Sunday, March 10, 2013

Matt Koff's Comedy Newsletter: You are now unsubscribed

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Comedy Newsletter

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This Month's Comedy Shows

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Hey friends,

What's up? It's your pal Matt Koff. The guy who does the comedy? Nothing?

Anyway, if you're getting this email you signed up to be on my email list at some point. Sorry.

I'm writing because I have a big show coming up this Tuesday at 7:30 and I'd love it if you could make it. It's a showcase at UCB Theater East. It's only $5, there's no drink minimum, and everyone on it is funny. Including me! I'm funny! I swear! Details are here: http://east.ucbtheatre.com/shows/view/2944

Reservations recommended.

If you can't make it, I'm also doing a bunch of other fun shows this month. Oh and if you don't want any more emails like this you can unsubscribe below.

Happy Spring!

Matt
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Saturday, September 18, 2010

VOICEMAIL BREAK-UP

INT- LIVING ROOM

TAD is on his cellphone.

V.O.
You've reached the voicemail of "Kimberly Marcus".  At the tone, please record your message.

BEEP.

TAD
Hey Kim, I'm really sorry to do this over voice mail, but I know you're really busy with the trade fair over the next few days, so here goes.  I don't think we should see each other anymore.  I think you're really great, funny, and beautiful, it's just--how do I say this without coming off bad--it's, I always pictured myself ending up with someone who looks a little bit more like Elisabeth Shue.

Pause.  TAD looks at his phone.  He presses a key.

V.O.
If you are satisfied with your message, press 1.  If you--

TAD presses a key.

V.O.
Please re-record your message after the tone.

BEEP.

TAD
Hey Kim.  I know you're really busy, but... I wanted to tell you a story.  When I was 13, I saw a little film called Back to the Future II, and... not-so-coincidentally, shortly thereafter I learned how to do a little thing called masturbate.  Both these events would put an indelible mark on the way I viewed women and relationships for the rest of time.

Pause.  TAD hits a key.

V.O.
If you are satisfied with your mes--

TAD hits a key.

V.O.
Please re-record your message after the tone.

TAD
Hey Kim, have you ever seen that movie Palmetto?  Because if you had, you'd understand what I'm about to tell you.

TAD sighs.  Hits a key again.

JUMPCUT

TAD
Listen, Kim, you have a lot going for you.  But unfortunately none of those things are Elisabeth Shue's breasts.

JUMPCUT

TAD
I have commitment issues.

JUMPCUT.

TAD
Listen Kim, Cousin Bette is on TNT in 15 minutes I gotta make this quick--

JUMPCUT

TAD
I'm gay. ... for Elisabeth Shue.

JUMPCUT

TAD
You chew too loud, you bitch!

JUMPCUT

TAD
Have you ever seen Leaving Las Vegas?  Well in this scenario, you are Las Vegas, and I'm leaving you.

JUMPCUT.

TAD
You could at least dye your hair blonde.  Actually, no, don't do that.  It's over.

TAD hangs up.

END

Friday, September 17, 2010

I SHOULD HAVE MOVED TO SAN DIEGO WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE

INT. SUBWAY CAR--NIGHT

ROGER sits on a nearly empty subway, reading a book.  The subway car is less than half full.

A pretty woman enters.  She stands in front of Roger.

PREGNANT WOMAN
Ahem?

ROGER
Uh... yes?

PREGNANT WOMAN
Aren't you gonna let me sit down?

ROGER looks around.

ROGER
But... there are seats everywhere.

PREGNANT WOMAN
Yeah, but, I wanna sit (points to Roger's seat) there.

ROGER
Um... sorry.  I'm not moving.

MAN
Hey, buddy, let the woman have your seat!

OTHER WOMAN
What'samatter with you?  She's pregnant, you fuck!

ROGER sighs, and moves over one seat.

PREGNANT WOMAN sits down.  ROGER continues reading.

PREGNANT WOMAN leans over and gets in Roger's face.

PREGNANT WOMAN
(whispering)
Faggot.  Faggot. Faaaggot.  Faggot.

