THE CORN COB KING

LIGHTS UP on CRIMINY J. BIMINY, a bearded man wearing a rain slicker.  He smokes a Corn Cob pipe.

CRIMINY
Hello, my name is Criminy J. Biminy, but ‘round these parts they know me as... The Corn Cob King.

TWO MEN OPEN DOORS FROM BEHIND CRIMINY, LEAN FORTH, AND SING.

TWO MEN
He’s the Corn Cob King,
He’s the Corn Cob King,
He’s the Corn Cob Kiiiing…

EXIT MEN.

CRIMINY
The first moonlanding was staged in an Arby’s in New Mexico, 9/11 is the product of a Mormon Conspiracy, and JFK was shot by none other than Mr. Andy Warhol himself.  If you enjoy learning about these and other kooky conspiracy theories, come on down to the Corn Cob Warehouse, just 2 miles past Waterville, Maine on the interstate!  We’ve got everything for your corn-related needs, cob-related needs, and everything in between!

TWO MEN OPEN DOORS FROM BEHIND CRIMINY, LEAN FORTH, AND SING.

TWO MEN
He’s the Corn Cob King,
He’s got everything,
We mean everythiiiing…

SECOND MAN
Parentheses wink!

CRIMINY
What does the perfect woman look like?  Three breasts, no mouth, and a uterus that also functions as a beer cozy!  If you enjoy this and other slightly unsettling misogynistic jokes, then come on down to the Corn Cob Furniture Outlet and Showroom, just off Route 8 in Portsmouth, NH.  We offer affordable, stylish furniture, made entirely out of dried corn cobs!  Corn Cob Furniture:  We’ve Cornered The Market on Low, Low Prices!

TWO MEN
He’s the Corn Cob King,
Boy, we love to sing,
He’s the Corn Cob Kiiiing…

CRIMINY
What has six windows, one engine, and will never know true happiness?  Answer:  My Honda Civic.  If you enjoy this and other hastily written riddles, call me!  Let’s hang out or something!  Do you like movie trivia? I do!

TWO MEN
1-800-CornCobKing,
Call the Corn Cob King,
Call the Corn Cob Kiiiing…

CRIMINY
What about you guys?  Doing anything later?  Wanna get a drink?

FIRST MAN
Uh, I think I’m busy later.  Sorry Corn Cob King.

SECOND MAN
Yeah, uh… me too.

THEY RETREAT BEHIND DOORS ONCE MORE.  CRIMINY SIGHS.

CRIMINY
It’s lonely at the top.

BLACKOUT.

REPOWER AMERICA

LIGHTS UP on the office of the SECRETARY of CONGRESSMAN LEHIGH.

PHONE RINGS. SECRETARY PICKS UP.

SECRETARY
Congressman Lehigh’s office.

CALLER 1 (V.O.)
Hi, I’m calling because I’d like to Repower America. By “Repower America”, I mean develop clean and renewable sources of energy such as solar power and windmills. Such a transition would not only end our dependence on foreign oil, which has resulted in not only price gouging at the gas pump, but also a war that has killed thousands of American troops. However, we cannot act without the proper legislation; that’s why Congressman Lehigh must “Yes” to the upcoming clean energy bill.

SECRETARY
Okay, I’ll pass that message along. Thanks.

CALLER 1 (V.O.)
Thank you. You have a good day.

SECRETARY HANGS UP. PHONE RINGS AGAIN. SECRETARY PICKS UP.

SECRETARY
Congressman Lehigh’s office.

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Hi, is this, uh… is this Congress?

SECRETARY
This is… Congressman Lehigh’s office.

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Oh, uh, okay. I’m, uh, calling because I want to, uh, like… Re-uh-power, Repower America?

SECRETARY
…okay?

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Sorry, I just woke up. [COUGHS LOUDLY] B-by “Repower America,” I mean, um, developing clean and—let me scroll down here…—shit! I clicked out of the window. Hold on a second.

PAUSE. CALLER 2 CLEARS SINUSES. SPITS.

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Gmail.com, okay… Come on you piece a shit. Sorry, one minute. Okay, there we go. Sorry. Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, uh, solar power and windmills.

SECRETARY
What about solar power and w—

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
--are important to ending this nation’s war with Iraq… You know?

SECRETARY
I…sort of?

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
America has had this dependence on foreign oil, and that’s why we’re… in the Middle East. So like, the more windmills we have… [LONG PAUSE.] We just…. We can’t end this war without windmills.

SECRETARY
Okay sir, well thank you for your call—

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Also price gouging?

PAUSE.

SECRETARY
Yes?

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Is bad. Especially at the gas pump, where millions of Armenians, sorry, Americans, are victims of it. At the gas pump.

SECRETARY
Great, I’ll pass that message on to—

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
That’s why Congressman…

SECRETARY
Lehigh.

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Must vote yes.

SECRETARY
To clean energy.

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Right! Bingo. Bingo Gazingo.

SECRETARY
Okay, I’ll be sure to pass that message on.

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
Okay. Oh, do you need my email address or something like that?

SECRETARY
Why would I need that?

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
To confirm that the Congressman got the message.

SECRETARY
No, that’s not really nec—

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
--It’s RAZMATAZZ58@GMAIL.COM. 2 Z’s. Got that?

SECRETARY
Yyyou betcha. Well thanks for calling.

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
I’d also like a written confirmation that the Congressman received the message.

SECRETARY
Written?

CALLER 2 (V.O.)
That’s, uh, just what it says in the email here. I want it written; written and…notarized. My address is—

SECRETARY HANGS UP. PHONE RINGS AGAIN. SECRETARY PICKS UP.

SECRETARY
Congressman Lehigh’s office.

CALLER 3 (female V.O.)
Hi.

SECRETARY
How may I help you today.

CALLER 3 (V.O.)
I like… windmills?

SECRETARY
I’ll pass that message on to the Congressman, thanks.

CALLER 3 (V.O.)
I—

SECRETARY HANGS UP. ENTER CONGRESSMAN.

CONGRESSMAN
Hey Carol, any messages?

SECRETARY
Yes. Your wife called. You’re having lambchops for dinner.

CONGRESSMAN
Yum!

BLACKOUT.

QUEENS: WHERE YOU GO TO DISAPPEAR

NOTE: Thanks to Dave Fox and Mary Regan for inspiring this sketch.

 

Also, this is Sketch #30.  I went on vacation last week and I haven't had a chance to type up the 6 sketches I wrote longhand.  I will do that by the end of the week.  In any event, I would like thank to all of you who actually read any of this junk!  So, thanks!

 

--

LIGHTS UP PRIVATE OFFICE OF MR. PHILMORE.  MR. PHILMORE IS AT HIS DESK. FILLING OUT A FORM.

SECRETARY (intercom)
Mr. Philmore?

MR. PHILMORE
YES Dolores?

SECRETARY
Your 3 o'clock, David Gellar, is here to see you.

PHILMORE
Thanks, Dolores.  Send him in.

ENTER DAVID GELLAR.  HE IS A SHORT, SLIGHT, RATHER MEEK MAN. HE WEARS JEANS AND A SWEATSHIRT.

GELLAR
Hello?

PHILMORE
Mr. Gellar, please. Have a seat.

GELLAR SITS.

PHILMORE
So, what brings you to Queens today?

GELLAR
Oh, well, uh, I'd like to move here.

PHILMORE
You'd like to move to...Qu-...?

GELLAR
Queens.

PHILMORE
Queens?

GELLAR
Yes.

PHILMORE
THIS Queens? Queens, NY?  The burough.

GELLAR
Yes.

PHILMORE
Interesting.

PHILMORE SCRIBBLES DOWN NOTES.

PHILMORE
And why is that?

GELLAR
Oh, you know... it's a... nice place...

PHILMORE SNICKERS QUIETLY.

GELLAR
...to live?

PHILMORE
Right.

[Pause.]

But seriously, why do you want to move to Queens?

GELLAR
I just need to disappear for a while.  Take myself off the map.  Y'know.

PHILMORE
Mixed up in anything illegal?

GELLAR
Does it matter?

PHILMORE
Not necessarily.

GELLAR
No, nothing outside of a couple of parking tickets.  Mostly just... a philandering wife.  Fooling around with my best friend.  The worst part is, my entire circle of friends knew about it, but no one could bring themselves to tell me about it.  Had to find out for myself.

PHILMORE
Ah, so you lived in DUMBO?

GELLAR
Yeah, how'd you--?

PHILMORE
I've seen enough of these cases to know.  All right, you can move to Queens.  You'll be staying in a first floor rennovated studio in Sunnyside Gardens.

PHILMORE hands GELLAR a set of keys.

GELLAR
Sunnyside, not bad!

PHILMORE
You new name is Herbie Sanchez Villalobos.

PHILMORE hands GELLAR a fake moustache. 

PHILMORE
You're a 36-year-old self-proclaimed bachelor for life.  Your star sign is Libra.  You have an affinity for the works of James Michener, Salvador Dali, and on sometimes in the middle of the night, you can't sleep, so you walk the streets and feed pieces of tunafish to feral cats.  Got that?

GELLAR
Yep. 

GELLAR PUTS ON MOUSTACHE.

GELLAR (cont'd)
How do I look?

PHILMORE
Like a million bucks.  Now scram.  We never spoke.

GELLAR
Got it.

GELLAR gets up and heads to the door.

PHILMORE
Oh, and one more thing.

GELLAR
What?

PHILMORE
Most people who move to Queens never leave.

GELLAR
Well that's a chance I'm willing to take.

PHILMORE
GOod luck.

