama,
and welcome to The Obama Death
Panel. On the panel tonight we
have Dr. Roger Marcus, Professor of
Grief Counseling at the University
of Wisconsin, Dr. Sandra Constance,
well-known author of several books
on coping with the loss of a loved
one, and noted pathologist Dr. Jack
Davis. Welcome.
GUESTS
Thanks./My pleasure/Thank you for
having me.
OBAMA
For those of you tuning in for the
first time, The Obama Death Panel
is a talk show dedicated to
enlightening the public about the
grieving process. If tonight's
Obama Death Panel does not mind,
we're going to begin this episode
of the Obama Death Panel by taking
some calls.
GUESTS
That's fine./Sure./Go ahead!
OBAMA
Hello, Casey from Wilmington,
Delaware. You're on the Obama
Death Panel.
CASEY
Hi, President Obama. I just want to
say that these death panels of
yours that are immoral and
unjustifiable, and I--
OBAMA
Casey, if I may, can I just stop
you for a second? I think you're
confusing the title of this talk
show with the outlandish claims
being made against me by
anti-healthcare reform movement. In
those death panels, which I'd like
to state once again are a complete
fabrication, elderly Americans are
put to sleep at the hands of
unfeeling government bureaucrats.
This Obama Death Panel is a talk
show in which panelists discuss
the psychological effects of losing
a loved one.
CASEY
Oh... Well that's kind of
confusing.
OBAMA
Perhaps it is. Do you have a
question about death or
the grieving process?
CASEY
Not really...
OBAMA
Okay, well thank you Casey for
calling the Obama Death Panel. Our
next caller is Margaret from
Portland, Oregon. Margaret, you're
on the Obama Death Panel.
MARGARET
Hi, I just wanted to say. It's one
thing for the government to decide
who lives and who dies, but to
televise it like this--
OBAMA
Hi Margaret, let me just stop you
for a second. This is not, I
repeat, not a televised execution.
MARGARET
It isn't?
OBAMA
No.
MARGARET
But it's called the Obama Death
Panel...
OBAMA
Yes. It's a talk show in which I,
President Barack Obama, moderate a
discussion about death and the
grieving process.
MARGARET
So, you're NOT going to kill those
poor old people sitting next to you?
OBAMA
No, of course not. They are the
top experts in their respective fields. Such an action
would be foolish at best.
MARGARET
Oh, thank goodness.
OBAMA
Do you have a question about death
or the grieving process?
MARGARET
No, not really.
OBAMA
Okay, Margaret. Well thank you for
calling the Obama Death Panel.
Looks like we have time for
one more call. Let's hope this is a
good one since, let's be frank, this
hasn't been the most productive
episode so far.
GUESTS
Not at all./I'm afraid not./A giant
waste of time for all involved.
OBAMA
Our next caller is Hector from Long
Beach, California. Hector, you're
on the Obama Death Panel.
HECTOR
Hi, I have a question about death.
OBAMA
Hey, great!
GUESTS
Fantastic/super/Oh this is a most
joyous occasion indeed.
HECTOR
Yeah, my grandmother's really
senile and just kinda sits around all day. I just wondering
how I could put her on one of those
panels of yours. I
went to the White House's website
but I didn't see--
OBAMA
Hector, I think you may be confused.
HECTOR
Huh?
OBAMA
The federal government does not
kill old people.
HECTOR
It doesn't?
OBAMA
No.
HECTOR
Oh, shit. Well this is really
embarrassing.
OBAMA
You're not alone. Half the country
thinks I want to kill its
grandmothers, so you can imagine
how embarrassed I feel.
HECTOR
Well, you can kill mine. She's
really just like a total vegetable.
OBAMA
(extremely serious)
Hector, I'm not going to kill your
grandmother.
AWKWARD BEAT.
HECTOR
Oh. Uh, okay.
OBAMA
Well, that's all the time we have
on this week's Obama Death Panel.
And now, because we did not succeed
in answering anyone's questions about loss
or the grieving process, all my guests must now
all be put to death.
MEN IN LAB COATS ENTER, STICKING THE PANELISTS WITH SYRINGES.
GUESTS
Oh no!/Not me./This is an outrage! An outrage I say!
OBAMA
See you next week, America.
OBAMA laughs insidiously.
CUE OUTRO.
END.
FRIENDLY SOUNDING MUSIC PLAYS. SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: OBAMA DEATH PANEL.
OBAMA
Hello, I'm President Barack Obama,
and welcome to The Obama Death
Panel. On the panel tonight we
have Dr. Roger Marcus, Professor of
Grief Counseling at the University
of Wisconsin, Dr. Sandra Constance,
well-known author of several books
on coping with the loss of a loved
one, and noted pathologist Dr. Jack
Davis. Welcome.
GUESTS
Thanks./My pleasure/Thank you for
having me.
OBAMA
For those of you tuning in for the
first time, The Obama Death Panel
is a talk show dedicated to
enlightening the public about the
grieving process. If tonight's
Obama Death Panel does not mind,
we're going to begin this episode
of the Obama Death Panel by taking
some calls.
GUESTS
That's fine./Sure./Go ahead!
OBAMA
Hello, Casey from Wilmington,
Delaware. You're on the Obama
Death Panel.
CASEY
Hi, President Obama. I just want to
say that these death panels of
yours that are immoral and
unjustifiable, and I--
OBAMA
Casey, if I may, can I just stop
you for a second? I think you're
confusing the title of this talk
show with the outlandish claims
being made against me by
anti-healthcare reform movement. In
those death panels, which I'd like
to state once again are a complete
fabrication, elderly Americans are
put to sleep at the hands of
unfeeling government bureaucrats.
This Obama Death Panel is a talk
show in which panelists discuss
the psychological effects of losing
a loved one.
CASEY
Oh... Well that's kind of
confusing.
OBAMA
Perhaps it is. Do you have a
question about death or
the grieving process?
CASEY
Not really...
OBAMA
Okay, well thank you Casey for
calling the Obama Death Panel. Our
next caller is Margaret from
Portland, Oregon. Margaret, you're
on the Obama Death Panel.
MARGARET
Hi, I just wanted to say. It's one
thing for the government to decide
who lives and who dies, but to
televise it like this--
OBAMA
Hi Margaret, let me just stop you
for a second. This is not, I
repeat, not a televised execution.
MARGARET
It isn't?
OBAMA
No.
MARGARET
But it's called the Obama Death
Panel...
OBAMA
Yes. It's a talk show in which I,
President Barack Obama, moderate a
discussion about death and the
grieving process.
MARGARET
So, you're NOT going to kill those
poor old people sitting next to you?
OBAMA
No, of course not. They are the
top experts in their respective fields. Such an action
would be foolish at best.
MARGARET
Oh, thank goodness.
OBAMA
Do you have a question about death
or the grieving process?
MARGARET
No, not really.
OBAMA
Okay, Margaret. Well thank you for
calling the Obama Death Panel.
Looks like we have time for
one more call. Let's hope this is a
good one since, let's be frank, this
hasn't been the most productive
episode so far.
GUESTS
Not at all./I'm afraid not./A giant
waste of time for all involved.
OBAMA
Our next caller is Hector from Long
Beach, California. Hector, you're
on the Obama Death Panel.
HECTOR
Hi, I have a question about death.
OBAMA
Hey, great!
GUESTS
Fantastic/super/Oh this is a most
joyous occasion indeed.
HECTOR
Yeah, my grandmother's really
senile and just kinda sits around all day. I just wondering
how I could put her on one of those
panels of yours. I
went to the White House's website
but I didn't see--
OBAMA
Hector, I think you may be confused.
HECTOR
Huh?
OBAMA
The federal government does not
kill old people.
HECTOR
It doesn't?
OBAMA
No.
HECTOR
Oh, shit. Well this is really
embarrassing.
OBAMA
You're not alone. Half the country
thinks I want to kill its
grandmothers, so you can imagine
how embarrassed I feel.
HECTOR
Well, you can kill mine. She's
really just like a total vegetable.
OBAMA
(extremely serious)
Hector, I'm not going to kill your
grandmother.
AWKWARD BEAT.
HECTOR
Oh. Uh, okay.
OBAMA
Well, that's all the time we have
on this week's Obama Death Panel.
And now, because we did not succeed
in answering anyone's questions about loss
or the grieving process, all my guests must now
all be put to death.
MEN IN LAB COATS ENTER, STICKING THE PANELISTS WITH SYRINGES.
GUESTS
Oh no!/Not me./This is an outrage! An outrage I say!
OBAMA
See you next week, America.
OBAMA laughs insidiously.
CUE OUTRO.
END.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
IN-N-OUT LINGO
INT. IN-N-OUT BURGER - DAY
CRAIG
Okay, how does this work again?
ROB
Just go up there and ask for a
cheeseburger, "animal style."
CRAIG
Okay, animal style. Do I... do or
say anything else?
ROB
No, that's it.
CRAIG
OK. Here goes.
CRAIG goes up to counter.
BEVERLY
Hello, welcome to In-N-Out Burger.
My name is Beverly. How may I help
you today?
CRAIG
Yeah, hi. I'd like a cheeseburger.
BEVERLY
And how would you like that cooked?
CRAIG
Animal-style.
BEVERLY slaps CRAIG across the face.
BEAT.
CRAIG walks back to ROB.
ROB
How'd it go?
CRAIG
She slapped me.
ROB
What?
CRAIG
She slapped me across the face.
ROB
Dude, what the hell did you say to
her?
CRAIG
What did I say to her? I told her
what you told me to say.
ROB
No you didn't. You must have said
something horrible.
CRAIG
No I didn't! I asked for a
cheeseburger animal-style.
ROB
Well which word did you accentuate?
CRAIG
What?
ROB
Did you put the accent on "animal"
or "style"?
CRAIG
What difference does it make?
ROB
Believe me, it makes a huge
difference.
CRAIG
I doubt that. Maybe she's just new
or something. Maybe she's not
familiar with the lingo.
ROB
She's not new. I order an animal
style from Beverly every single day
on my lunchbreak. Hi Beverly!
BEVERLY
Hi Rob!
ROB
Look, just go up there, and ask for
an animal style, and make sure you
put the accent on "style."
CRAIG
Fine.
CRAIG goes to counter.
BEVERLY
Hello, welcome to In-N-Out Burger.
My name is Beverly. How may I help
you today?
CRAIG
Hi Beverly. I'd like a
cheeseburger, animal-STYLE please.
BEVERLY stares at CRAIG blankly for a beat.
CRAIG
Animal-STYLE.
ANOTHER BEAT. BEVERLY blinks.
CRAIG
Hello? What's the matter with you?
CRAIG looks back at ROB. ROB gives CRAIG a thumbs up.
CRAIG goes back to ROB's table.
ROB
Looks like it's going well over
there!
CRAIG
What the hell are you talking
about? She's not DOING anything!
ROB
What? Oh, I guess you're right.
Well what did you say to her now?
CRAIG
I asked for a cheeseburger,
animal-style! What the hell do you
think I said to her?
ROB
Well let me ask you this. What was
the pitch of your voice as you
asked for the burger?
CRAIG
The pitch?
ROB
Yeah, was it like your regular
pitch, or was it like... an octave
higher?
CRAIG
Uh, I guess it was my regular
voice? I don't usually talk like a
girl when ordering fast food.
ROB
Well, maybe you should try that
then.
CRAIG
W--?
CRAIG sighs in exasperation and races up to counter.
BEVERLY
Hello, welcome to In-N-Out B--.
CRAIG
Yeah, whatever. (high-voice)
Cheeseburger,
Animal-st--Animal-STYLE, please!
BEVERLY looks at CRAIG for a minute and then goes to the
kitchen.
CRAIG
Augh, FINALLY.
CRAIG gives thumbs up to ROB.
BEVERLY comes back with a BABY IN A CARSEAT. She places it
on the counter and stares at CRAIG.
CRAIG
Uh... Uh, that's a baby.
NO RESPONSE.
AFTER A MOMENT, CRAIG TAKES THE BABY AND BRINGS IT BACK TO
THE TABLE.
ROB
Hey, that's a baby, not a burger!
CRAIG
I know!
ROB
You asked for a baby?
CRAIG
No, I asked for a cheeseburger,
animal-style, accent on the style,
in an octave above my regular
voice. As a result, I was given
this baby.
ROB
Well that's great. Haven't you and
Shari been having trouble
conceiving?
CRAIG
First of all, keep your voice
down. Second of all, I don't want
this baby. This one's ugly.
CRAIG runs finger across baby's forehead.
CRAIG
Not to mention it's covered in
french fry grease.
CRAIG licks finger and makes a sour face.
ROB
All right, here's what you do. Go
up there and say "Give me a
cheeseburger, you fucking bitch?"
CRAIG
Really? What happens if I say
that?
ROB
Just do it.
CRAIG goes to counter.
BEVERLY
Hello--
CRAIG
Give me a cheeseburger, you fucking
bitch!
BEVERLY jumps across the counter and starts violently making
out with CRAIG.
CRAIG
What the hell did I just ask for?
ROB
A cheeseburger, but apparently she
has a thing for assholes.
END.
CRAIG
Okay, how does this work again?
ROB
Just go up there and ask for a
cheeseburger, "animal style."
CRAIG
Okay, animal style. Do I... do or
say anything else?
ROB
No, that's it.
CRAIG
OK. Here goes.
CRAIG goes up to counter.
BEVERLY
Hello, welcome to In-N-Out Burger.
My name is Beverly. How may I help
you today?
CRAIG
Yeah, hi. I'd like a cheeseburger.
BEVERLY
And how would you like that cooked?
CRAIG
Animal-style.
BEVERLY slaps CRAIG across the face.
BEAT.
CRAIG walks back to ROB.
ROB
How'd it go?
CRAIG
She slapped me.
ROB
What?
CRAIG
She slapped me across the face.
ROB
Dude, what the hell did you say to
her?
CRAIG
What did I say to her? I told her
what you told me to say.
ROB
No you didn't. You must have said
something horrible.
CRAIG
No I didn't! I asked for a
cheeseburger animal-style.
ROB
Well which word did you accentuate?
CRAIG
What?
ROB
Did you put the accent on "animal"
or "style"?
CRAIG
What difference does it make?
ROB
Believe me, it makes a huge
difference.
CRAIG
I doubt that. Maybe she's just new
or something. Maybe she's not
familiar with the lingo.
ROB
She's not new. I order an animal
style from Beverly every single day
on my lunchbreak. Hi Beverly!
BEVERLY
Hi Rob!
ROB
Look, just go up there, and ask for
an animal style, and make sure you
put the accent on "style."
CRAIG
Fine.
CRAIG goes to counter.
BEVERLY
Hello, welcome to In-N-Out Burger.
My name is Beverly. How may I help
you today?
CRAIG
Hi Beverly. I'd like a
cheeseburger, animal-STYLE please.
BEVERLY stares at CRAIG blankly for a beat.
CRAIG
Animal-STYLE.
ANOTHER BEAT. BEVERLY blinks.
CRAIG
Hello? What's the matter with you?
CRAIG looks back at ROB. ROB gives CRAIG a thumbs up.
CRAIG goes back to ROB's table.
ROB
Looks like it's going well over
there!
CRAIG
What the hell are you talking
about? She's not DOING anything!
ROB
What? Oh, I guess you're right.
Well what did you say to her now?
CRAIG
I asked for a cheeseburger,
animal-style! What the hell do you
think I said to her?
ROB
Well let me ask you this. What was
the pitch of your voice as you
asked for the burger?
CRAIG
The pitch?
ROB
Yeah, was it like your regular
pitch, or was it like... an octave
higher?
CRAIG
Uh, I guess it was my regular
voice? I don't usually talk like a
girl when ordering fast food.
ROB
Well, maybe you should try that
then.
CRAIG
W--?
CRAIG sighs in exasperation and races up to counter.
BEVERLY
Hello, welcome to In-N-Out B--.
CRAIG
Yeah, whatever. (high-voice)
Cheeseburger,
Animal-st--Animal-STYLE, please!
BEVERLY looks at CRAIG for a minute and then goes to the
kitchen.
CRAIG
Augh, FINALLY.
CRAIG gives thumbs up to ROB.
BEVERLY comes back with a BABY IN A CARSEAT. She places it
on the counter and stares at CRAIG.
CRAIG
Uh... Uh, that's a baby.
NO RESPONSE.
AFTER A MOMENT, CRAIG TAKES THE BABY AND BRINGS IT BACK TO
THE TABLE.
ROB
Hey, that's a baby, not a burger!
CRAIG
I know!
ROB
You asked for a baby?
CRAIG
No, I asked for a cheeseburger,
animal-style, accent on the style,
in an octave above my regular
voice. As a result, I was given
this baby.
ROB
Well that's great. Haven't you and
Shari been having trouble
conceiving?
CRAIG
First of all, keep your voice
down. Second of all, I don't want
this baby. This one's ugly.
CRAIG runs finger across baby's forehead.
CRAIG
Not to mention it's covered in
french fry grease.
CRAIG licks finger and makes a sour face.
ROB
All right, here's what you do. Go
up there and say "Give me a
cheeseburger, you fucking bitch?"
CRAIG
Really? What happens if I say
that?
ROB
Just do it.
CRAIG goes to counter.
BEVERLY
Hello--
CRAIG
Give me a cheeseburger, you fucking
bitch!
BEVERLY jumps across the counter and starts violently making
out with CRAIG.
CRAIG
What the hell did I just ask for?
ROB
A cheeseburger, but apparently she
has a thing for assholes.
END.
WHY DIDN'T YA SAY SO?
INT. KITCHEN-NIGHT
FATHER McKENZIE, an Irish Priest, sits at a kitchen table
with HARRY and CONNOR, a gay married couple.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Well gentlemen, I've spent the past
three days straight with little
Sarah, and there is now no doubt in
my mind. She is definitely
possessed by the devil himself.
HARRY
Oh God.
CONNOR puts his arm around HARRY to console him.
FATHER MCKENZIE
But the one question that continues
to vex me is, how did Satan find
his wicked way into little Sarah's
heart? This is no doubt a healthy,
nurturing home, and Sarah is a
decent young woman with a strong
moral compass. I simply cannot
figure it out.
HARRY
I'm sorry, Father McKenzie. I wish
we had more to tell you.
FATHER MCKENZIE
That's all right. Perhaps Sarah's
mother will be able to shed some
light on the subject. Do you have
any idea when she'll be home?
CONNOR
Oh, Sarah has no mother.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Pardon? No mother didja say?
HARRY
Well, we're her mother AND her
father. ... We're gay.
FATHER MCKENZIE looks at them confused.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Gay?
CONNOR
Yeah.
FATHER MCKENZIE
(relieved)
Well for heaven's sake! why didn't
you tell me that in the first
place?
CONNOR
We didn't think it mattered.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Dinnut think it mattered? You two
are playin' with each other's
piggledywiggedlies till the early
mornin' hours everynight and you're
confused about why Satan's hangin'
around your house like it's Free
Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's? Have ya
gone mental? There's nothin' the
King of Liars loves more than a
good gay romp!
FATHER MCKENZIE CALLS UP TO SECOND
FLOOR.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Hey Teddy, they're butt-patters!
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY (O.S.)
Oh you've got to be kiddin' me!
Enter FATHER O'SHAUGNESSY.
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
You two are a couple o' butt
patters?
CONNOR
We prefer the term "gay"--
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
Geez Louise, why didn't ya tell us
that 72 hours ago? I've already
sent 3 of these suits to the
cleaners, thanks to all the green
crap your daughter's spewin' at me!
HARRY
Well look, I'm no expert, but it
seems odd to place this whole thing
on our being gay.
CONNOR
Yeah! Isn't supernatural possession
usually more like... a culmination
of reasons?
FATHER MCKENZIE
Ohh, a "culmination" he says?
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
Oh that's interesting. A
"culmination"!
FATHER MCKENZIE
Hmm, well let's see. Now that you
mention it, it is a bit humid in
here!
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
Oh, and those drapes are mite
crooked to tell the truth.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Oh yeah, and--no, I'm pretty sure
it's just that you two are gay.
HARRY
All right, you've made your point.
What do we have to do?