ROGER squirms in his seat.

PREGNANT WOMAN
Faggot.  Faggot.  Faaaggot.

ROGER
Um, Could you STOP calling me faggot please?

MAN
Hey, buddy, let the woman call you faggot!

OTHER WOMAN
What'samatter with you?  She's pregnant, you fucking faggot!

Beat. 
ROGER  continues to read.

PREGNANT WOMAN
You know what we do to faggots on the subway?

PREGNANT WOMAN takes out a lighter.

ROGER jumps up and away from the woman. 

ROGER
JESUS Christ!

MAN
Hey, buddy, let the woman burn you alive!

OTHER WOMAN
What'samatter with you?  She's pregnant, you non-on-fire fucking faggot!

ROGER turns to the camera.

ROGER
I SHOULD HAVE MOVED TO SAN DIEGO WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE.

(?)

END.

Friday, September 10, 2010

MY LAST RELATIONSHIP IN 30 SECONDS

INT. LIVING ROOM

BETTY sits on a couch. She is wearing pajama pants and watching “The Real Housewives of One-Place-Or-Another”.

NAT enters.

NAT
Come on, we're going to be late for the 4:45 screening of “Fletch Lives” at the Film Forum!

BETTY
How come we're always doing what you wanna do?

NAT
Fine, what do you wanna do?

BETTY
Break up with you.

END.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

HITLER'S NUTSACK AT A CAFE IN PARIS, 1954

HITLER'S NUTSACK sits at a table outside a Parisian cafe smoking a cigarette. It takes a sip of espresso and its gaze wanders off into the distance.


HITLER'S NUTSACK
Ahhh, life.

A man of diminutive stature rises from the table adjacent to HITLER'S NUTSACK and cautiously walks over.

MAN
Excuse me, are you--

HITLER'S NUTSACK
Yes, it is I.

MAN
But you didn't let me finish.

HITLER'S NUTSACK takes a drag from his cigarette and sighs.

HITLER'S NUTSACK
Fine, go ahead.

MAN
You're Hitler's Nutsack.

HITLER'S NUTSACK
Yes, congratulations, you have the gift of eyesight. Now can I help you? Would you like an autograph?

HITLER'S NUTSACK takes out a magic marker from his back pocket.

MAN
No. No I would not. Quite the opposite.

MAN takes his glass of wine and throws it in HITLER'S NUTSACK'S FACE.

MAN
That man, that whose nutsack you served as for so many years—I can barely say his name—he ordered the Gestapo to kill my cousin. You, sir, were attached to an awful, awful man, and I--

HITLER'S NUTSACK
I agree.

MAN
Excuse me.

HITLER'S NUTSACK
I said--

HITLER'S NUTSACK takes another drag of his cigarette.

HITLER'S NUTSACK
I... agree.

MAN
Then why, why didn't you do something to stop him?

HITLER'S NUTSACK stands up and gazes into the horizon.

HITLER'S NUTSACK
I did all I could. I'd seize up uncomfortably whenever he was about to order the execution of innocent Jews and gypsies. Sometimes he needed to take painkillers just to loosen me up. But I ask you, when does a man, be he king or roustabout, ever stop to listen to his nutsack?

MAN
I suppose that's true. I never thought about it like that.

HITLER'S NUTSACK
Of course not. That's the problem; people do not think. Such is why a man like Hitler rose to power in the first place. You came here to kill me, did you not?

MAN
What?

HITLER'S NUTSACK
It's fine, you don't have to play naïve with me. There are plenty of people who'd love to see Hitler's Nutsack dead, and certainly a man with a vendetta like yours is no exception. Plus, there's a pistol sticking halfway out of your pocket. You can at least offer me the courtesy of being upfront.

MAN
Yes, fine, yes, I did come here to kill you.

HITLER'S NUTSACK
Thank you.

HITLER'S NUTSACK sits back down, takes another sip of espresso.

MAN
You're not going to run, or call for the police?

HITLER'S NUTSACK
Why should I? Only men with guilt on their conscious fight for their lives. I am at peace.