GELLAR nods. He pulls his sweatshirt's hood over his head, puts on sunglasses, and exits.

PHILMORE shakes head, lights cigarette, and puts feet on desk.

GELLAR
Poor bastard.

BLACKOUT.

THE HALLOWEEN SKETCH

DOORBELL RINGS.  HUSBAND AND WIFE SIT ON COUCH.  THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

Wife:  Fine, I'll get it.

WIFE GETS UP AND OPENS DOOR.

Wife: Well HELLo there! Don't you two look cute!

Kids: (sing-songy) Trick or treat
Smell my feet
Give us something good to eat.

If you don't
We don't care
We'll pull down you're underwear.

Wife: Now that's not a very nice thing to say.  I'm sorry, kids, but we're all out of candy.

Kids: (sing-songy) Trick or treat,
Lick my poop
Give us something good to chew.

If you don't
Then oh well,
We'll make your life a living hell.

Husband: What the-?

Wife: Excuse ME?  Now how do you plan on doing that?

Kids: (sing-songy) Trick or treat,
We know things.

Pause.

wife:  And praytell, just what is it that you know?

Kids: Trick or treat
Curds and wheat
Give us something fun to eat.

If you don't
On this occasion,
We'll report you for tax evasion.

Wife: Wait, how did you--

Husband: They're bluffing. 

Wife: Are you sure, Harold?

Husband: They don't have anything to go on.

Kids: (sing-songy) Trick or treat.
Yes we do.
We hacked into to your home wireless network.

Wife:  Harold, you better run down to the drug store and get some candy.

Husband: No, I'm not going anywhere.  I don't like being pushed around by two sugar-crazy kids.

Wife: Harold.

Husband:  What happens if we don't cooperate?

Kids: If you don't,
We could care less.
We'll just call the IRS.

Wife: Harold, this could ruin us.

Pause.

Husband:  Fine! 

HUSBAND PUTS ON JACKET.

Husband: What kind of candy do you like?

KID 1:  Peanut M&M's.

KID 2: And plain.  Plain M&M's.

Husband: Plain and peanut, got it. (mumbling) ...little shits.

HUSBAND STORMS OUT.

WIFE AND KIDS STAND AROUND AWKWARDLY.

Wife: So, who are you both supposed to be?

Kids: Mussolini and Hitler.

BLACKOUT.

STARTING OVER

INT. OFFICE - DAY

TWO DUDES ARE IN AN OFFICE, FILING.  THEIR BOSS STANDS OVER THEM, POINTING TO A STACK OF FOLDERS.

BOSS
Now Dudes, I want all this filing done by 3 O'clock.

BOSS EXITS.

DUDE 1
This sucks!

DUDE 2
Hell yeah it does!

DUDE 1
Hey, I know!  Let's quit this crap job, move to the Carribean, and start new lives!

DUDE
Let's DO IT!

THEY HIGH FIVE.

CUT TO TITLE:

2 days later.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

TWO DUDES IN AN OFFICE.  THE BOSS STANDS OVER THEM.  HE IS WEARING A LEI AND HULA SKIRT.

BOSS
Aloha, Dudes.  Now, I want all these coconuts filed by 3 o'clock.

BOSS POINTS TO PILE OF COCONUTS ON THE FLOOR OF THE OFFICE.  BOSS EXITS.

DUDE 1
WE DID IT!

DUDE 2
HELL YEAH WE DID!

THE TWO DUDES HIGH-FIVE, AND PROCEED TO START FILING COCONUTS.

BLACKOUT.

SAVING FOR RETIREMENT, WITH THE SIMPLE GOATHERDER

SAVING FOR RETIREMENT, WITH THE SIMPLE GOATHERDER (PART I)

TITLE- SAVING FOR RETIREMENT
 with the Simple Goatherder

NARRATOR (V.O.)
And now, Saving for Retirement with the Simple Goatherder.

CUT TO:

EXT. FIELD - DAY

SIMPLE GOATHERDER, a skinny man with a dirty face and peasant clothes, stands in front of a HERD OF GOATS.

SIMPLE GOATHERDER
401k contribution is like nipple of mother Goat. 

CUT TO:

Shot of baby goats suckling at their mother's teat.

SIMPLE GOATHERDER (V.0.)
Fallow period must occur, lest the nipple become sore, chapped, or infected.

CUT BACK TO SIMPLE GOATHERDER.

NARRATOR
This has been, Saving for Retirement with the Simple Goatherder.

BLACKOUT.

--

SAVING FOR RETIREMENT, WITH THE SIMPLE GOATHERDER (PART II)

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

PRESIDENT SARAH PALIN IS AT HER DESK.  SHE IS WATCHING SOMETHING ON HER LAPTOP, WITH HEADPHONES PLUGGED IN.

AN AIDE ENTERS.  SHE REMOVES HEADPHONES.

AIDE
President Palin, have you chosen a Secretary of Treasury?

PALIN
You betcha!

PRESIDENT PALIN PULLS THE HEADPHONE JACK OUT OF HER LAPTOP.  WE HEAR THE AUDIO FROM ITS SPEAKERS.

NARRATOR
"This has been Saving for Retirement, with the Simple Goatherder."

PALIN
Get me that guy!

BLACKOUT.

KANGA-WHO?

LIGHTS UP on TEDDY and FRANKIE.  They are sitting at a kitchen table.

TEDDY
...so then the Archduke Bishop says to the bumble bee:  "Kanga-who?"

FRANKIE VOMITS.

TEDDY
Hm.  I must have told it wrong.

BLACKOUT.

WINGDINGS ARE FOREVER

THIS SKETCH IS EXECUTED IN THE STYLE OF THOSE OLD DE BEERS DIAMOND COMMERCIALS.

MUSIC – CANON IN D.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

SILHOUETTE OF A COUPLE AT A TABLE LOOKING INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES.

FADE TO:

WHITE TITLES SUPERIMPOSED OVER BLACK:

NARRATOR
When was the last time…

You typed the letter “Y”, and it came out as “Hourglass”?

FADE TO:

“[WINGDINGS HOURGLASS SYMBOL]”

FADE TO:

SILHOUETTE OF COUPLE HOLDING HANDS.

FADE TO:

WHITE TITLES SUPERIMPOSED OVER BLACK.

NARRATOR
When was the last time…

You typed a “2”, and it came out A-OK?

FADE TO:

“[WINGDINGS A-OK SYMBOL]”

FADE TO:

SILHOUETTE OF COUPLE BUILDING A SNOWMAN TOGETHER.

FADE TO:

WHITE TITLES SUPERIMPOSED OVER BLACK:

NARRATOR
When was the last time…

You told her “I Love You,” and it came out as “PEACE SIGN, HAPPYFACE, TELEPHONE, FLOPPY DISK, MAILBOX, STAR OF DAVID, YIN YANG, CHERRY BOMB, READING GLASSES?”

FADE TO:

Aforementioned Wingdings symbols.

FADE TO:

COUPLE EMBRACING.

FADE TO:

WHITE TITLES SUPERIMPOSED OVER BLACK.

NARRATOR
Fonts come and go, but Wingdings are forever.

FADE TO:

TITLE:

www.wingdingsareforever.com.

END.

THIS SKETCH WILL NEVER BE PRODUCED

MATT KOFF is in a study, in a bathrobe and slippers.  He is sitting on a velour armchair.  He is reading a first edition copy of WAR AND PEACE. 

MATT KOFF
Hey!  Hey Big Bird!

ENTER BIG BIRD.

BIG BIRD
Hey Matt!  What is it?

MATT KOFF
Do you want to hear a secret?

BIG BIRD
Of course!  I love secrets!

MATT KOFF
Okay.  You know this sketch we're in right now?

BIG BIRD
Yeah?

MATT KOFF
It's never going to be produced.

BIG BIRD
Never?

MATT KOFF
That's right, never.

BIG BIRD
Why do you say that?

MATT KOFF
Well, for starters, I don't exactly have a Big Bird costume lying around, and renting one for even a day would probably cost upwards of $1,000.

BIG BIRD
That's true.  But maybe you don't have to produce it yourself.  Maybe you could sell it to someone who could get access to a Big Bird costume.  Like... like... i know!  Like Lorne Michaels!  You could sell it to him and they could do it on Saturday Night Live.

MATT KOFF
No, they would never do this on Saturday Night Live.  Not topical enough.

BIG BIRD
MAD TV?

MATT KOFF
This is way too meta/self-referential for MAD TV.  If anything, this kinda sketch would be best suited for SCTV.

BIG BIRD
Well, why not that then?

MATT KOFF
Um, hello?  That's been off the air for like 30 years.

BIG BIRD
Geez, sorry.  You don't have to be mean about it.

MATT KOFF
Sorry, it's just sort of frustrating to know that something I spent my time creating will never see the light of day.

BIG BIRD
Yeah, that's rotten.  Oh, I know.  Maybe you could rewrite the sketch and change "BiG BIRD" to "SOCK PUPPET."  That should solve the problem.

MATT KOFF
Well, you're not the only issue with this sketch.

BIG BIRD
I'm not?

MATT KOFF
No.  For one, the sketch barely has any funny jokes in it so far, and secondly--

MATT pushes a button on a remote control.  The study turns into the cockpit of a futuristic spaceship.

MATT KOFF
The second beat of the sketch takes place in a futuristic spaceship.

BIG BIRD
Well why'd you go and do that, Matt?

MATT KOFF
I don't know.  The premise needed to go somewhere.

BIG BIRD
Gosh... Hey, I have an idea!