FATHER MCKENZIE
Well, first, you're going to have
to renounce the sin of
homosexuality.
CONNOR
But homosexuality isn't a sin.
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
Look, do you want to sit here and try
n' catch us in one of your gay logic traps,
or do ya want us to help?
HARRY
All right, then what?
FATHER MCKENZIE
After that, you'll have to vanquish
all traces of gayocity from your
living quarters.
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
That includes white wine spritzers,
recipes for garlic hummus, Jason
Statham movies.
CONNOR
Jason Statham isn't gay.
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
No, but he is quite good-looking.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Ooh yeah, dangerously so.
HARRY
Then what?
FATHER MCKENZIE
Then, all you have to do start new
lives as heterosexuals, find a
couple of female partners you'd
like to make honest women of, and
bare lots of Irish-Catholic babies.
CONNOR
Well, but we're gay. We can't just
turn straight.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Hmm, I suppose that's true.
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
Good point.
BEAT.
FATHER MCKENZIE
In that case, have you ever
considered a career as a priest?
FATHER MCKENZIE puts his hand over CONNOR'S hand,
suggestively. FATHER O'SHAUGNESSY winks at the audience.
BLACKOUT.
LIGHTS UP.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Because a lot of priests are
repressed homosexuals.
FATHER O'SHAUGNESSY winks at the audience.
BLACKOUT.
LIGHTS UP.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Oh, and don't forget to have a
happy halloween!
FATHER O'SHAUGNESSY winks at the audience.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Wouldja cool it with the winkin'
already? You're makin' everyone
very uncomfortable.
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
...Sorry.
BLACKOUT.
FATHER McKENZIE, an Irish Priest, sits at a kitchen table
with HARRY and CONNOR, a gay married couple.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Well gentlemen, I've spent the past
three days straight with little
Sarah, and there is now no doubt in
my mind. She is definitely
possessed by the devil himself.
HARRY
Oh God.
CONNOR puts his arm around HARRY to console him.
FATHER MCKENZIE
But the one question that continues
to vex me is, how did Satan find
his wicked way into little Sarah's
heart? This is no doubt a healthy,
nurturing home, and Sarah is a
decent young woman with a strong
moral compass. I simply cannot
figure it out.
HARRY
I'm sorry, Father McKenzie. I wish
we had more to tell you.
FATHER MCKENZIE
That's all right. Perhaps Sarah's
mother will be able to shed some
light on the subject. Do you have
any idea when she'll be home?
CONNOR
Oh, Sarah has no mother.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Pardon? No mother didja say?
HARRY
Well, we're her mother AND her
father. ... We're gay.
FATHER MCKENZIE looks at them confused.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Gay?
CONNOR
Yeah.
FATHER MCKENZIE
(relieved)
Well for heaven's sake! why didn't
you tell me that in the first
place?
CONNOR
We didn't think it mattered.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Dinnut think it mattered? You two
are playin' with each other's
piggledywiggedlies till the early
mornin' hours everynight and you're
confused about why Satan's hangin'
around your house like it's Free
Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's? Have ya
gone mental? There's nothin' the
King of Liars loves more than a
good gay romp!
FATHER MCKENZIE CALLS UP TO SECOND
FLOOR.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Hey Teddy, they're butt-patters!
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY (O.S.)
Oh you've got to be kiddin' me!
Enter FATHER O'SHAUGNESSY.
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
You two are a couple o' butt
patters?
CONNOR
We prefer the term "gay"--
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
Geez Louise, why didn't ya tell us
that 72 hours ago? I've already
sent 3 of these suits to the
cleaners, thanks to all the green
crap your daughter's spewin' at me!
HARRY
Well look, I'm no expert, but it
seems odd to place this whole thing
on our being gay.
CONNOR
Yeah! Isn't supernatural possession
usually more like... a culmination
of reasons?
FATHER MCKENZIE
Ohh, a "culmination" he says?
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
Oh that's interesting. A
"culmination"!
FATHER MCKENZIE
Hmm, well let's see. Now that you
mention it, it is a bit humid in
here!
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
Oh, and those drapes are mite
crooked to tell the truth.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Oh yeah, and--no, I'm pretty sure
it's just that you two are gay.
HARRY
All right, you've made your point.
What do we have to do?
FATHER MCKENZIE
Well, first, you're going to have
to renounce the sin of
homosexuality.
CONNOR
But homosexuality isn't a sin.
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
Look, do you want to sit here and try
n' catch us in one of your gay logic traps,
or do ya want us to help?
HARRY
All right, then what?
FATHER MCKENZIE
After that, you'll have to vanquish
all traces of gayocity from your
living quarters.
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
That includes white wine spritzers,
recipes for garlic hummus, Jason
Statham movies.
CONNOR
Jason Statham isn't gay.
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
No, but he is quite good-looking.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Ooh yeah, dangerously so.
HARRY
Then what?
FATHER MCKENZIE
Then, all you have to do start new
lives as heterosexuals, find a
couple of female partners you'd
like to make honest women of, and
bare lots of Irish-Catholic babies.
CONNOR
Well, but we're gay. We can't just
turn straight.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Hmm, I suppose that's true.
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
Good point.
BEAT.
FATHER MCKENZIE
In that case, have you ever
considered a career as a priest?
FATHER MCKENZIE puts his hand over CONNOR'S hand,
suggestively. FATHER O'SHAUGNESSY winks at the audience.
BLACKOUT.
LIGHTS UP.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Because a lot of priests are
repressed homosexuals.
FATHER O'SHAUGNESSY winks at the audience.
BLACKOUT.
LIGHTS UP.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Oh, and don't forget to have a
happy halloween!
FATHER O'SHAUGNESSY winks at the audience.
FATHER MCKENZIE
Wouldja cool it with the winkin'
already? You're makin' everyone
very uncomfortable.
FATHER O'SHAUGHNESSY
...Sorry.
BLACKOUT.
Monday, September 14, 2009
THAT GUY'S JACKET
So my friend Jordan (who is also participating in National Sketch Writing Month) challenged me to a "Write a Sketch in 5 Minutes Challenge," which is apparently something The State* used to do. So, the title of this sketch is Jordan's, the rest is mine, and the pleasure... IS ALL YOURS.**
*according to Jordan, one of the jokes in this is pretty similar to something from The State. But I've hardly seen any of The State's stuff, so I'm innocent, I tells ya.
**not really, this sketch kinda blows
THAT GUY’S JACKET.
Open on ZOO.
David: Hey, look at that guy’s jacket!
Yelson: I think it’s leather!
David: You mean cowhide?!
Yelson: One and the same.
DAVID AND YELSON SHIMMY OVER TO GUY.
David: EXCUSE ME.
Yelson: GUY.
David: EXCUSE ME.
Yelson: GUY.
Guy: Yes?
David and Yelson: We couldn’t help but notice your jacket!
Guy: This jacket is cowhide. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to watch the monkeys fornicate.
DAVID AND YELSON LOOK AT EACH OTHER, TAKEN ABACK. THEY SHIMMY BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL POSITION.
David: That guy’s an asshole!
Yelson: He doesn’t deserve that jacket!
David: That jacket could find a better owner through an anonymous encounter on craigslist!!!
Yelson: We must help that jacket!
David: The jacket, it needs our help.
DAVID AND YELSON SHIMMY OVER TO GUY.
DAVID AND YELSON: HEY
Guy: What is it n--?
DAVID PUNCHES GUY IN THE FACE, YELSON TRIES TO PULL JACKET OFF. THIS STRUGGLING GOES ON FOR A GOOD 60 SECONDS.
David: I’M BORED.
Yelson: YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN, JACKET. PANDA CAGE HO!
END.
*according to Jordan, one of the jokes in this is pretty similar to something from The State. But I've hardly seen any of The State's stuff, so I'm innocent, I tells ya.
**not really, this sketch kinda blows
THAT GUY’S JACKET.
Open on ZOO.
David: Hey, look at that guy’s jacket!
Yelson: I think it’s leather!
David: You mean cowhide?!
Yelson: One and the same.
DAVID AND YELSON SHIMMY OVER TO GUY.
David: EXCUSE ME.
Yelson: GUY.
David: EXCUSE ME.
Yelson: GUY.
Guy: Yes?
David and Yelson: We couldn’t help but notice your jacket!
Guy: This jacket is cowhide. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to watch the monkeys fornicate.
DAVID AND YELSON LOOK AT EACH OTHER, TAKEN ABACK. THEY SHIMMY BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL POSITION.
David: That guy’s an asshole!
Yelson: He doesn’t deserve that jacket!
David: That jacket could find a better owner through an anonymous encounter on craigslist!!!
Yelson: We must help that jacket!
David: The jacket, it needs our help.
DAVID AND YELSON SHIMMY OVER TO GUY.
DAVID AND YELSON: HEY
Guy: What is it n--?
DAVID PUNCHES GUY IN THE FACE, YELSON TRIES TO PULL JACKET OFF. THIS STRUGGLING GOES ON FOR A GOOD 60 SECONDS.
David: I’M BORED.
Yelson: YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN, JACKET. PANDA CAGE HO!
END.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
OCTOBER 31ST, 5082
STAGE DARK.
V.O.
And now, a special sneak peek at
what's happening on October 31st...
5082!
AUDIO: STING OF DRAMATIC MUSIC.
LIGHTS UP ON FATHER, DAUGHTER, AND SON. THEY ARE DRESSED IN
FUTURISTIC COSTUMES.
FATHER
And that, children, is the story of
Halloween.
DAUGHTER
Wow, those primitive homosapiens
sure did observe some silly,
nonsensical traditions.
SON
A-ffirmative!
FATHER
Well, enough idle chatter, kids.
After all, we have only a few short
hours left to celebrate
"Salsa-Dance-With-Your-Effigy-of-Dabney-
Coleman" Day.
THEY ALL TAKE OUT THEIR EFFIGIES OF DABNEY COLEMAN, AND
BEGIN SALSA DANCING WITH THEM.
FATHER
Great dancing, kids. Keep it up, and one of you is bound to be
elected President of the United States!
DAUGHTER and SON
Hooraaaay!
BLACKOUT.
V.O.
And now, a special sneak peek at
what's happening on October 31st...
5082!
AUDIO: STING OF DRAMATIC MUSIC.
LIGHTS UP ON FATHER, DAUGHTER, AND SON. THEY ARE DRESSED IN
FUTURISTIC COSTUMES.
FATHER
And that, children, is the story of
Halloween.
DAUGHTER
Wow, those primitive homosapiens
sure did observe some silly,
nonsensical traditions.
SON
A-ffirmative!
FATHER
Well, enough idle chatter, kids.
After all, we have only a few short
hours left to celebrate
"Salsa-Dance-With-Your-Effigy-of-Dabney-
Coleman" Day.
THEY ALL TAKE OUT THEIR EFFIGIES OF DABNEY COLEMAN, AND
BEGIN SALSA DANCING WITH THEM.
FATHER
Great dancing, kids. Keep it up, and one of you is bound to be
elected President of the United States!
DAUGHTER and SON
Hooraaaay!
BLACKOUT.
HAUNTED LABORATORY
INT. HAUNTED HOUSE-NIGHT.
AUDIO: SCARY HARPSICHORD MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND.
A "MAD SCIENTIST" guides STEVE, a customer of the haunted
house, through the "laboratory." Steve is blindfolded. The
mad scientist puts Steve's hand into Bucket #1.
STEVE
Oh noooo. Gross. Hahaha. Oh those
are just peeled grapes, right?
Right? Hello?
The mad scientist places a finger over Steve's lips, and
leads him over to Bucket #2.
STEVE
Oh, no! Ewww, cold spaghetti! That
is so gross! That IS just cold
spaghetti, right? It's not
something grosser than that?
The mad scientist places a finger over Steve's lips, and
leads him over to Bucket #3. Before he puts Steve's hand
in, he looks around and switches Bucket #3 with another
Bucket #3. Mad scientist puts Steve's hand into the new
Bucket #3.
STEVE
Eww-- Wait a minute. These are just
condoms. This is just a bucket of
condoms.
The mad scientist then unbuttons his own shirt and places
Steve's hand on his nipple.
STEVE
Wait, what? What's going on here?
The mad scientist places a finger over Steve's lips, sits
him down in a chair, and proceeds to give him a lap dance.
Steve pushes mad scientist away and takes off blindfold.
AUDIO: HARPSICHORD MUSIC (FOR SOME REASON) STOPS.
STEVE
Dude, what the fuck?
Mad scientist shrugs helplessly. He tries to approach Steve
again.
STEVE
No. NO! That is NOT appropriate!
STEVE storms out.
Mad scientist makes pouty face to audience.
FRANKENSTEIN enters.
FRANKSTENSTEIN
I don't blame ya, bro. I woulda
hit that shit too.
Mad scientist and Frankstein high-five.
END.
AUDIO: SCARY HARPSICHORD MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND.
A "MAD SCIENTIST" guides STEVE, a customer of the haunted
house, through the "laboratory." Steve is blindfolded. The
mad scientist puts Steve's hand into Bucket #1.
STEVE
Oh noooo. Gross. Hahaha. Oh those
are just peeled grapes, right?
Right? Hello?
The mad scientist places a finger over Steve's lips, and
leads him over to Bucket #2.
STEVE
Oh, no! Ewww, cold spaghetti! That
is so gross! That IS just cold
spaghetti, right? It's not
something grosser than that?
The mad scientist places a finger over Steve's lips, and
leads him over to Bucket #3. Before he puts Steve's hand
in, he looks around and switches Bucket #3 with another
Bucket #3. Mad scientist puts Steve's hand into the new
Bucket #3.
STEVE
Eww-- Wait a minute. These are just
condoms. This is just a bucket of
condoms.
The mad scientist then unbuttons his own shirt and places
Steve's hand on his nipple.
STEVE
Wait, what? What's going on here?
The mad scientist places a finger over Steve's lips, sits
him down in a chair, and proceeds to give him a lap dance.
Steve pushes mad scientist away and takes off blindfold.
AUDIO: HARPSICHORD MUSIC (FOR SOME REASON) STOPS.
STEVE
Dude, what the fuck?
Mad scientist shrugs helplessly. He tries to approach Steve
again.
STEVE
No. NO! That is NOT appropriate!
STEVE storms out.
Mad scientist makes pouty face to audience.
FRANKENSTEIN enters.
FRANKSTENSTEIN
I don't blame ya, bro. I woulda
hit that shit too.
Mad scientist and Frankstein high-five.
END.
Friday, September 11, 2009
YOUR SON IS FAT
INT. LIVING ROOM-NIGHT
A nice middle-aged married couple, DREW and SHEILA, sit on
the couch reading magazines. There is a bowl of candy on
their coffee table.
Doorbell rings. SHEILA goes to open the door. We see IAN,
an 8-year-old trick-or-treater in a dinosaur costume.
CASTING NOTE: He is not fat.
IAN
Trick-or-treat!
SHEILA
Oh, hello Ian. And what are you
supposed to be?
IAN
A dinosaur!
SHEILA
Ah, very scary indeed! Well, have
a good night...
IAN
Wait, can I have some candy please?
SHEILAP
Oh, I'm afraid Mr. Calloway and I
can't give you any candy this year.
IAN
Why not?
SHEILA
Because you're too fat. I'm sorry.
They close the door on IAN.
They sit down. The doorbell rings. SHEILA gets the door. It
is GREG, IAN's father.
SHEILA
Oh, hello Gregory.
GREG
Hi. What did you just say to my
son? He's over there crying into
your garbage cans.
DREW
Well, he asked for some candy,
Greg, and we told him no.
GREG
Why?
SHEILA
Because he's too fat.
GREG
Excuse me? My son is not fat at
all. Why would you say that?
SHEILA
Look, Greg, we're not making any
judgments here. If you want to
pump your son into a lard balloon,
be our guest. We're just not going
to be accomplices to that.
DREW
It's like if you wanted to turn
your basement into a miniature
concentration camp. Fine with us,
but we're not going to help you pay
your gas bill.
GREG
What the hell are you talking
about? My son is average weight.
SHEILA
Well, maybe we just have different
standards for what average is. For
example, when we say "average," we
mean average for a human boy and
not, say, a hippopotamus or a large
sea mammal.
DREW
The point is, Sheila and I made a
promise to ourselves this Halloween
not to contribute to the child
obesity epidemic.
GREG
But I just saw you guys give candy
to the Castillardi boys. They're
WAY heavier than Ian.
SHEILA
Yes but they're also on the school
football team.
DREW
Those boys are machines. They need
all the carbs they can get.
SHEILA
If we give your son a Kit-Kat
though, we have no reason to
believe it won't just sit in his
stomach, along with all the Cocoa
Krispies and Froot Loops you feed
him--
GREG
I give my son Raisin Bran every
single morning.
SHEILA
Well, maybe you should start
cutting him off after one bowl...
DREW
Look, Greg, how about this: If your
fat child is able to do ten, no,
five sit-ups, we'll give him a
piece of candy.
GREG
Are you out of your mind? My son
is not doing any sit-ups for you
sick assholes!
DREW
Why is that? Are you afraid he...
won't be able to?
GREG
Ian, get in here.
IAN enters.
GREG
Get down and do 5 sit-ups.
IAN
But dad...
GREG
NOW!
IAN gets down and starts to sit ups.
DREW
Not too fast, now. We don't want
you having a heart attack.
GREG
Shut the hell up.
IAN begins struggling to do sit-ups.
GREG
Come on, son! Come on!
iAN gives up.
GREG
All right, fine. My son is fat.
SHEILA
You know what that means.
GREG
(sullen)
Yeah, I know.
DREW
It means someone's getting a visit
from the CHILD OBESITY LLAMA!
AUDIO: CUE JOHNNY CASH'S "RING OF FIRE" IN BACKGROUND.
A LLAMA ENTERS, WEARING A SIGN THAT SAYS "YOUR CHILD IS
FAT."
LLAMA
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYONE!
END.
A nice middle-aged married couple, DREW and SHEILA, sit on
the couch reading magazines. There is a bowl of candy on
their coffee table.
Doorbell rings. SHEILA goes to open the door. We see IAN,
an 8-year-old trick-or-treater in a dinosaur costume.
CASTING NOTE: He is not fat.
IAN
Trick-or-treat!
SHEILA
Oh, hello Ian. And what are you
supposed to be?
IAN
A dinosaur!
SHEILA
Ah, very scary indeed! Well, have
a good night...
IAN
Wait, can I have some candy please?
SHEILAP
Oh, I'm afraid Mr. Calloway and I
can't give you any candy this year.
IAN
Why not?
SHEILA
Because you're too fat. I'm sorry.
They close the door on IAN.
They sit down. The doorbell rings. SHEILA gets the door. It
is GREG, IAN's father.
SHEILA
Oh, hello Gregory.
GREG
Hi. What did you just say to my
son? He's over there crying into
your garbage cans.
DREW
Well, he asked for some candy,
Greg, and we told him no.
GREG
Why?
SHEILA
Because he's too fat.
GREG
Excuse me? My son is not fat at
all. Why would you say that?
SHEILA
Look, Greg, we're not making any
judgments here. If you want to
pump your son into a lard balloon,
be our guest. We're just not going
to be accomplices to that.
DREW
It's like if you wanted to turn
your basement into a miniature
concentration camp. Fine with us,
but we're not going to help you pay
your gas bill.
GREG
What the hell are you talking
about? My son is average weight.
SHEILA
Well, maybe we just have different
standards for what average is. For
example, when we say "average," we
mean average for a human boy and
not, say, a hippopotamus or a large
sea mammal.
DREW
The point is, Sheila and I made a
promise to ourselves this Halloween
not to contribute to the child
obesity epidemic.
GREG
But I just saw you guys give candy
to the Castillardi boys. They're
WAY heavier than Ian.
SHEILA
Yes but they're also on the school
football team.
DREW
Those boys are machines. They need
all the carbs they can get.
SHEILA
If we give your son a Kit-Kat
though, we have no reason to
believe it won't just sit in his
stomach, along with all the Cocoa
Krispies and Froot Loops you feed
him--
GREG
I give my son Raisin Bran every
single morning.
SHEILA
Well, maybe you should start
cutting him off after one bowl...