MAN
But--

HITLER'S NUTSACK
Friend, listen to me carefully, as I'm only going to say this once. I asked no more times to be Hitler's Nutsack than Stallin's asshole asked to be Stallin's asshole, or Mussolini's taint asked to be Mussolini's taint. If you must shoot me, then please shoot me. Otherwise, let me finish reading this issue of Harper's Weekly in piece.

MAN
I'm not going to shoot you.

MAN walks away. He then turns around walks back to HITLER'S NUTSACK, and strangles HITLER'S NUTSACK with piano wire.

BEAT.

MAN
My God, what have I done?

WAITER enters.

WAITER
(to Man)
It's okay. He wanted to die.

MAN
Are you sure? He sort of resisted... a lot.

WAITER
Oh, did he? Yeah, don't listen to me. It just seemed like the thing to say at the moment.

MAN
Yeah.

WAITER
Well, luckily there's no law in the French constitution about murdering nutsacks.

MAN
ALL RIGHT!

WAITER and MAN high-five each other and do the Charleston

END.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE IN A HOT AIR BALLOON

EXT. SKY

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE is in a hot air balloon.  He is dressed in an white apron and a chef's hat, and has a big black mustache.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Oh-a my goo-ness, Mamma Mia, I can't believe i'm-a realizin' my dream of traveling around-a the world in-a hot air balloon.  It's-a so beautiful my heart can-a hardly stand it!  Oh, look-a-dis, it's-a the Moroccan desert.  Let-a me take out my telescope to get a closer look.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE reaches down, pulls out a handful of uncooked spaghetti strands, and looks through it as if it were a telescope.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Holy box of cannoli's, beauty over here, beauty over there, it's almost a-too much for one Italian stereotype, like-a myself, to handle!   This moment couldn't get any better if the ghost of Luciano Pavarotti himself rose from the grave just-a to sing me a rendition of O Solo Mio.  Now that-a would be something else!

A CAT pops out of the hot air balloon basket.

CAT
Meow meow.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
What's-a that, a-kitty-cat?  All Italians have-a high blood pressure?  A scientific study proved it?  Guess I better take-a some blood pressure medication.

CAT
MEOW MEOW.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
What's that, Kitty cat?

CAT
MEOW MEOW

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Ohh Kitty-cat, why you gotta bring up-a my dead wife on this spectacular trip-a?  Don't you know that nothing makes an Italian Stereotype sadder than a-remembering his-a dead-a wife?

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE takes out photo of his dead wife.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
OH SOFIA I MISS YOU SO MUCH HERE HAVE SOME-A PASTA FASUL.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE takes a handful of pasta fasul and shoves it against his dead wife's a-picture.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
You like-a that dead Sofia? It was always-a you favorite?

CAT
MEOW MEOW.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
What-a you hollerin' about now, Kitty Cat?

CAT
MEOW.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
What?  We sinkin'?  How can you-- (ITALIAN STEREOTYPE looks over the edge.)  Oh-a my Goodness you right!  Jesus-a Christ Parmigiana!  I knew I never shoulda made this hot air balloon out of Gnocchi!  Kitty-Cat, if I don't make it outta this alive you can have-a my Gucci handbags, my Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses, and my promotional cardboard cut out of-a Robert DeNiro from Analyze This!

CAT
MEOW.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
OK fine, you can also have my promotional cardboard cut out of-a Robert DeNiro from Analyze That!  Now quit bustin' my balls ova here!

The hot air balloon falls into a large green pipe.   ITALIAN STEREOTYPE and CAT come out the other end and land on a lakitu-style cloud (a la Mario Bros).

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Holy Rocky Balboa!  See, a-kitty cat?  I told you we'd be alright!

CAT
MEOW.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
All right all right, quit Marisa-in' my Tomeis ova here!

A VENUS FLY TRAP emerges from the green pipe and eats ITALIAN STEREOTYPE and CAT.

END.

Friday, September 3, 2010

THAT'S SUSHI

Open on happy couple sitting at a table at a fancy French restaurant.