MATT KOFF
What?

BIG BIRD
I have a friend in LA, he's directed stuff that's been featured on superdeluxe.com and Funnyordie.com, he has a lot of green screen experience.  He could probably put us in a spaceship, no problem!
MATT KOFF
Is he good?

BIG BIRD
Well, good enough.  It's not like we're making a Jerry Bruckheimer movie here.

MATT KOFF
Eh, I'd prefer it to look convincing.   Otherwise the sketch isn't as funny as it could be.

BIRD BIRD
I thought you said the sketch already wasn't that funny!

MATT KOFF
Even still!  If it's not funny, it could at least look nice.  And besides, all of this is moot.

BIG BIRD
Why?

MATT KOFF
Because in the first stage directions of this sketch, it mentions that I'm reading a first edition copy of War and Peace.  First editions of that book are virtually impossible to find.  Therefore, this sketch is impossible to do.

BIG BIRD
Well why does it have to be a first edition?

MATT KOFF
Because that's the way i wrote it!  I can't take it back now!

BIG BIRD
You know, I'm starting to think you almost want this sketch to not be produce-able.

MATT KOFF
Bingo.

BIRD BIG
You don't?

MATT KOFF
Not particularly.

BIG BIRD
Why are you writing it, then?

MATT KOFF
Eh, basically to up my quota for National Sketch Writing Month.

BIG BIRD
So basically you've just been wasting my time, along with anyone else who's read this far in the sketch?

MATT KOFF
Pretty much.

BIG BIRD
Have you any shame at all?

MATT KOFF
Not particularly.

BIG BIRD
What an asshole.

BIG BIRD puts on a space helmet and begins to leave the spaceship.  Before he does, MATT pushes the remote control and BIG BIRD morphs into the Rockettes, who do a couple of musical numbers for MATT.  MATT pushes the button twice.  The first time a martini appears in his hand, the second a cuban cigar appears in his mouth.  MATT reclines in his chair as fireworks go off in the background and Twizzlers rain down from the heavens.

MATT
Well, I'm glad this wasn't a complete waste.

BLACKOUT.

THE LAST HUMAN BEING ON EARTH WITH AOL

A MAN DRESSED IN TINFOIL STANDS ONSTAGE.  HE HAS A LOUD, BOOMING VOICE.

MAN
The year is 5679, and you are the last living human being on earth... who still uses AOL.

The year is 5679, and the internet has evolved from its 21st century computer-based interface into a more abstract, conceptual realm.  Human infants are now injected with a microscopic wi-fi chip.  People no longer navigate the world by pointing and clicking, but by wondering and pondering.

And yet, you still find it more convenient to log-on from your Grandfather's Dell computer.  And worthwhile to pay $9.95 for AOL's colorful, accessible start-up screen.

The year is 5679, and humans across the globe send and receive messages instantaneously by simply blinking their eyes, deferring to one deep, all-knowing, blissfully infinite collective human unconscious.

But you, on the other hand, get goose bumps each time you hear the phrase  "You've Got Mail!"

The year is 5679, and humans no longer have to ask.  They just know.

You'd like to  "just know" too, but your Favorite Places folder has gotten so large and unwieldy, it'd be hell to have to start over again.

Sure, you've thought about canceling AOL, but you need to call them directly to cancel.  Really, who has time for that?  And besides,  the telephone ceased to exist 1800 years ago.

It is 5679, and you are the last living human being on earth with AOL.

END.

POLAR BEAR CLUB

OPEN ON A SMALL AUDITORIUM.  A SIGN IN THE BACK READS, "POLAR BEAR CLUB, MILWAUKEE CHAPTER. EST. 1973."

JIM, A FAT MIDDLE-AGED WHITE GUY, AND TUCKER, A NATIVE AMERICAN, ARE THE ONLY 2 PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE.

THE CHAIRMAN, PETE, A FAT MIDDLE AGED WHITE GUY WITH A MOUSTACHE, IS AT THE PODIUM.  HE BANGS A GAVEL.  JIM AND TUCKER CEASE CHATTERING AND PAY ATTENTION.

PETE

All right, let the six hundred and seventh Milkwaukee Polar Club meeting come to order.  Okay now first thing I want to say is thanks to everyone who made last Tuesday's outing at Lake Winnetaki a success.  It was the first outing of the season, but already it's going to be hard to beat.  But before we get started, let's do the rollcall. 

TUCKER

Timmy Ackerman?

JIM

Oh, I spoke to Tim on the phone yesterday.  He can't make it today.

PETE

Oh, okay. Do you know why?

JIM

Not sure.  I think he said something about having hypothermia.

PETE

Got it. Thanks.

TUCKER

Frank Allan?

JIM

Oh, I ran into Frank's son down at the CVS.  Yeah, he's not going to be able to make it today.

PETE

All right, did he say why?

JIM

Lemme think.  Oh yeah, he said Frank has hypothermia.  That's why.

PETE

Check.

TUCKER

Skip Andersen?

JIM

Oh, I was in a private online chat-room with Skip last night.  Definitely not coming in today.

PETE

Roger that.  Did he mention why?

JIM

Nope.  Nada.

PETE

Okay--

JIM

Although I do remember the word "hypothermia" being tossed around several times.

PETE

Got it.

TUCKER

Drago Arnold?

JIM

Drago's my nephew Sammy's math teacher.  I wouldn't hold my breath seein' him today.

PETE

'Kay then. Happen to know why?

JIM

Nothing's been confirmed, but word 'round the Middle School is:

JIM MOUTHS THE WORD "HYPOTHERMIA."

PETE NODS AND WINKS KNOWINGLY.

TUCKER

Simon Batista.

JIM

Oh, Simon and I were in the armed forces together.  This morning on the way to work at the lumber mill, I ran into his live-in girlfriend, Melinda of seven years at the Local Quik-Chek.  Lovely gal.  Always wanted to be a dancer, but then one thing leads to another.  Job, kids, mortgage. The years get away from you... Anyway, I highly doubt we'll be seeing Simon today.

PETE

Any idea why?

JIM

Hypothermia.

TUCKER

William Bergeron?

JIM

Oh I ran into Will's grandmother down at the Dunkin' Donuts.  They have these new flatbread sandwiches that are only like 150 calories and they're actually pretty decent.  Anyway, she said that odds are Will won't be in tonight.

PETE

Bingo.  She say why?

JIM

Yeah, she did, but I'm blanking.  Oh man... Something, I think it begins with an "H," can really put a dent in your schedule.

PETE

Hmm...

TUCKER

Hmm...

JIM

Ha... ho... heee...  Oh I know, Hawaii!  Will's on a business trip to Hawaii.

PETE

Message-o receibo.

JIM

Besides, everyone knows he has hypothermia, so it's not like he'd be here anyway.

LIGHTS DOWN

V.O.

6 hours later.

LIGHTS UP.

JIM

And, well, how can I put this?: "HYPOTHERMIA."

PETE

Sweet Home Alabama--got it.

TUCKER

And last but not least, Roderick "Hypothermia" Zuckerberg?

JIM

Oh, I haven't heard anything about him.

PETE

No?

JIM

Nah.  Probably just stuck at work or something.

PETE

Ah, good point.  All right, that concludes rollcall. 

TUCKER sits back down.

PETE

(cont'd)

Now, does anybody have any topics or items of discussion for this week's meeting?

PAUSE.

JIM

I like the new sign.

JIM POINTS TO THE POLAR BEAR CLUB SIGN.

TUCKER

Yeah, nice sign.

PETE

Yeah, I think we're all pretty pleased with how the sign turned out. (PAUSE.) Anyway, meeting adjourned.

PETE BANGS GAVEL. 

BLACKOUT.

The Obligatory Masturbation Sketch

Open on backyard.  It is night time; we know this because we hear crickets chirping.  In the center of the stage, JOHN sits, looking up and masturbating.

Enter FRANK, John's brother.  Frank groggy and is wearing a bathrobe.  He is looking for John.

FRANK
John?  He-ey, John?

As soon as he hears from, John stops himself and scrambles to his feet.

FRANK
(cont'd)
Hey, John, what the hell are you doing out here so late at--

Frank looks at John.

FRANK
(cont'd)
Oh no.  Please tell me you weren't just jerking off to constellations.

John looks as though he is about to say something.

JOHN
W--

FRANK
Oh man, you were just jerking off to constellations! 

JOHN
 I--

FRANK.
Don't even.  Your fly's unzipped.  It's obvious!

JOHN
B--

FRANK
Just please tell me you weren't doing it to the Big Dipper.

John stands frozen.

FRANK
(cont'd)
Oh Jesus, you were doing to the Big Dipper!    That's mine and Leslie's constellation.  You know that!  How could you do that?

John shrugs helplessly.

FRANK
God, you're such an asshole.

Frank storms back into the house.

John thinks for a moment.  He looks up and continues masturbating.

BLACKOUT.

Engagement Ring

Lights up on Jewelry boutique.  SAM enters.

SAM: Hi, I'd like to return this engagement ring.

CLERK: Okay.  What may I ask is the reason for the return?

SAM: Oh, uh... it didn't work out.

CLERK: What didn't work out?

SAM: The... relationship didn't work out.

CLERK: Oh.  I see.  So, would you like to exchange for another ring?  One... more to your liking?

SAM: No.  I don't need any more rings.  My fiancee left me for another man.  That's it for me and rings.  I just want my money back, please.

CLERK: Oh, money.  I'm sorry, how silly of me.  I thought this was an exchange, not a return.

SAM: Yes.