DREW
Look, Greg, how about this: If your
fat child is able to do ten, no,
five sit-ups, we'll give him a
piece of candy.
GREG
Are you out of your mind? My son
is not doing any sit-ups for you
sick assholes!
DREW
Why is that? Are you afraid he...
won't be able to?
GREG
Ian, get in here.
IAN enters.
GREG
Get down and do 5 sit-ups.
IAN
But dad...
GREG
NOW!
IAN gets down and starts to sit ups.
DREW
Not too fast, now. We don't want
you having a heart attack.
GREG
Shut the hell up.
IAN begins struggling to do sit-ups.
GREG
Come on, son! Come on!
iAN gives up.
GREG
All right, fine. My son is fat.
SHEILA
You know what that means.
GREG
(sullen)
Yeah, I know.
DREW
It means someone's getting a visit
from the CHILD OBESITY LLAMA!
AUDIO: CUE JOHNNY CASH'S "RING OF FIRE" IN BACKGROUND.
A LLAMA ENTERS, WEARING A SIGN THAT SAYS "YOUR CHILD IS
FAT."
LLAMA
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYONE!
END.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
JESUS CRUST
INT. BUS TERMINAL-DAY
ROCCO, a 4-year-old kid, is walking. He is talking on a
cellphone and does not notice that JESUS CHRIST
is standing in the middle of the bus terminal.
ROCCO
Yeah, whenever someone tells me
that 4 is too young to own a
cellphone, I just tell them they
can suck my big, fat, underaged--
ROCCO sees JESUS and drops his cellphone.
ROCCO (CONT'D)
Look everyone, it's Jesus! Jesus is
back!
EVERYONE in bus station rushes to come see.
JESUS speaks in a thick Italian accent.
JESUS
Yes, everyone, it's me, Jesus-a
Christ. I have returned from-a the
dead, and guess what. I brought-a
pizza!
JESUS reveals a stack of pizza boxes. EVERYONE cheers. They
gather round to get pizza.
JESUS (CONT'D)
I've-a come back to Earth to
deliver a very important message.
Right now, Bertucci's is-a having a
one-time-only back-to-school lunch
special, where you can two slices,
a soda, and a piece of their
delicious-a cheesy bread for just-a
$5.95--
BUS DRIVER interrupts.
BUS DRIVER
Hey wait a minute, this isn't Jesus
Christ!
BUS DRIVER pulls off JESUS' beard to reveal a big bushy
mustache.
EVERYONE
(disappointed)
Bertucci!
BERTUCCI
(to AUDIENCE)
What can I say? I'm a sucker for
publicity stunts that are both
unnecessary and horribly offensive!
PAUSE.
END.
ROCCO, a 4-year-old kid, is walking. He is talking on a
cellphone and does not notice that JESUS CHRIST
is standing in the middle of the bus terminal.
ROCCO
Yeah, whenever someone tells me
that 4 is too young to own a
cellphone, I just tell them they
can suck my big, fat, underaged--
ROCCO sees JESUS and drops his cellphone.
ROCCO (CONT'D)
Look everyone, it's Jesus! Jesus is
back!
EVERYONE in bus station rushes to come see.
JESUS speaks in a thick Italian accent.
JESUS
Yes, everyone, it's me, Jesus-a
Christ. I have returned from-a the
dead, and guess what. I brought-a
pizza!
JESUS reveals a stack of pizza boxes. EVERYONE cheers. They
gather round to get pizza.
JESUS (CONT'D)
I've-a come back to Earth to
deliver a very important message.
Right now, Bertucci's is-a having a
one-time-only back-to-school lunch
special, where you can two slices,
a soda, and a piece of their
delicious-a cheesy bread for just-a
$5.95--
BUS DRIVER interrupts.
BUS DRIVER
Hey wait a minute, this isn't Jesus
Christ!
BUS DRIVER pulls off JESUS' beard to reveal a big bushy
mustache.
EVERYONE
(disappointed)
Bertucci!
BERTUCCI
(to AUDIENCE)
What can I say? I'm a sucker for
publicity stunts that are both
unnecessary and horribly offensive!
PAUSE.
END.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
ALL'S WELL IN THE TOWN OF FUCKLAND
INT. TOWN HALL - NIGHT
V.O.
All rise for the Mayor of Fuckland.
THE STATELY MAYOR OF FUCKLAND walks to the podium.
MAYOR
Ladies and gentlemen of the
Fuckland Town Council, I stand
before you today, humbled. Humbled
by the work ethic, generosity, and
optimism of every single one of
Fuckland's residents. Because of
them, Fuckland's future is brighter
today than ever. I don't know if
you remember how things were only a
year ago, but allow me to remind
you: Shit was bad. Shit was real
bad. Perhaps you recall this
headline, printed by our very own
Fuckland Gazette.
MAYOR holds up newspaper with the headline, "FUCKLAND
FUCKED."
MAYOR (CONT'D)
But how exactly, you may ask, has
shit changed since then? For
starters, one need only take a trip
over to Fuckland's local Titty
Factory, where tittyjobs are up 20%
this fiscal year, and that's only
in the first quarter. Fuckland
property value is through the roof.
In downtown Fuckland, young
professionals are practically
punching each other in the cock for
a shot at one of Fuckland's new
luxury condominiums. If you ask any
landlord in Fuckland if Fuckland is
fucked, they'll tell you, "Fuck
you! Do you see how much fucking
money I'm making? You must be out
of your fucking mind! Bitch!"
But as has always been the case in
Fuckland, the critics must have
their say. Some say that Fuckland
is becoming too overdeveloped for
its own good. That we're more
interested in catering to the needs
of big business than families and
the community. That we're losing
touch with the needs of the middle
class. To which I reply: Balls.
That's right, 100%, pure,
unadulterated balls. Tell that to
the students of Fuckland, whose
test scores have skyrocketed over
the past year, surpassing those of
neighboring towns Bumblefuck and
Cuntsburg COMBINED. In fact, this
month, Fuckland High School was
listed as no less than #6 in FORBES
Magazine's "100 Best Places In The
U.S. to Teach Shit To Students."
Tell it to Fuckland's senior
population, who, according to a new
survey, is living longer than ever.
This is in no small part due to the
Fuckland Senior Outreach Program,
whose volunteers are willing to do
nasty-ass shit day after day to
keep our seniors both fucking happy
and fucking healthy.
If you'll indulge me, I'd like to
take a moment to reflect on our
beloved Fuckland's glorious and
sometimes tumultuous history. Back
in the American Revolution, before
Fuckland was even known as
Fuckland, the officers and generals
of Fort Dicktwat fought hard for
what would eventually become
Fuckland's core values, risking
their lives in the face of
relentless cockgobblers who sought
to fuck those values up. Meanwhile,
African slaves took shit from their
masters as they built Fuckland from
the ground up, masters who never
paid them so much as a fucking
dime. But when all was said and
done, even though many men were
sacrificed and sometimes whole
cities were obliterated, Fuckland
remained, shining like a beacon of
hope to even the most downtrodden
of motherfuckers.
But, although Fuckland has braved
more than its share of shitstorms
throughout the ages, the Fuckland
legacy has and will continue. Why?
Because Fuckland soil has never
been known to bear dickscratchers
and pussyfooters; no, it bears
cock-knockers and cunt-bumpers.
When I was a little boy, I asked my
mother, God rest her soul, if God
knows that Fuckland exists. She
looked at me with a gleam in her
and said, "Of course he does. He's
teabagging us right now." So,
remember, fellow citizens. When
times are grim and things seem
uncertain, take comfort in knowing
that the Lord will always have a
place under his Heavenly ballsack,
for Fuckland. Thank you, and good
night.
END.
V.O.
All rise for the Mayor of Fuckland.
THE STATELY MAYOR OF FUCKLAND walks to the podium.
MAYOR
Ladies and gentlemen of the
Fuckland Town Council, I stand
before you today, humbled. Humbled
by the work ethic, generosity, and
optimism of every single one of
Fuckland's residents. Because of
them, Fuckland's future is brighter
today than ever. I don't know if
you remember how things were only a
year ago, but allow me to remind
you: Shit was bad. Shit was real
bad. Perhaps you recall this
headline, printed by our very own
Fuckland Gazette.
MAYOR holds up newspaper with the headline, "FUCKLAND
FUCKED."
MAYOR (CONT'D)
But how exactly, you may ask, has
shit changed since then? For
starters, one need only take a trip
over to Fuckland's local Titty
Factory, where tittyjobs are up 20%
this fiscal year, and that's only
in the first quarter. Fuckland
property value is through the roof.
In downtown Fuckland, young
professionals are practically
punching each other in the cock for
a shot at one of Fuckland's new
luxury condominiums. If you ask any
landlord in Fuckland if Fuckland is
fucked, they'll tell you, "Fuck
you! Do you see how much fucking
money I'm making? You must be out
of your fucking mind! Bitch!"
But as has always been the case in
Fuckland, the critics must have
their say. Some say that Fuckland
is becoming too overdeveloped for
its own good. That we're more
interested in catering to the needs
of big business than families and
the community. That we're losing
touch with the needs of the middle
class. To which I reply: Balls.
That's right, 100%, pure,
unadulterated balls. Tell that to
the students of Fuckland, whose
test scores have skyrocketed over
the past year, surpassing those of
neighboring towns Bumblefuck and
Cuntsburg COMBINED. In fact, this
month, Fuckland High School was
listed as no less than #6 in FORBES
Magazine's "100 Best Places In The
U.S. to Teach Shit To Students."
Tell it to Fuckland's senior
population, who, according to a new
survey, is living longer than ever.
This is in no small part due to the
Fuckland Senior Outreach Program,
whose volunteers are willing to do
nasty-ass shit day after day to
keep our seniors both fucking happy
and fucking healthy.
If you'll indulge me, I'd like to
take a moment to reflect on our
beloved Fuckland's glorious and
sometimes tumultuous history. Back
in the American Revolution, before
Fuckland was even known as
Fuckland, the officers and generals
of Fort Dicktwat fought hard for
what would eventually become
Fuckland's core values, risking
their lives in the face of
relentless cockgobblers who sought
to fuck those values up. Meanwhile,
African slaves took shit from their
masters as they built Fuckland from
the ground up, masters who never
paid them so much as a fucking
dime. But when all was said and
done, even though many men were
sacrificed and sometimes whole
cities were obliterated, Fuckland
remained, shining like a beacon of
hope to even the most downtrodden
of motherfuckers.
But, although Fuckland has braved
more than its share of shitstorms
throughout the ages, the Fuckland
legacy has and will continue. Why?
Because Fuckland soil has never
been known to bear dickscratchers
and pussyfooters; no, it bears
cock-knockers and cunt-bumpers.
When I was a little boy, I asked my
mother, God rest her soul, if God
knows that Fuckland exists. She
looked at me with a gleam in her
and said, "Of course he does. He's
teabagging us right now." So,
remember, fellow citizens. When
times are grim and things seem
uncertain, take comfort in knowing
that the Lord will always have a
place under his Heavenly ballsack,
for Fuckland. Thank you, and good
night.
END.
REUNION
INT. COCKPIT-DAY
CAPTAIN speaks into the PA.
CAPTAIN
...right now the temperature in
Tucson is a comfortable 71
degrees. We should be arriving
there at about 09:00 hours. Oh,
and if any of you happen to be my
biological father, I just want to
say I forgive you, daddy, for
leaving me and my mother when I was
a baby, and please feel free to
approach the cockpit so we can
enjoy whatever time we have left
together. This is your captain
speaking.
CO-CAPTAIN
Wow.
CAPTAIN
Pardon?
CO-CAPTAIN
Do you do that every time you fly a
plane?
CAPTAIN
Oh, yeah. People like to know the
temperature of where they're--
CO-CAPTAIN
No, not that. The father thing.
CAPTAIN
Oh, yeah. That's just something I
do. The odds of it ever yielding
any kind of--
ENTER OLD MAN.
OLD MAN
Son!!!
CAPTAIN
Dad!
CUE MONTAGE
SONG: CELINE DION - "BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME"
In slow motion, CAPTAIN gets out of his seat and embraces
the OLD MAN. They hug tearfully.
dissolve to:
INT. COCKPIT-DAY
CO-CAPTAIN is flying plane, and looking slightly annoyed
while CAPTAIN and OLD MAN play catch with a football.
dissolve to:
INT. COCKPIT-DAY
OLD MAN is teaching CAPTAIN how to ride bike. CAPTAIN keeps
falling and getting frustrated with himself.
dissolve to:
INT. COCKPIT-DAY
CAPTAIN is saying something into the PA. He looks over at
something and visibly mouths the words "OH MY GOD!" It is
the OLD MAN surprising him with a puppy. CAPTAIN throws
receiver down and hugs the puppy.
dissolve to:
INT. COCKPIT-DAY
FADE OUT MUSIC.
CAPTAIN
Be right back, Dad. I gotta a take
a leak.
CAPTAIN leaves.
CO-CAPTAIN
Sir, congratulations on re-uniting
with your son!
OLD MAN
Thank you, boy. I'm just glad
there's still time to make things
right.
CO-CAPTAIN
Yeah. Oh, by the way, we should be
landing soon, so you may want to
return to your cabin so we can--
OLD MAN
Are you trying to come between me
and my boy?
CO-CAPTAIN
What? No, I just--
OLD MAN lunges at CO-CAPTAIN and strangles him. The two
struggle as the plane rocks back and forth. CAPTAIN
returns.
CAPTAIN
What's going on here?
OLD MAN
(pointing to CO-CAPTAIN)
He's trying to come between us!
CAPTAIN
What?
CAPTAIN lunges at CO-CAPTAIN and strangles him. CO-CAPTAIN
dies. CAPTAIN and OLD MAN look at one another.
CUE LAST LINE OF "BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME."
The CAPTAIN and OLD MAN hug each other.
CUT TO:
EXT. PLANE-DAY
The plane crashes into a mountain and explodes.
END.
CAPTAIN speaks into the PA.
CAPTAIN
...right now the temperature in
Tucson is a comfortable 71
degrees. We should be arriving
there at about 09:00 hours. Oh,
and if any of you happen to be my
biological father, I just want to
say I forgive you, daddy, for
leaving me and my mother when I was
a baby, and please feel free to
approach the cockpit so we can
enjoy whatever time we have left
together. This is your captain
speaking.
CO-CAPTAIN
Wow.
CAPTAIN
Pardon?
CO-CAPTAIN
Do you do that every time you fly a
plane?
CAPTAIN
Oh, yeah. People like to know the
temperature of where they're--
CO-CAPTAIN
No, not that. The father thing.
CAPTAIN
Oh, yeah. That's just something I
do. The odds of it ever yielding
any kind of--
ENTER OLD MAN.
OLD MAN
Son!!!
CAPTAIN
Dad!
CUE MONTAGE
SONG: CELINE DION - "BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME"
In slow motion, CAPTAIN gets out of his seat and embraces
the OLD MAN. They hug tearfully.
dissolve to:
INT. COCKPIT-DAY
CO-CAPTAIN is flying plane, and looking slightly annoyed
while CAPTAIN and OLD MAN play catch with a football.
dissolve to:
INT. COCKPIT-DAY
OLD MAN is teaching CAPTAIN how to ride bike. CAPTAIN keeps
falling and getting frustrated with himself.
dissolve to:
INT. COCKPIT-DAY
CAPTAIN is saying something into the PA. He looks over at
something and visibly mouths the words "OH MY GOD!" It is
the OLD MAN surprising him with a puppy. CAPTAIN throws
receiver down and hugs the puppy.
dissolve to:
INT. COCKPIT-DAY
FADE OUT MUSIC.
CAPTAIN
Be right back, Dad. I gotta a take
a leak.
CAPTAIN leaves.
CO-CAPTAIN
Sir, congratulations on re-uniting
with your son!
OLD MAN
Thank you, boy. I'm just glad
there's still time to make things
right.
CO-CAPTAIN
Yeah. Oh, by the way, we should be
landing soon, so you may want to
return to your cabin so we can--
OLD MAN
Are you trying to come between me
and my boy?
CO-CAPTAIN
What? No, I just--
OLD MAN lunges at CO-CAPTAIN and strangles him. The two
struggle as the plane rocks back and forth. CAPTAIN
returns.
CAPTAIN
What's going on here?
OLD MAN
(pointing to CO-CAPTAIN)
He's trying to come between us!
CAPTAIN
What?
CAPTAIN lunges at CO-CAPTAIN and strangles him. CO-CAPTAIN
dies. CAPTAIN and OLD MAN look at one another.
CUE LAST LINE OF "BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME."
The CAPTAIN and OLD MAN hug each other.
CUT TO:
EXT. PLANE-DAY
The plane crashes into a mountain and explodes.
END.
Monday, September 7, 2009
THE COMEBACK KING
EXT. CARNIVAL - DAY
DAVIS and RICH arrive outside tent.
DAVIS
Who is this guy again?
RICH
They call him the Comeback King.
How it works is, you insult him,
and then he insults you back! My
friend Gabe says he's hilarious!
BARKER
Step right up! Step right up! Who
dares approach the royal court of
the Comeback King of New Jersey!
Get zinged within an inch of your
life! Are you strong enough to
withstand his razor-sharp wit?
DAVIS and RICH hand the BARKER tickets.
BARKER (CONT'D)
Thank you, gentlemen. Okay, the
deal is simple. Hurl an insult at
the Comeback King, and he will
retort tenfold immediately with a
exhibition of mental and verbal
dexteritism that would send even
the most seasoned friar's club
comic into a psychological tailspin
of humiliation and defeat.
DAVIS
Let's do it!
BARKER escorts them in. He speaks into a mic.
BARKER
Hear ye, hear ye. All rise for the
venerable Comeback King of East
Orange, NJ.
BARKER waits for everyone to rise. They already are. He
presses play on a CD player. Majestic music plays.
THE COMEBACK KING enters. He is a mild mannered fellow, wearing a majestic robe and crown.
BARKER
Gentlemen, you may begin.
DAVIS
I'll go first. Hey, Comeback
King. Is that your face or did
your neck throw up?
COMEBACK KING
No, YOUR neck threw up! You're
ugly! BOOM!
BARKER hits gong.
BARKER
Hear ye, hear ye! Man zinged by
Comeback King Lives to Tell The
Tale! Film at eleven!
DAVIS
Wait, what?
RICH
Uh, that sucked.
BARKER
Protest all ye want, royal
townsfolk. There are no refunds
for battered egos or bruised
feelings. Who's next?
RICH
Watch this. Hey Comeback King, why
don't you get a REAL job?
COMEBACK KING
Newsflash: This IS a real job!
I've got the tax returns to prove
it! BOOYAH!
BARKER hits a gong.
BARKER
Gentleman, the royal first aid kit
is to your left, in case ye seek
post-diss medical attention!
DAVIS
I gotta admit, man. He got you
pretty good that time.
RICH
What the hell are you talking
about? No he didn't!
DAVIS
It's cool, I'll avenge you. Hey
Comeback King, your mom's like the
town bicycle! Everybody gets a
ride!
COMEBACK KING
(completely serious) Dude, why would you talk that way about
my mom?
BARKER hits a gong.
BARKER
Oh Comeback King, make it hurt so
good! Sometimes being zinged don't
feel like it should! (Hurt so
good!)
RICH
Okay, can we have our money back?
BARKER
What's the matter, gentlefolk?
Wanna make friends with the octopus
but can't stand being slapped
around a little by its royal testicles?
RICH
I think you mean tentacles.
BARKER
No, I mean testicles.
DAVIS
The problem is, this is powerfully lame.
BARKER
Oh really? Oh is that royally so?
Hey Comeback King, these two say
that you're lame. What do you have
to say about that?
COMEBACK KING
Maybe I am lame! But I'd rather be
lame... than disrespectful! HEY-O!
BARKER hits gong.
BARKER
OH! Hello! I'd consider an identity change if I
were you, because you two are NEVER
going to live that one down!
RICH
What are you talking about? There's
no one else even here.
BARKER
I meant among the 4 of us.
DAVIS
We're out of here.
BARKER
Farewell, Gentlemen. And try not
to go to sleep, just in case you
have a ZING-CUSSION!