ADAM
I am so excited to be ordering dinner at this restaurant!

MILICENT
Me too!

Waiter enters.

WAITER
Gentleman, lady.  Welcome to Chez Chantique.  Tonight is a very special night, as our head chef is back from 7 years of total seclusion in the Andalusian Mountains, where he has been developing a secret recipe for a revolutionary new dish.  And you are in luck, because this dish ... is tonight's special.

MILICENT
Do you hear that, Adam? Revolutionary.

ADAM
Yes, I do, Milicent.  (to waiter) What is it?

WAITER
Well, what it is, is... a sliver of RAW fish, which is then surrounded on all sides by white rice, and then delicately wrapped in sea...weed.

ADAM
Oh.  So... sushi.

MILICENT
Fantastic.  I love sushi!

WAITER
Pardon me?

ADAM
Sushi.  Your special is sushi.  The Japanese have been making it for centuries.

WAITER
Well, perhaps there are similarities, but I highly doubt it is the same dish.

ADAM
It's raw fish, wrapped in rice, wrapped in seaweed.

WAITER
Well, it's not just fish.  Sometimes we replace the fish with cucumber.  A cucumber "roll", we are calling it.

ADAM
Yes.  They do that too.

WAITER
Well, our chef's dish tends to taste best when dipped in soy sauce.

MILICENT
Just like sushi!

(Pause)

WAITER
Well, do they serve it with Ginger?

ADAM
Yes.

MILICENT
Wasabi?

ADAM
Yes.

WAITER
Do they occasionally put cream cheese on it and call it a Philadelphia roll?

ADAM
Yes.

WAITER
This is very disappointing.  Our chef had even had the idea of setting up a bar area where you can order pieces of--

MILICENT
You mean like a SUSHI bar?

WAITER sighs.

WAITER
I see.

WAITER goes to the kitchen door.  He calls for the chef.  The chef comes out.  The waiter talks to the chef, gesturing to the couple.  The chef nods solemnly.  The chef hangs his head and goes back into the kitchen. After a moment, a single gunshot rings out.

BLACKOUT.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

MASON AND MASON CATSITTING

This is a cable access-y type commercial. We open on a white-trash couple sitting on a couch in their wood panel basement.

JANET
Hi, I'm Janet Mason.

BILL
And I'm Bill Mason. And together we are...

JANET/BILL IN UNISON
—Mason and Mason Catsitting, LLC.

BILL
A lot of catsitting services claim to be the best.

JANET
But how many of those services want desperately to conceive a child but can't? That's where Mason and Mason comes in.

BILL
Boy do we want our own son--

JANET
--Or daughter--

BILL
--more than anything in the world. But for some reason, after 6 miscarriages, God has decided to completely forsake my dear wife's womb, leaving her as barren as a patch of AstroTurf.

JANET
It doesn't help that my husband wears briefs, either.

BILL
It doesn't help but it doesn't hurt, neither.

JANET
They lower your sperm count. Science has proved it.

BILL
I'll wear what underwear I please. I have so little left in this life that gives me joy. (back to camera) Whether you're out of town on a business trip or a Hawaiian vacation, you can take comfort in knowing that your cat will be loved and doted upon by a couple that desperate wants someone or something to care for.

JANET
Our comprehensive petcare package includes:

BILL
Reading your cat bedtime stories.

JANET
Taking your cat to ballet lessons.

BILL
Teaching your cat the value of a hard-earned dollar.

JANET
Looking at your cat's report card and trying to contain our immense pride and/or disappointment.

BILL
Telling your cat to go to his room when he's disrespectful to his mama.

JANET
Getting your cat fitted for a wedding dress.

BILL
Taking your cat for a drive and tell him all the things that I wish my old man had told me when I was your cat's age.

JANET
And also, cleaning his litter box. With most petcare services, it's hard to know what you're getting.

BILL
But you can believe me when I say that my wife's uterus is as barren as an empty box of Raisin Bran.

JANET
(aside) The briefs don't help neither.