CLERK: Deepest apologies, sir.

SAM: It's okay.

CLERK: Now before I can give you your money back, I just need to ask you a couple of questions.  Store policy.

SAM: Sure.

CLERK: Question one, what was your source of dissatisfaction with the product?

SAM: There was no source of dissatisfaction with the product.  It's me, I'm the source of dissatisfaction.  That's why my fiancee left me.

CLERK: Okay... question two.  Are there any suggestions you would make to the manufacturer to improve this product?

SAM: No.

CLERK: (incredulous) No?  Really?

SAM: Yeah.  Like I said like ten times already, the product is fine.

CLERK: Okay so there's nothing that you could think of to improve this ring?  Nothing at all? It's absolutely SAM:00% perfect?

SAM: Alll right, fine. Uhh, the ring could use some work in the arena of making my fiancee not leave me.   There's definitely some room for improvement there.

CLERK: I'll just put "no comment." (Pause while writing)  But seriously, just between you and me, what's your issue with the ring?

SAM: Okay, for the last time, the ring is fine!  My issue is that I no longer have a bride—

SAM: signals to absence of bride.

SAM (cont'd): ...to put it on!  Do you see a bride here?

CLERK: No, I suppose I don't.  Very well.  Here is a full refund.

CLERK gives refund.

SAM: Thank you.

CLERK: Good day.

SAM leaves.  His fiancee, JANE, is waiting outside.

JANE:  So did he buy the story about me leaving you?

SAM: Yeah.

JANE:  Great.  Now we can go and get a ring that doesn't look like it's been stolen out of a hobo lady's ass.

SAM: Of course, Dear.  I love you.

JANE: Shut up. Don't touch me.

 

SAM: Okay.

END.

Cool 88.5: Smooth Jazz... for Orphans

MALE ANNOUNCER: You're listening to Cool 88.5. 

 

SEXY FEMALE:  Cool 88.5.

 

BARITONE MALE: Smooooth Jazz...

 

SEXY FEMALE:  ...for Orphans.  

 

MALE ANNOUNCER: Every morning, afternoon, evening, and on into the late hours of the night, Cool 88.5 is the place to be for all the sweet smooth jazz sounds that orphans crave.

 

SEXY FEMALE:  Cool 88.5.

 

BARITONE MALE: Smooooth Jazz...

 

SEXY FEMALE:  ...for Orphans.  

 

MALE ANNOUNCER: Kenny G, Miles Tompkins, Marcus Fivefingers, Nyte Flyte, and Bill Shakataki;  all the smooth jazz artists an orphan could want, all in one place at long last. And me, DJ Fatbone, bringing it home, or lack thereof, all weekend long. 

 

SEXY FEMALE:  Cool 88.5.

 

BARITONE MALE: Smooooth Jazz...

 

SEXY FEMALE:  ...for Orphans.

 

MALE ANNOUNCER:  This message is brought to you by... Porridge.  Porridge: it's sustenance all right!

 

END

Fairy Godzuckerberg

BRIAN is at his computer screen. PETE is watching TV and eating popcorn.


BRIAN: Pete. Pete. Pete.

PETE: What is it? It's the American Gladiator Season Finale!

BRIAN: It's Lori. She signed onto Facebook in over 3 hours. Do you think she's met someone else?

PETE: Dude, I told you-- let that bitch soak in her own brine. You can do better than her.

BRIAN: Her last status update was "Getting some soup." What does that mean, getting some soup? Getting some soup with who? ANOTHER GUY?!

PETE: I can't watch this. I'm going to Shoprite to buy Steak-Umms and porn. Try to scrape up some dignity before I get back.

Pete EXITS.

BRIAN: Oh my god, she's playing Scramble with 3 guys at once. That fucking slut. (typing) Lori, you bitch. I fucking miss you so much. Why did you do this to me? WHY?

MARC ZUCKERBERG, the twentysomething founder of FACEBOOK appears behind BRIAN. He wears angel wings and radiates an aura of peace and love.

MARC ZUCKERBERG: Are you sure that's a wise thing to post one someone's wall?

BRIAN: Who are you?

MARC ZUCKERBERG: Don't you recognize me?

MARC ZUCKERBERG holds up a magazine with his face on the cover. The bi-line reads "BILLIONAIRE VIRGINS."

BRIAN: Marc Zuckerberg! No way!

MARC ZUCKERBERG: Yes Brian, it's me, child prodigy and Fortune 500 C.E.O. and Founder of Facebook, Marc Zuckerberg. And if I'm not mistaken, you've got a case of the lonely hearts for one Miss Lori Thompson.
BRIAN: Yeah. How'd you know?

MARC: Well, when you reach an income bracket like mine, let's just say you develop a certain intuition for these things. And this portable Facebook usage surveillance device doesn't exactly hurt, either.
BRIAN: Wow, can I see that?

MARC: Of course not. This doodad is meant only for the eyes of Zuckerberg.

BRIAN: Okay. Well, then why are you here?

MARC: Excellent Question, Young Brian.

BRIAN: Actually, I'm 5 years older than you.

MARC: --I'm here, well, to set you free.

BRIAN: Free?

MARC: That's right.  Free from your heartbreak.  See, when I created Facebook all those years ago.

BRIAN: You mean 2004?

MARC: ..I wanted it to be a place of quiet bliss, where fellow alumni could send each other virtual Pina Colattas after a hard days' work, chumps could bite other chumps, and you could give your sister in Colorado a poke anytime you wanted, or even a Superpoke if you were feeling so inclined. I didn't intend for people to sit and writhe in a puddle of their own misery, constantly checking to see whether or not  their ex-boyfriends' and girlfriends' were still listed as single.

BRIAN: I guess you're right, Mark Zuckerberg.

MARC: Of course Mark Zuckerberg is right. You don't start a social networking site that boasts over 100 Million users worldwide by being wrong. I mean, look at that. Your FunWall, it's practically empty! Haven't you written on any of your friends' FunWalls lately?

BRIAN: No, not lately.

MARC: Well there ya go!

BRIAN: But it's Lori, she's all I can think about it.

MARC: I understand. You know, much like you, Mark Zuckerberg had a lady love, once.

BRIAN: Really?
MARC: No. I was too busy developing Facebook for stuff like that. And now, any girl I date, I'm suspicious that she's only interested because of the money. It's a hell-ish prison of anxiety and self-doubt. The point is, Brian, you have to get on with your life. Here, I have something for you.

MARC ZUCKERBERG pulls out a hackysack and places it in BRIAN'S hand.

BRIAN: A Facebook hackysack! Awesome!

MARC: Now why don't you change your status message to "Brian is: thinking of going over to Central Park in an hour for a hack. Anyone Wanna Join?"

BRIAN: That's a great idea, Mark Zuckerberg, you're a genius!

MARK: Actually, I'm a billionaire child prodigy, but close enough. Anyway, it's time for Mark Zuckerberg to get back to Palo Alto.  Shareholders get worried if I'm outside a five-mile radius of Facebook headquarters for longer than an hour at a time. Oh what a piss-poor existence Mark Zuckerberg leads.

BRIAN: Okay. Goodbye, Mark Zuckerberg! And thanks for watching over me!

MARK ZUCKERBERG floats away.

MARK: Mark Zuckerberg watches over everyone. And remember, anytime you need me, I'm just a (lil) Green patch away!

MARK ZUCKERBERG disappears.

MARK ZUCKERBERG (offstage): Shit, I ripped a wing.

THE END.

I LIKED YOU BETTER

Sidenote: This is my first "musical number"-type sketch.  Also, this is the second sketch I've written this month featuring an animal singing and dancing with a top hat and cane.  I do not want to know what this means about me.

 

MIRANDA, 21, IS LYING  STOMACH FIRST ON A BED.  SHE SPEAKS ON A PHONE.  SHE IS KICKING HER FEET IN THE AIR, LAUGHING, AND TWIRLING HER HAIR.

MIRANDA
(On Phone, Laughing)
Tom, you're such an asshole!  So, like, are you coming over tonight?

ENTER UNCLE JACK, A FRAIL OLD MAN.

JACK
Miranda, I have some fresh towels for y--

MIRANDA
Oh, hey Uncle Jack!  Shh, I'm on the phone with Tom.  Oh, and by the way, I borrowed one or two of your cereal bars, I was hungry after my workout, sorry!
(to TOM)  Hey Tommy.  Hey, could you hold on a second? Thanks.

(presses CALL WAITING BUTTON)  Hey Robby, what's up?

JACK
Miranda?  Er, Miranda?  We need to talk.

MIRANDA
(On Phone)
Totally call you back. Toots.
(Hangs up)
What's up, Uncle J?

JACK
Miranda, you know I love you, and you'll always be my favorite niece, but... How can I put this?  I...I liked you better when you were fat.

MIRANDA
Huh?

JACK
Hold on a second. 

UNCLE JACK LOOKS AROUND. 

JACK
Ah there they are! 

HE PUTS ON TOP HAT AND CANE

JACK (Cont'd)
Bare with me, us old people tend to express ourselves best through musical numbers.  (Clears throat) Maestro?

CUE OLD TIMEY, UP-TEMPO, JAZZ BEAT.

UNCLE JACK (Cont'd, singing)
I liked you better when you were fat.
I liked you better when you were large.
I liked you better when you were... clinically obese!
Yes, I liked you better when you were fat.

MIRANDA
But why?  Since I lost weight, I'm happier, healthier, and for the first time in my life, I actually feel good about myself!

JENKINS
Well let me explain.