RICH and DAVIS leave.
BARKER
What a couple a jerks, eh Comeback
King?
COMEBACK KING
"A couple a jerks!" Hey, that's
not bad at all. Can I use that?
BARKER
It's all yours, baby.
END.
alt ending:
RICH and DAVIS leave.
COMEBACK KING
So, how much did we make this time?
BARKER
6 each.
COMEBACK KING
all right! Hey wait a minute, we
can't pay rent with these! These
are carnival tickets!
BARKER
Ah! Foiled again!
END.
DAVIS and RICH arrive outside tent.
DAVIS
Who is this guy again?
RICH
They call him the Comeback King.
How it works is, you insult him,
and then he insults you back! My
friend Gabe says he's hilarious!
BARKER
Step right up! Step right up! Who
dares approach the royal court of
the Comeback King of New Jersey!
Get zinged within an inch of your
life! Are you strong enough to
withstand his razor-sharp wit?
DAVIS and RICH hand the BARKER tickets.
BARKER (CONT'D)
Thank you, gentlemen. Okay, the
deal is simple. Hurl an insult at
the Comeback King, and he will
retort tenfold immediately with a
exhibition of mental and verbal
dexteritism that would send even
the most seasoned friar's club
comic into a psychological tailspin
of humiliation and defeat.
DAVIS
Let's do it!
BARKER escorts them in. He speaks into a mic.
BARKER
Hear ye, hear ye. All rise for the
venerable Comeback King of East
Orange, NJ.
BARKER waits for everyone to rise. They already are. He
presses play on a CD player. Majestic music plays.
THE COMEBACK KING enters. He is a mild mannered fellow, wearing a majestic robe and crown.
BARKER
Gentlemen, you may begin.
DAVIS
I'll go first. Hey, Comeback
King. Is that your face or did
your neck throw up?
COMEBACK KING
No, YOUR neck threw up! You're
ugly! BOOM!
BARKER hits gong.
BARKER
Hear ye, hear ye! Man zinged by
Comeback King Lives to Tell The
Tale! Film at eleven!
DAVIS
Wait, what?
RICH
Uh, that sucked.
BARKER
Protest all ye want, royal
townsfolk. There are no refunds
for battered egos or bruised
feelings. Who's next?
RICH
Watch this. Hey Comeback King, why
don't you get a REAL job?
COMEBACK KING
Newsflash: This IS a real job!
I've got the tax returns to prove
it! BOOYAH!
BARKER hits a gong.
BARKER
Gentleman, the royal first aid kit
is to your left, in case ye seek
post-diss medical attention!
DAVIS
I gotta admit, man. He got you
pretty good that time.
RICH
What the hell are you talking
about? No he didn't!
DAVIS
It's cool, I'll avenge you. Hey
Comeback King, your mom's like the
town bicycle! Everybody gets a
ride!
COMEBACK KING
(completely serious) Dude, why would you talk that way about
my mom?
BARKER hits a gong.
BARKER
Oh Comeback King, make it hurt so
good! Sometimes being zinged don't
feel like it should! (Hurt so
good!)
RICH
Okay, can we have our money back?
BARKER
What's the matter, gentlefolk?
Wanna make friends with the octopus
but can't stand being slapped
around a little by its royal testicles?
RICH
I think you mean tentacles.
BARKER
No, I mean testicles.
DAVIS
The problem is, this is powerfully lame.
BARKER
Oh really? Oh is that royally so?
Hey Comeback King, these two say
that you're lame. What do you have
to say about that?
COMEBACK KING
Maybe I am lame! But I'd rather be
lame... than disrespectful! HEY-O!
BARKER hits gong.
BARKER
OH! Hello! I'd consider an identity change if I
were you, because you two are NEVER
going to live that one down!
RICH
What are you talking about? There's
no one else even here.
BARKER
I meant among the 4 of us.
DAVIS
We're out of here.
BARKER
Farewell, Gentlemen. And try not
to go to sleep, just in case you
have a ZING-CUSSION!
RICH and DAVIS leave.
BARKER
What a couple a jerks, eh Comeback
King?
COMEBACK KING
"A couple a jerks!" Hey, that's
not bad at all. Can I use that?
BARKER
It's all yours, baby.
END.
alt ending:
RICH and DAVIS leave.
COMEBACK KING
So, how much did we make this time?
BARKER
6 each.
COMEBACK KING
all right! Hey wait a minute, we
can't pay rent with these! These
are carnival tickets!
BARKER
Ah! Foiled again!
END.
Friday, September 4, 2009
MR. CHAUNCEY OUT FOR DINNER
INT. DINER - NIGHT
MR. CHAUNCEY sits alone at a table eating dinner. He is
wearing a bowler hat, glasses, a tweed jacket, and a bowtie.
MR. CHAUNCEY'S voice sounds like a self-pitying Edward G.
Robinson. He always sounds as if he's in a catastrophe, yet
never reacting nearly as strongly as someone in a
catastrophe would react. In other words, he is a passive
spectator to his own demise.
WAITER brings MR. CHAUNCEY the bill.
CHAUNCEY
Oh great, this is just great. I'm
eating my meal and then the check
comes! Oh, great! This is just
perfect! Just what I need! Yeah!
WAITER
Excuse me, sir. Is there a problem?
CHAUNCEY
Problem, why would there be a
problem? You bring me a nice a meal
and then you charge me for it! Why
would there be a problem? Oh this
is horrible. Oh woe is me!
WAITER
Well, generally that's how things
work when you're in a...
restaurant.
CHAUNCEY
Oh great, now this is a restaurant!
First you have me over for dinner
and now you're telling me it's an
eating establishment open to the
public! Oh this is great! This is
just what I need right now! Great!
WAITER
Umm well I have to go...serve other
customers...
CHAUNCEY
Oh, great. There are other suckers
just like me. Oh that's great to
know! Oh, this situation is worse
than I thought! This is horrible!
WAITER slowly backs away.
CHAUNCEY
Oh, great. After-dinner mints! Talk
about a nail in the coffin! Oh this
is just fantastic!
FELLOW CUSTOMER
Excuse me, I was just sitting over
there. I think you may have dropped
your wallet on the floor!
CHAUNCEY
Oh great, now my wallet's on the
floor! First it's in my pocket,
then all of a sudden it's on the
floor! Oh this is just a regular
Christmas miracle! This is great!
FELLOW CUSTOMER
Well... aren't you going to pick it
up?
CHAUNCEY
Oh now I have to pick it up! Oh
this is just great! This is
perfect! Oh Good Lord in Heaven,
what did I do to deserve this grave
misfortune?
Enter TWO POLICE OFFICERS.
POLICE OFFICER 1
Excuse me, are you Severance
Chauncey!
CHAUNCEY
Yeah, that's me! Is there a
problem, officers?
POLICE OFFICER 1
Well, I'm afraid so--
CHAUNCEY
Oh, great, this is just great! A
problem! Oh just when I thought
things couldn't get any worse! This
is perfect!
POLICE OFFICE
Well, you didn't let me finish.
See, I'm afraid your entire family
was just killed in a car accident.
I'm sorry.
CHAUNCEY
Oh this is just great! This is just
what I need! First the check comes,
then I drop my wallet, and now my
entire family is killed in a car
accident! Oh this is fantastic!
What a nightcap!
FELLOW CUSTOMER
Excuse me, I know that I'm not
involved in this situation at all,
but I find it odd that you reacted
to the news of dropping your wallet
on the floor with the exact same
level of emotion as the news that
your family had just been killed in
a car accident.
CHAUNCEY
Oh great! This is just great! First
my family is killed in a carwreck
and now a fellow customer is
pointing out my inability to vary
to the pitch or intensity of my
emotional reactions! Oh this is
just great! This is perfect! A
lovely end to a lovely evening! Oh
woe is me!
POLICE OFFICER 2
Hey, let me try something.
POLICE OFFICER 2 takes out a huge stack of money and places
it in front of CHAUNCEY.
CHAUNCEY
Oh great, a huge stack of free
money, just for me! Oh this is
great, this is just perfect! Oh
this must be my lucky day! Oh I
must have done something horrible
in a former life!
POLICE OFFICER 2 takes money away.
CHAUNCEY
Oh great, now the money's gone!
Easy come, easy go! Oh great! This
is just perfect!
POLICE OFFICER 2 puts the money back.
CHAUNCEY
Oh now it's back again! Oh this is
just great! A fair weather friend!
This is fantastic!
CHAUNCEY keeps talking and the other 3 shout over him.
POLICE OFFICER 1
Well, I'm bored.
POLICE OFFICER 2
Me too.
FELLOW CUSTOMER
Yeah the novelty of this ran out
long ago.
POLICE OFFICER 1
(to FELLOW CUSTOMER) Hey, you
look familiar!
POLICE OFFICER 2
Yeah! Do we know you from
somewhere?
FELLOW CUSTOMER
Yeah, you guys sent me to jail for
killing children 23 years ago! Just
got out yesterday!
POLICE OFFICER 1
Oh yeah! What's up, dude? How ya
been?
FELLOW CUSTOMER
Eh, I've been worse.
POLICE OFFICER 2
Wanna go get a beer and catch up?
FELLOW CUSTOMER
Eh, why not?
POLICE OFFICERS and FELLOW CUSTOMER leave.
CHAUNCEY
...and that's why I never leave the
house without mittens. Oh hey wait,
you forgot your fat wad o' cash! Oh
great, now what am I going to do
with all this money? Oh this is
just great. This is perfect! This
is exactly what I need right now!
Enter WAITER.
WAITER
Okay, we all done here?
WAITER picks up check along with huge stack of money.
WAITER
Thanks, and have a good night!
CHAUNCEY
Oh hey wait, I could use some of
that money! (PAUSE.) Oh this is
just great.
END.
MR. CHAUNCEY sits alone at a table eating dinner. He is
wearing a bowler hat, glasses, a tweed jacket, and a bowtie.
MR. CHAUNCEY'S voice sounds like a self-pitying Edward G.
Robinson. He always sounds as if he's in a catastrophe, yet
never reacting nearly as strongly as someone in a
catastrophe would react. In other words, he is a passive
spectator to his own demise.
WAITER brings MR. CHAUNCEY the bill.
CHAUNCEY
Oh great, this is just great. I'm
eating my meal and then the check
comes! Oh, great! This is just
perfect! Just what I need! Yeah!
WAITER
Excuse me, sir. Is there a problem?
CHAUNCEY
Problem, why would there be a
problem? You bring me a nice a meal
and then you charge me for it! Why
would there be a problem? Oh this
is horrible. Oh woe is me!
WAITER
Well, generally that's how things
work when you're in a...
restaurant.
CHAUNCEY
Oh great, now this is a restaurant!
First you have me over for dinner
and now you're telling me it's an
eating establishment open to the
public! Oh this is great! This is
just what I need right now! Great!
WAITER
Umm well I have to go...serve other
customers...
CHAUNCEY
Oh, great. There are other suckers
just like me. Oh that's great to
know! Oh, this situation is worse
than I thought! This is horrible!
WAITER slowly backs away.
CHAUNCEY
Oh, great. After-dinner mints! Talk
about a nail in the coffin! Oh this
is just fantastic!
FELLOW CUSTOMER
Excuse me, I was just sitting over
there. I think you may have dropped
your wallet on the floor!
CHAUNCEY
Oh great, now my wallet's on the
floor! First it's in my pocket,
then all of a sudden it's on the
floor! Oh this is just a regular
Christmas miracle! This is great!
FELLOW CUSTOMER
Well... aren't you going to pick it
up?
CHAUNCEY
Oh now I have to pick it up! Oh
this is just great! This is
perfect! Oh Good Lord in Heaven,
what did I do to deserve this grave
misfortune?
Enter TWO POLICE OFFICERS.
POLICE OFFICER 1
Excuse me, are you Severance
Chauncey!
CHAUNCEY
Yeah, that's me! Is there a
problem, officers?
POLICE OFFICER 1
Well, I'm afraid so--
CHAUNCEY
Oh, great, this is just great! A
problem! Oh just when I thought
things couldn't get any worse! This
is perfect!
POLICE OFFICE
Well, you didn't let me finish.
See, I'm afraid your entire family
was just killed in a car accident.
I'm sorry.
CHAUNCEY
Oh this is just great! This is just
what I need! First the check comes,
then I drop my wallet, and now my
entire family is killed in a car
accident! Oh this is fantastic!
What a nightcap!
FELLOW CUSTOMER
Excuse me, I know that I'm not
involved in this situation at all,
but I find it odd that you reacted
to the news of dropping your wallet
on the floor with the exact same
level of emotion as the news that
your family had just been killed in
a car accident.
CHAUNCEY
Oh great! This is just great! First
my family is killed in a carwreck
and now a fellow customer is
pointing out my inability to vary
to the pitch or intensity of my
emotional reactions! Oh this is
just great! This is perfect! A
lovely end to a lovely evening! Oh
woe is me!
POLICE OFFICER 2
Hey, let me try something.
POLICE OFFICER 2 takes out a huge stack of money and places
it in front of CHAUNCEY.
CHAUNCEY
Oh great, a huge stack of free
money, just for me! Oh this is
great, this is just perfect! Oh
this must be my lucky day! Oh I
must have done something horrible
in a former life!
POLICE OFFICER 2 takes money away.
CHAUNCEY
Oh great, now the money's gone!
Easy come, easy go! Oh great! This
is just perfect!
POLICE OFFICER 2 puts the money back.
CHAUNCEY
Oh now it's back again! Oh this is
just great! A fair weather friend!
This is fantastic!
CHAUNCEY keeps talking and the other 3 shout over him.
POLICE OFFICER 1
Well, I'm bored.
POLICE OFFICER 2
Me too.
FELLOW CUSTOMER
Yeah the novelty of this ran out
long ago.
POLICE OFFICER 1
(to FELLOW CUSTOMER) Hey, you
look familiar!
POLICE OFFICER 2
Yeah! Do we know you from
somewhere?
FELLOW CUSTOMER
Yeah, you guys sent me to jail for
killing children 23 years ago! Just
got out yesterday!
POLICE OFFICER 1
Oh yeah! What's up, dude? How ya
been?
FELLOW CUSTOMER
Eh, I've been worse.
POLICE OFFICER 2
Wanna go get a beer and catch up?
FELLOW CUSTOMER
Eh, why not?
POLICE OFFICERS and FELLOW CUSTOMER leave.
CHAUNCEY
...and that's why I never leave the
house without mittens. Oh hey wait,
you forgot your fat wad o' cash! Oh
great, now what am I going to do
with all this money? Oh this is
just great. This is perfect! This
is exactly what I need right now!
Enter WAITER.
WAITER
Okay, we all done here?
WAITER picks up check along with huge stack of money.
WAITER
Thanks, and have a good night!
CHAUNCEY
Oh hey wait, I could use some of
that money! (PAUSE.) Oh this is
just great.
END.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
DRUNK COP ATTEMPTS TO BUY 3 CANDELABRAS WHICH RESULTS IN THE DEVOURING OF THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF NEW YORK CITY BY MILLIONS OF TARANTULAS
INT. ANTIQUE STORE- DAY
DRUNK COP
3 of your finest candelabras,
please.
OLD MAN
I'm sorry, we're all out of
candelabras.
DRUNK COP draws and points gun at old man.
DRUNK COP
You lyin' to me?
OLD MAN
No, no sir, I am not.
DRUNK COP lowers gun, though still suspicious.
DRUNK COP
Okay.
DRUNK COP dials cellphone.
DRUNK COP
(phone) I'm sorry, baby,
they're all out of
candelabras.
GIRL ON PHONE
Who is this?
DRUNK COP scratches his nose with gun.
DRUNK COP
This is Jason. We talk on OKCupid
sometimes. My screen name is
ThickStuff64.
GIRL
Uhh, look, I don't know how you got
this number, but please, do not
call here ever again, okay?
GIRL hangs up. DRUNK COP hangs up.
DRUNK COP
(to OLD MAN) Must be on her period.
All right, all right, move it
along, nothing to see here.
OLD MAN
I work here.
DRUNK COP
Oh, right. Say, you wouldn't happen
to have 3 candelabras, would you?
OLD MAN
UH OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN!
OLD MAN pushes button marked "HERE WE GO AGAIN." This
releases millions of tarantulas that devour the two men,
followed by the entire population of New York City.
END.
DRUNK COP
3 of your finest candelabras,
please.
OLD MAN
I'm sorry, we're all out of
candelabras.
DRUNK COP draws and points gun at old man.
DRUNK COP
You lyin' to me?
OLD MAN
No, no sir, I am not.
DRUNK COP lowers gun, though still suspicious.
DRUNK COP
Okay.
DRUNK COP dials cellphone.
DRUNK COP
(phone) I'm sorry, baby,
they're all out of
candelabras.
GIRL ON PHONE
Who is this?
DRUNK COP scratches his nose with gun.
DRUNK COP
This is Jason. We talk on OKCupid
sometimes. My screen name is
ThickStuff64.
GIRL
Uhh, look, I don't know how you got
this number, but please, do not
call here ever again, okay?
GIRL hangs up. DRUNK COP hangs up.
DRUNK COP
(to OLD MAN) Must be on her period.
All right, all right, move it
along, nothing to see here.
OLD MAN
I work here.
DRUNK COP
Oh, right. Say, you wouldn't happen
to have 3 candelabras, would you?
OLD MAN
UH OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN!
OLD MAN pushes button marked "HERE WE GO AGAIN." This
releases millions of tarantulas that devour the two men,
followed by the entire population of New York City.
END.
NEMESIS
INT. RESTAURANT-DAY
DAVID and his wife, SHELLEY, are having lunch.
SHELLEY
Yeah, I don't know, I know Stanley
Kubrick's a genius. It's just,
anytime I watch "Eyes Wide Shut" I
can't not think, "This movie was
made by a douchebag."
DAVID
I guess, but all the greatest
directors are also the douchiest.
D.W. Griffith...
RAOUL, Man vaguely resembling Ming the Merciless from "Flash
Gordon" enters. (Or maybe he's just dressed in the exact
opposite colors of David.)
DAVID (CONT'D)
--oh shit.
SHELLEY
What?
DAVID
Don't look now, but my nemesis just
walked through the door.
SHELLEY
You have a nemesis?
DAVID
Well, not so much anymore. It was
mostly a college thing. It started
with a friendly rugby team rivalry
and just grew from there. We've
barely spoken to each other in the
past 5 years, save for a couple of
heated email wars. No, DON'T look.
Just pretend nothing's happening.
SHELLEY
Wow, a nemesis. I wonder if I have
a nemesis. There's Jane DiNado
from the office.
DAVID
No, Jane DiNado is a pest, NOT a
nemesis. Believe me, if you had a
nemesis, you'd know.
As this is happening, RAOUL seats himself at a table nearby
and peruses the menu. A waiter comes to take his order.
RAOUL
I'll have the half-cantaloupe,
with... a scoop of cottage cheese.
Yes, a scoop of cottage cheese
would be... delightful. Mwuha,
mwuHAHAHA!
DAVID
Ugh, he hasn't lost his touch.
That's exactly the opposite of what
I would have ordered.
RAOUL recognizes DAVID, and makes his way over to his tabel.
RAOUL
David! David is that you?
DAVID
Oh, hi there Raoul.
RAOUL
Ah, it IS you! Absolutely
cringe-worthy to see you.
DAVID
Thanks. You're looking despicable
as ever.
RAOUL
Oh well, I don't know about that.
And what have you been up to?
Still feeding your ill-informed,
bilious prose to the depraved,
Western-media machine?
DAVID
Yep, still writing for TV Guide.
And what about you, still peddling
your wares and siphoning money from
the weak and poor?
RAOUL
Why yes, I still am a barista. And
who praytell is your friend, here?
DAVID
This is my wife, Shelley. Shelley,
Raoul.
RAOUL and SHELLEY shake hands.
RAOUL
A pleasure. Congratulations,
David. I always knew you'd find
the right woman to assist you in
polluting civilization at large with your
filthy offspring.
SHELLEY
Heeey!
RAOUL
Oh, no, Madame, I mean that in the
most flattering way possible.