BILL
(aside) Shut up, you relentless harpie, I says shut up! (back to camera) You can count on us to be the best catsitters money can buy, not least of because we're legally prohibited for taking babysitting jobs anywhere in Jefferson County.

JANET
Some people get so sensitive when you cross state lines with their child for a couple of weeks.

BILL
But we digress. Why not visit our website, at plsletusluvurcat.com. Or, for the less technologically inclined, you can also reach us at 1-866-WE-NEED-THIS. We look forward to hearing from you.

JANET
Goodnight!

Couple starts to bicker about briefs as music swells.

END.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

FRANKIE'S SWEATER

EXT. PORCH--DAY

Three guys—STEVIE, JACKIE, AND FRANKIE—are drinking beers.

STEVIE
I don’t care how cold it is out, I don’t care what day of September it is.  In my book: summer ain’t over.

JACKIE
Oh are you kiddin’?  Summer ain’t over by a long shot.  No, no, no, you know how we know when summer’s over?

STEVIE
How?

JACKIE
When Frankie puts on that sweater, that’s how.

CUT TO: Huge orange sweater lying on the other end of the porch.

STEVIE
Damn straight.

STEVIE and JACKIE drink their beers.

We hear a gust of wind.  FRANKIE folds his arms and begins rocking his seat.

JACKIE
Hey, what are you doin’, Frankie?

STEVIE
Yeah, Frankie, what’s goin’ on?

FRANKIE looks around, and then gets up.

JACKIE
Frankie, you better not be doin’ what I think you’re doin’.

STEVIE
Frankie…stay away from that sweater, Frankie.

STEVIE and JACKIE corner FRANKIE. After a beat, FRANKIE decides to sit back down.

STEVIE and JACKIE return to their seats.  Then, FRANKIE dives across the porch to his sweater.  STEVIE and JACKIE tackle FRANKIE.

JACKIE
Don’t you dare put that sweater on, you son of a bitch!

STEVIE
We already bought charcoal for tomorrow’s barbecue!   

FRANKIE manages to put on the sweater. 

JACKIE
Fuck!  Fuuuck!

STEVIE
Son of a BITCH, Frankie!

FRANKIE gets up, dusts himself off, walks back to his seat, sits down, and re-folds arms.  STEVIE and JACKIE get up.

JACKIE
Well, summer’s over.

STEVIE
Thanks a lot Frankie.

JACKIE
Yeah, thanks a lot, Dipwad.

END.

ALVIN

INT. TEMP AGENCY OFFICE-DAY

ALVIN, a guy in his mid-twenties, sits waiting for an interview with a recruiter to begin.  MONICA, the recruiter, enters.  Alvin stands to greet her. She shakes Alvin’s hand.

MONICA
Hi there.  Monica Bradley.  You must be… Alvin?

ALVIN
Yep, that’s right! Alvin! I’m Alvin.

MONICA sits down.

MONICA
Okay, fantastic, Alvin.  Please, have a seat.

ALVIN SITS.

MONICA
All right, now before we get started, I just want you to know that a) we are a temp-only firm, so if you’re looking for something—

ALVIN
My name’s Alvin.

MONICA
Yes, yes it is. (AWKWARD BEAT) So if you’re looking for something permanent we probably won’t be able to assist you in that arena.

ALVIN
That’s fine.

MONICA
Okay, now do you have a copy of your resume I can look at?

ALVIN
Yes, of course!

Alvin hands her his resume.

MONICA
Umm, this is just a piece of paper with the words “I’M ALVIN” printed on it in extremely large letters.

ALVIN
Yep, I’m Alvin all right.

MONICA
Yes, I, er, I know you’re Alvin.  You’ve said it at least 5 times since the interview began.  Let me put it this way, do you have a piece of paper outlining your work experience?

ALVIN
Yep, you’re looking at it!  If you think being Alvin is always easy, it’s not!

MONICA
Of course not.

MONICA picks up the phone.

MONICA
Sheila, after you get back from lunch, we need to have a talk about that screening process of yours.  Okay, thanks.