Y'see, the old Miranda of plus 400 hundred pounds
Used to be so shy she'd barely make a sound.
Now ya talk all day But you've got nothing to say!
Sure you're skinny but you're dumber than a fish fillet.
So I liked ya better when you were round!

MIRANDA
Oh come on, you're just joking... right?

JACK
Nope!  There's more!

The old Miranda used to scare away the boys.
Now I can't get to bed because of all of that mattress noise!
You were once the model of respect and humility
Now you're vagina's busier than a public facility.
So I liked you better when you were fat.

MIRANDA
Oh my god, you can hear me... doing it? 

JACK
Yep, and so can Mrs. Applebee upstairs!

MIRANDA
Ew!

JACK
Now you're gettin' it!

MIRANDA
Well, fine, Uncle Jack!  Suit yourself, but at least my friends like me better thin!

ENTER 2 FRIENDS, TOM AND KATHY, WEARING TOP HATS AND HOLDING CANES.

TOM AND KATHY
NOPE!

MIRANDA
What?

TOM AND KATHY
(Singing)
We liked you better when you were fat
We liked you better when you were large.
We liked you better when you were... hard to look!
We liked you better when you were fat.
 

MIRANDA

But why?

 

TOM

Miranda, when you were fat, we were concerned about your health.
 

 

KATHY

But having fat friends make us feel better about ourselves!
 

 

TOM

Now that you're a size four,

our self-esteem's hit the floor!
 

 

TOM AND KATHY

So we liked you better when you were fat!

MIRANDA
That's really messed up!
 

TOM AND KATHY

We know!
 

 

MIRANDA

Well, you know what? Screw all of you!  At least my dog Rover likes me this way.
 
JACK
Guess again!
 
MIRANDA
What?

ENTER ROVER (A PUPPET), WITH A TOP HAT AND CANE.

ROVER
(to the tune of the song)
Ruff, ruff ruff ruff-ruff, ruff ruff ruff ruff.

MIRANDA
Rover, not you too!

ROVER
Ruff, ruff ruff ruff-ruff, ruff ruff ruff ruff.

MIRANDA
Hey, I do not have varicose vains!... do I?

ROVER
Ruff, ruff ruff ruff-ruff,
Ruff, ruff ruff ruff-ruff, Ruff, ruff ruff ruff-rat.
 

KATHY

Right on, Rover!
 

 

JACK

That dog can sing all right!
 

 

TOM

One more time!
 

 

JACK, KATHY, TOM, ROVER

We liked you better when you were fat.
 

 

TOM

We really mean it...
 

 

JACK, KATHY, TOM, ROVER

We liked you better when you were fat.
 

 

MIRANDA

I can't believe this.
 

 

JACK, KATHY, TOM, ROVER

Yes we liked you better when you were faaaa-aaaat.
 

 

ROVER TAP DANCES.  END SONG. PAUSE.
 

JACK

So, are you going to get fat again?
 

 

MIRANDA

What?  Of course not.
 

 

KATHY

Then grab her, fellas!
 

 

JACK, TOM AND ROVER GRAB AND RESTRAIN MIRANDA.  KATHY PULLS OUT A REESE'S PIECES PEANUT BUTTER PIE AND PREPARES TO FORCEFEED IT TO MIRANDA
 

MIRANDA

No... no...   NOOOOO!!!
 

 

BLACKOUT.

WHAT IS IT?

Sidenote:  My girlfriend told me not to post this.  She's probably right.  But, eh, whatever.  Happy Sketch Month!

Open on COFFEE SHOP.  Two friends, STEVE AND TODD, are having breakfast.

TODD
What a cup of coffee this is, huh?  This is spectacular.  What do they do to this coffee to make it so good?  You know, I was reading in the Times, there's a restaurant in the South that actually puts a little bit of paprika in its coffee. And the kicker is, people actually love it!  Sales have gone through the roof!  Imagine that, paprika coffee!  But damn, I'll bet it doesn't hold a candle to this stuff.

TODD takes sip of coffee.

TODD (cont'd)
Mmm!  Mm-mm-mm!  You know what?   I feel like I'm drinking Africa when I drink this coffee.  That's right—the entire continent of Africa.  The deep, rich, bold heart of the great Continent of—

STEVE
Todd, what is it?

TODD
I'm gay.

A few moments of thick silence.  They continue eating their breakfasts.

TODD (cont'd)
This bacon's nothin' to scoff at either.  Crispy, but with the right amount of give.  Flavorful, too.  Kind of reminds me of … a smokey… prairie.  Yeah, a prairie with a lot of smoke, that's been set on fire.  You know, I read in the Post about this one town in Indiana that gets so hot during the summer that you can actually cook bacon on a fire hydrant.  And people do it, too!  Can you imagine that?  Cookin' bacon on a fire hydrant?  Not for me, no thank you!  At least not in this city, not with the amount of dogs that—

STEVE
Todd, what is it?

TODD
I'm gay for you.

Another few moments of thick silence.  They continue eating their breakfasts.

TODD (cont'd)
You know, I'm willing to wager that whoever baked this corn muffin is related to Stephen Hawking.  Maybe a nephew, maybe a sibling, maybe even just a distant cousin, but that's the only way I can think to justify the superior understanding of physics that it must have taken to produce such a high-level of corn muffin.  You know, scientists say that in 50 years all the particles in the universe will be—

STEVE
Todd?

TODD
I had sex with you.  Last night.  After you fell asleep on the sofa watching Nightline, I pulled down my pants and had sex with your mouth.  I was actually kind of amazed you  didn't wake up or gag or anything.  To be honest, I've been doing that every night for about a month or so, ever since I realized I was gay.  I've been fucking your mouth after Nightline.

Another few moments of thick silence.  They continue eating their breakfasts.

TODD (cont'd)
Restaurant napkins are interesting.  I always wondered, are they really allowed to sell these in Supermarkets?  How come that's not illegal?

STEVE gives TODD an angry look.

TODD (cont'd)
I posted pictures of it on the internet.  Me having sex with your mouth.  I've actually started my own website, steveonmycouch.com.  It's really taking off.  I was proud of it, so I sent it to all your friends and family.  That may have something to do with why Shelley broke up with you.  And also, why your dad's not speaking to you, although that I'm not 100% sure about.  Did you guys have a fight, or…?

Another few moments of thick silence.  They continue eating their breakfasts.

TODD
Hey, I have an idea.  This is on me. 
(To WAITER)
Waiter?  Check please!
(To STEVE)
So… doing anything later?

STEVE
Todd!

TODD
All right, your father actually had a stroke when he saw the website.  He's been in intensive care for a week.  They say there's a small chance he might pull through, but it doesn't look good.  So just in case, I've been making funeral arrangements.

STEVE
Todd!

TODD
All right, the funeral was yesterday.  I meant to tell you, but I was tired from fucking your mouth the night before.

Pause.

TODD (cont'd)
You must be pretty angry, huh?

STEVE
Yeah, but not about anything you said.

TODD
Huh?

STEVE
I'm gay for you too.  And my father was a prick who deserved to die.

TODD
Oh… then why are you angry?

STEVE
You're on my foot.

TODD realizes his foot has been on STEVE's foot the entire time. He moves it.

TODD
Oh.  Sorry.

END.

SMIRK

EXT. GARDEN - DAY

 

SHOTS OF FLOWERS IN BLOOM.  A FEMALE ANNOUNCER SPEAKS.  SHE SOUNDS BRIGHT, GENTLE, AND NURTURING.

 

ANNOUNCER (V.O)

These days, lots of compilations offer classical music claiming to make your baby more intelligent.  But in this day and age, "intelligent" only goes so far.  What if you want something more?  Introducing Smirk: Classical Music to Distort Your Baby's Brain. 

 

CUT TO:

 

CD COVER.  THE SINISTER FACE OF A BABY VERSION OF DR. ZARKOV, THE EVIL GENIUS FROM FLASH GORDON.

 

ANNOUNCER

The only classical music CD that not only raises your baby's IQ, but increases his capacity for evil.  Sound too good to be true?  Here's how it works. 

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. LABORATORY – NIGHT

 

EVIL GENIUSES EVERYWHERE. SOME SIT WITH HEADPHONES ON.  SOME HOLD LP'S AND CONSULT WITH EACH OTHER.

 

ANNOUNCER

Our trained musicologists listen to thousands of LP's.  Then, twelve tracks are carefully selected which prove to be both intellectually nurturing, as well as fundamentally unsettling.  Special preference is given to composers who were struggling with demons, at odds with the human race, or just plain down on their luck at the time.

 

TITLE ROLL:

 

Misanthrope's Delight

Sonata for an Early Apocalypse

Ode to a Malevolent Universe.

All Humans Must Perish

 

ANNOUNCER

With enough time and listening, your child will absorb the malice, ill-will, and moral indifference that this music was inspired by, sort of like the pink slime in Ghostbusters II, only this time, it's no joke.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. BABY NURSES  – DAY

 

MOTHER AND FATHER GIVE TESTIMONIAL.  THEY LOOK LIKE EVIL GENIUSES.

 

MOTHER

Our first daughter, Tabitha, got involved in community service early on.  Now she says she wants to join the Peace Corps.

 

FATHER

We didn't want to make the same mistake twice.  Now, with Smirk...

 

FATHER LOOKS OVER AT CRIB.

 

CUT TO:

 

BABY'S HAND PRESSES BIG RED BUTTON ON A MAKESHIFT DEVICE LABELLED "DETONATOR." 

 

CUT TO:

 

BABY'S MOBILE BURSTING INTO FLAMES.