SHELLEY
Oh, all right...
RAOUL
Say, David. I don't suppose you're
free on Saturday. I'm attending a
poison-tipped swordfighting
competition and I still need a...
partner. Mwuha, MWHAHAHAHAHA.
DAVID
Oh, sorry, actually Shelley and I
had plans to go apple-picking. I'd
ask you to come, if I didn't loathe
you with every fiber of my earthly
being.
RAOUL
Believe me, I totally understand.
DAVID
Well, we better get going, but it
was awful running into you.
RAOUL
Likewise.
DAVID
We should, uh, keep in touch.
We're Facebook friends, right?
RAOUL
Of course. I wave my fist at your
profile every night.
DAVID
Wow....
RAOUL
Well, not EVERY night. More like
every week. Or whenever I get the
chance...
ENTER DRAKE, also bald and wearing a fu manchu mustache.
DRAKE
Raoul?
RAOUL
Drake!
DRAKE
Who's this?
RAOUL
Oh. Oh boy this is awkward. Drake,
this David, my former nemesis.
David, this is Drake, my... current
nemesis.
DAVID
Oh, you have a new nemesis?
RAOUL
Yeah. We've been hating each other
since January. It's pretty casual
actually.
DRAKE
Yeah, we're both still free to hate
other people.
RAOUL
Why? Is there a...problem?
DAVID
Oh, no. No, not at all. Well, see
ya!
DAVID and SHELLEY leave.
RAOUL
Great job, buddy. I think you
really made him jealous.
DRAKE takes off fake fu manchu mustache.
DRAKE
Whatever. Where's that fair trade
blend you promised me?
RAOUL
Right here.
RAOUL hands DRAKE a bag of coffee. RAOUL and DRAKE laugh
diabolically together.
END.
DAVID and his wife, SHELLEY, are having lunch.
SHELLEY
Yeah, I don't know, I know Stanley
Kubrick's a genius. It's just,
anytime I watch "Eyes Wide Shut" I
can't not think, "This movie was
made by a douchebag."
DAVID
I guess, but all the greatest
directors are also the douchiest.
D.W. Griffith...
RAOUL, Man vaguely resembling Ming the Merciless from "Flash
Gordon" enters. (Or maybe he's just dressed in the exact
opposite colors of David.)
DAVID (CONT'D)
--oh shit.
SHELLEY
What?
DAVID
Don't look now, but my nemesis just
walked through the door.
SHELLEY
You have a nemesis?
DAVID
Well, not so much anymore. It was
mostly a college thing. It started
with a friendly rugby team rivalry
and just grew from there. We've
barely spoken to each other in the
past 5 years, save for a couple of
heated email wars. No, DON'T look.
Just pretend nothing's happening.
SHELLEY
Wow, a nemesis. I wonder if I have
a nemesis. There's Jane DiNado
from the office.
DAVID
No, Jane DiNado is a pest, NOT a
nemesis. Believe me, if you had a
nemesis, you'd know.
As this is happening, RAOUL seats himself at a table nearby
and peruses the menu. A waiter comes to take his order.
RAOUL
I'll have the half-cantaloupe,
with... a scoop of cottage cheese.
Yes, a scoop of cottage cheese
would be... delightful. Mwuha,
mwuHAHAHA!
DAVID
Ugh, he hasn't lost his touch.
That's exactly the opposite of what
I would have ordered.
RAOUL recognizes DAVID, and makes his way over to his tabel.
RAOUL
David! David is that you?
DAVID
Oh, hi there Raoul.
RAOUL
Ah, it IS you! Absolutely
cringe-worthy to see you.
DAVID
Thanks. You're looking despicable
as ever.
RAOUL
Oh well, I don't know about that.
And what have you been up to?
Still feeding your ill-informed,
bilious prose to the depraved,
Western-media machine?
DAVID
Yep, still writing for TV Guide.
And what about you, still peddling
your wares and siphoning money from
the weak and poor?
RAOUL
Why yes, I still am a barista. And
who praytell is your friend, here?
DAVID
This is my wife, Shelley. Shelley,
Raoul.
RAOUL and SHELLEY shake hands.
RAOUL
A pleasure. Congratulations,
David. I always knew you'd find
the right woman to assist you in
polluting civilization at large with your
filthy offspring.
SHELLEY
Heeey!
RAOUL
Oh, no, Madame, I mean that in the
most flattering way possible.
SHELLEY
Oh, all right...
RAOUL
Say, David. I don't suppose you're
free on Saturday. I'm attending a
poison-tipped swordfighting
competition and I still need a...
partner. Mwuha, MWHAHAHAHAHA.
DAVID
Oh, sorry, actually Shelley and I
had plans to go apple-picking. I'd
ask you to come, if I didn't loathe
you with every fiber of my earthly
being.
RAOUL
Believe me, I totally understand.
DAVID
Well, we better get going, but it
was awful running into you.
RAOUL
Likewise.
DAVID
We should, uh, keep in touch.
We're Facebook friends, right?
RAOUL
Of course. I wave my fist at your
profile every night.
DAVID
Wow....
RAOUL
Well, not EVERY night. More like
every week. Or whenever I get the
chance...
ENTER DRAKE, also bald and wearing a fu manchu mustache.
DRAKE
Raoul?
RAOUL
Drake!
DRAKE
Who's this?
RAOUL
Oh. Oh boy this is awkward. Drake,
this David, my former nemesis.
David, this is Drake, my... current
nemesis.
DAVID
Oh, you have a new nemesis?
RAOUL
Yeah. We've been hating each other
since January. It's pretty casual
actually.
DRAKE
Yeah, we're both still free to hate
other people.
RAOUL
Why? Is there a...problem?
DAVID
Oh, no. No, not at all. Well, see
ya!
DAVID and SHELLEY leave.
RAOUL
Great job, buddy. I think you
really made him jealous.
DRAKE takes off fake fu manchu mustache.
DRAKE
Whatever. Where's that fair trade
blend you promised me?
RAOUL
Right here.
RAOUL hands DRAKE a bag of coffee. RAOUL and DRAKE laugh
diabolically together.
END.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
FAVORITE BATHROOM
INT. LIVING ROOM--NIGHT
DENNIS and SHERI are sitting on the floor, leaning against a couch, drinking wine. YOu can tell they haven't been dating a while because they are laughing and smiling.
DENNIS
Okay, your turn. Truth or dare.
SHERI
Mmmmm...truth!
DENNIS
Okay, what's the most embarrassing thing you've done in the past month?
SHERI
Oh boy. All right, remember last Wednesday when we went out for lunch, and I went to the bathroom, and I took forever to come out?
DENNIS
Yeah?
SHERI
Well, the truth is, I actually left the restaurant, and went two blocks over two another restaurant, that has like, my FAVORITE bathroom in the city. I always go out of my way to use that bathroom whenever I'm in SoHo.
DENNIS
Oh my god.
SHERI
What?
DENNIS
You are frickin' INSANE.
SHERI
(laughs) Oh come on, you've never developed a certain fondness for a bathroom?
DENNIS
No, but again, I'm not INSANE.
SHERI laughs.
INT. DENNIS' BEDROOM-NIGHT
SHERI and DENNIS are in bed. SHERI is asleep. DENNIS is awake. He gets up and looks through the doorway into his bathroom.
CUT TO:
A shot of his toilet.
DENNIS looks at toilet in disgust.
EXT. HIGHWAY--NIGHT
DENNIS speeds down the highway his car.
MUSIC: Ramones' "I WANNA BE SEDATED" (or rather, something like that but not that) plays over this shot, and the rest of the video.
CUT TO:
A map of the U.S. A red line marks DENNIS' trip from NY to California.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT--DAY
DENNIS parks his car, gets out, and approaches a dock with a big sign that reads "FERRY TO CHINA."
CUT TO:
DENNIS on ferry. He is rocking back in forth, signalling a need to go to the bathroom.
CUT TO MAP OF FERRY GOING TO CHINA.
EXT. CHINESE FERRY PORT-DAY
A Chinese limo driver is holding a sign marked "DENNIS." DENNIs waves to the man and they get into a black limo.
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
DENNIS rings doorbell. CHINESE family greets DENNIS. He returns their greeting, and signals to ask if he can use their bathroom. They respond affirmatively. He rushes into the house.
EXT. BACKYARD - DAY
DENNIS exits the back entrance of the house and rushes into a PORT-A-POTTY that the family keeps in their backyard. After a moment, he exits, tucking his shirt in. He begins to walk back to the limo, but then goes back, looks to see if anyone is watching, and gives the PORT-A-POTTY a small kiss.
CUT TO:
Wide shot, revealing 10 men online for this PORT-A-POTTY.
END.
DENNIS and SHERI are sitting on the floor, leaning against a couch, drinking wine. YOu can tell they haven't been dating a while because they are laughing and smiling.
DENNIS
Okay, your turn. Truth or dare.
SHERI
Mmmmm...truth!
DENNIS
Okay, what's the most embarrassing thing you've done in the past month?
SHERI
Oh boy. All right, remember last Wednesday when we went out for lunch, and I went to the bathroom, and I took forever to come out?
DENNIS
Yeah?
SHERI
Well, the truth is, I actually left the restaurant, and went two blocks over two another restaurant, that has like, my FAVORITE bathroom in the city. I always go out of my way to use that bathroom whenever I'm in SoHo.
DENNIS
Oh my god.
SHERI
What?
DENNIS
You are frickin' INSANE.
SHERI
(laughs) Oh come on, you've never developed a certain fondness for a bathroom?
DENNIS
No, but again, I'm not INSANE.
SHERI laughs.
INT. DENNIS' BEDROOM-NIGHT
SHERI and DENNIS are in bed. SHERI is asleep. DENNIS is awake. He gets up and looks through the doorway into his bathroom.
CUT TO:
A shot of his toilet.
DENNIS looks at toilet in disgust.
EXT. HIGHWAY--NIGHT
DENNIS speeds down the highway his car.
MUSIC: Ramones' "I WANNA BE SEDATED" (or rather, something like that but not that) plays over this shot, and the rest of the video.
CUT TO:
A map of the U.S. A red line marks DENNIS' trip from NY to California.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT--DAY
DENNIS parks his car, gets out, and approaches a dock with a big sign that reads "FERRY TO CHINA."
CUT TO:
DENNIS on ferry. He is rocking back in forth, signalling a need to go to the bathroom.
CUT TO MAP OF FERRY GOING TO CHINA.
EXT. CHINESE FERRY PORT-DAY
A Chinese limo driver is holding a sign marked "DENNIS." DENNIs waves to the man and they get into a black limo.
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
DENNIS rings doorbell. CHINESE family greets DENNIS. He returns their greeting, and signals to ask if he can use their bathroom. They respond affirmatively. He rushes into the house.
EXT. BACKYARD - DAY
DENNIS exits the back entrance of the house and rushes into a PORT-A-POTTY that the family keeps in their backyard. After a moment, he exits, tucking his shirt in. He begins to walk back to the limo, but then goes back, looks to see if anyone is watching, and gives the PORT-A-POTTY a small kiss.
CUT TO:
Wide shot, revealing 10 men online for this PORT-A-POTTY.
END.
GRAND PATRON
INT. DELIVERY ROOM
JANET, a 27-year-old woman, is having contractions. Around
her are TODD, her husband, DR. DRAPER, the obstetrician, and
NURSE KAREN, the nurse. The doctor and nurse are preparing
to deliver the baby, while the husband is videotaping the
proceedings.
JANET
Ow! Oh God, it hurts!
TODD
Don't worry, Honey, everything's
going to be all right.
DR. DRAPER
How far apart are the contractions?
NURSE KAREN
3 minutes.
DR. DRAPER
All right, let's give her 50 CC's
of Demerol.
NURSE administers Demerol.
DR. DRAPER
Okay, now Janet, on the count of
three, I want you to push as hard
as you can, okay?
JANET
Okay.
DR. DRAPER
One, two...
JANET
Wait! (Janet points.) Who is that?
DR. DRAPER
That's your husband.
JANET
No, not him. HIM!
JANET points across the room.
CUT TO: RIGHT SIDE OF ROOM
A suave, sophisticated, moustachioed PLAYBOY in his fifties
looks on. He is wearing a tuxedo, smoking a cigarette, and
sitting at the bar which is somehow also inside this
operating room. He is eating from a big bowl of popcorn and
looking on at the childbirth with curiosity.
DR. DRAPER
Ah, that's Thomas DesRoches. He's
the grand patron of this hospital.
JANET
What's he doing here?
DR. DRAPER
He's watching.
TODD
Well, can you tell him to leave?
DR. DRAPER
Oh, I'm afraid not. Monsieur
DesRoches has a certain... stubborn
fascination with the miracle of
childbirth. Me asking him to leave
would be the equivalent of striking
a match, and burning this entire
hospital to the ground. Now on the
count of three, I want you to push
as hard as you can. One, two,
three!
JANET pushes and screams.
cut to: right side of room
DESROCHES is surrounded by wealthy friends. They are all
exchanging money and slips of paper.
JANET
What the hell is going on?
DR. DRAPER
Oh, your cervix is dilated--
JANET
No, over there!
DR. DRAPER
Oh, Monsieur DesRoches and the
other hospital patrons are betting
on whether your child will be a boy
or a girl.
JANET
What?! Todd, can you go over there
and do something?
TODD
Of course.
TODD walks over and talks to the hospital patrons. He comes
back.
JANET
What did you say to them?
TODD
I put fifty bucks on "girl."
JANET
Todd!
TODD
Well why not? We already had the
ultrasound!
While this is happening, DesRoches whispers something to the
BARTENDER. The BARTENDER walks across the room to JANET.
BARTENDER
Pardon me. Sorry to interrupt, but
Monsieur DesRoches wants to know if
he can buy the lady a glass of
champagne to celebrate this
momentous occasion.
TODD
What?
JANET
What the--? I'm the MIDDLE OF
GIVING BIRTH, YOU IDIOT!
BARTENDER
So, perhaps the champagne can wait
until later then?
DR. DRAPER
I think that would be best, Bruno.
BARTENDER
Of course. Salud.
BARTENDER goes back to bar. Whispers something to
DesRoches. DesRoches nods thoughtfully.
DR. DRAPER
OK, Janet, now, the baby's head it
clear. So when I say push, I want
you to push is hard as you can. OK,
push.
JANET screams. Suddenly the song "EVERYBODY HAVE FUN
TONIGHT" by Wang Chung is heard. JANET looks around to see
where it's coming from.
CUT TO:
DesRoches next to Jukebox. He has just put a quarter in for
this song. He and the other patrons begin dancing to this
song and doing shots.
Meanwhilel, doctor delivers baby. He hands it to JANET.
CUT TO:
Hospital patrons. One of them is chugging a beer, while the
others chant "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" He finishes, pauses for a
moment, and then immediately looks as though he is going to
vomit. Out of ideas, he runs across the room, picks up
Janet's baby, and vomits all over it.
JANET
No!!!!
Vomiting hospital patron looks at camera and shrugs.
DESROCHES
(to camera)
Hi. My name is Thomas DesRoches,
grand patron at St. Luke's Memorial
Hospital. Did you know that
millionaires vomiting on newborn
babies is the number one source of
infant trauma in the U.S.? It's
true. So please, give generously
to your local hospital, so places
like this won't be quite so
dependent... on people like me.
Thank you, and good night. Oh, and
if you're interested in coming to
the afterparty for this thing,
we'll be at Frank's, an adorable
little piano bar on the Upper East
Side. Smooches.
V.O.
Paid for by the Remorseful Vomiting
Millionaire Association of America.
END.
JANET, a 27-year-old woman, is having contractions. Around
her are TODD, her husband, DR. DRAPER, the obstetrician, and
NURSE KAREN, the nurse. The doctor and nurse are preparing
to deliver the baby, while the husband is videotaping the
proceedings.
JANET
Ow! Oh God, it hurts!
TODD
Don't worry, Honey, everything's
going to be all right.
DR. DRAPER
How far apart are the contractions?
NURSE KAREN
3 minutes.
DR. DRAPER
All right, let's give her 50 CC's
of Demerol.
NURSE administers Demerol.
DR. DRAPER
Okay, now Janet, on the count of
three, I want you to push as hard
as you can, okay?
JANET
Okay.
DR. DRAPER
One, two...
JANET
Wait! (Janet points.) Who is that?
DR. DRAPER
That's your husband.
JANET
No, not him. HIM!
JANET points across the room.
CUT TO: RIGHT SIDE OF ROOM
A suave, sophisticated, moustachioed PLAYBOY in his fifties
looks on. He is wearing a tuxedo, smoking a cigarette, and
sitting at the bar which is somehow also inside this
operating room. He is eating from a big bowl of popcorn and
looking on at the childbirth with curiosity.
DR. DRAPER
Ah, that's Thomas DesRoches. He's
the grand patron of this hospital.
JANET
What's he doing here?
DR. DRAPER
He's watching.
TODD
Well, can you tell him to leave?
DR. DRAPER
Oh, I'm afraid not. Monsieur
DesRoches has a certain... stubborn
fascination with the miracle of
childbirth. Me asking him to leave
would be the equivalent of striking
a match, and burning this entire
hospital to the ground. Now on the
count of three, I want you to push
as hard as you can. One, two,
three!
JANET pushes and screams.
cut to: right side of room
DESROCHES is surrounded by wealthy friends. They are all
exchanging money and slips of paper.
JANET
What the hell is going on?
DR. DRAPER
Oh, your cervix is dilated--
JANET
No, over there!
DR. DRAPER
Oh, Monsieur DesRoches and the
other hospital patrons are betting
on whether your child will be a boy
or a girl.
JANET
What?! Todd, can you go over there
and do something?
TODD
Of course.
TODD walks over and talks to the hospital patrons. He comes
back.
JANET
What did you say to them?
TODD
I put fifty bucks on "girl."
JANET
Todd!
TODD
Well why not? We already had the
ultrasound!
While this is happening, DesRoches whispers something to the
BARTENDER. The BARTENDER walks across the room to JANET.
BARTENDER
Pardon me. Sorry to interrupt, but
Monsieur DesRoches wants to know if
he can buy the lady a glass of
champagne to celebrate this
momentous occasion.
TODD
What?
JANET
What the--? I'm the MIDDLE OF
GIVING BIRTH, YOU IDIOT!
BARTENDER
So, perhaps the champagne can wait
until later then?
DR. DRAPER
I think that would be best, Bruno.
BARTENDER
Of course. Salud.
BARTENDER goes back to bar. Whispers something to
DesRoches. DesRoches nods thoughtfully.
DR. DRAPER
OK, Janet, now, the baby's head it
clear. So when I say push, I want
you to push is hard as you can. OK,
push.
JANET screams. Suddenly the song "EVERYBODY HAVE FUN
TONIGHT" by Wang Chung is heard. JANET looks around to see
where it's coming from.
CUT TO:
DesRoches next to Jukebox. He has just put a quarter in for
this song. He and the other patrons begin dancing to this
song and doing shots.
Meanwhilel, doctor delivers baby. He hands it to JANET.
CUT TO:
Hospital patrons. One of them is chugging a beer, while the
others chant "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" He finishes, pauses for a
moment, and then immediately looks as though he is going to
vomit. Out of ideas, he runs across the room, picks up
Janet's baby, and vomits all over it.
JANET
No!!!!
Vomiting hospital patron looks at camera and shrugs.
DESROCHES
(to camera)
Hi. My name is Thomas DesRoches,
grand patron at St. Luke's Memorial
Hospital. Did you know that
millionaires vomiting on newborn
babies is the number one source of
infant trauma in the U.S.? It's
true. So please, give generously
to your local hospital, so places
like this won't be quite so
dependent... on people like me.
Thank you, and good night. Oh, and
if you're interested in coming to
the afterparty for this thing,
we'll be at Frank's, an adorable
little piano bar on the Upper East
Side. Smooches.
V.O.
Paid for by the Remorseful Vomiting
Millionaire Association of America.
END.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Only 3 days till National Sketch Writing Month!
Wow, I can't believe it is almost here! I am loading up on carbs as we speak! That's what comedy writers do, right?