MONICA hangs up.

MONICA
(under breath) Bitch. (to ALVIN) All right, how about the application?  Surely you must have filled out the application before you got to me.

ALVIN
Sure did.

MONICA
OK, under skills you list, “Being Alvin, “I’m Alvin,” and then, unless I’m missing something, skill number three just says “Alvin” with three exclamation points.

ALVIN
Nope, you’re not missing anything.

MONICA
(sighs) Do you have any computer skills?

ALVIN
I know Microsoft Word!

MONICA
Oh, well that’s something!  Do you know how to do a mail merge?

ALVIN
No.

MONICA
Do you know how to create a macro?

ALVIN
No.

MONICA
Do you know how to copy and paste a spreadsheet within a word document?

ALVIN
No.

MONICA
Do you know how to copy and paste at all?

ALVIN
No.

MONICA
Do you know how to do anything in Microsoft Word except type your name?

ALVIN
…No.

MONICA
Listen, Mr.—um…

ALVIN
Alvin!

MONICA
Mr. Alvin, you have no discernable skills that an employer would want.  I don’t know how I, as a staffer, am supposed to market you to, frankly, anyone.

ALVIN
Just tell them I’m Alvin.

MONICA
I’m sorry, Alvin.  That’s just not going to work.  Come back when you’ve learned how to do something besides be yourself.

Alvin sheds a tear, and then leaves.

Monica’s intercom beeps.  She answers it.

MONICA
Hello?

TOM
(intercom)
Hi Monica, we have a big client on the line.  Apparently they need someone named Alvin who only knows how to type his name into Microsoft Word.

BEAT.

MONICA
(to no one in particular)
Well now it looks like it is I who am the fool.

END.

GOV'T MULE

          INT. MATT'S APARTMENT-DAY

          MATT is at his computer writing a crappy, ill-thought-out
          sketch. BECKY is on the couch, reading a book.

                              MATT
                    Holy shit!!!

                              BECKY
                    What? What is it?

                              MATT
                    I just got an email from Beacon
                    Theater.  Gov't Mule is going to be
                    there on New Year's Eve!  Should I
                    get tickets?

                              BECKY
                    What's Gov't Mule?

                              MATT
                    What's Gov't Mule?! It's a band,
                    obviously!

                              BECKY
                    Are they any good?

                              MATT
                    Well, I've never listened to them,
                    but I've heard their name since
                    high school and their playing NEW
                    YEAR'S EVE at the BEACON THEATER,
                    so how bad can they be?

                              BECKY
                    Okay. Why not? Let's do it.

          MATT and BECKY each jump five feet into the air and high
          five.

          CUT TO:

          INT. BEACON THEATER- NIGHT

          MATT picks up the tickets from the box office and hands one
          to Becky.  They enter the large, crowded auditorium.

                              MATT
                    I have a good feeling about this.

          The lights dim.  Loud rock music plays. The crowd cheers as
          a mule slowly wanders onto the stage, wearing a sash that
          reads "GOV'T MULE."  A roadie throws bits of grass onto the
          stage, which the mule grazes on.  The crowd goes wild.

                              MATT
                    Well... this is kind of cool, huh?

                              BECKY
                    You owe me $25.

                              MATT
                    NOOOOOOO!!!

          MATT becomes so upset that he punches a hole in the floor of
          the Beacon Theater auditorium.

                              BECKY
                    Come on, let's get out of here
                    before anyone notices that you've
                    punched a hole in the floor of the
                    Beacon Theater auditorium.

                              MATT
                    Wait, I kinda want to see what the
                    Mule does next.

          Matt and Becky continue to watch The Government Mule graze.

          END.

DOCTOR SKETCH

          INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

          Doctor sits down to talk with a couple, BRAD and SANDRA.

                              DOCTOR
                    Well, I have some good news and
                    some not-so-good news.  I'll start
                    with the good news.  The good news
                    is, your baby is a beautiful
                    healthy baby boy.

          Couple looks relieved.

                              DOCTOR
                    The bad news is, odds are the
                    pregnancy isn't going to end well.