 

CUT TO:

 

BABY GRINS.  BABY HAS A EVIL GENIUS-ESQUE MUSTACHE AND GOATEE.

 

CUT BACK TO:

 

PARENTS LOOKING AT FLAMING MOBILE.  THEY LOOK FORWARD AGAIN

 

FATHER

(Smirking)

That's no longer a concern.

 

MOTHER AND FATHER SMILE AT EACH OTHER.  THEY START LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY.

 

CUT TO:

 

CLOSE-UP OF CD PACKAGE, ON THE DESK OF A LABORATORY.

 

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Smirk.  Evil babies.  It's what we do.

 

END.

MICKEY D’S BOWOW

LIGHTS UP ON KEVIN DONOHUE, 34-YEAR-OLD McDONALD’S EMPLOYEE.  HE IS DRESSED IN DENIM PANTS, A DENIM SHIRT, A DENIM VEST, AND A DENIM MCDONALD’S VISOR.  HE ALSO WEARS GLASSES AND A HEADSET.

KEVIN
And that concludes our monthly McHealthbenefits update.   Now I’m going to open the floor for a Q&A Session, but before I do, I want to say how much all of us in management value the effort each and every one of you puts in on a day-to-day basis.  I mean, being a McDonald’s employee is hard enough.  But being a McDonald’s employee in the McDonald’s that’s inside Lil Bowow’s mansion, well… that’s a pickle of a different cucumber.  So I just wanted to say thanks.  Okay, now let’s open up the floor for some questions.  Tammy, I see you have your hand up.  What is your question? 

PAUSE.

Did everybody hear that?    Okay, I’ll repeat it. “There are rumors going around that Lil Bowow has become a vegetarian.  Are those rumors true, and if so, what does that mean for us?”  All right, well, here’s what I know. Last month, Lil Bowow’s managers told us that they heard from Lil Bowow’s Personal assistant, Lil Knackknack, that Lil Bowow was indeed going to try out vegetarianism for a while.  I don’t know if or how long that’s going to last, so in the mean time all we can do is continue to make the freshest salads and the most delicious McVeggie burgers we can in the event that Lil Bowow gets hungry for some Mickey D’s.   And let me remind you that all seven members of Lil Bowow’s posse are still proud, card-carrying carnivores.  So we’re not going anywhere.  Next question?  Rodriguo, go ahead. 

PAUSE.

Okay, Rodriguo asks: “How is it that Lil Bowow can afford to keep a fully operational McDonald’s in his home when he hasn’t released an album in seven years?”  Excellent question, Rodriguo.  Well, I’m going to be honest with you here.  I have no idea how Lil Bowow makes money.  Some say he owns stock in Google, some say he has a trust fund, some say he has ties to Big Oil.  I don’t know.  That’s really none of our concern.  I’ll tell you what is our concern.  Every day that you and I go to work, we are competing with every piece of food that is Lil Bowow’s stainless steel Kenmore duplex refrigerator.  Why should Lil Bow Wow come all the way down to his Private Food Court on the First Floor, when he can just heat up a Hot Pocket in his kitchen on the third floor, or better yet, have one of his butlers defrost some Elio’s Pizza for him in his Kitchenette just outside his master bedroom suite on the fourth floor? Ooo Elio’s, yeah that’s right, I said it.  I’ll tell you why he should.  Because you can’t get quality service and warm, friendly smiles get from a Hot Pocket.  You can’t a “Good Morning, Mr. Bowow, that’s a lovely necklace you’re wearing today” from a Hot Pocket.  “Mr. Bowow, I see you’ve lost weight.  I think those Pilates sessions are really starting to pay off!”

AWKWARD PAUSE.

You can’t get that from a Hot Pocket!  That’s something Lil Bowow can only get from the fine upstanding men and women who work right here at Mickey D’s Bowow.  I rest my case.  Elton, what’s your question?

PAUSE.

Elton wants to know, “Why aren’t we allowed to make eye contact with Lil Bowow?”  Excellent question.  To be honest, I’ve been wondering about that one myself.  All I know is that one day I received a letter from Bowow Management saying that we were no longer permitted to look Lil Bowow in the eye, because it,  quote, “fucks his shit up.”  Take that as you will. 

Merico, you’ve had your hand up for a while.

PAUSE.

Merico wants to know, “Do we have to wear these doggy bones around our necks, even when Lil Bowow is out of the country?”

KEVIN REVEALS A GIANT DOGGY BONE CHAIN NECKLACE THAT HAS BEEN HANGING FROM THE BACK OF HIS NECK.

KEVIN
(cont’d)
That’s a very good question.  Yes, always have your doggybone necklaces on whenever you’re on Lil Bowow’s Estate.  If you are caught without one, you will be fired on site.  As a matter of fact, Merico, you’re fired, just for asking that question.  Pack up your things and leave.  No, I’m not kidding.  Get out.  Go.

KEVIN WATCHES MERICO LEAVE.

KEVIN
(cont’d)
Any other questions?

PAUSE.

KEVIN
(cont’d)
Great, thanks everyone.

THE END.

Just Trying To Catch Up Here, Folks

Superimposed: "THE YEAR 2013."

 

CUT TO:

 

INT KITCHEN – NIGHT

 

Roommates BILL and JAKE are sitting at kitchen table eating sandwiches.

 

BILL: Hey Jake.

 

JAKE: Yeah, Bill?

 

BILL: Remember back in 2008 when everyone was afraid that Sarah Palin would actually become Vice President and maybe even President?

 

JAKE: Oh yeah, I remember.

 

BILL:  Can you believe we were actually worried about that?

 

JAKE: Not at all!

 

BILL and JAKE laugh heartily.

 

ENTER COOKIE MONSTER.

 

CM: Good night guys!

 

BILL AND JAKE: Oh, goodnight Cookie Monster.

 

COOKIE MONSTER exits.  BILL and JAKE continue laughing heartily.  BILL stops.

 

BILL: Hey, wait a minute.  We're not friends with Cookie Monster.

 

JAKE stops laughing.

 

BILL:  Cookie Monster isn't even real!

 

JAKE:  Oh my god, you're right!

 

BILL AND JAKE: AHHHHHH!

 

DISSOLVE TO:

 

INT. BILL AND JAKE'S BEDROOM - MORNING

 

BILL and JAKE awake in their respective beds.  To their surprise, they are both are dressed in hockey gear and holding rifles.

 

BILL AND JAKE: AHHHHHH!

 

CUT TO: 

 

A poster on the wall that reads "DRILL, BABY, DRILL."

 

BILL AND JAKE: AHHHHHH!

 

CUT TO: 

 

A poster on the wall that reads KILL, BABY, KILL (ABORTION DOCTORS).

 

BILL AND JAKE: AHHHHHH!

 

CUT TO: 

 

-A stuffed moosehead mounted on their wall

-A stuffed deerhead mounted on their wall,

-the stuffed head of Cookie Monster mounted on their wall. 

 

BILL AND JAKE: AHHHHHHHHHH!

 

COOKIE MONSTER'S HEAD: AHHHHHHHHH!

 

THE END.

X-RAY SKETCH

LIGHTS UP ON X-RAY ROOM.  FEMALE TECHNICIAN, RANDI, IS IN THE OPERATING KIOSK (STAGE RIGHT).  TOM, A PATIENT, IS STANDING AT STAGE LEFT.  HE IS WEARING A HOSPITAL GOWN.  HE IS TRYING HARD TO KEEP STILL.  LIGHTS FLASH BRIGHTLY INDICATING THAT RANDI HAS JUST TAKEN AN X-RAY OF HIM.

RANDI
All right, Mr. Hutchins.  Now, please face the other way so I can get a side view of your torso.

TOM
Okay.

RANDI LIFTS UP AN X-RAY OF TOM'S INSIDES AND LOOKS AT IT.  SHE BEGINS SQUINTING AT IT.  THIS GOES ON FOR A FEW SECONDS. RANDI BEGINS MOUTHING THE WORDS "WHAT THE F--." TOM TAKES NOTICE OF THIS.

TOM
Um, is everything okay?

RANDI
(Suddenly alert)
What? Oh! Yeah, everything's fine.  Just making sure I got a good angle.  Okay, arms up.

TOM RAISES HIS ARMS. X-RAY LIGHTS FLASH. 

RANDI LOOKS AT THE NEW X-RAY.  SHE HOLDS IT CLOSE TO HER FACE.  SHE HANGS IT ON THE WALL.  SHE WRINKLES HER NOSE, APPEARING TO FIND WHATEVER SHE IS LOOKING AT "ICKY." 

TOM
Uh, was that good?

RANDI
Yeah, that was great, thanks.

TOM
So, can I put my arms down now?

RANDI
Oh, right.  Sure.  Sorry.

TOM
Listen, are you sure everything's okay?  From where I'm standing, you like kind of... perplexed.

RANDI
Nah.  Um, hold on a second?

RANDI EXITS.  A MOMENT LATER SHE RE-ENTERS WITH KOSELL, A JAMAICAN X-RAY TECH.  SHE WAVES HIM IN AND POINTS TO TOM'S X-RAYS.  KOSELL STARES CLOSELY AT THE X-RAYS, SQUINTING.  KOSELL LOOKS OUTRIGHT HORRIED, MORESO THAN RANDI.  AFTER A MOMENT, WE SEE KOSELL SLOWLY SHAKE HIS HEAD, MOUTHING THE WORDS, "NO! NO NO NO NO!"

TOM
Uhh, so what's going on?

RANDI
Oh, we're just, uhh, tidying up the machine.  Just hold on a sec.