Sunday, October 12, 2008
THE CORN COB KING
LIGHTS UP on CRIMINY J. BIMINY, a bearded man wearing a rain slicker. He smokes a Corn Cob pipe.
CRIMINY
Hello, my name is Criminy J. Biminy, but ‘round these parts they know me as... The Corn Cob King.
TWO MEN OPEN DOORS FROM BEHIND CRIMINY, LEAN FORTH, AND SING.
TWO MEN
He’s the Corn Cob King,
He’s the Corn Cob King,
He’s the Corn Cob Kiiiing…
EXIT MEN.
CRIMINY
The first moonlanding was staged in an Arby’s in New Mexico, 9/11 is the product of a Mormon Conspiracy, and JFK was shot by none other than Mr. Andy Warhol himself. If you enjoy learning about these and other kooky conspiracy theories, come on down to the Corn Cob Warehouse, just 2 miles past Waterville, Maine on the interstate! We’ve got everything for your corn-related needs, cob-related needs, and everything in between!
TWO MEN OPEN DOORS FROM BEHIND CRIMINY, LEAN FORTH, AND SING.
TWO MEN
He’s the Corn Cob King,
He’s got everything,
We mean everythiiiing…
SECOND MAN
Parentheses wink!
CRIMINY
What does the perfect woman look like? Three breasts, no mouth, and a uterus that also functions as a beer cozy! If you enjoy this and other slightly unsettling misogynistic jokes, then come on down to the Corn Cob Furniture Outlet and Showroom, just off Route 8 in Portsmouth, NH. We offer affordable, stylish furniture, made entirely out of dried corn cobs! Corn Cob Furniture: We’ve Cornered The Market on Low, Low Prices!
TWO MEN
He’s the Corn Cob King,
Boy, we love to sing,
He’s the Corn Cob Kiiiing…
CRIMINY
What has six windows, one engine, and will never know true happiness? Answer: My Honda Civic. If you enjoy this and other hastily written riddles, call me! Let’s hang out or something! Do you like movie trivia? I do!
TWO MEN
1-800-CornCobKing,
Call the Corn Cob King,
Call the Corn Cob Kiiiing…
CRIMINY
What about you guys? Doing anything later? Wanna get a drink?
FIRST MAN
Uh, I think I’m busy later. Sorry Corn Cob King.
SECOND MAN
Yeah, uh… me too.
THEY RETREAT BEHIND DOORS ONCE MORE. CRIMINY SIGHS.
CRIMINY
It’s lonely at the top.
BLACKOUT.
CRIMINY
Hello, my name is Criminy J. Biminy, but ‘round these parts they know me as... The Corn Cob King.
TWO MEN OPEN DOORS FROM BEHIND CRIMINY, LEAN FORTH, AND SING.
TWO MEN
He’s the Corn Cob King,
He’s the Corn Cob King,
He’s the Corn Cob Kiiiing…
EXIT MEN.
CRIMINY
The first moonlanding was staged in an Arby’s in New Mexico, 9/11 is the product of a Mormon Conspiracy, and JFK was shot by none other than Mr. Andy Warhol himself. If you enjoy learning about these and other kooky conspiracy theories, come on down to the Corn Cob Warehouse, just 2 miles past Waterville, Maine on the interstate! We’ve got everything for your corn-related needs, cob-related needs, and everything in between!
TWO MEN OPEN DOORS FROM BEHIND CRIMINY, LEAN FORTH, AND SING.
TWO MEN
He’s the Corn Cob King,
He’s got everything,
We mean everythiiiing…
SECOND MAN
Parentheses wink!
CRIMINY
What does the perfect woman look like? Three breasts, no mouth, and a uterus that also functions as a beer cozy! If you enjoy this and other slightly unsettling misogynistic jokes, then come on down to the Corn Cob Furniture Outlet and Showroom, just off Route 8 in Portsmouth, NH. We offer affordable, stylish furniture, made entirely out of dried corn cobs! Corn Cob Furniture: We’ve Cornered The Market on Low, Low Prices!
TWO MEN
He’s the Corn Cob King,
Boy, we love to sing,
He’s the Corn Cob Kiiiing…
CRIMINY
What has six windows, one engine, and will never know true happiness? Answer: My Honda Civic. If you enjoy this and other hastily written riddles, call me! Let’s hang out or something! Do you like movie trivia? I do!
TWO MEN
1-800-CornCobKing,
Call the Corn Cob King,
Call the Corn Cob Kiiiing…
CRIMINY
What about you guys? Doing anything later? Wanna get a drink?
FIRST MAN
Uh, I think I’m busy later. Sorry Corn Cob King.
SECOND MAN
Yeah, uh… me too.
THEY RETREAT BEHIND DOORS ONCE MORE. CRIMINY SIGHS.
CRIMINY
It’s lonely at the top.
BLACKOUT.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
REPOWER AMERICA
LIGHTS UP on the office of the SECRETARY of CONGRESSMAN LEHIGH.
PHONE RINGS. SECRETARY PICKS UP.
SECRETARY
Congressman Lehigh’s office.
CALLER 1 (V.O.)
Hi, I’m calling because I’d like to Repower America. By “Repower America”, I mean develop clean and renewable sources of energy such as solar power and windmills. Such a transition would not only end our dependence on foreign oil, which has resulted in not only price gouging at the gas pump, but also a war that has killed thousands of American troops. However, we cannot act without the proper legislation; that’s why Congressman Lehigh must “Yes” to the upcoming clean energy bill.
SECRETARY
Okay, I’ll pass that message along. Thanks.
CALLER 1 (V.O.)
Thank you. You have a good day.
SECRETARY HANGS UP. PHONE RINGS AGAIN. SECRETARY PICKS UP.
SECRETARY
Congressman Lehigh’s office.
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Hi, is this, uh… is this Congress?
SECRETARY
This is… Congressman Lehigh’s office.
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Oh, uh, okay. I’m, uh, calling because I want to, uh, like… Re-uh-power, Repower America?
SECRETARY
…okay?
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Sorry, I just woke up. [COUGHS LOUDLY] B-by “Repower America,” I mean, um, developing clean and—let me scroll down here…—shit! I clicked out of the window. Hold on a second.
PAUSE. CALLER 2 CLEARS SINUSES. SPITS.
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Gmail.com, okay… Come on you piece a shit. Sorry, one minute. Okay, there we go. Sorry. Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, uh, solar power and windmills.
SECRETARY
What about solar power and w—
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
--are important to ending this nation’s war with Iraq… You know?
SECRETARY
I…sort of?
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
America has had this dependence on foreign oil, and that’s why we’re… in the Middle East. So like, the more windmills we have… [LONG PAUSE.] We just…. We can’t end this war without windmills.
SECRETARY
Okay sir, well thank you for your call—
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Also price gouging?
PAUSE.
SECRETARY
Yes?
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Is bad. Especially at the gas pump, where millions of Armenians, sorry, Americans, are victims of it. At the gas pump.
SECRETARY
Great, I’ll pass that message on to—
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
That’s why Congressman…
SECRETARY
Lehigh.
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Must vote yes.
SECRETARY
To clean energy.
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Right! Bingo. Bingo Gazingo.
SECRETARY
Okay, I’ll be sure to pass that message on.
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Okay. Oh, do you need my email address or something like that?
SECRETARY
Why would I need that?
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
To confirm that the Congressman got the message.
SECRETARY
No, that’s not really nec—
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
--It’s RAZMATAZZ58@GMAIL.COM. 2 Z’s. Got that?
SECRETARY
Yyyou betcha. Well thanks for calling.
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
I’d also like a written confirmation that the Congressman received the message.
SECRETARY
Written?
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
That’s, uh, just what it says in the email here. I want it written; written and…notarized. My address is—
SECRETARY HANGS UP. PHONE RINGS AGAIN. SECRETARY PICKS UP.
SECRETARY
Congressman Lehigh’s office.
CALLER 3 (female V.O.)
Hi.
SECRETARY
How may I help you today.
CALLER 3 (V.O.)
I like… windmills?
SECRETARY
I’ll pass that message on to the Congressman, thanks.
CALLER 3 (V.O.)
I—
SECRETARY HANGS UP. ENTER CONGRESSMAN.
CONGRESSMAN
Hey Carol, any messages?
SECRETARY
Yes. Your wife called. You’re having lambchops for dinner.
CONGRESSMAN
Yum!
BLACKOUT.
PHONE RINGS. SECRETARY PICKS UP.
SECRETARY
Congressman Lehigh’s office.
CALLER 1 (V.O.)
Hi, I’m calling because I’d like to Repower America. By “Repower America”, I mean develop clean and renewable sources of energy such as solar power and windmills. Such a transition would not only end our dependence on foreign oil, which has resulted in not only price gouging at the gas pump, but also a war that has killed thousands of American troops. However, we cannot act without the proper legislation; that’s why Congressman Lehigh must “Yes” to the upcoming clean energy bill.
SECRETARY
Okay, I’ll pass that message along. Thanks.
CALLER 1 (V.O.)
Thank you. You have a good day.
SECRETARY HANGS UP. PHONE RINGS AGAIN. SECRETARY PICKS UP.
SECRETARY
Congressman Lehigh’s office.
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Hi, is this, uh… is this Congress?
SECRETARY
This is… Congressman Lehigh’s office.
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Oh, uh, okay. I’m, uh, calling because I want to, uh, like… Re-uh-power, Repower America?
SECRETARY
…okay?
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Sorry, I just woke up. [COUGHS LOUDLY] B-by “Repower America,” I mean, um, developing clean and—let me scroll down here…—shit! I clicked out of the window. Hold on a second.
PAUSE. CALLER 2 CLEARS SINUSES. SPITS.
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Gmail.com, okay… Come on you piece a shit. Sorry, one minute. Okay, there we go. Sorry. Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, uh, solar power and windmills.
SECRETARY
What about solar power and w—
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
--are important to ending this nation’s war with Iraq… You know?
SECRETARY
I…sort of?
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
America has had this dependence on foreign oil, and that’s why we’re… in the Middle East. So like, the more windmills we have… [LONG PAUSE.] We just…. We can’t end this war without windmills.
SECRETARY
Okay sir, well thank you for your call—
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Also price gouging?
PAUSE.
SECRETARY
Yes?
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Is bad. Especially at the gas pump, where millions of Armenians, sorry, Americans, are victims of it. At the gas pump.
SECRETARY
Great, I’ll pass that message on to—
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
That’s why Congressman…
SECRETARY
Lehigh.
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Must vote yes.
SECRETARY
To clean energy.
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Right! Bingo. Bingo Gazingo.
SECRETARY
Okay, I’ll be sure to pass that message on.
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Okay. Oh, do you need my email address or something like that?
SECRETARY
Why would I need that?
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
To confirm that the Congressman got the message.
SECRETARY
No, that’s not really nec—
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
--It’s RAZMATAZZ58@GMAIL.COM. 2 Z’s. Got that?
SECRETARY
Yyyou betcha. Well thanks for calling.
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
I’d also like a written confirmation that the Congressman received the message.
SECRETARY
Written?
CALLER 2 (V.O.)
That’s, uh, just what it says in the email here. I want it written; written and…notarized. My address is—
SECRETARY HANGS UP. PHONE RINGS AGAIN. SECRETARY PICKS UP.
SECRETARY
Congressman Lehigh’s office.
CALLER 3 (female V.O.)
Hi.
SECRETARY
How may I help you today.
CALLER 3 (V.O.)
I like… windmills?
SECRETARY
I’ll pass that message on to the Congressman, thanks.
CALLER 3 (V.O.)
I—
SECRETARY HANGS UP. ENTER CONGRESSMAN.
CONGRESSMAN
Hey Carol, any messages?
SECRETARY
Yes. Your wife called. You’re having lambchops for dinner.
CONGRESSMAN
Yum!
BLACKOUT.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
QUEENS: WHERE YOU GO TO DISAPPEAR
NOTE: Thanks to Dave Fox and Mary Regan for inspiring this sketch.
Also, this is Sketch #30. I went on vacation last week and I haven't had a chance to type up the 6 sketches I wrote longhand. I will do that by the end of the week. In any event, I would like thank to all of you who actually read any of this junk! So, thanks!
--
LIGHTS UP PRIVATE OFFICE OF MR. PHILMORE. MR. PHILMORE IS AT HIS DESK. FILLING OUT A FORM.
SECRETARY (intercom)
Mr. Philmore?
MR. PHILMORE
YES Dolores?
SECRETARY
Your 3 o'clock, David Gellar, is here to see you.
PHILMORE
Thanks, Dolores. Send him in.
ENTER DAVID GELLAR. HE IS A SHORT, SLIGHT, RATHER MEEK MAN. HE WEARS JEANS AND A SWEATSHIRT.
GELLAR
Hello?
PHILMORE
Mr. Gellar, please. Have a seat.
GELLAR SITS.
PHILMORE
So, what brings you to Queens today?
GELLAR
Oh, well, uh, I'd like to move here.
PHILMORE
You'd like to move to...Qu-...?
GELLAR
Queens.
PHILMORE
Queens?
GELLAR
Yes.
PHILMORE
THIS Queens? Queens, NY? The burough.
GELLAR
Yes.
PHILMORE
Interesting.
PHILMORE SCRIBBLES DOWN NOTES.
PHILMORE
And why is that?
GELLAR
Oh, you know... it's a... nice place...
PHILMORE SNICKERS QUIETLY.
GELLAR
...to live?
PHILMORE
Right.
[Pause.]
But seriously, why do you want to move to Queens?
GELLAR
I just need to disappear for a while. Take myself off the map. Y'know.
PHILMORE
Mixed up in anything illegal?
GELLAR
Does it matter?
PHILMORE
Not necessarily.
GELLAR
No, nothing outside of a couple of parking tickets. Mostly just... a philandering wife. Fooling around with my best friend. The worst part is, my entire circle of friends knew about it, but no one could bring themselves to tell me about it. Had to find out for myself.
PHILMORE
Ah, so you lived in DUMBO?
GELLAR
Yeah, how'd you--?
PHILMORE
I've seen enough of these cases to know. All right, you can move to Queens. You'll be staying in a first floor rennovated studio in Sunnyside Gardens.
PHILMORE hands GELLAR a set of keys.
GELLAR
Sunnyside, not bad!
PHILMORE
You new name is Herbie Sanchez Villalobos.
PHILMORE hands GELLAR a fake moustache.
PHILMORE
You're a 36-year-old self-proclaimed bachelor for life. Your star sign is Libra. You have an affinity for the works of James Michener, Salvador Dali, and on sometimes in the middle of the night, you can't sleep, so you walk the streets and feed pieces of tunafish to feral cats. Got that?
GELLAR
Yep.
GELLAR PUTS ON MOUSTACHE.
GELLAR (cont'd)
How do I look?
PHILMORE
Like a million bucks. Now scram. We never spoke.
GELLAR
Got it.
GELLAR gets up and heads to the door.
PHILMORE
Oh, and one more thing.
GELLAR
What?
PHILMORE
Most people who move to Queens never leave.
GELLAR
Well that's a chance I'm willing to take.
PHILMORE
GOod luck.
GELLAR nods. He pulls his sweatshirt's hood over his head, puts on sunglasses, and exits.
PHILMORE shakes head, lights cigarette, and puts feet on desk.
GELLAR
Poor bastard.
BLACKOUT.
THE HALLOWEEN SKETCH
DOORBELL RINGS. HUSBAND AND WIFE SIT ON COUCH. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
Wife: Fine, I'll get it.
WIFE GETS UP AND OPENS DOOR.
Wife: Well HELLo there! Don't you two look cute!
Kids: (sing-songy) Trick or treat
Smell my feet
Give us something good to eat.
If you don't
We don't care
We'll pull down you're underwear.
Wife: Now that's not a very nice thing to say. I'm sorry, kids, but we're all out of candy.
Kids: (sing-songy) Trick or treat,
Lick my poop
Give us something good to chew.
If you don't
Then oh well,
We'll make your life a living hell.
Husband: What the-?
Wife: Excuse ME? Now how do you plan on doing that?
Kids: (sing-songy) Trick or treat,
We know things.
Pause.
wife: And praytell, just what is it that you know?
Kids: Trick or treat
Curds and wheat
Give us something fun to eat.
If you don't
On this occasion,
We'll report you for tax evasion.
Wife: Wait, how did you--
Husband: They're bluffing.
Wife: Are you sure, Harold?
Husband: They don't have anything to go on.
Kids: (sing-songy) Trick or treat.
Yes we do.
We hacked into to your home wireless network.
Wife: Harold, you better run down to the drug store and get some candy.
Husband: No, I'm not going anywhere. I don't like being pushed around by two sugar-crazy kids.
Wife: Harold.
Husband: What happens if we don't cooperate?
Kids: If you don't,
We could care less.
We'll just call the IRS.
Wife: Harold, this could ruin us.
Pause.
Husband: Fine!
HUSBAND PUTS ON JACKET.
Husband: What kind of candy do you like?
KID 1: Peanut M&M's.
KID 2: And plain. Plain M&M's.
Husband: Plain and peanut, got it. (mumbling) ...little shits.
HUSBAND STORMS OUT.
WIFE AND KIDS STAND AROUND AWKWARDLY.
Wife: So, who are you both supposed to be?
Kids: Mussolini and Hitler.
BLACKOUT.
STARTING OVER
INT. OFFICE - DAY
TWO DUDES ARE IN AN OFFICE, FILING. THEIR BOSS STANDS OVER THEM, POINTING TO A STACK OF FOLDERS.
BOSS
Now Dudes, I want all this filing done by 3 O'clock.
BOSS EXITS.
DUDE 1
This sucks!
DUDE 2
Hell yeah it does!
DUDE 1
Hey, I know! Let's quit this crap job, move to the Carribean, and start new lives!
DUDE
Let's DO IT!
THEY HIGH FIVE.
CUT TO TITLE:
2 days later.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
TWO DUDES IN AN OFFICE. THE BOSS STANDS OVER THEM. HE IS WEARING A LEI AND HULA SKIRT.
BOSS
Aloha, Dudes. Now, I want all these coconuts filed by 3 o'clock.
BOSS POINTS TO PILE OF COCONUTS ON THE FLOOR OF THE OFFICE. BOSS EXITS.
DUDE 1
WE DID IT!
DUDE 2
HELL YEAH WE DID!
THE TWO DUDES HIGH-FIVE, AND PROCEED TO START FILING COCONUTS.
BLACKOUT.
SAVING FOR RETIREMENT, WITH THE SIMPLE GOATHERDER
SAVING FOR RETIREMENT, WITH THE SIMPLE GOATHERDER (PART I)
TITLE- SAVING FOR RETIREMENT
with the Simple Goatherder
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And now, Saving for Retirement with the Simple Goatherder.
CUT TO:
EXT. FIELD - DAY
SIMPLE GOATHERDER, a skinny man with a dirty face and peasant clothes, stands in front of a HERD OF GOATS.
SIMPLE GOATHERDER
401k contribution is like nipple of mother Goat.
CUT TO:
Shot of baby goats suckling at their mother's teat.
SIMPLE GOATHERDER (V.0.)
Fallow period must occur, lest the nipple become sore, chapped, or infected.
CUT BACK TO SIMPLE GOATHERDER.
NARRATOR
This has been, Saving for Retirement with the Simple Goatherder.
BLACKOUT.
--
SAVING FOR RETIREMENT, WITH THE SIMPLE GOATHERDER (PART II)
INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
PRESIDENT SARAH PALIN IS AT HER DESK. SHE IS WATCHING SOMETHING ON HER LAPTOP, WITH HEADPHONES PLUGGED IN.
AN AIDE ENTERS. SHE REMOVES HEADPHONES.
AIDE
President Palin, have you chosen a Secretary of Treasury?
PALIN
You betcha!
PRESIDENT PALIN PULLS THE HEADPHONE JACK OUT OF HER LAPTOP. WE HEAR THE AUDIO FROM ITS SPEAKERS.
NARRATOR
"This has been Saving for Retirement, with the Simple Goatherder."
PALIN
Get me that guy!
BLACKOUT.
KANGA-WHO?
LIGHTS UP on TEDDY and FRANKIE. They are sitting at a kitchen table.