                              SANDRA
                    What?

                              BRAD
                    What's the matter?  Is Sandra going
                    to be okay?

                              DOCTOR
                    Oh yes, the actual birthing process
                    should be right as rain.  It's the
                    after that I'm concerned about.
                    I've done some calculations, and
                    this child has a very low chance of
                    turning out, well, okay.

          BRAD and SANDRA look at each other, confused.

                              DOCTOR (CONT')
                    Well, for the first 40 years,
                    everything should seem normal.
                    Your child will get good grades, be
                    more or less well-liked at school,
                    get into a good liberal arts
                    college, meet the girl he's
                    eventually going to marry, graduate
                    suma cum laude, get his MA in
                    Marketing from Hofstra University
                    while working as a freelance web
                    designer for an audio equipment
                    company, move to Worchester, MA and
                    start a family.  Then, just two
                    days after his youngest child,
                    Melissa Rose, celebrates her 1st
                    birthday, your child will be eating
                    dinner and he'll catch a glimpse of
                    his own reflection in the gravy
                    covering his Oreida mashed
                    potatoes, and he won't recognize
                    himself.  Sallow cheekbones, crow's
                    feet, in those potatoes he'll see
                    the reflection of a man who lived a
                    life filled with compromises, a
                    life trying to please others
                    instead of ever asking  what he
                    himself truly wanted.

                              SANDRA
                    What DID he want?

                              DOCTOR
                    To tour the country in a Grateful
                    Dead cover band. No more, no less.
                    Sure, after that moment, he'll quit
                    his cushy job down at the market
                    research firm, start playing
                    Grateful Dead around the house
                    24/7, and try to teach his family
                    how to play musical instruments so
                    they can tour the country with
                    him.  But it's not going to work.

                              BRAD
                    why not?

                              DOCTOR
                    Have YOU ever tried teaching a baby
                    how to play drums?

                              BRAD
                    I guess not, no...

                              DOCTOR
                    i didn't think so.  After that,
                    he'll get a job at a local Best Buy
                    as part of the Geek Squad, where
                    he'll spend the rest of his life
                    until 5 years later, when he's
                    fatally injured in the stock room
                    by a particularly large Sony Bravia
                    LCD television.  I'm sorry.

                              SANDRA
                    Oh God, that sounds horrible.  Is
                    there anything we can do?

                              DOCTOR
                    Well, there is one thing that might
                    work.

          DOCTOR pulls what looks to be a CD box set out of his desk
          drawer.  He walks around to the front of the desk and shows
          it to the family. It is a Barry Manilow box set.

                              DOCTOR
                    Manilow.  Lots and lots of Manilow.

          END.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

DENTAL SKETCH

          INT. DENTIST'S OFFICE- DAY

          BOB IS IN THE DENTIST CHAIR. THE DENTIST IS CHECKING BOB'S
          TEETH WHILE THE HYGIENIST LOOKS ON.

                              DENTIST
                    Okay, yeah, you're right, Beverly.
                    I'm seeing a lot of irritation in
                    the gums.  And... 4 cavities.                              

          HYGIENIST WRITES "4" DOWN.

                              DENTIST
                    Mr. Stewart, I know I've said this
                    before, but it's time to start
                    taking better care of your teeth.

                              BOB
                    I know, I keep meaning to.  I guess
                    I really let you guys down, huh?

                              DENTIST
                    Well, sort of. I mean, they're your
                    teeth.

                              BOB
                    Yeah but you guys were really
                    counting on me to change my ways
                    since the last appointment and I
                    didn't.  Oh I feel like the biggest
                    jerk in the world!

                              DENTIST
                    Well, I don't think there's any use
                    in feeling like a jerk...

                              BOB
                    Oh but you guys are always so nice
                    to me.  Every time I come in here
                    you clean my teeth and check to
                    make sure everything's okay.

                              HYGIENIST
                    Well, yes, but that's our job...

                              BOB
                    And if that weren't enough, you
                    don't even ask for anything in
                    return!