WHILE KOSELL CONTINUES TO SQUINT, RANDI WAVES ANOTHER X-RAY TECH, JOE, INSIDE THE ROOM.  JOE ENTERS.  RANDI GESTURES TO TOM'S X-RAY.  JOE GLANCES AT IT AND IMMEDIATELY BEGINS PROJECTILE VOMITING.  HE DOUBLES OVER WHILE RANDI AND KOSELL CONTINUE FOCUSING ON TOM'S X-RAY.

TOM
All right, uhh, I don't know what's going on here, but I kind of feeling I'm not getting the whole story.

RANDI
Sir, a doctor will be in soon to tell you the prognosis.  But I assure you, there's nothing to worry about.

RANDI OPENS THE DOOR.  BEHIND IT, THERE ARE REPORTERS AND PHOTOGRAPHERS TRYING TO GET IT. ONE PHOTOGRAPHER SILENTLY ARGUES WITH RANDI ABOUT COMING IN.  THEY FINALLY REACH A COMPROMISE.  "ALL RIGHT, JUST ONE!" RANDI MOUTHS.

A PHOTOGRAPHER ENTERS, KNEELS DOWN , AND TAKES PICTURE OF TOM'S X-RAY.  PHOTOGRAPHER LOWERS CAMERA AND MOUTHS THE WORDS, "POOR BASTARD" WHILE LOOKING AT TOM. HE CONTINUES PHOTOGRAPHING THE X-RAY PRINTS.

TOM
Um, excuse me.  Why are there reporters and photographers in this x-ray facility?  I thought this was supposed to be a... private thing here!

RANDI
I'm sorry, sir.  First amendment, they can do what they want.

TOM
I'm not sure that applies here, but okay.

ENTER TRIBAL LEADER.  HE TAKES OFF HIS HEADDRESS AND COWTOWS TO TOM'S X-RAY.

TOM
Who's that?

RANDI
That's Mulu the Destroyer.  He works in the cafeteria downstairs.

ENTER DOCTOR.

DOCTOR
Mr. Hutchins.  I'm Dr. Stevenson.  Sorry to keep you waiting so long.  It's just that I'm the only living expert in what most would consider to be your rare and downright freakish medical disorder.  See, what's ailing you is... is, um.  (To RANDI)  Say, hand me that x-ray again. 

RANDI HANDS DOCTOR THE X-RAY.  DOCTOR LOOKS AT IT.  HE THEN TURNS IT UPSIDE DOWN AND LOOKS AGAIN.

DOCTOR
(Cont'd)
Come to think of it, I have no idea WHAT this is.  No idea at all.  And if I don't, no one on Earth does either, that's for sure. Oh well.  (TO TECHS)  See you guys at the bar.

TECHS
See ya Doc.

DOCTOR LEAVES.

RANDI
Well... that'll be 20 bucks for the x-rays.

THE END.

THOROUGH VETTING

LIGHTS UP ON RESEARCH FACILITY.  THREE MEN SIT AROUND CONFERENCE TABLE, RECLINING WITH THEIR LEGS UP.

RESEARCHER 1
I don't know, I think Chicken McNuggets taste best with Honey Barbecue Sauce.

RESEARCHER 2
No, definitely Honey Mustard.  Honey Mustard is the undisputed champion.

RESEARCHER 3
(Cunning) No, you're both wrong.

RESEARCHER 3 HOLDS UP A PACKET OF DUCK SAUCE.

RESEARCHER 3
DUCK SAUCE!!! It's the secret the fast food companies don't want you to know.

RESEARCHERS 1 and 2
Whooooa!

RESEARCHERS DIP THEIR CHICKEN MCNUGGETS IN HIS DUCK SAUCE.

RESEARCHER 1
Holy shit, Stevens, I think you may be onto something!

RESEARCHER 2
(mouth full)  This is amazing!

RESEARCHER 3 SHRUGS, AS IF TO SAY, "WHAT CAN I SAY? I'M AWESOME!"

LIGHTS DIM.  IN FOREGROUND, JOHN MCCAIN ENTERS.

MCCAIN
Hi, I'm Presidential Candidate John McCain. Recently, many critics and so-called "political commentators"
have lambasted my choice of Sarah Palin as my running mate, as a hastily-vetted decision, done without proper research.
The fact is, my campaign spent months conducting research before carefully deciding on a candidate.

LIGHTS DOWN ON MCCAIN.  LIGHTS UP ON RESEARCH COMMITTEE.

RESEARCHER 2
Hey guys, check this out.

RESEARCHER 2 BITES THE ENDS OFF 2 TWIZZLERS, STICKS THEM IN HIS NOSTRILS, AND STICKS THE OTHER ENDS IN A SODA.

RESEARCHER 1
Holy shit, he's drinking it! He's really drinking it!

LIGHTS DIM.  LIGHTS UP ON MCCAIN.

MCCAIN
After the selection pool was narrowed down to a few key contenders, each potential candidate was put through a variety of hypothetical situations

LIGHTS DOWN ON MCCAIN.  LIGHTS UP ON RESEARCH COMMITTEE.

RESEARCHER 1 IS STANDING UP A CAT ON ITS HIND LEGS. RESEARCHER 2 IS HOLDING A TOP HAT OVER THE CAT, AND A CANE IN FRONT OF IT.

RESEARCHER 1
(old-timey singing voice)  That's why they call me, that's why they call me, that's why they call me Meowskers, the Dancing Caa-aa-aaaat!

RESEARCHER 3
Holy shit! It's like the cat is really tap dancing!

RESEARCHER 2
(laughing joyously) I know!

LIGHTS DIM.  LIGHTS UP ON MCCAIN.

MCCAIN
Once we finally decided on Ms. Palin, we made sure to conduct a thorough investigation of her personal and political past.

LIGHTS DOWN ON MCCAIN.  LIGHTS UP ON RESEARCH COMMITTEE.

RESEARCHER 1
I'm telling you, Terminator can beat Reanimator in a fight any day of the week.  One reanimates, one Terminates.  Where's the debate?

RESEARCHER 2
I dunno...

RESEARCHER 3
OK guys, enough dicking around.  Time to get down to business.

RESEARCHER 3 SETS UP NET ON TABLE.  RESEARCHERS 1 AND 2 TAKE OUT PING PONG RACKETS AND START PLAYING.  RESEARCHER 3 STANDS IN THE MIDDLE. HE BEGINS CHANTING:

RESEARCHER 3
USA! USA!

LIGHTS DIM.  LIGHTS UP ON MCCAIN.

MCCAIN
And now that the hard work of vetting is finally over, I'm proud to announce that America has found a strong and
competent leader in Ms. Palin. 

ENTER SARAH PALIN.  SHE STANDS BEHIND JOHN MCCAIN.

MCCAIN (cont'd)
We look forward to serving you, America.

SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: MCCAIN-PALIN '08.

MEOWSKERS (V.O.)
My name is Meowskers the Dancing Cat and I approve this message.

THE END.

PRETENTIOUS MUCH?

EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY

TWO FRIENDS, FRIEND 1 AND FRIEND 2, ARE "CHILLING" AGAINST A WALL NEXT TO A CONVENIENCE STORE.

FRIEND 2 IS SHAKING HEAD WITH DISAPPROVAL, TRYING TO GET FRIEND 1 TO NOTICE. FRIEND 2 FINALLY SPEAKS.

FRIEND 2: I can't believe you, man.

FRIEND 1: What?

FRIEND 2: What?  Seriously?

FRIEND 1: Yeah?

FRIEND 2: That license plate of yours is the most pretentious thing I've ever seen.

CUT TO:

FRIEND 1's CAR, PARKED A FEW FEET AWAY. License plate reads "K5F G76."

FRIEND 1: Why?

FRIEND 2: As if you didn't already know.  Psh.

FRIEND 1: I dunno. It's just the one they gave to me when I bought the Volvo.

FRIEND 2: Sure, whatever.  Next thing you know you'll be dragging me to see 6-hour-long Andy Warhol movies about cement drying.

FRIEND 1: Who's Andy Warhol?

FRIEND 2: Oh, even better.

FRIEND 1 TAKES OUT A BOTTLE OF POLAND SPRING WATER AND TAKES A SIP. FRIEND 2 WATCHES IN AMAZEMENT.

FRIEND 2: This is just perfect!

FRIEND 1: What?

FRIEND 2: Poland spring? Are you serious

FRIEND 1: What? I'm thirsty!

FRIEND 2: Yeah, about as thirsty as a 1920's Postmodern German Expressionist Sculptor, I'll bet!

FRIEND 1: I have no idea what any of those words mean.

FRIEND 2: Of course not.  I'm out of here, you smug, self-satisfied ass.

FRIEND 2 STORMS OFF.

FRIEND 1: (calling to FRIEND 2) Starflower! Wait, come back! I'm sorry!

FRIEND 2: (in the distance) Forget you!

HIPSTERS 1 AND 2 WALK BY.

HIPSTER 1: Hey, awesome license plate.

HIPSTER 2: Yeah, man.  Hardcore.

FRIEND 1: Oh, thanks.

HIPSTERS POUND FRIEND 1'S FIST AND WALK AWAY.

HIPSTER 1:  Fuck, did you see that?

HIPSTER 2:  Yeah, what a statement.

THE END.

HOW TO FLIP OVER A TABLE

HOW TO FLIP OVER A TABLE Draft 1

by Matt Koff

Cut to: 

Black screen. Superimposed white title: "HOW TO FLIP OVER A TABLE"

INT. DINING ROOM -- NIGHT

Dinner party.  Two couples are seated at a table.  We do not hear the couple's voices.  They act out the narrators' words.  Narrator's voice is prosaic and British.