TEDDY
...so then the Archduke Bishop says to the bumble bee: "Kanga-who?"
FRANKIE VOMITS.
TEDDY
Hm. I must have told it wrong.
BLACKOUT.
TEDDY
...so then the Archduke Bishop says to the bumble bee: "Kanga-who?"
FRANKIE VOMITS.
TEDDY
Hm. I must have told it wrong.
BLACKOUT.
Monday, September 29, 2008
WINGDINGS ARE FOREVER
THIS SKETCH IS EXECUTED IN THE STYLE OF THOSE OLD DE BEERS DIAMOND COMMERCIALS.
MUSIC – CANON IN D.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
SILHOUETTE OF A COUPLE AT A TABLE LOOKING INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES.
FADE TO:
WHITE TITLES SUPERIMPOSED OVER BLACK:
NARRATOR
When was the last time…
You typed the letter “Y”, and it came out as “Hourglass”?
FADE TO:
“[WINGDINGS HOURGLASS SYMBOL]”
FADE TO:
SILHOUETTE OF COUPLE HOLDING HANDS.
FADE TO:
WHITE TITLES SUPERIMPOSED OVER BLACK.
NARRATOR
When was the last time…
You typed a “2”, and it came out A-OK?
FADE TO:
“[WINGDINGS A-OK SYMBOL]”
FADE TO:
SILHOUETTE OF COUPLE BUILDING A SNOWMAN TOGETHER.
FADE TO:
WHITE TITLES SUPERIMPOSED OVER BLACK:
NARRATOR
When was the last time…
You told her “I Love You,” and it came out as “PEACE SIGN, HAPPYFACE, TELEPHONE, FLOPPY DISK, MAILBOX, STAR OF DAVID, YIN YANG, CHERRY BOMB, READING GLASSES?”
FADE TO:
Aforementioned Wingdings symbols.
FADE TO:
COUPLE EMBRACING.
FADE TO:
WHITE TITLES SUPERIMPOSED OVER BLACK.
NARRATOR
Fonts come and go, but Wingdings are forever.
FADE TO:
TITLE:
www.wingdingsareforever.com.
END.
MUSIC – CANON IN D.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
SILHOUETTE OF A COUPLE AT A TABLE LOOKING INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES.
FADE TO:
WHITE TITLES SUPERIMPOSED OVER BLACK:
NARRATOR
When was the last time…
You typed the letter “Y”, and it came out as “Hourglass”?
FADE TO:
“[WINGDINGS HOURGLASS SYMBOL]”
FADE TO:
SILHOUETTE OF COUPLE HOLDING HANDS.
FADE TO:
WHITE TITLES SUPERIMPOSED OVER BLACK.
NARRATOR
When was the last time…
You typed a “2”, and it came out A-OK?
FADE TO:
“[WINGDINGS A-OK SYMBOL]”
FADE TO:
SILHOUETTE OF COUPLE BUILDING A SNOWMAN TOGETHER.
FADE TO:
WHITE TITLES SUPERIMPOSED OVER BLACK:
NARRATOR
When was the last time…
You told her “I Love You,” and it came out as “PEACE SIGN, HAPPYFACE, TELEPHONE, FLOPPY DISK, MAILBOX, STAR OF DAVID, YIN YANG, CHERRY BOMB, READING GLASSES?”
FADE TO:
Aforementioned Wingdings symbols.
FADE TO:
COUPLE EMBRACING.
FADE TO:
WHITE TITLES SUPERIMPOSED OVER BLACK.
NARRATOR
Fonts come and go, but Wingdings are forever.
FADE TO:
TITLE:
www.wingdingsareforever.com.
END.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
THIS SKETCH WILL NEVER BE PRODUCED
MATT KOFF is in a study, in a bathrobe and slippers. He is sitting on a velour armchair. He is reading a first edition copy of WAR AND PEACE.
MATT KOFF
Hey! Hey Big Bird!
ENTER BIG BIRD.
BIG BIRD
Hey Matt! What is it?
MATT KOFF
Do you want to hear a secret?
BIG BIRD
Of course! I love secrets!
MATT KOFF
Okay. You know this sketch we're in right now?
BIG BIRD
Yeah?
MATT KOFF
It's never going to be produced.
BIG BIRD
Never?
MATT KOFF
That's right, never.
BIG BIRD
Why do you say that?
MATT KOFF
Well, for starters, I don't exactly have a Big Bird costume lying around, and renting one for even a day would probably cost upwards of $1,000.
BIG BIRD
That's true. But maybe you don't have to produce it yourself. Maybe you could sell it to someone who could get access to a Big Bird costume. Like... like... i know! Like Lorne Michaels! You could sell it to him and they could do it on Saturday Night Live.
MATT KOFF
No, they would never do this on Saturday Night Live. Not topical enough.
BIG BIRD
MAD TV?
MATT KOFF
This is way too meta/self-referential for MAD TV. If anything, this kinda sketch would be best suited for SCTV.
BIG BIRD
Well, why not that then?
MATT KOFF
Um, hello? That's been off the air for like 30 years.
BIG BIRD
Geez, sorry. You don't have to be mean about it.
MATT KOFF
Sorry, it's just sort of frustrating to know that something I spent my time creating will never see the light of day.
BIG BIRD
Yeah, that's rotten. Oh, I know. Maybe you could rewrite the sketch and change "BiG BIRD" to "SOCK PUPPET." That should solve the problem.
MATT KOFF
Well, you're not the only issue with this sketch.
BIG BIRD
I'm not?
MATT KOFF
No. For one, the sketch barely has any funny jokes in it so far, and secondly--
MATT pushes a button on a remote control. The study turns into the cockpit of a futuristic spaceship.
MATT KOFF
The second beat of the sketch takes place in a futuristic spaceship.
BIG BIRD
Well why'd you go and do that, Matt?
MATT KOFF
I don't know. The premise needed to go somewhere.
BIG BIRD
Gosh... Hey, I have an idea!
MATT KOFF
What?
BIG BIRD
I have a friend in LA, he's directed stuff that's been featured on superdeluxe.com and Funnyordie.com, he has a lot of green screen experience. He could probably put us in a spaceship, no problem!
MATT KOFF
Is he good?
BIG BIRD
Well, good enough. It's not like we're making a Jerry Bruckheimer movie here.
MATT KOFF
Eh, I'd prefer it to look convincing. Otherwise the sketch isn't as funny as it could be.
BIRD BIRD
I thought you said the sketch already wasn't that funny!
MATT KOFF
Even still! If it's not funny, it could at least look nice. And besides, all of this is moot.
BIG BIRD
Why?
MATT KOFF
Because in the first stage directions of this sketch, it mentions that I'm reading a first edition copy of War and Peace. First editions of that book are virtually impossible to find. Therefore, this sketch is impossible to do.
BIG BIRD
Well why does it have to be a first edition?
MATT KOFF
Because that's the way i wrote it! I can't take it back now!
BIG BIRD
You know, I'm starting to think you almost want this sketch to not be produce-able.
MATT KOFF
Bingo.
BIRD BIG
You don't?
MATT KOFF
Not particularly.
BIG BIRD
Why are you writing it, then?
MATT KOFF
Eh, basically to up my quota for National Sketch Writing Month.
BIG BIRD
So basically you've just been wasting my time, along with anyone else who's read this far in the sketch?
MATT KOFF
Pretty much.
BIG BIRD
Have you any shame at all?
MATT KOFF
Not particularly.
BIG BIRD
What an asshole.
BIG BIRD puts on a space helmet and begins to leave the spaceship. Before he does, MATT pushes the remote control and BIG BIRD morphs into the Rockettes, who do a couple of musical numbers for MATT. MATT pushes the button twice. The first time a martini appears in his hand, the second a cuban cigar appears in his mouth. MATT reclines in his chair as fireworks go off in the background and Twizzlers rain down from the heavens.
MATT
Well, I'm glad this wasn't a complete waste.
BLACKOUT.
MATT KOFF
Hey! Hey Big Bird!
ENTER BIG BIRD.
BIG BIRD
Hey Matt! What is it?
MATT KOFF
Do you want to hear a secret?
BIG BIRD
Of course! I love secrets!
MATT KOFF
Okay. You know this sketch we're in right now?
BIG BIRD
Yeah?
MATT KOFF
It's never going to be produced.
BIG BIRD
Never?
MATT KOFF
That's right, never.
BIG BIRD
Why do you say that?
MATT KOFF
Well, for starters, I don't exactly have a Big Bird costume lying around, and renting one for even a day would probably cost upwards of $1,000.
BIG BIRD
That's true. But maybe you don't have to produce it yourself. Maybe you could sell it to someone who could get access to a Big Bird costume. Like... like... i know! Like Lorne Michaels! You could sell it to him and they could do it on Saturday Night Live.
MATT KOFF
No, they would never do this on Saturday Night Live. Not topical enough.
BIG BIRD
MAD TV?
MATT KOFF
This is way too meta/self-referential for MAD TV. If anything, this kinda sketch would be best suited for SCTV.
BIG BIRD
Well, why not that then?
MATT KOFF
Um, hello? That's been off the air for like 30 years.
BIG BIRD
Geez, sorry. You don't have to be mean about it.
MATT KOFF
Sorry, it's just sort of frustrating to know that something I spent my time creating will never see the light of day.
BIG BIRD
Yeah, that's rotten. Oh, I know. Maybe you could rewrite the sketch and change "BiG BIRD" to "SOCK PUPPET." That should solve the problem.
MATT KOFF
Well, you're not the only issue with this sketch.
BIG BIRD
I'm not?
MATT KOFF
No. For one, the sketch barely has any funny jokes in it so far, and secondly--
MATT pushes a button on a remote control. The study turns into the cockpit of a futuristic spaceship.
MATT KOFF
The second beat of the sketch takes place in a futuristic spaceship.
BIG BIRD
Well why'd you go and do that, Matt?
MATT KOFF
I don't know. The premise needed to go somewhere.
BIG BIRD
Gosh... Hey, I have an idea!
MATT KOFF
What?
BIG BIRD
I have a friend in LA, he's directed stuff that's been featured on superdeluxe.com and Funnyordie.com, he has a lot of green screen experience. He could probably put us in a spaceship, no problem!
MATT KOFF
Is he good?
BIG BIRD
Well, good enough. It's not like we're making a Jerry Bruckheimer movie here.
MATT KOFF
Eh, I'd prefer it to look convincing. Otherwise the sketch isn't as funny as it could be.
BIRD BIRD
I thought you said the sketch already wasn't that funny!
MATT KOFF
Even still! If it's not funny, it could at least look nice. And besides, all of this is moot.
BIG BIRD
Why?
MATT KOFF
Because in the first stage directions of this sketch, it mentions that I'm reading a first edition copy of War and Peace. First editions of that book are virtually impossible to find. Therefore, this sketch is impossible to do.
BIG BIRD
Well why does it have to be a first edition?
MATT KOFF
Because that's the way i wrote it! I can't take it back now!
BIG BIRD
You know, I'm starting to think you almost want this sketch to not be produce-able.
MATT KOFF
Bingo.
BIRD BIG
You don't?
MATT KOFF
Not particularly.
BIG BIRD
Why are you writing it, then?
MATT KOFF
Eh, basically to up my quota for National Sketch Writing Month.
BIG BIRD
So basically you've just been wasting my time, along with anyone else who's read this far in the sketch?
MATT KOFF
Pretty much.
BIG BIRD
Have you any shame at all?
MATT KOFF
Not particularly.
BIG BIRD
What an asshole.
BIG BIRD puts on a space helmet and begins to leave the spaceship. Before he does, MATT pushes the remote control and BIG BIRD morphs into the Rockettes, who do a couple of musical numbers for MATT. MATT pushes the button twice. The first time a martini appears in his hand, the second a cuban cigar appears in his mouth. MATT reclines in his chair as fireworks go off in the background and Twizzlers rain down from the heavens.
MATT
Well, I'm glad this wasn't a complete waste.
BLACKOUT.
THE LAST HUMAN BEING ON EARTH WITH AOL
A MAN DRESSED IN TINFOIL STANDS ONSTAGE. HE HAS A LOUD, BOOMING VOICE.
MAN
The year is 5679, and you are the last living human being on earth... who still uses AOL.
The year is 5679, and the internet has evolved from its 21st century computer-based interface into a more abstract, conceptual realm. Human infants are now injected with a microscopic wi-fi chip. People no longer navigate the world by pointing and clicking, but by wondering and pondering.
And yet, you still find it more convenient to log-on from your Grandfather's Dell computer. And worthwhile to pay $9.95 for AOL's colorful, accessible start-up screen.
The year is 5679, and humans across the globe send and receive messages instantaneously by simply blinking their eyes, deferring to one deep, all-knowing, blissfully infinite collective human unconscious.
But you, on the other hand, get goose bumps each time you hear the phrase "You've Got Mail!"
The year is 5679, and humans no longer have to ask. They just know.
You'd like to "just know" too, but your Favorite Places folder has gotten so large and unwieldy, it'd be hell to have to start over again.
Sure, you've thought about canceling AOL, but you need to call them directly to cancel. Really, who has time for that? And besides, the telephone ceased to exist 1800 years ago.
It is 5679, and you are the last living human being on earth with AOL.
END.
MAN
The year is 5679, and you are the last living human being on earth... who still uses AOL.
The year is 5679, and the internet has evolved from its 21st century computer-based interface into a more abstract, conceptual realm. Human infants are now injected with a microscopic wi-fi chip. People no longer navigate the world by pointing and clicking, but by wondering and pondering.
And yet, you still find it more convenient to log-on from your Grandfather's Dell computer. And worthwhile to pay $9.95 for AOL's colorful, accessible start-up screen.
The year is 5679, and humans across the globe send and receive messages instantaneously by simply blinking their eyes, deferring to one deep, all-knowing, blissfully infinite collective human unconscious.
But you, on the other hand, get goose bumps each time you hear the phrase "You've Got Mail!"
The year is 5679, and humans no longer have to ask. They just know.
You'd like to "just know" too, but your Favorite Places folder has gotten so large and unwieldy, it'd be hell to have to start over again.
Sure, you've thought about canceling AOL, but you need to call them directly to cancel. Really, who has time for that? And besides, the telephone ceased to exist 1800 years ago.
It is 5679, and you are the last living human being on earth with AOL.
END.
Friday, September 19, 2008
POLAR BEAR CLUB
OPEN ON A SMALL AUDITORIUM. A SIGN IN THE BACK READS, "POLAR BEAR CLUB, MILWAUKEE CHAPTER. EST. 1973."
JIM, A FAT MIDDLE-AGED WHITE GUY, AND TUCKER, A NATIVE AMERICAN, ARE THE ONLY 2 PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE.
THE CHAIRMAN, PETE, A FAT MIDDLE AGED WHITE GUY WITH A MOUSTACHE, IS AT THE PODIUM. HE BANGS A GAVEL. JIM AND TUCKER CEASE CHATTERING AND PAY ATTENTION.
PETE
All right, let the six hundred and seventh Milkwaukee Polar Club meeting come to order. Okay now first thing I want to say is thanks to everyone who made last Tuesday's outing at Lake Winnetaki a success. It was the first outing of the season, but already it's going to be hard to beat. But before we get started, let's do the rollcall.
TUCKER
Timmy Ackerman?
JIM
Oh, I spoke to Tim on the phone yesterday. He can't make it today.
PETE
Oh, okay. Do you know why?
JIM
Not sure. I think he said something about having hypothermia.
PETE
Got it. Thanks.
TUCKER
Frank Allan?
JIM
Oh, I ran into Frank's son down at the CVS. Yeah, he's not going to be able to make it today.
PETE
All right, did he say why?
JIM
Lemme think. Oh yeah, he said Frank has hypothermia. That's why.
PETE
Check.
TUCKER
Skip Andersen?
JIM
Oh, I was in a private online chat-room with Skip last night. Definitely not coming in today.
PETE
Roger that. Did he mention why?
JIM
Nope. Nada.
PETE
Okay--
JIM
Although I do remember the word "hypothermia" being tossed around several times.
PETE
Got it.
TUCKER
Drago Arnold?
JIM
Drago's my nephew Sammy's math teacher. I wouldn't hold my breath seein' him today.
PETE
'Kay then. Happen to know why?
JIM
Nothing's been confirmed, but word 'round the Middle School is:
JIM MOUTHS THE WORD "HYPOTHERMIA."
PETE NODS AND WINKS KNOWINGLY.
TUCKER
Simon Batista.
JIM
Oh, Simon and I were in the armed forces together. This morning on the way to work at the lumber mill, I ran into his live-in girlfriend, Melinda of seven years at the Local Quik-Chek. Lovely gal. Always wanted to be a dancer, but then one thing leads to another. Job, kids, mortgage. The years get away from you... Anyway, I highly doubt we'll be seeing Simon today.
PETE
Any idea why?
JIM
Hypothermia.
TUCKER
William Bergeron?
JIM
Oh I ran into Will's grandmother down at the Dunkin' Donuts. They have these new flatbread sandwiches that are only like 150 calories and they're actually pretty decent. Anyway, she said that odds are Will won't be in tonight.
PETE
Bingo. She say why?
JIM
Yeah, she did, but I'm blanking. Oh man... Something, I think it begins with an "H," can really put a dent in your schedule.
PETE
Hmm...
TUCKER
Hmm...
JIM
Ha... ho... heee... Oh I know, Hawaii! Will's on a business trip to Hawaii.
PETE
Message-o receibo.
JIM
Besides, everyone knows he has hypothermia, so it's not like he'd be here anyway.
LIGHTS DOWN
V.O.
6 hours later.
LIGHTS UP.
JIM
And, well, how can I put this?: "HYPOTHERMIA."
PETE
Sweet Home Alabama--got it.
TUCKER
And last but not least, Roderick "Hypothermia" Zuckerberg?
JIM
Oh, I haven't heard anything about him.
PETE
No?
JIM
Nah. Probably just stuck at work or something.
PETE
Ah, good point. All right, that concludes rollcall.
TUCKER sits back down.
PETE
(cont'd)
Now, does anybody have any topics or items of discussion for this week's meeting?
PAUSE.
JIM
I like the new sign.
JIM POINTS TO THE POLAR BEAR CLUB SIGN.
TUCKER
Yeah, nice sign.
PETE
Yeah, I think we're all pretty pleased with how the sign turned out. (PAUSE.) Anyway, meeting adjourned.
PETE BANGS GAVEL.
BLACKOUT.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The Obligatory Masturbation Sketch
Open on backyard. It is night time; we know this because we hear crickets chirping. In the center of the stage, JOHN sits, looking up and masturbating.
Enter FRANK, John's brother. Frank groggy and is wearing a bathrobe. He is looking for John.
FRANK
John? He-ey, John?
As soon as he hears from, John stops himself and scrambles to his feet.
FRANK
(cont'd)
Hey, John, what the hell are you doing out here so late at--
Frank looks at John.
FRANK
(cont'd)
Oh no. Please tell me you weren't just jerking off to constellations.
John looks as though he is about to say something.
JOHN
W--
FRANK
Oh man, you were just jerking off to constellations!
JOHN
I--
FRANK.
Don't even. Your fly's unzipped. It's obvious!
JOHN
B--
FRANK
Just please tell me you weren't doing it to the Big Dipper.
John stands frozen.
FRANK
(cont'd)
Oh Jesus, you were doing to the Big Dipper! That's mine and Leslie's constellation. You know that! How could you do that?
John shrugs helplessly.
FRANK
God, you're such an asshole.
Frank storms back into the house.
John thinks for a moment. He looks up and continues masturbating.
BLACKOUT.
Enter FRANK, John's brother. Frank groggy and is wearing a bathrobe. He is looking for John.
FRANK
John? He-ey, John?
As soon as he hears from, John stops himself and scrambles to his feet.
FRANK
(cont'd)
Hey, John, what the hell are you doing out here so late at--
Frank looks at John.
FRANK
(cont'd)
Oh no. Please tell me you weren't just jerking off to constellations.
John looks as though he is about to say something.
JOHN
W--
FRANK
Oh man, you were just jerking off to constellations!
JOHN
I--
FRANK.
Don't even. Your fly's unzipped. It's obvious!