                              DENTIST
                    That's because your dental plan
                    covers the entire premium. We--

                              BOB
                    You guys are like modern day
                    saints, and how do I repay your
                    kindness?  By eating 6 spoonfuls of
                    candy corn every night before I go
                    to sleep, when I should be
                    remembering to brush and floss!

                              HYGIENIST
                    Candy corn.  I thought they only
                    made that stuff around Halloween.

                              DENTIST
                    And why do you eat it with a spoon?

                              BOB
                    Oh I'm a moron, a dope, a first
                    class, top o' the line stooge!  I
                    don't deserve friends like you!

                              HYGIENIST
                    Uh, we're not your friends...

                              BOB
                    Sure, you guys are.  You guys are
                    the best friends I have.  You guys
                    are my best friends in the whole
                    wide world!  Aren't you?                            

                              DENTIST
                    Um, of course we are.  What, er,
                    Beverly means to say is, we can
                    continue to be friends with someone
                    who takes so little care of their
                    teeth.  Right, Beverly?                             

                              HYGIENIST
                    Uh, right...
                             
                              BOB
                    Okay.  I can see that.  Hey, I'll
                    tell you what, from this day forth,
                    I'm going to brush AND floss
                    between my teeth three times a day.
                             
                              DENTIST
                    Attaboy!  Now there's a fella I
                    want to be friends with!
                             
                              BOB
                    Hey, that reminds me.  I'm having a
                    dinner party this Thursday.  Would
                    you two like to come?                             

          HYGIENIST looks at DENTIST.

                              DENTIST
                    Of course! We'll be there. What do
                    we bring?                             

          HYGIENIST grabs DENTIST'S arm.

                              HYGIENIST
                         (to BOB)
                    Excuse us a second.                             

          HYGIENIST pulls DENTIST out into the HALLWAY.

                              HYGIENIST
                    What the hell are you doing?                             

                              DENTIST
                    That man's dental health is at
                    stake! If he needs to believe we're
                    his BFF to steer himself off the
                    course of mouth-related disease and
                    catastrophe, then it's OUR JOB TO
                    BE HIS BFF.

                             

                              HYGIENIST
                    This is ridiculous. I'm not doing
                    this.

                              DENTIST
                    Fine, do as you wish. BUT I TOOK AN
                    OATH, GODDAMN IT!                             

          DENTIST walks back into room.

          CUE MONTAGE TO YOUNG RASCALS' "GOOD LOVIN'"

          CUT TO:

          -BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST PLAYING VOLLEYBALL

          -BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST EATING ICE CREAM CONES IN THE
          PARK

          -BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST PLAYING TWISTER IN A BASEMENT

          -BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST FLYING A KITE IN THE PARK

          -BOB, DENTIST, AND HYGIENIST PLAYING FOOTBALL. DENTIST TELLS
          BOB TO GO LONG. BOB RUNS OUT INTO THE STREET. HE GETS HIT BY
          TRUCK. MUSIC STOPS  DENTIST AND HYGIENIST'S MOUTHS ARE
          AGAPE.

                              HYGIENIST
                    Holy crap.                             

                              DENTIST
                    Wow...I was actually starting to
                    like the guy.                             

                              HYGIENIST
                    Me too.
                             
                              TRUCKDRIVER
                    Guys, I am so sorry. I think I may
                    have killed your friend.
                             
                              DENTIST
                    Oh, it's okay.
                             
                              HYGIENIST
                    Yeah, he wasn't even really our
                    friend.
                             
                              TRUCKDRIVER
                    Guys, I appreciate you trying to
                    make me feel better, but I feel
                    terrible.  Hey, I have an idea.
                    I'm having a dinner party on
                    Thursday, maybe you guys would like
                    to come.
                             
          DENTIST AND HYGIENIST look at the camera.

                              HYGIENIST AND DENTIST
                    NOOOOOO!!!!                           

          TRUCKDRIVER looks in the direction their looking.

                              TRUCKDRIVER
                    Who are you guys talking to?                             

          END.