  

NARRATOR (V.O.)

You are over at a friend's house for dinner.  The mood is jovial, light, frothy.  You and your friend stumble onto the topic of politics.  Suddenly, the discussion turns heated.  You and your friend disagree vehemently about something. You try and get him to listen to reason, but he just isn't having it.  It becomes clear that words just aren't doing the job.  A bigger gesture is needed. In such  a scenario, you may want to consider--

  

Cut to: 

Black screen. Superimposed white title: "FLIPPING THE TABLE OVER"

  

NARRATOR (V.O)

...flipping the table over.

  

Superimposed title: "PART 1: THINGS TO CONSIDER BEFORE FLIPPING OVER A TABLE"

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Part 1.  Things to consider before flipping over a table.

Superimposed title:  The Element of Surprise

NARRATOR (V.O.)

If perpetrated correctly, the table flip will always come as a complete surprise.  This is why, before you flip a table over, it's important to appear calm. You don't want to tip your hand.  Case in point.

  

Cut To:

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Dinner Party.  A man is standing up.  He is raving hysterically at a fellow dinner guest.

Man flips over table. One female dinner guest gestures to another, as if to say, "Well, of COURSE.”

NARRATOR

This gentleman is already at the apex of his anger, so when the deed is finally done...

Man flips over table.

NARRATOR

...everyone expects it.  No one is impressed. 

CUT TO: 

Fellow diners shaking their heads. Man gestures to fellow diners, as if to say "WHAT? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?"

NARRATOR

To achieve maximum effect, it is always better to flip over a table from a recumbent position.

  

CUT TO:

  

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Dinner Party.  Same man from before is  calm, nodding, listening to fellow dinner guest speak.  All of a sudden, WHAM! He flips over the table.  Everyone is impressed.  Man smiles. 

  

NARRATOR

Nice job.  People are really going to listen to what you have to say now!

CUT TO:

Black screen. Superimposed title: Part 2: Avoiding injury

NARRATOR

When flipping a table over, always be careful to avoid causing injury to yourself, and--if possible—-others.  Nothing veers a heated political argument off-course faster than having to dial an ambulance.  Remember: always flip with the knees, not with the back.

CUT TO:

Diagram. Animated side-view of man lifting with knees as opposed to back.

CUT TO:

Dinner party. Man still standing proudly with table flipped over.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

There, now you've got the hang of it. But remember, table flipping is like a fine garnish, in that it should only be used sparingly and with discretion, lest your quiches become too garlicky and thus unpalatable.

  

But, let’s say that table flipping becomes "your thing."  You become "that guy" who "always flips tables over" "at dinner parties."  Well, you're going to have to find new ways to spice up your act, lest you get relegated to that worst of all groups: The predictable dinner guest.

CUT TO:

Shot of a bunch of dinner guests in kitchen.  They are a miserable sort.  One wears a lampshade on his head.  One has an acoustic guitar and harmonica. One is a mime, doing mime things.

CUT TO: 

Superimposed title: Part 3: Keeping Your Act Alive

NARRATOR
Here are some suggestions for adding variety to your table flip.  "The Luchador."

CUT TO:

Man flipping over a table wearing a Mexican Wrestler mask.

NARRATOR
"The Double-Flip"

CUT TO:

Man flips over table.  He goes and picks it up, and then flips it over again.

NARRATOR
"The Awkward Flip."

CUT TO:

Man very slowly flipping over the dinner table, never breaking eye contact with the dinner guest seated opposite him.

NARRATOR
"The Shaquille O'Neal.""

CUT TO:

Man dribbles basketball around room, then flips over dinner table.

NARRATOR
"The Electromagnetic Flip."

CUT TO:

Man pushes big red button on remote control.  Table gets pulled up to a large magnet which has been installed onto the ceiling.  Man pushes button again. Table falls, landing surface-first.

NARRATOR
And, "the Roger Clinton."

CUT TO:

Man flips over table and vigorously plays the saxophone.

NARRATOR
There, now you know all about flipping over tables.  Now go out there and show the world what you've learned.  Just don't come over to my house and do it.  I have a mahogany table.  It's expensive. Mahahaha.  I'm serious though, don't.  You'll have a giant lawsuit on your hands if you even think about it.  You think I'm joking?  Try me. I promise you that I am not...

Narrator continues to speak as pleasant music swells.

Superimposed title: THE END.

(THE END.)

SUPERMAN SKETCH

SUPERMAN SKETCH, Draft 1
By Matt Koff

EXT. FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE IN THE NORTH POLE—NIGHT

MUSIC—John Williams’ Fortress of Solitude Theme from the first Superman movie plays. 

INT. FORTRESS OF SOLITITUDE.

SUPERMAN puts green crystal in crystal chamber.  JOR-EL, his father, appears.

SUPERMAN
Father?

JOR-EL
Yes, Kal-El.

SUPERMAN
I've come to you because there’s an issue that I’ve been struggling with lately.

JOR-EL
Ah, yes your mother and I anticipated this moment would come.  Kal-El, my child.  You are the only survivor of the Planet Krypton.  Though you resemble Earth humans, you are not one of them.  Your great powers are—

SUPERMAN
Actually, Father, that’s not the issue I was talking about.

JOR-EL
Oh, my apologies.

SUPERMAN
No big.  The issue is these TV Dinners I got on sale at Pathmark.

JOR-EL
TV… dinners?

SUPERMAN
Yeah, they’re these frozen dinners that were invented in the 50’s designed to be eaten while you’re watching TV.  Anyway, I’m following the directions exactly, but when I take the thing out the microwave, the mashed potato section is always still partially frozen.

JOR-EL
My son, let me get this straight.  You’re using the crystal chamber to ask me about… mashed potatoes.

SUPERMAN
…yeah?

JOR-EL
(sighs) Very well.  Halfway through the heating time, pause the device, take the provisions out of the microwave, and stir the mashed potatoes, thereby maximizing surface area and ensuring equal distribution of heat.

SUPERMAN
Hey, that’s a great idea!  I’m going to try that right now!

JOR-EL
Wait! Kal-El, do you have any other questions?

SUPERMAN
Questions?  About what?

JOR-EL
You know, virtue.  How a man might go about making the most of his place in the universe?

SUPERMAN
Nah.  Thanks, pops.

JOR-EL
Bu—

SUPERMAN pulls crystal out of crystal chamber.  He sticks it behind his ear like a pencil.  He swaggers off to the kitchen, whistling.

EXT. FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE IN THE NORTH POLE—NIGHT

MUSIC—John Williams’ Fortress of Solitude Theme from the first Superman movie plays. 

INT. FORTRESS OF SOLITITUDE.

SUPERMAN puts green crystal in crystal chamber.  JOR-EL, his father, appears.

SUPERMAN
Father!

JOR-EL
Yes, my son.

SUPERMAN
I’ve come to you today with a deeply philosophical question that could affect the very fabric of my own existence on this planet.

JOR-EL
Kal-El, my son—say no more.  You’ve fell in love with an earthling and you are trying to decide between a life of love and a life of virtue.  My son, with great power comes great resp—

SUPERMAN
Actually, the question was whether I should get a TiVo or DirecTV.

JOR-EL
Oh.  Which one gives you a better rate?

SUPERMAN
TiVo, but DirecTV gives you free installation.  You know me and electronics.  I can reverse the earth’s rotation but I still can’t figure out how to download a new ringtone onto my cellphone.  Know what I mean?

JOR-EL
Not really.

SUPERMAN
Anyway, I think I’m gonna go with DirecTV.  Thanks, Pops.

SUPERMAN walks out, whistling.

JOR-EL
Wait a minute, what are you doing watching TV?  Shouldn’t you be out saving the planet—?

SUPERMAN comes back in and pulls out the crystal.  He sticks it in his tights and walks out again.

EXT. FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE IN THE NORTH POLE—NIGHT

MUSIC—John Williams’ Fortress of Solitude Theme from the first Superman movie plays. 

INT. FORTRESS OF SOLITITUDE—NIGHT

SUPERMAN puts green crystal in crystal chamber.  LARA, Superman’s mother, appears.

SUPERMAN
Father?

LARA
No, Kal-El.  This is Lara, your mother.

SUPERMAN
Oh, right.  Hi Mom.  Where’s dad?

JOR-EL (O.S.)
Tell him I’m busy!

LARA
Your father is… incapacitated right now.  Is there anything I can help you with, my son?

SUPERMAN
Yes, Mother.  I’ve been thinking a lot, and… I can’t decide whether to invest in the Daily Planet’s 401k program, or just start a Roth IRA and start saving for retirement on my own.

JOR-EL (O.S.)
Do you see, Lara?  Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

LARA
Well, son, if they match your 401k contributions at the Daily Planet, I’d consider that.  If not, you might as well go with the Roth IRA.  Here takes this brochure.

LARA hands SUPERMAN a brochure.

SUPERMAN
Oh, okay.  Thank you mother.

LARA
Of course, my son.

SUPERMAN
Oh, and one more thing.

LARA
Yes?

SUPERMAN
Why am I here?

Enter JOR-EL.

JOR-EL
Oh that's cute, that's real cute.

BLACKOUT.

Welcome!

I started this blog to participate in National Sketch Writing month.

http://www.nationalsketchwritingmonth.com/

I am starting late but hopefully I can catch up! 

Check back in later for more sketches.  Thanks!!

Matt Koff