JOHN
B--
FRANK
Just please tell me you weren't doing it to the Big Dipper.
John stands frozen.
FRANK
(cont'd)
Oh Jesus, you were doing to the Big Dipper! That's mine and Leslie's constellation. You know that! How could you do that?
John shrugs helplessly.
FRANK
God, you're such an asshole.
Frank storms back into the house.
John thinks for a moment. He looks up and continues masturbating.
BLACKOUT.
Engagement Ring
Lights up on Jewelry boutique. SAM enters.
SAM: Hi, I'd like to return this engagement ring.
CLERK: Okay. What may I ask is the reason for the return?
SAM: Oh, uh... it didn't work out.
CLERK: What didn't work out?
SAM: The... relationship didn't work out.
CLERK: Oh. I see. So, would you like to exchange for another ring? One... more to your liking?
SAM: No. I don't need any more rings. My fiancee left me for another man. That's it for me and rings. I just want my money back, please.
CLERK: Oh, money. I'm sorry, how silly of me. I thought this was an exchange, not a return.
SAM: Yes.
CLERK: Deepest apologies, sir.
SAM: It's okay.
CLERK: Now before I can give you your money back, I just need to ask you a couple of questions. Store policy.
SAM: Sure.
CLERK: Question one, what was your source of dissatisfaction with the product?
SAM: There was no source of dissatisfaction with the product. It's me, I'm the source of dissatisfaction. That's why my fiancee left me.
CLERK: Okay... question two. Are there any suggestions you would make to the manufacturer to improve this product?
SAM: No.
CLERK: (incredulous) No? Really?
SAM: Yeah. Like I said like ten times already, the product is fine.
CLERK: Okay so there's nothing that you could think of to improve this ring? Nothing at all? It's absolutely SAM:00% perfect?
SAM: Alll right, fine. Uhh, the ring could use some work in the arena of making my fiancee not leave me. There's definitely some room for improvement there.
CLERK: I'll just put "no comment." (Pause while writing) But seriously, just between you and me, what's your issue with the ring?
SAM: Okay, for the last time, the ring is fine! My issue is that I no longer have a bride—
SAM: signals to absence of bride.
SAM (cont'd): ...to put it on! Do you see a bride here?
CLERK: No, I suppose I don't. Very well. Here is a full refund.
CLERK gives refund.
SAM: Thank you.
CLERK: Good day.
SAM leaves. His fiancee, JANE, is waiting outside.
JANE: So did he buy the story about me leaving you?
SAM: Yeah.
JANE: Great. Now we can go and get a ring that doesn't look like it's been stolen out of a hobo lady's ass.
SAM: Of course, Dear. I love you.
JANE: Shut up. Don't touch me.
SAM: Okay.
END.
Cool 88.5: Smooth Jazz... for Orphans
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SEXY FEMALE: ...for Orphans.
MALE ANNOUNCER: Every morning, afternoon, evening, and on into the late hours of the night, Cool 88.5 is the place to be for all the sweet smooth jazz sounds that orphans crave.
SEXY FEMALE: Cool 88.5.
BARITONE MALE: Smooooth Jazz...
SEXY FEMALE: ...for Orphans.
MALE ANNOUNCER: Kenny G, Miles Tompkins, Marcus Fivefingers, Nyte Flyte, and Bill Shakataki; all the smooth jazz artists an orphan could want, all in one place at long last. And me, DJ Fatbone, bringing it home, or lack thereof, all weekend long.
SEXY FEMALE: Cool 88.5.
BARITONE MALE: Smooooth Jazz...
SEXY FEMALE: ...for Orphans.
MALE ANNOUNCER: This message is brought to you by... Porridge. Porridge: it's sustenance all right!
END
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Fairy Godzuckerberg
BRIAN is at his computer screen. PETE is watching TV and eating popcorn.
BRIAN: Pete. Pete. Pete.
PETE: What is it? It's the American Gladiator Season Finale!
BRIAN: It's Lori. She signed onto Facebook in over 3 hours. Do you think she's met someone else?
PETE: Dude, I told you-- let that bitch soak in her own brine. You can do better than her.
BRIAN: Her last status update was "Getting some soup." What does that mean, getting some soup? Getting some soup with who? ANOTHER GUY?!
PETE: I can't watch this. I'm going to Shoprite to buy Steak-Umms and porn. Try to scrape up some dignity before I get back.
Pete EXITS.
BRIAN: Oh my god, she's playing Scramble with 3 guys at once. That fucking slut. (typing) Lori, you bitch. I fucking miss you so much. Why did you do this to me? WHY?
MARC ZUCKERBERG, the twentysomething founder of FACEBOOK appears behind BRIAN. He wears angel wings and radiates an aura of peace and love.
MARC ZUCKERBERG: Are you sure that's a wise thing to post one someone's wall?
BRIAN: Who are you?
MARC ZUCKERBERG: Don't you recognize me?
MARC ZUCKERBERG holds up a magazine with his face on the cover. The bi-line reads "BILLIONAIRE VIRGINS."
BRIAN: Marc Zuckerberg! No way!
MARC ZUCKERBERG: Yes Brian, it's me, child prodigy and Fortune 500 C.E.O. and Founder of Facebook, Marc Zuckerberg. And if I'm not mistaken, you've got a case of the lonely hearts for one Miss Lori Thompson.
BRIAN: Yeah. How'd you know?
MARC: Well, when you reach an income bracket like mine, let's just say you develop a certain intuition for these things. And this portable Facebook usage surveillance device doesn't exactly hurt, either.
BRIAN: Wow, can I see that?
MARC: Of course not. This doodad is meant only for the eyes of Zuckerberg.
BRIAN: Okay. Well, then why are you here?
MARC: Excellent Question, Young Brian.
BRIAN: Actually, I'm 5 years older than you.
MARC: --I'm here, well, to set you free.
BRIAN: Free?
MARC: That's right. Free from your heartbreak. See, when I created Facebook all those years ago.
BRIAN: You mean 2004?
MARC: ..I wanted it to be a place of quiet bliss, where fellow alumni could send each other virtual Pina Colattas after a hard days' work, chumps could bite other chumps, and you could give your sister in Colorado a poke anytime you wanted, or even a Superpoke if you were feeling so inclined. I didn't intend for people to sit and writhe in a puddle of their own misery, constantly checking to see whether or not their ex-boyfriends' and girlfriends' were still listed as single.
BRIAN: I guess you're right, Mark Zuckerberg.
MARC: Of course Mark Zuckerberg is right. You don't start a social networking site that boasts over 100 Million users worldwide by being wrong. I mean, look at that. Your FunWall, it's practically empty! Haven't you written on any of your friends' FunWalls lately?
BRIAN: No, not lately.
MARC: Well there ya go!
BRIAN: But it's Lori, she's all I can think about it.
MARC: I understand. You know, much like you, Mark Zuckerberg had a lady love, once.
BRIAN: Really?
MARC: No. I was too busy developing Facebook for stuff like that. And now, any girl I date, I'm suspicious that she's only interested because of the money. It's a hell-ish prison of anxiety and self-doubt. The point is, Brian, you have to get on with your life. Here, I have something for you.
MARC ZUCKERBERG pulls out a hackysack and places it in BRIAN'S hand.
BRIAN: A Facebook hackysack! Awesome!
MARC: Now why don't you change your status message to "Brian is: thinking of going over to Central Park in an hour for a hack. Anyone Wanna Join?"
BRIAN: That's a great idea, Mark Zuckerberg, you're a genius!
MARK: Actually, I'm a billionaire child prodigy, but close enough. Anyway, it's time for Mark Zuckerberg to get back to Palo Alto. Shareholders get worried if I'm outside a five-mile radius of Facebook headquarters for longer than an hour at a time. Oh what a piss-poor existence Mark Zuckerberg leads.
BRIAN: Okay. Goodbye, Mark Zuckerberg! And thanks for watching over me!
MARK ZUCKERBERG floats away.
MARK: Mark Zuckerberg watches over everyone. And remember, anytime you need me, I'm just a (lil) Green patch away!
MARK ZUCKERBERG disappears.
MARK ZUCKERBERG (offstage): Shit, I ripped a wing.
THE END.
BRIAN: Pete. Pete. Pete.
PETE: What is it? It's the American Gladiator Season Finale!
BRIAN: It's Lori. She signed onto Facebook in over 3 hours. Do you think she's met someone else?
PETE: Dude, I told you-- let that bitch soak in her own brine. You can do better than her.
BRIAN: Her last status update was "Getting some soup." What does that mean, getting some soup? Getting some soup with who? ANOTHER GUY?!
PETE: I can't watch this. I'm going to Shoprite to buy Steak-Umms and porn. Try to scrape up some dignity before I get back.
Pete EXITS.
BRIAN: Oh my god, she's playing Scramble with 3 guys at once. That fucking slut. (typing) Lori, you bitch. I fucking miss you so much. Why did you do this to me? WHY?
MARC ZUCKERBERG, the twentysomething founder of FACEBOOK appears behind BRIAN. He wears angel wings and radiates an aura of peace and love.
MARC ZUCKERBERG: Are you sure that's a wise thing to post one someone's wall?
BRIAN: Who are you?
MARC ZUCKERBERG: Don't you recognize me?
MARC ZUCKERBERG holds up a magazine with his face on the cover. The bi-line reads "BILLIONAIRE VIRGINS."
BRIAN: Marc Zuckerberg! No way!
MARC ZUCKERBERG: Yes Brian, it's me, child prodigy and Fortune 500 C.E.O. and Founder of Facebook, Marc Zuckerberg. And if I'm not mistaken, you've got a case of the lonely hearts for one Miss Lori Thompson.
BRIAN: Yeah. How'd you know?
MARC: Well, when you reach an income bracket like mine, let's just say you develop a certain intuition for these things. And this portable Facebook usage surveillance device doesn't exactly hurt, either.
BRIAN: Wow, can I see that?
MARC: Of course not. This doodad is meant only for the eyes of Zuckerberg.
BRIAN: Okay. Well, then why are you here?
MARC: Excellent Question, Young Brian.
BRIAN: Actually, I'm 5 years older than you.
MARC: --I'm here, well, to set you free.
BRIAN: Free?
MARC: That's right. Free from your heartbreak. See, when I created Facebook all those years ago.
BRIAN: You mean 2004?
MARC: ..I wanted it to be a place of quiet bliss, where fellow alumni could send each other virtual Pina Colattas after a hard days' work, chumps could bite other chumps, and you could give your sister in Colorado a poke anytime you wanted, or even a Superpoke if you were feeling so inclined. I didn't intend for people to sit and writhe in a puddle of their own misery, constantly checking to see whether or not their ex-boyfriends' and girlfriends' were still listed as single.
BRIAN: I guess you're right, Mark Zuckerberg.
MARC: Of course Mark Zuckerberg is right. You don't start a social networking site that boasts over 100 Million users worldwide by being wrong. I mean, look at that. Your FunWall, it's practically empty! Haven't you written on any of your friends' FunWalls lately?
BRIAN: No, not lately.
MARC: Well there ya go!
BRIAN: But it's Lori, she's all I can think about it.
MARC: I understand. You know, much like you, Mark Zuckerberg had a lady love, once.
BRIAN: Really?
MARC: No. I was too busy developing Facebook for stuff like that. And now, any girl I date, I'm suspicious that she's only interested because of the money. It's a hell-ish prison of anxiety and self-doubt. The point is, Brian, you have to get on with your life. Here, I have something for you.
MARC ZUCKERBERG pulls out a hackysack and places it in BRIAN'S hand.
BRIAN: A Facebook hackysack! Awesome!
MARC: Now why don't you change your status message to "Brian is: thinking of going over to Central Park in an hour for a hack. Anyone Wanna Join?"
BRIAN: That's a great idea, Mark Zuckerberg, you're a genius!
MARK: Actually, I'm a billionaire child prodigy, but close enough. Anyway, it's time for Mark Zuckerberg to get back to Palo Alto. Shareholders get worried if I'm outside a five-mile radius of Facebook headquarters for longer than an hour at a time. Oh what a piss-poor existence Mark Zuckerberg leads.
BRIAN: Okay. Goodbye, Mark Zuckerberg! And thanks for watching over me!
MARK ZUCKERBERG floats away.
MARK: Mark Zuckerberg watches over everyone. And remember, anytime you need me, I'm just a (lil) Green patch away!
MARK ZUCKERBERG disappears.
MARK ZUCKERBERG (offstage): Shit, I ripped a wing.
THE END.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I LIKED YOU BETTER
Sidenote: This is my first "musical number"-type sketch. Also, this is the second sketch I've written this month featuring an animal singing and dancing with a top hat and cane. I do not want to know what this means about me.
MIRANDA, 21, IS LYING STOMACH FIRST ON A BED. SHE SPEAKS ON A PHONE. SHE IS KICKING HER FEET IN THE AIR, LAUGHING, AND TWIRLING HER HAIR.
MIRANDA
(On Phone, Laughing)
Tom, you're such an asshole! So, like, are you coming over tonight?
ENTER UNCLE JACK, A FRAIL OLD MAN.
JACK
Miranda, I have some fresh towels for y--
MIRANDA
Oh, hey Uncle Jack! Shh, I'm on the phone with Tom. Oh, and by the way, I borrowed one or two of your cereal bars, I was hungry after my workout, sorry!
(to TOM) Hey Tommy. Hey, could you hold on a second? Thanks.
MIRANDA
(On Phone, Laughing)
Tom, you're such an asshole! So, like, are you coming over tonight?
ENTER UNCLE JACK, A FRAIL OLD MAN.
JACK
Miranda, I have some fresh towels for y--
MIRANDA
Oh, hey Uncle Jack! Shh, I'm on the phone with Tom. Oh, and by the way, I borrowed one or two of your cereal bars, I was hungry after my workout, sorry!
(to TOM) Hey Tommy. Hey, could you hold on a second? Thanks.
(presses CALL WAITING BUTTON) Hey Robby, what's up?
JACK
Miranda? Er, Miranda? We need to talk.
MIRANDA
(On Phone)
Totally call you back. Toots.
(Hangs up)
What's up, Uncle J?
JACK
Miranda, you know I love you, and you'll always be my favorite niece, but... How can I put this? I...I liked you better when you were fat.
MIRANDA
Huh?
JACK
Hold on a second.
UNCLE JACK LOOKS AROUND.
JACK
Ah there they are!
HE PUTS ON TOP HAT AND CANE
JACK (Cont'd)
Bare with me, us old people tend to express ourselves best through musical numbers. (Clears throat) Maestro?
CUE OLD TIMEY, UP-TEMPO, JAZZ BEAT.
UNCLE JACK (Cont'd, singing)
I liked you better when you were fat.
I liked you better when you were large.
I liked you better when you were... clinically obese!
Yes, I liked you better when you were fat.
MIRANDA
But why? Since I lost weight, I'm happier, healthier, and for the first time in my life, I actually feel good about myself!
JENKINS
Well let me explain.
Y'see, the old Miranda of plus 400 hundred pounds
Used to be so shy she'd barely make a sound.
Now ya talk all day But you've got nothing to say!
Sure you're skinny but you're dumber than a fish fillet.
So I liked ya better when you were round!
MIRANDA
Oh come on, you're just joking... right?
JACK
Nope! There's more!
The old Miranda used to scare away the boys.
Now I can't get to bed because of all of that mattress noise!
You were once the model of respect and humility
Now you're vagina's busier than a public facility.
So I liked you better when you were fat.
MIRANDA
Oh my god, you can hear me... doing it?
JACK
Yep, and so can Mrs. Applebee upstairs!
MIRANDA
Ew!
JACK
Now you're gettin' it!
MIRANDA
Well, fine, Uncle Jack! Suit yourself, but at least my friends like me better thin!
ENTER 2 FRIENDS, TOM AND KATHY, WEARING TOP HATS AND HOLDING CANES.
TOM AND KATHY
NOPE!
MIRANDA
What?
TOM AND KATHY
(Singing)
We liked you better when you were fat
We liked you better when you were large.
We liked you better when you were... hard to look!
We liked you better when you were fat.
JACK
Miranda? Er, Miranda? We need to talk.
MIRANDA
(On Phone)
Totally call you back. Toots.
(Hangs up)
What's up, Uncle J?
JACK
Miranda, you know I love you, and you'll always be my favorite niece, but... How can I put this? I...I liked you better when you were fat.
MIRANDA
Huh?
JACK
Hold on a second.
UNCLE JACK LOOKS AROUND.
JACK
Ah there they are!
HE PUTS ON TOP HAT AND CANE
JACK (Cont'd)
Bare with me, us old people tend to express ourselves best through musical numbers. (Clears throat) Maestro?
CUE OLD TIMEY, UP-TEMPO, JAZZ BEAT.
UNCLE JACK (Cont'd, singing)
I liked you better when you were fat.
I liked you better when you were large.
I liked you better when you were... clinically obese!
Yes, I liked you better when you were fat.
MIRANDA
But why? Since I lost weight, I'm happier, healthier, and for the first time in my life, I actually feel good about myself!
JENKINS
Well let me explain.
Y'see, the old Miranda of plus 400 hundred pounds
Used to be so shy she'd barely make a sound.
Now ya talk all day But you've got nothing to say!
Sure you're skinny but you're dumber than a fish fillet.
So I liked ya better when you were round!
MIRANDA
Oh come on, you're just joking... right?
JACK
Nope! There's more!
The old Miranda used to scare away the boys.
Now I can't get to bed because of all of that mattress noise!
You were once the model of respect and humility
Now you're vagina's busier than a public facility.
So I liked you better when you were fat.
MIRANDA
Oh my god, you can hear me... doing it?
JACK
Yep, and so can Mrs. Applebee upstairs!
MIRANDA
Ew!
JACK
Now you're gettin' it!
MIRANDA
Well, fine, Uncle Jack! Suit yourself, but at least my friends like me better thin!
ENTER 2 FRIENDS, TOM AND KATHY, WEARING TOP HATS AND HOLDING CANES.
TOM AND KATHY
NOPE!
MIRANDA
What?
TOM AND KATHY
(Singing)
We liked you better when you were fat
We liked you better when you were large.
We liked you better when you were... hard to look!
We liked you better when you were fat.
MIRANDA
But why?
TOM
Miranda, when you were fat, we were concerned about your health.
KATHY
But having fat friends make us feel better about ourselves!
TOM
Now that you're a size four,
our self-esteem's hit the floor!
TOM AND KATHY
So we liked you better when you were fat!
MIRANDA
That's really messed up!
TOM AND KATHY
We know!
MIRANDA
Well, you know what? Screw all of you! At least my dog Rover likes me this way.
JACK
Guess again!
MIRANDA
What?
JACK
Guess again!
MIRANDA
What?
ENTER ROVER (A PUPPET), WITH A TOP HAT AND CANE.
ROVER
(to the tune of the song)
Ruff, ruff ruff ruff-ruff, ruff ruff ruff ruff.
MIRANDA
Rover, not you too!
ROVER
Ruff, ruff ruff ruff-ruff, ruff ruff ruff ruff.
MIRANDA
Hey, I do not have varicose vains!... do I?
ROVER
Ruff, ruff ruff ruff-ruff,
Ruff, ruff ruff ruff-ruff, Ruff, ruff ruff ruff-rat.
KATHY
Right on, Rover!
JACK
That dog can sing all right!
TOM
One more time!
JACK, KATHY, TOM, ROVER
We liked you better when you were fat.
TOM
We really mean it...
JACK, KATHY, TOM, ROVER
We liked you better when you were fat.
MIRANDA
I can't believe this.
JACK, KATHY, TOM, ROVER
Yes we liked you better when you were faaaa-aaaat.
ROVER TAP DANCES. END SONG. PAUSE.
JACK
So, are you going to get fat again?
MIRANDA
What? Of course not.
KATHY
Then grab her, fellas!
JACK, TOM AND ROVER GRAB AND RESTRAIN MIRANDA. KATHY PULLS OUT A REESE'S PIECES PEANUT BUTTER PIE AND PREPARES TO FORCEFEED IT TO MIRANDA
MIRANDA
No... no... NOOOOO!!!
BLACKOUT.